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Bridesmaid just informed me her (whatever he is) is coming

mfranco82mfranco82 member
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi, my wedding is 23 days away.  One of my bridesmaids, who I had to hound her to tell me when she was coming in and she never sent back her RSVP which was due yesterday. Writes me a text today saying her guy was coming with her.  This is the first I am hearing about it. Mind you his name was not on the invite because they broke up months ago and I am not a big fan of him.  Her and her daughter were the only two invited.  In fact her and her daughter are staying with me in the bridal suite the nights before. I haven't spoken to her yet but I am beyond mad.  Before I talk to her I need some advice. HELP!
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Re: Bridesmaid just informed me her (whatever he is) is coming

  • KGold80KGold80 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper

    LDay2014 said:
    mfranco82 said:
    Hi, my wedding is 23 days away.  One of my bridesmaids, who I had to hound her to tell me when she was coming in and she never sent back her RSVP which was due yesterday. Writes me a text today saying her guy was coming with her.  This is the first I am hearing about it. Mind you his name was not on the invite because they broke up months ago and I am not a big fan of him.  Her and her daughter were the only two invited.  In fact her and her daughter are staying with me in the bridal suite the nights before. I haven't spoken to her yet but I am beyond mad.  Before I talk to her I need some advice. HELP!
    Whether you like him or not is completely irrelevant.  She has deemed him as her 'boyfriend' and therefore if you are at all considerate of respecting your friend you will welcome him with open arms for this ocassion.
    This. However, you may need to address the issue of them staying in the bridal suite.
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    You're three weeks out. I presume you have time to change the numbers for catering and make any adjustments to table assignments and place cards and whatnot.  

    I sure hope she does not think he'll stay in the bridal suite the night before.... talk about awkward! 

    I know it's super frustrating that this is the first you've heard of it, but if he's her boyfriend, you're obligated to host him from the social unit perspective.

    Now then, if you were 3 days out and all the numbers had been turned in, that's when I'd say, "I'm sorry, everything is finalized. Since you didn't say anything earlier, I'm afraid I don't have space." Even then, if you value this friendship, you'd be better off finding a way to accommodate him no matter what. 

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  • happywigglehappywiggle member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Were they together at the time invites were sent out? If so, then yes, you should accommodate him no matter your thoughts about him. If not, then it's technically at your discretion. 

    However, I'm also hoping invites were sent out recently and not, say, 2 or 3 months ago.
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I don't think excluding this guy is a hill to die on. If the RSVPs were due yesterday, you definitely haven't put in your final headcount yet, so it's manageable. I'd just chalk it up to bad communication, honor the relationship, and make it work.

    However, I would make sure she knows that if her boyfriend is coming, they cannot stay with you in the bridal suite and need to get their own hotel room.
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    The following pieces of information are irrelevant:

    1. That you don't like him
    2. That you had to hound her to get her to send back her RSVP (she's your damn BM; she was right in assuming you knew she was coming).

    If she publicly identifies this man as her BF, he needs to be invited. The only thing this changes is where they might be sleeping the night before the wedding, because obviously he won't be sleeping in the bridal suite.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • PellegcmPellegcm member
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    I understand that couples, no matter how new, should be invited together. How does it work if a couple is not together when the invitations were sent out but are together by RSVP (bridal party aside)?


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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I understand that couples, no matter how new, should be invited together. How does it work if a couple is not together when the invitations were sent out but are together by RSVP (bridal party aside)?

    *SITDM*
    Generally, the date the invitations were mailed is the snapshot in time. If they weren't together then, it's acceptable for the B/G to say, 'I'm sorry, but we can't accommodate your SO,' because there has to be some kind of cut-off, and the date of mailing the invites is a pretty good line in the sand.
    That being said, it's also acceptable to say to someone who has started a new relationship after the invites have gone out, 'Right now, we cannot accommodate your SO, but if we get enough declines, we will be happy to do so.' That's not B-listing, because you didn't want to invite him or her but couldn't and waited to B-list him or her, it's trying to be a gracious hostess to your guests.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    It's also worth pointing out that a lot of relationships have kind of amorphous, ambiguous starts. My anniversary with my partner is the day of our first date, but it wasn't until about 3-4 weeks later that he felt like a boyfriend. If he and I had been on 1-2 dates when the invitations were going out, and a friend called and asked, "Are you in a relationship?" I probably would have said no. By the time the RSVP was due, I probably would have said yes.
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  • kitty8403kitty8403 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    phira said:
    It's also worth pointing out that a lot of relationships have kind of amorphous, ambiguous starts. My anniversary with my partner is the day of our first date, but it wasn't until about 3-4 weeks later that he felt like a boyfriend. If he and I had been on 1-2 dates when the invitations were going out, and a friend called and asked, "Are you in a relationship?" I probably would have said no. By the time the RSVP was due, I probably would have said yes.


    This. We aren't sure when our own dating anniversary is. There's like 6 weeks of limbo. 
    Personally, while I realize people have different plus one rules, it seems silly to me not to build in some wiggle room for bridal party members, of all people, to bring a date.
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  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    mfranco82 said:
    Hi, my wedding is 23 days away.  One of my bridesmaids, who I had to hound her to tell me when she was coming in and she never sent back her RSVP which was due yesterday. Writes me a text today saying her guy was coming with her.  This is the first I am hearing about it. Mind you his name was not on the invite because they broke up months ago and I am not a big fan of him.  Her and her daughter were the only two invited.  In fact her and her daughter are staying with me in the bridal suite the nights before. I haven't spoken to her yet but I am beyond mad.  Before I talk to her I need some advice. HELP!
    This is where I got that they weren't together and this is just the first time the OP has heard about them maybe being back together.  Therefore, if they were not together when the invitations went out, she was in the clear to not invite him. If they've since gotten back together (and this might be why the BM never sent in her RSVP), then the OP has to make some decisions. It would be a really nice thing to allow him to come, even though she doesn't like him. But if he's 'new' (kinda sorta) since invitations went out, then she could technically say he couldn't be accommodated and be ok.

    The bridal suite is another matter altogether.  She's justified in saying he can't stay there. They could get their own room together, or the boyfriend can find his own accommodations alone, but she doesn't have to let him stay.
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