Sister-In-Law Wants to Put on a Show!

keh65 · May 2014

My future sister-in-law has expressed several times that she wants to sing for our wedding. The problem is, we've been family friends with my in-laws for years, and I can't think of a single graduation party, superbowl, or any get-together where she hasn't stopped the festivities and put on a performance for all the attendees. It may sound selfish, but for my wedding, I just kind of want that one day to not be her performance. She has a lovely voice, and is pursuing musical theatre as a profession, so these "impromptu" performances are taken very seriously, and I know from past experience with her and my mother-in-law that me being the one to botch the idea would be taken very offensively. Luckily, the church is very strict on using only their hired vocalists, but I am still concerned about the reception. I have included her already as a bridesmaid, and I think she should be happy with that role. How can I make sure she doesn't sing without causing a huge amount of drama? My fiance doesn't understand why I would have a problem with it, so he may not be much help.

(I know this may come across as petty, but my future sister-in-law has a tendency to want all eyes on her. She even announced my engagement on facebook before I could tell my own relatives.... Is is so bad for the bride to want to avoid others getting so much attention on her wedding day?) Please help!

Simply Fated · May 2014

I'd have been pissed, too, if my relative found put I was engaged on Facebook that sucks.
I completely understand why you don't want her to sing. The problem is, your Fi doesn't. This could potentially end badly. Are you having a dj or band? You could just ask them to not give her or anyone a mic.

gg&ld14 · May 2014

OMG! I was about to post the EXACT SAME THING! I'm worried about that too.

My sister in law wanted to sing "Ave Maria" at the Church Ceremony, but thankfully, it isn't allowed either.

I'm still worried about the reception too. We will have a wedding band, so I was thinking about asking them not to give the mic to ANYONE. My FI doesn't care either way, but I know that if she or his mom pushed him I would be in trouble.

My sister in law is serious about her singing too; she's in a jazz band and working on a record.

She sang at our engagement party and every other family event I've attended in the last 3 years, so I know what you mean about everybody expecting it and being serious about it.But I don't think neither of us are being petty, it's a wedding, not karaoke night.

AddieCake · May 2014

You and your fiance first need to get on the same page about it.

blabla89 · May 2014

Your feelings are completely reasonable. I wouldn't want that either. You and your FI really need to get on the same page about it. I sometimes have to remind my FI that I grew up in a family that worked very differently from the way his family works, and so I don't feel comfortable with some of the things that his family considers normal. You can have this conversation diplomatically without making him feel like you're trashing his family.

Then, your FI needs to take the lead in talking to his sister about it. He can be gracious and thank her for offering up her talents, and explain that you really don't feel there's a place for a vocal performance in your wedding festivities. Again, if it's handled diplomatically then it shouldn't be a big deal. Just make sure you warn the DJ not to let her get hold of the mic...

JaxInBlue · May 2014

Agree with Addie. If your fiance is okay with it, it's going to be harder to stop her; it may be that he and his family, despite taking her performances seriously, have come to accept that they are a part of inviting or including her in events.

If you and your FI can get on the same page, then he needs to be the one to tell her than you both would prefer she enjoy the day as a guest, not as part of the hired entertainment. In addition, you or he can tell your DJ/MC/bandleader that no one is to be given the mike for impromptu speeches or performances. As you as you are the ones paying for that service, that is.

Some on my side tend like to give surprise, long-winded, not-funny-in-the-way-they intended speeches. We wanted to skip the awkwardness so we told our DJ who the speech makers were and that no one else was to deliver something off-the-cuff.

Jen4948 · May 2014

I agree with you. Someone else's wedding is not an audition opportunity for your FSIL. I hope you and your FI can get on the same page with this.

NYCMercedes · May 2014

When FI speaks with either his mom or sis, he truly needs to believe that his wedding is not the place for a solo entertainer. Otherwise, he will not be convincing and they will know it's you that doesn't want her to sing.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

If your FI doesn't have a problem with this, then you have an uphill battle. You need to get him on your side and then HE needs to tell his mother and sister 'no singing.'

