Another assuming kids are invited moment--should we say something?

Re: Another assuming kids are invited moment--should we say something?

• mysticl member

  

  May 2014

  Honestly, it sounds like your FI implied the kids are welcome/invited.  His cousin could absolutely take it that way.  

  
  

  Save the dates aren't invitations.  I would not automatically assume that leaving the kids off of it means they aren't invited.  

  
  

  So your FI can have a conversation with his cousin and apologize for any confusion or you can send out the invitations addressed just to the adults and see what happens then.  Your FI should absolutely not task his brother with telling people they aren't invited to your wedding.  

  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  May 2014

  Aray82 said:

  We sent save the dates out last month so our family who needed to travel could book flights early, etc. This week we had dinner with FI's cousin who was in town on business. He mentioned that out save the date was on the fridge, he and his wife were looking forward to it, and they were "even thinking they might leave the girls at home and have a weekend to themselves." But, on the other hand, "the girls have never been to NYC so it might be fun for them." He then asked if FI's older brother was bringing his daughters (same age as theirs) and also asked if it would be "kid friendly." FI said yes, bro's daughters were our flower girls so they would be there and yes, the reception would be "very chill." The only problem is that the save the date was addresses to cousin and cousin's wife only. We agreed that in order to accomodafe all the adults of our extended families, we could invite our first cousins but not our cousins' children. I have some kid-age cousins, 7 and 10 but they are my first cousins. Just because it's kid-friendly doesn't mean that all kids of guests are automatically invited. I didn't feel comfortable saying anything at the time because I've only met this cousin twice and they're not m family yet, but I'm wondering if we should have. FI says not to worry about it until we send the invites because he didn't actually directly tell his cousin that yes, his daughters were invited. We truly invited to our venue and budget capacity and there really is no extra room unless there are declines. I'd hate to have people book flights under the assumption that their children are all invited, but I don't want to assume that the cousin thought this and be rude about calling attention to those who aren't invited. Should FI contact his cousin directly about this now, or at the very least casually mention something to his brother (who sees the cousins more often) like "hey, just FYI if our wedding comes up, we did not invite cousins' kids so if people are saying anything about bringing their kids..." ) Then again, the save the dates were all pretty clearly addressed to specific people... What say you, knotties? ETA: Sorry for the spelling glitches--autocorrect on an iPhone

  I say you're about to have a giant clusterfuck on your hands.

  
  

  I hate to break it to your FI, but yes, he did. By telling his cousin that (a) there will be other children there and (b) it's 'very chill' and kid-friendly, he tacitly invited his cousin's kids. Sorry, but that's the truth.

  
  

  If you want him to fix this, the best option is for him to call his cousin immediately and say, 'You know, I was thinking about our conversation the other night, and I may have given you the wrong idea. The invitation is for you and your wife only. We hope you'll be able to make it.'

  
  

  At this point, FI can't tell him that kids aren't invited in general, because it's not true, and that it's not kid-friendly, because that's also not true.

  
  

  But if this cousin thinks HIS kids are invited, and he tells OTHER cousins that, then they'll think THEIR kids are invited, and you're going to end up with a lot of unhappy people.

  
  

  STDates serve the purpose of telling people who is invited -- in this case, cousin and his wife -- and any assumptions made by them are on them. But your FI gave them the idea their kids are invited.

  
  

  Also, in future, both you AND your FI need to be willing to own the decisions you made about the wedding (and there's nothing wrong with your decisions) and be willing to speak up and say, 'Oh, I'm sorry, the invite was only for you and your SO. We hope you can attend.'

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• Aray82 member

  

  May 2014

  mysticl said:

  Honestly, it sounds like your FI implied the kids are welcome/invited.  His cousin could absolutely take it that way.  

  
  

  Save the dates aren't invitations.  I would not automatically assume that leaving the kids off of it means they aren't invited.  

  
  

  So your FI can have a conversation with his cousin and apologize for any confusion or you can send out the invitations addressed just to the adults and see what happens then.  Your FI should absolutely not task his brother with telling people they aren't invited to your wedding.  

  Thanks--that's a good point about save the dates being different. I do think FI implied the kids would be invited although he doesn't think so because he didn't technically, outright tell him that. Oy. He's really hesitant to contact his cousin and doesn't think we should worry about it but I will tell him going through his brother is not an option.
  

