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Invitees specifically named... still asking to bring extra ppl. Help!

TiffybuesTiffybues member
Third Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi Ladies, 

Both my fiancé and I come from large Italian families and we do not have endless cash flow. We are trying to keep the guest list to a minimum and specified on the invitations exactly who was invited. Now most of our cousins are asking to bring random dates. We each have about 20 first cousins alone so that very quickly adds up and we just cant swing it financially. I have people beging me and saying they wont have a good time if they cant bring anyone. How do I handle this? My Dad seems to think that if they need to bring someone so bad then they can pay for them to come, but I think that could be tacky. I am sure this happens to every bride. Any suggestions on how to handle it? 



Thanks All! 

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Re: Invitees specifically named... still asking to bring extra ppl. Help!

  • CrazyCatLady3CrazyCatLady3 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    Assuming that these people are truly single and not in relationships, you have to tell them, "I'm sorry, but we are not able to accommodate any additional guests.  We hope you can still make it."  Don't give specifics or they will try to come up with excuses.  Also, it's rude of them to tell you that they won't have a good time if they can't bring someone.
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  • singinchick13singinchick13 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    I kind of agree with that sentiment. Weddings aren't as much fun if you don't have someone to sit with/dance with, etc. For this reason we are allowing all single guests to have a plus-one. It is unfortunate that you are unable to do this, but I do think it is tacky to allow them to pay for their guests. It is also kind of a know your crowd situation, and if this is how they all feel maybe it could have been anticipated.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If these people are not in relationships, then you call them and let them know that their invitations were only for them and you cannot accommodate any other guests.  If they threaten not to come or say they can't enjoy themselves on their own, tell them, "I'm sorry to hear that; we'll miss you."  If they offer to pay for their guests, tell them, "I'm sorry, but that isn't an option."
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Jen4948 said:
    If these people are not in relationships, then you call them and let them know that their invitations were only for them and you cannot accommodate any other guests.  If they threaten not to come or say they can't enjoy themselves on their own, tell them, "I'm sorry to hear that; we'll miss you."  If they offer to pay for their guests, tell them, "I'm sorry, but that isn't an option."
    I think this is spot-on, provided the add-ons are truly "random" as OP says.

    For the heck of it, I want to point out that the bolded bothers me when it comes to family events. You're telling me you hate all 19 of your other cousins, not to mention aunts/uncles/second cousins, and can't possibly have as much fun as you would with your Flavor-of-the-Month?  We don't bring dates to "family reunions," do we?
    ________________________________


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  • singinchick13singinchick13 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    My sister won't even come to family dinners alone. She especially detests going alone if it is a holiday, like Christmas or Thanksgiving.
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Tiffybues said:
    Hi Ladies, 

    Both my fiancé and I come from large Italian families and we do not have endless cash flow. We are trying to keep the guest list to a minimum and specified on the invitations exactly who was invited. Now most of our cousins are asking to bring random dates. We each have about 20 first cousins alone so that very quickly adds up and we just cant swing it financially. I have people beging me and saying they wont have a good time if they cant bring anyone. How do I handle this? My Dad seems to think that if they need to bring someone so bad then they can pay for them to come, but I think that could be tacky. I am sure this happens to every bride. Any suggestions on how to handle it? 



    Thanks All! 

    First of all, are these just random dates? Or are these significant others? If these are significant others, they need to be invited. My cousins' significant others were not invited to my brother's wedding three years ago, and you can bet they were pretty angry about it. Especially since some of them are planning their own weddings right now and are being courteous and inviting significant others. It's so tempting to say, "You didn't invite my SO, so I won't invite yours."

    If these are random dates, then stick to your guns. If they will not have fun at your wedding without a date, then they can either attend alone or stay home. End of story.

    While your dad's suggestion (that your cousins can pay for their own dates) sounds logical, it's really not. Your wedding isn't an event that people can buy tickets for. You get to determine the guest list. End of story.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Agree with PPs. If these are truly random guests -- not SOs -- then you can say, 'The invitation was for you only. We're sorry if you won't come without a date, but we cannot accommodate extra guests. We hope you will still come.'

    And then leave it at that.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    edited May 2014
    thisismynickname said:


    Jen4948 said:

    If these people are not in relationships, then you call them and let them know that their invitations were only for them and you cannot accommodate any other guests.  If they threaten not to come or say they can't enjoy themselves on their own, tell them, "I'm sorry to hear that; we'll miss you."  If they offer to pay for their guests, tell them, "I'm sorry, but that isn't an option."

    I think this is spot-on, provided the add-ons are truly "random" as OP says.

    For the heck of it, I want to point out that the bolded bothers me when it comes to family events. You're telling me you hate all 19 of your other cousins, not to mention aunts/uncles/second cousins, and can't possibly have as much fun as you would with your Flavor-of-the-Month?  We don't bring dates to "family reunions," do we?