Also, if you're paying the DJ or band, tell them not to give the mic to anyone other than the speech makers.

wrigleyville · May 2014

katlovespat said:

She even announced my engagement on facebook before I could tell my own relatives

Ugh. I cannot stand people like this. I have a "friend" at work who I keep at arm's length. She announces all kinds of stuff on FB and even emails the entire office, having absolutely no clue that she's a nosy busybody who just wants to be "first" to get all of the information. I think it makes her feel important and loved, but people cannot stand her.

The worst example: another co-worker's husband died, suddenly and unexpectedly, on New Year's Day. Busybody announced it on FB and *wrote it on my co-worker's FB wall* after hearing it from someone who'd been at the hospital. My poor co-worker ended up getting a slew of phone calls and text message from relatives and friends asking what happened while she was still trying to deal with the final hospital paperwork.

Then, Busybody dug around on the internet, found the funeral information, and emailed it to the entire office with a message that said, "I found it! Here's J's funeral info." Normally, this is handled by HR, tactfully and with the grieving party's permission. Unbelievable.

kmmssg · May 2014

wrigleyville said:

katlovespat said:

She even announced my engagement on facebook before I could tell my own relatives

Ugh. I cannot stand people like this. I have a "friend" at work who I keep at arm's length. She announces all kinds of stuff on FB and even emails the entire office, having absolutely no clue that she's a nosy busybody who just wants to be "first" to get all of the information. I think it makes her feel important and loved, but people cannot stand her.

The worst example: another co-worker's husband died, suddenly and unexpectedly, on New Year's Day. Busybody announced it on FB and *wrote it on my co-worker's FB wall* after hearing it from someone who'd been at the hospital. My poor co-worker ended up getting a slew of phone calls and text message from relatives and friends asking what happened while she was still trying to deal with the final hospital paperwork.

Then, Busybody dug around on the internet, found the funeral information, and emailed it to the entire office with a message that said, "I found it! Here's J's funeral info." Normally, this is handled by HR, tactfully and with the grieving party's permission. Unbelievable.

Holy crap! Please tell me she got in hot water for doing that.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

kmmssg said:

wrigleyville said:

katlovespat said:

She even announced my engagement on facebook before I could tell my own relatives

Ugh. I cannot stand people like this. I have a "friend" at work who I keep at arm's length. She announces all kinds of stuff on FB and even emails the entire office, having absolutely no clue that she's a nosy busybody who just wants to be "first" to get all of the information. I think it makes her feel important and loved, but people cannot stand her.

The worst example: another co-worker's husband died, suddenly and unexpectedly, on New Year's Day. Busybody announced it on FB and *wrote it on my co-worker's FB wall* after hearing it from someone who'd been at the hospital. My poor co-worker ended up getting a slew of phone calls and text message from relatives and friends asking what happened while she was still trying to deal with the final hospital paperwork.

Then, Busybody dug around on the internet, found the funeral information, and emailed it to the entire office with a message that said, "I found it! Here's J's funeral info." Normally, this is handled by HR, tactfully and with the grieving party's permission. Unbelievable.

Holy crap! Please tell me she got in hot water for doing that.

Also, tell me why someone hasn't taken her aside and had a fucking come-to-Jesus with her. And why are ANY of you FB friends with her???

Aray82 · May 2014

Hah, this sounds like something my family would do--and has done! Before we even set a date, my aunt told me that my cousins would play the violin for my church music. They are great violinists, but my aunt always makes them play for family events and always wants everyone to stop eating/talking to listen to them--not to mention they are teenagers and college students with their own lives and especially now should not be volunteered by their mother for this kind of stuff. I told her thank you, but we have a church organist already (required) and we also really would prefer our family enjoy the ceremony as guests.