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• Aray82 member

  

  May 2014

  HisGirlFriday13 said:

  
  

  Aray82 said:

  
  

  We sent save the dates out last month so our family who needed to travel could book flights early, etc. This week we had dinner with FI's cousin who was in town on business. He mentioned that out save the date was on the fridge, he and his wife were looking forward to it, and they were "even thinking they might leave the girls at home and have a weekend to themselves." But, on the other hand, "the girls have never been to NYC so it might be fun for them." He then asked if FI's older brother was bringing his daughters (same age as theirs) and also asked if it would be "kid friendly." FI said yes, bro's daughters were our flower girls so they would be there and yes, the reception would be "very chill."
  
  The only problem is that the save the date was addresses to cousin and cousin's wife only. We agreed that in order to accomodafe all the adults of our extended families, we could invite our first cousins but not our cousins' children. I have some kid-age cousins, 7 and 10 but they are my first cousins. Just because it's kid-friendly doesn't mean that all kids of guests are automatically invited.
  
  I didn't feel comfortable saying anything at the time because I've only met this cousin twice and they're not m family yet, but I'm wondering if we should have. FI says not to worry about it until we send the invites because he didn't actually directly tell his cousin that yes, his daughters were invited. We truly invited to our venue and budget capacity and there really is no extra room unless there are declines. I'd hate to have people book flights under the assumption that their children are all invited, but I don't want to assume that the cousin thought this and be rude about calling attention to those who aren't invited. Should FI contact his cousin directly about this now, or at the very least casually mention something to his brother (who sees the cousins more often) like "hey, just FYI if our wedding comes up, we did not invite cousins' kids so if people are saying anything about bringing their kids..." ) Then again, the save the dates were all pretty clearly addressed to specific people...
  
  What say you, knotties?
  
  ETA: Sorry for the spelling glitches--autocorrect on an iPhone

  
  

  I say you're about to have a giant clusterfuck on your hands.

  
  

  I hate to break it to your FI, but yes, he did. By telling his cousin that (a) there will be other children there and (b) it's 'very chill' and kid-friendly, he tacitly invited his cousin's kids. Sorry, but that's the truth.

  
  

  If you want him to fix this, the best option is for him to call his cousin immediately and say, 'You know, I was thinking about our conversation the other night, and I may have given you the wrong idea. The invitation is for you and your wife only. We hope you'll be able to make it.'

  
  

  At this point, FI can't tell him that kids aren't invited in general, because it's not true, and that it's not kid-friendly, because that's also not true.

  
  

  But if this cousin thinks HIS kids are invited, and he tells OTHER cousins that, then they'll think THEIR kids are invited, and you're going to end up with a lot of unhappy people.

  
  

  STDates serve the purpose of telling people who is invited -- in this case, cousin and his wife -- and any assumptions made by them are on them. But your FI gave them the idea their kids are invited.

  
  

  Also, in future, both you AND your FI need to be willing to own the decisions you made about the wedding (and there's nothing wrong with your decisions) and be willing to speak up and say, 'Oh, I'm sorry, the invite was only for you and your SO. We hope you can attend.'

  
  
  
  That's what I thought too--it definitely sounded like he did! You know, I used to read these types of posts and wonder why people had such a hard time standing up to guests with their decisions. But it is difficult especially when you don't know his side of the family that well and you'd rather one of your first conversations not be about telling him his kids aren't invited. But yeah, just something to get used to. I will get on FI more about this...
  
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  May 2014

  Aray82 said:

  Honestly, it sounds like your FI implied the kids are welcome/invited.  His cousin could absolutely take it that way.  

  
  

  Save the dates aren't invitations.  I would not automatically assume that leaving the kids off of it means they aren't invited.  

  
  

  So your FI can have a conversation with his cousin and apologize for any confusion or you can send out the invitations addressed just to the adults and see what happens then.  Your FI should absolutely not task his brother with telling people they aren't invited to your wedding.  

  Thanks--that's a good point about save the dates being different. I do think FI implied the kids would be invited although he doesn't think so because he didn't technically, outright tell him that. Oy. He's really hesitant to contact his cousin and doesn't think we should worry about it but I will tell him going through his brother is not an option.

  Then he needs to accept that his cousin will be bringing his kids, and probably telling the rest of the cousins that it's OK. I missed the part about the brother the first time around; mysticl is correct that your FI cannot task his brother with being the heavy on this one.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• grumbledore member

  

  May 2014

  mysticl said:

  Honestly, it sounds like your FI implied the kids are welcome/invited.  His cousin could absolutely take it that way.  