     
    Some people actually aren't comfortable around their family members; there could be drama or estrangement issues. Or, maybe they're uncomfortable in large social settings regardless of who the crowd is made up of. Besides, an event like a wedding is different than a backyard BBQ family reunion. It's formal, it's romantic, it's a time better spent with the companion of your choice.

    Also, not every date is a "Flavor of the Month," necessarily. A guest could be seeing someone without it being "official" yet, but they're still exclusive and consider themselves off the market. Who knows. I just hate that term because my boss uses it to describes the types of people she doesn't want at her wedding, which is why no one is invited with a date...including those of us who are in extremely long-term relationships but not married. I don't like my S/O with whom I live and have been with for years being lumped into the same category as a casual fling.



    ETA: I find it funny that we will say "Weddings aren't family reunions" when it's in the proper context, but in the context of not allowing guests to attend with dates, a wedding gets compared to a family reunion to justify not giving out plus ones lol
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  • TiffybuesTiffybues member
    Third Anniversary First Comment

    Thanks everyone for you input! I do have one cousin who has been with his GF for about a year but the rest are random. Most of them just meeting their requested dates in the last couple weeks. I do feel bad for my cousin who has been with his GF for a while. My next question is, how do I reason with everyone else that one person can bring a guest because they have been together longer but no one else because they just met?

    And I agree that accepting money for dates is a no no. My parents want to do every wedding faux pas, from dollar dances to a cash bar. I put my foot down on the cash bar and dollar dance. Its been a constant battle with them, which only adds to my frustration because my fiancé and I are paying for the wedding. 

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  • JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    Tiffybues said:

    Thanks everyone for you input! I do have one cousin who has been with his GF for about a year but the rest are random. Most of them just meeting their requested dates in the last couple weeks. I do feel bad for my cousin who has been with his GF for a while. My next question is, how do I reason with everyone else that one person can bring a guest because they have been together longer but no one else because they just met?

    And I agree that accepting money for dates is a no no. My parents want to do every wedding faux pas, from dollar dances to a cash bar. I put my foot down on the cash bar and dollar dance. Its been a constant battle with them, which only adds to my frustration because my fiancé and I are paying for the wedding. 

    Your cousin's GF needs to be invited. Find room for her and let him know ASAP it was your oversight and you apologize.
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  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ask them "Is he/she your boyfriend/girlfriend?"  If they say yes, invite them.  

    Is it that difficult? 
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Why didn't you invite your cousin's girlfriend?
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2014
    OMG we get these questions every fucking day. There is a difference between significant others (ie, girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, fiances, domestic partner, etc) and plus ones. A plus one is for someone who is not in a relationship with another person (ie. single). 

    I can not believe you are not inviting your cousin's girlfriend. Do you not understand that at one point you and your fiance were only boyfriend girlfriend too?  Seriously, people, you need to invite the person your primary guest is in love with, if you want them to celebrate your love. FFS.
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  • indianaalumindianaalum member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    Tiffybues said:

    Thanks everyone for you input! I do have one cousin who has been with his GF for about a year but the rest are random. Most of them just meeting their requested dates in the last couple weeks. I do feel bad for my cousin who has been with his GF for a while. My next question is, how do I reason with everyone else that one person can bring a guest because they have been together longer but no one else because they just met?

    And I agree that accepting money for dates is a no no. My parents want to do every wedding faux pas, from dollar dances to a cash bar. I put my foot down on the cash bar and dollar dance. Its been a constant battle with them, which only adds to my frustration because my fiancé and I are paying for the wedding. 

    The cousin WITH a girlfried should ABSOLUTELY have her invited.

    If the others CONSIDER themselves in a relationship (regardless of how serious you or your dad view it), the should ALSO be allowed to bring their SO
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    The girlfriend gets invited. /bangs gavel

    As for the others, it's nice if you can afford to give single people a plus one, but if you can't, you can't. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    AddieCake said:

    The girlfriend gets invited. /bangs gavel


    As for the others, it's nice if you can afford to give single people a plus one, but if you can't, you can't. 
    You're gonna need a bigger gavel...
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    huskypuppy14 said:
    OMG we get these questions every fucking day. There is a difference between significant others (ie, girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, fiances, domestic partner, etc) and plus ones. A plus one is for someone who is not in a relationship with another person (ie. single). 

    I can not believe you are not inviting your cousin's girlfriend. Do you not understand that at one point you and your fiance were only boyfriend girlfriend too?  Seriously, people, you need to invite the person your primary guest is in love with, if you want them to celebrate your love. FFS.
    I wrote a guide a while back but it didn't get stickied :(
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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