Zealous as she sounds, maybe you could pitch it to her as a day off from her professional pursuit and a chance to rest her voice? Or FI could try this approach? You could also explain to him the difference between "performing" which is what she does and using song to help guide people through a reverent moment. The focus should be on the rite of your marriage (or on whatever reason for the particular church ceremony on a given day) and on the presence of God in this act--not on "oh doesn't SIL have a beautiful voice". Same goes for the reception; when FI plays in jazz trios at restaurants the music is meant to enhance the ambiance rather than draw attention to him and the band as performers.

You are absolutely NOT selfish for wanting to be in charge of the music for your own wedding. Definitely tell the band not to give the mic to anyone, even if you can convince FI to see this from your side. As for fscebook announcing your enhancement...wowsa! That's a post in and of itself!

APDSS22 · May 2014

Aray82 said:

Hah, this sounds like something my family would do--and has done! Before we even set a date, my aunt told me that my cousins would play the violin for my church music. They are great violinists, but my aunt always makes them play for family events and always wants everyone to stop eating/talking to listen to them--not to mention they are teenagers and college students with their own lives and especially now should not be volunteered by their mother for this kind of stuff. I told her thank you, but we have a church organist already (required) and we also really would prefer our family enjoy the ceremony as guests. Zealous as she sounds, maybe you could pitch it to her as a day off from her professional pursuit and a chance to rest her voice? Or FI could try this approach? You could also explain to him the difference between "performing" which is what she does and using song to help guide people through a reverent moment. The focus should be on the rite of your marriage (or on whatever reason for the particular church ceremony on a given day) and on the presence of God in this act--not on "oh doesn't SIL have a beautiful voice". Same goes for the reception; when FI plays in jazz trios at restaurants the music is meant to enhance the ambiance rather than draw attention to him and the band as performers. You are absolutely NOT selfish for wanting to be in charge of the music for your own wedding. Definitely tell the band not to give the mic to anyone, even if you can convince FI to see this from your side. As for fscebook announcing your enhancement...wowsa! That's a post in and of itself!

*engagement, not enhancement (though I am giggling at the implications, being immature as I am).

wrigleyville · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Also, tell me why someone hasn't taken her aside and had a fucking come-to-Jesus with her. And why are ANY of you FB friends with her???

I'm not sure if anyone said anything about the lack of tact. I don't really talk to her, as she's in another department now. I would never, ever, ever tell her anything personal. Ever.

I'm not FB friends with her. I only see things she posts on my co-workers' pages, as I'm friends with them.

KGold80 · May 2014

My FI's cousin is a musician and he really wants to sing at our wedding. Initially he asked if he could sing during cocktail hour, but we are paying a DJ for the whole time and we do not want to have him play for an hour and waste our money. It really means a lot to his mom (who is just such a sweet supportive lady) that he be able to sing for us, so he will sing one song and it will not be a spotlight performance with all eyes on him. instead, he can sing while others dance. We will be asking him in advance what he plans to sing to make sure it is a song we are both cool with.

That said, I totally get why you don't want your SIL to "perform" because it sounds like she isn't doing it for you so much as to be the center of attention. I'm sorry it is such a tricky situation for you and your FI definitely needs to back you up on this. Your wedding is about the two of you, not your SIL and her amazing voice.

keh65 · May 2014

Thanks everyone for the replies! I guess I will try to figure out the best way to explain it to my fiance first, and then warn both my DJ and my day-of coordinator that she isn't to be given the opportunity. I just have to make sure they have some logistical reason to give her (maybe that there just isn't time and that they aren't authorized to make any schedule changes?) As long as they don't say "Sorry, the bride said it isn't allowed" and put me in the bad guy role on my wedding day! As a side note, my parents are completely hosting the event, and they don't want her to sing, so there's no issue as far as the in-laws deserving a say because they are chipping in, because they aren't.