  
  

  Save the dates aren't invitations.  I would not automatically assume that leaving the kids off of it means they aren't invited.  

  
  

  So your FI can have a conversation with his cousin and apologize for any confusion or you can send out the invitations addressed just to the adults and see what happens then.  Your FI should absolutely not task his brother with telling people they aren't invited to your wedding.  

  I agree with all of this.  We addressed our Save the Dates to the adults only but haven't decided yet whether we are inviting all/some kids (other than WP kids).  

  
  

  

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  May 2014

  Aray82 said:

  Honestly, it sounds like your FI implied the kids are welcome/invited.  His cousin could absolutely take it that way.  

  
  

  Save the dates aren't invitations.  I would not automatically assume that leaving the kids off of it means they aren't invited.  

  
  

  So your FI can have a conversation with his cousin and apologize for any confusion or you can send out the invitations addressed just to the adults and see what happens then.  Your FI should absolutely not task his brother with telling people they aren't invited to your wedding.  

  Thanks--that's a good point about save the dates being different. I do think FI implied the kids would be invited although he doesn't think so because he didn't technically, outright tell him that. Oy. He's really hesitant to contact his cousin and doesn't think we should worry about it but I will tell him going through his brother is not an option.

  How much more awkward will the conversation be once his cousin has booked nonrefundable flights for his entire family? Better to have it now.

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• Aray82 member

  

  May 2014

  lolo883 said:

  
  

  Aray82 said:

  
  

  mysticl said:

  Honestly, it sounds like your FI implied the kids are welcome/invited.  His cousin could absolutely take it that way.  

  
  

  Save the dates aren't invitations.  I would not automatically assume that leaving the kids off of it means they aren't invited.  

  
  

  So your FI can have a conversation with his cousin and apologize for any confusion or you can send out the invitations addressed just to the adults and see what happens then.  Your FI should absolutely not task his brother with telling people they aren't invited to your wedding.  

  Thanks--that's a good point about save the dates being different. I do think FI implied the kids would be invited although he doesn't think so because he didn't technically, outright tell him that. Oy. He's really hesitant to contact his cousin and doesn't think we should worry about it but I will tell him going through his brother is not an option.
  

  
  

  How much more awkward will the conversation be once his cousin has booked nonrefundable flights for his entire family? Better to have it now.
  
  Exactly!
  
  

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• KGold80 member

  

  May 2014

  Ask your FI if he is comfortable with reimbursing his cousin(s) for their children's airfare if they book nonrefundable flights. If he says no, then he needs to address this problem ASAP.
  

  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• Aray82 member

  

  May 2014

  scribe95 said:

  Also, to be fair this cousin didn't ASSUME the kids were invited. He asked very up front if it was kid friendly, which is an incredibly fair question after getting a STD for an OOT wedding. He has to make plans for crying out loud.

  True, that was a poor word choice on my part. I guess I was just surprised that it even came up because I thought (wrongly) that the address of a save the date carried the same weight as the invitation address.
  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  May 2014

  scribe95 said:

  Also, to be fair this cousin didn't ASSUME the kids were invited. He asked very up front if it was kid friendly, which is an incredibly fair question after getting a STD for an OOT wedding. He has to make plans for crying out loud.

  Right, but unfortunately the answer the OP's FI gave him pretty much did indicate that his kids would be welcome.  If that's not really true, the FI will have to apologize for the confusion while explaining that only the cousin and his wife are invited.

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  May 2014

  Aray82 said:

  Also, to be fair this cousin didn't ASSUME the kids were invited. He asked very up front if it was kid friendly, which is an incredibly fair question after getting a STD for an OOT wedding. He has to make plans for crying out loud.

  True, that was a poor word choice on my part. I guess I was just surprised that it even came up because I thought (wrongly) that the address of a save the date carried the same weight as the invitation address.

  It probably should, but I throw away the envelope and put the STDate on my bulletin board.  After a couple months, I might just assume that everyone at the house was invited.  Especially after I talked to the groom and found out it was a kid-friendly event.

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• mysticl member

  

  May 2014

  adk19 said:

  Aray82 said:

  Also, to be fair this cousin didn't ASSUME the kids were invited. He asked very up front if it was kid friendly, which is an incredibly fair question after getting a STD for an OOT wedding. He has to make plans for crying out loud.

