Our kids at the wedding

Re: Our kids at the wedding

• Options

  [Deleted User] member

  

  April 2014

  I do like the idea of hiring someone to basically keep an eye on the kids during the day to keep them entertained and fed while you & FI are getting ready. If your nephew is comfortable with doing that and with your kids (including the young ones tantrums) why not ask him. Since the youngest can be a handful, is there maybe a second person you can hire to help out with the kids so the two people can tag team the kids. Maybe a female? This way if any of the girls want to be around you while you are getting ready there won't be any ackwardness saying you can't be here because you're sitter is a man. Also then if one of the younger onces needs help going to the bathroom there is someone else still there to keep an eye on the others?

  Report1 Reply
• Options

  00kim00 member

  

  May 2014

  It sounds like you've got a ways to go until the wedding, if your 3 year old will be 4.5 at the wedding, right? With a year and a half to prepare, I'm sure you can get her to a point where she's fine not being attached at the hip. Here are some ideas:
  

  • Kids naturally grow out of the separation anxiety stage, so it's possible she will just grow out of this stage by then. So prepare, but don't stress!
    
  • Make sure Daddy always says goodbye and lets her know when he'll return, starting now. No sneaking out while she's playing to avoid her throwing a fit. She needs to know and trust that Daddy won't leave without saying goodbye, which will give her comfort when he's there but more than 2 feet away
  • Practice, practice, practice! If you are serious about not exaggerating about not being able to be more than 2 feet from Daddy, then start putting her in those situations, moving slowly out of her comfort zone. If she is really at 2 feet right now, start trying 3 feet. Daddy sits across from her at the dinner table rather than next to her, Daddy sits in the armchair and she sits on the couch or her chair a few feet away, Daddy plays catch with her from a distance of 3 feet. Do that until she's comfortable, then increase the distance. As you're doing it, decrease the interaction slightly: Daddy is reading in his chair while she plays on the couch and only occasionally talks with her, etc. Slowly push the boundaries and lengthen that distance, and in a year and a half, you should easily be able to get her to the 10 feet or so required at the wedding.
  • If you haven't yet, look into therapy for your kids and his. His daughter's clingyness may have to do with her developmental delays, but her family situation may also be a factor. I don't know if she has a healthy relationship with her mom, or what she's experienced in her family dynamic, but children who have experienced divorce or death of a parent have experienced a traumatic loss and therapy can help. Play therapy can be appropriate even at that young age.
  • Again, practice, practice, practice! Start watching videos and reading books about weddings. If you're invited to weddings with the kids, take her so she can see what goes on. Have practice weddings at home where the kids can role play with you (both their real roles and pretend roles- they can be the bride and groom and you can be the kids and officiant, etc.). That way you can model appropriate behavior through play.
    
  • If you are having a "kid wrangler" at the wedding, practice with him beforehand. Invite him to play when you role play and have him practice doing his job so the kids can get used to him in that situation.
  • I don't know your relationship with her mom, but if it's possible/realistic to have Mom there, that might be a big help. I know those dynamics can be more than complex, and with some families it's perfectly cordial and friendly, and others it's explosive, but if there's a way to get to cordial and friendly before the wedding, that may be an option to consider.

  Good luck!
  

  Report2 Reply
• Options

  jlhd76 member

  

  May 2014

  Thanks for the suggestions.  It helps that I have degrees in psych and child development so we have been doing a lot of the "practice".  It is harder for Daddy as he doesn't have my background.  That being said, I also know it's easy to be in work mode with others but you draw a blank when it comes to your personal life.   We have made significant progress in the last 4 or 5 months where I can, for example, take her out of the car and into the rest area on a trip with only minimal crying when she sees that Daddy isn't coming.  She does very well with her mommy and separation and is getting accustomed with me.  They divorced before she was a year old and they have 50/50 custody and I'm the new one in her life.  The divorce was very amicable and the option of having mommy there might actually be an option, I'm ok with it but don't know how he feels or she would feel.  I see us all as partners.  Both of our sons and my daughter are in counseling.  We will start premarital counseling and intend to include them in that as well.  I didn't think ahead enough to have my nephew come play with her also.  She really likes males so I think she will like him and we need to get started on that. 
  

  Report0 Reply