Jen4948 · May 2014

katlovespat said:

Thanks everyone for the replies! I guess I will try to figure out the best way to explain it to my fiance first, and then warn both my DJ and my day-of coordinator that she isn't to be given the opportunity. I just have to make sure they have some logistical reason to give her (maybe that there just isn't time and that they aren't authorized to make any schedule changes?) As long as they don't say "Sorry, the bride said it isn't allowed" and put me in the bad guy role on my wedding day! As a side note, my parents are completely hosting the event, and they don't want her to sing, so there's no issue as far as the in-laws deserving a say because they are chipping in, because they aren't.

You don't even need a logistical reason. "No" is a perfectly valid response. If she pitches a fit it's on her, not you. But if you want to soften it, the bolded is fine.

keh65 · May 2014

keh65 · May 2014

katlovespat said:

Thanks everyone for the replies! I guess I will try to figure out the best way to explain it to my fiance first, and then warn both my DJ and my day-of coordinator that she isn't to be given the opportunity. I just have to make sure they have some logistical reason to give her (maybe that there just isn't time and that they aren't authorized to make any schedule changes?) As long as they don't say "Sorry, the bride said it isn't allowed" and put me in the bad guy role on my wedding day! As a side note, my parents are completely hosting the event, and they don't want her to sing, so there's no issue as far as the in-laws deserving a say because they are chipping in, because they aren't.

You don't even need a logistical reason. "No" is a perfectly valid response. If she pitches a fit it's on her, not you. But if you want to soften it, the bolded is fine.

You are so right. I guess I was just expecting that my SIL or MIL would demand a reason (they are pretty assertive, to put it nicely). But, really, I think just "NO" would probably be the best way to go. That way they don't come to me and ask me to "authorize" it with the DJ, and make me feel pressured.

phira · May 2014

The reason should be, "Sorry. The couple has requested that the mic not be given to any guests."

scrunchythief · May 2014

If your FI does want her to sing, maybe there's a time/song that wouldn't be quite so attention-grabbing such as during cocktail hour or toward the end of the night? Or maybe if you're having a Mother/Son dance, she could sing that? It'd still be quite a bit of attention, but not at a time when you'd be the center anyways.

That really sucks and I can't fathom stopping every random event to perform. And I adore singing. However, since she is so practiced at starting these impromptu performances, it might be in your favor to arrange a performance with her so you don't get surprised. (Even if she doesn't have a mic. Since she's in musical theater, she might not need it.)

CamiSelene · May 2014

I am going to go a bit against the grain here... I understand your feelings and actually have a very similar situation. My FI's family is all accomplished musicians (dad has a band and used to be in a popular "hair band" in the area we live in during the 80's., mom is a violinist, and sister is a singer/songwriter). FI's parents will be playing music while I walk down the aisle as well as during our marriage license signing. My FMIL even suggested that my FSIL sing during the signing at the ceremony (FSIL is FMIL's shining star and FSIL is very much an attention seeker. She loves all eyes being on her). At first, I felt the same way as you but as I continued to think about it, is it really that bad? I mean, people will be gushing over you and your new husband all day regardless of whether your FSIL sings or not.

Also, I don't know about you, but my FSIL is younger (19) and as much as she is your typical diva/attention seeker, I don't think she means to want to sing to take the attention or "steal the show". I think she is just genuinely excited that her brother is getting married and she will be gaining a new sister so she wants to do something that she deems as a nice gesture for you. My FSIL posted about our engagement on FB before I could get a hold of my brother and tell him but then again, so did FI's bff. These people are just excited and happy for you. I say enjoy it and let her sing. What's it going to hurt? It is a sweet gesture that your FSIL wants to do to show her support for you entering her family. That's the way I see it anyway. I have decided to let my FSIL sing (FFIL's band may even do something at our reception)

wrigleyville · May 2014

scrunchythief said:

If your FI does want her to sing, maybe there's a time/song that wouldn't be quite so attention-grabbing such as during cocktail hour or toward the end of the night? Or maybe if you're having a Mother/Son dance, she could sing that? It'd still be quite a bit of attention, but not at a time when you'd be the center anyways.