  True, that was a poor word choice on my part. I guess I was just surprised that it even came up because I thought (wrongly) that the address of a save the date carried the same weight as the invitation address.

  It probably should, but I throw away the envelope and put the STDate on my bulletin board.  After a couple months, I might just assume that everyone at the house was invited.  Especially after I talked to the groom and found out it was a kid-friendly event.

  And how many times have people gotten a save the date addressed to just them but when the invite comes it includes the SO?  Personally, I've been invited to a wedding that I assumed I wasn't because I didn't receive a save the date and I know they were sent out because other people received them and were gushing about how cute they were.  So I see save the dates as more indicating who is definitely invited but not who is excluded.  

  

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• RebeccaB88 member

  

  May 2014

  Your FI needs to nut up and have a conversation with his cousin. Like, now.
  
  I would totally have taken his silence on the kids issue as implying that the kids will be included.
  

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• singinchick13 member

  

  May 2014

  Maybe a little off-topic, but I'm curious why telling him other kids are invited but HIS kids are not is ok? I know it is ok to have a kid-free wedding, it is ok to invite only the kids in the bridal party, or children of only the immediate family or bridal party members, but is it really ok to pick and choose which kids to invite if you are not going purely based on age? In this case it is first cousins vs. second cousins, but to this man it will probably just look like bride and groom are playing favourites. Everyone has the right to invite and not invite anyone they want, of course, but how is it politically correct to allow some to bring kids and not others when there is no clear distinction? And wouldn't it be a slap in the face for the parents whose kids weren't invited to see a bunch of other kids there of the same age that were neither bride and groom's immediate family or involved in/children of the wedding party? Sure, it's not their wedding, not their place to say, but they would likely feel slighted and not hosted the same way as other guests. So, where is it appropriate to draw the line? Is there no line at all and couples can pick and choose while still properly observing etiquette? Thoughts?

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• KGold80 member

  

  May 2014

  singinchick13 said:

  Maybe a little off-topic, but I'm curious why telling him other kids are invited but HIS kids are not is ok? I know it is ok to have a kid-free wedding, it is ok to invite only the kids in the bridal party, or children of only the immediate family or bridal party members, but is it really ok to pick and choose which kids to invite if you are not going purely based on age? In this case it is first cousins vs. second cousins, but to this man it will probably just look like bride and groom are playing favourites. Everyone has the right to invite and not invite anyone they want, of course, but how is it politically correct to allow some to bring kids and not others when there is no clear distinction? And wouldn't it be a slap in the face for the parents whose kids weren't invited to see a bunch of other kids there of the same age that were neither bride and groom's immediate family or involved in/children of the wedding party? Sure, it's not their wedding, not their place to say, but they would likely feel slighted and not hosted the same way as other guests. So, where is it appropriate to draw the line? Is there no line at all and couples can pick and choose while still properly observing etiquette? Thoughts?

  In this case, the kids mentioned as invited are members of the wedding party (flower girls). You can't exactly NOT invite the flower girls to the wedding.
  

  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• singinchick13 member

  

  May 2014

  Yes, bride also said she is inviting cousins aged 7 and 10 (not wedding party), just first vs. second cousins, but this man will not know the difference.

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• mysticl member

  

  May 2014

  singinchick13 said:

  Yes, bride also said she is inviting cousins aged 7 and 10 (not wedding party), just first vs. second cousins, but this man will not know the difference.

  Actually, it's not even second cousins.  The children of your first cousins are your first cousins once removed.  Your children are second cousins to the children of your first cousins.  

  

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• singinchick13 member

  

  May 2014

  singinchick13 said:

  Yes, bride also said she is inviting cousins aged 7 and 10 (not wedding party), just first vs. second cousins, but this man will not know the difference.

  Actually, it's not even second cousins.  The children of your first cousins are your first cousins once removed.  Your children are second cousins to the children of your first cousins.  
  
  

  
  

  
  

  *Stuck in a box*

  
  

  Hmmm, interesting. I always thought "removed" referred to when people got divorced. There are many divorces in my family.

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• mysticl member

  

  May 2014

  singinchick13 said:

  singinchick13 said:

  Yes, bride also said she is inviting cousins aged 7 and 10 (not wedding party), just first vs. second cousins, but this man will not know the difference.

  Actually, it's not even second cousins.  The children of your first cousins are your first cousins once removed.  Your children are second cousins to the children of your first cousins.  
  
  

  
  

  
  

  *Stuck in a box*

  
  

  Hmmm, interesting. I always thought "removed" referred to when people got divorced. There are many divorces in my family.

  Nope, it indicates degree of relation.  Your first cousin's grandchild would be your first cousin twice removed and so forth and so on.  Your grandchildren would be third cousins to your first cousin's grandchildren.  

  
  

  
  

  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  May 2014

  singinchick13 said:

  Maybe a little off-topic, but I'm curious why telling him other kids are invited but HIS kids are not is ok? I know it is ok to have a kid-free wedding, it is ok to invite only the kids in the bridal party, or children of only the immediate family or bridal party members, but is it really ok to pick and choose which kids to invite if you are not going purely based on age? In this case it is first cousins vs. second cousins, but to this man it will probably just look like bride and groom are playing favourites. Everyone has the right to invite and not invite anyone they want, of course, but how is it politically correct to allow some to bring kids and not others when there is no clear distinction? And wouldn't it be a slap in the face for the parents whose kids weren't invited to see a bunch of other kids there of the same age that were neither bride and groom's immediate family or involved in/children of the wedding party? Sure, it's not their wedding, not their place to say, but they would likely feel slighted and not hosted the same way as other guests. So, where is it appropriate to draw the line? Is there no line at all and couples can pick and choose while still properly observing etiquette? Thoughts?

  It's never correct to invite with no clear distinction. Whether that distinction is clear to the guests is irrelevant.

  
  

  Children, like adults, are invited to things based on who they are -- either genetically, familially, generationally, or chronologically. 

  
  

  It's a bad idea to invite one kid from a family and not the other if they're close in age (like 8 and 10) even if you like one and don't like the other, but it's more than acceptable to invite your BFFs 8-year-old whom you like and exclude your cousin's 8-year-old whom you can't stand.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• NYCMercedes member

  

  May 2014

  Like RIGHT NOW, your FI should call his cousin and apologize for the misunderstanding and make it clear that only the two adults will be invited.

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• Aray82 member

  

  May 2014

  HisGirlFriday13 said:

  
  

  singinchick13 said:

  
  

  Maybe a little off-topic, but I'm curious why telling him other kids are invited but HIS kids are not is ok? I know it is ok to have a kid-free wedding, it is ok to invite only the kids in the bridal party, or children of only the immediate family or bridal party members, but is it really ok to pick and choose which kids to invite if you are not going purely based on age? In this case it is first cousins vs. second cousins, but to this man it will probably just look like bride and groom are playing favourites. Everyone has the right to invite and not invite anyone they want, of course, but how is it politically correct to allow some to bring kids and not others when there is no clear distinction? And wouldn't it be a slap in the face for the parents whose kids weren't invited to see a bunch of other kids there of the same age that were neither bride and groom's immediate family or involved in/children of the wedding party? Sure, it's not their wedding, not their place to say, but they would likely feel slighted and not hosted the same way as other guests. So, where is it appropriate to draw the line? Is there no line at all and couples can pick and choose while still properly observing etiquette? Thoughts?

  
  

  It's never correct to invite with no clear distinction. Whether that distinction is clear to the guests is irrelevant.

  
  

  Children, like adults, are invited to things based on who they are -- either genetically, familially, generationally, or chronologically. 

  
  

  It's a bad idea to invite one kid from a family and not the other if they're close in age (like 8 and 10) even if you like one and don't like the other, but it's more than acceptable to invite your BFFs 8-year-old whom you like and exclude your cousin's 8-year-old whom you can't stand.

  
  
  Yes as I understood it inviting in circles without splitting up families ( what would happen with an age limit ) is ok. It's no more playing favorites than it would be to invite some adults with whom you're close but not others. Kids who will be there are flower girls plus my first cousins--kids of my aunts and uncles. We're not inviting friends kids or our cousins kids. The whole level and removal thing with cousins is so confusing even when it's been explained to me!
  
  Thank you all for confirming that I wasn't wrong to be concerned about this. And for giving me something else to think about in a day that started with blood tests and ended with my first chemo treatment. (very early stage, good prognosis, but still needs chemo) Stressful as this wedding stuff can be, it makes me feel more normal to do these things when these last two weeks have been anything but.
  
  

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