That really sucks and I can't fathom stopping every random event to perform. And I adore singing. However, since she is so practiced at starting these impromptu performances, it might be in your favor to arrange a performance with her so you don't get surprised. (Even if she doesn't have a mic. Since she's in musical theater, she might not need it.)

That's a really good point. People who do professional theatre can project like a mofo, especially singers.

Aray82 · May 2014

APDSS22 said:

Aray82 said:

Hah, this sounds like something my family would do--and has done! Before we even set a date, my aunt told me that my cousins would play the violin for my church music. They are great violinists, but my aunt always makes them play for family events and always wants everyone to stop eating/talking to listen to them--not to mention they are teenagers and college students with their own lives and especially now should not be volunteered by their mother for this kind of stuff. I told her thank you, but we have a church organist already (required) and we also really would prefer our family enjoy the ceremony as guests.

Zealous as she sounds, maybe you could pitch it to her as a day off from her professional pursuit and a chance to rest her voice? Or FI could try this approach? You could also explain to him the difference between "performing" which is what she does and using song to help guide people through a reverent moment. The focus should be on the rite of your marriage (or on whatever reason for the particular church ceremony on a given day) and on the presence of God in this act--not on "oh doesn't SIL have a beautiful voice". Same goes for the reception; when FI plays in jazz trios at restaurants the music is meant to enhance the ambiance rather than draw attention to him and the band as performers.

You are absolutely NOT selfish for wanting to be in charge of the music for your own wedding. Definitely tell the band not to give the mic to anyone, even if you can convince FI to see this from your side. As for fscebook announcing your enhancement...wowsa! That's a post in and of itself!

*engagement, not enhancement (though I am giggling at the implications, being immature as I am).

Yeah--thanks for catching that! Stupid phone typing :P

Rosebubbly · May 2014

scrunchythief said:

If your FI does want her to sing, maybe there's a time/song that wouldn't be quite so attention-grabbing such as during cocktail hour or toward the end of the night? Or maybe if you're having a Mother/Son dance, she could sing that? It'd still be quite a bit of attention, but not at a time when you'd be the center anyways.

That really sucks and I can't fathom stopping every random event to perform. And I adore singing. However, since she is so practiced at starting these impromptu performances, it might be in your favor to arrange a performance with her so you don't get surprised. (Even if she doesn't have a mic. Since she's in musical theater, she might not need it.)

That's a really good point. People who do professional theatre can project like a mofo, especially singers.

That is a really good point, about not even needing the mic! But wow, if somebody randomly got up and sang without a mic or any kind of intro, they would really get side eyed and some weird looks.

clcountry · May 2014

First, I want to say that I completely understand where you're coming from. However, I have a question.

You say your fiance doesn't understand why you have a problem with this. Does that mean he doesn't care either way and doesn't understand why you do? Or does it mean that he does want her to and doesn't understand why you don't?

If it's the former, then you've already gotten a lot of excellent advice.

However, if there's even a possibility that it's the latter, then I think this is a good thing for you to compromise on (I like the suggestion of having her sing for the mother/son dance if you're having one). After all, it is his day, too.

Finally, it's actually really, really hard to steal the attention from a bride and groom on their wedding day (something that will be especially true if most of your guests have seen her do this before). If she's singing and you're walking down the aisle or dancing, people are still going to be looking at you or just doing their own things.

kitty8403 · May 2014

Trying to butt in and sing, read, speak, or otherwise perform at a wedding without being specifically asked is beyond rude. It's insane that you feel so pressured you think you even have to have this conversation. Just say, "thanks, but we have other ideas for this event."
Are you doing programs? Because I would totally sketch out the ceremony, beginning to end, in writing, and LEAVE HER NAME OFF. If she pushes her way up, she will look ridiculous. Tell your officiant, your DJ or band leader, and your DOC and ushers, if you have them. If she has an ounce of sense, you shouldn't have to talk to her directly at all. If she doesn't, you might need a shock collar and a spray bottle.

kitty8403 · May 2014

Just have a set plan for all "performances." Speeches, readings. Musical numbers. Assign all of it and spell it out. If she is not listed and it's clear you have plans, that should help. If you have no music lined up or no reception schedule, that leaves her a lot of openings.

ETA: I disagree with PP suggestions pressuring you to let go and just play nice. Sis needs to grow up. The fact that there is an "artist" in the family does not automatically make said "artist" entitled to have any gig she wants just because she wants it. You are well within your rights to book any vendor of your choice. Me, I would, under normal circumstances, die on this hill. It smacks of in-law interference you two don't need.

*The above statement assumes your FI does not particularly care about having his sister sing and just wants to keep peace. If FI strongly admires her and it is very personally important to your FI that she sing, you might want to reconsider dying on this hill.*

That being said, your argument won't hold much water in terms of getting your FI on your side, unless you have a full program slated. It's much easier to say, •FI, the music is important to me, and these are the songs and artists we've selected already. There is no more room" than it is to say "FI, I don't want your sis hogging the spotlight, today of all days. I know she's excited but I don't want to put up with the immaturity and the drama this time. Perhaps we can book her for our holiday party/open house/upcoming birthday instead?"

crunchymamaof2 · May 2014

I understand and agree with you in this issue. I think weddings aren't the time or place for performances. The only time there should be an "audience" is during the ceremony. I really don't get spotlight dances either and wished we had skipped them ourselves.

That said, with your FI's feelings, I think you ll have an uphill battle if he can't get on your side. In the big scheme of things I'm not sure if this is a battle I'd fight without my FI on the same page. I'd give it your all but have a plan b just in case. That could be planning her to sing for the mother/son dance or another point (maybe the cocktail hour when you won't be present) or it could be taking all measures to ensure if she does sing, it wasn't approved by you. But I have a feeling she'll sing with or without a mic and with or without permission. Is it rude to have the DOC stop her if she does begin singing?

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

I'm coming back to offer additional commentary, proffered by DH, whom I told this story to over the weekend.

He pointed out that the night we announced our engagement, my brother offered to play ceremony and/or reception music. My brother repeated that offer several times during our engagement, and was clearly very, very keen on it.

DH said to me, 'HisGirl, even if I didn't like your brother's singing, and I do, a lot, this clearly mattered a lot to you, a lot to your brother, and a lot to your mother. Those reasons alone would have been enough for me, let alone the fact your brother is mad talented and I love hearing his music.'

Ultimately, my brother played 'Canon in D' on the guitar as I walked down the aisle; he accompanied the organ for the hymns for preparation of the gifts and communion; and he played several songs at the reception after the cocktail hour (because he was in the WP and therefore in the photos we did during the cocktail hour.)

I really, really, REALLY love hearing my brother play and sing. He's a talented musician, and his skill utterly awes me. We took the same number of years of music lessons and he just blows me out of the water in terms of talent.

I'm lucky, because DH also loves hearing my brother sing and we frequently make the 2.5-hour trek to where my parents/brother/SIL/nephew all live to catch my brother's gigs. DH is in the midst of figuring out when open mic nights are where we live so my brother can come down this summer and play gigs near us.

Had DH told me that he didn't want my brother to sing/play at the reception (or the wedding, for that matter), I would have been hurt, and he would have needed a good reason. Had he said, 'I'm worried that he'll steal the spotlight from us,' I would have looked at him liked he grown a second head and told him he was crazypants.

DH and I have a deal in our marriage that whoever cares more about an issue gets to cast the tie-breaking vote. In this case, it wasn't a vote because DH was on-board with my brother playing music at both the ceremony and the reception.

What you have to figure out is if this is a hill you want to die on. If your FI either doesn't care OR does want his sister to sing, is it worth putting your foot down and saying, 'It's MY day and she can't sing!'?

And which of you cares more about this issue -- you with NOT wanting her to sing or your FI with wanting her to sing?

Neither answer is right or wrong, and if you still want to die on this hill, by all means, go for it. But you absolutely have to have your FI on your side before you wage this battle, or you're going to come off as looking petty.

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