Dad v Stepdad Wedding Roles

sbrown1019 · May 2014

I know there are a lot of brides on here who are having or have had similar issues and was hoping I could get some idea/feedback from you all...

I am not getting married until September 2015, but the fun drama of being in a blended family has already begun.

A few years ago, my sister got married and she had both my stepdad and dad walk her down the aisle and she also did a father/daughter dance with both my stepdad and dad. This essentially crushed my dad.

I have always planned on just having my dad walk me down the aisle and just having one father daughter dance... I have grown up with my stepdad since I was 6 and I know he would do anything for me, but I don't want to take this moment away from my dad who I am very close with.

But, then the other day my mom told me she would be very disappointed if I didn't at least do a dance with my stepdad. I brought it up to my dad and it really upset him...

I feel like I'm in a lose/lose situation and I'm just trying to find other unique ways to incorporate my stepdad without offending my dad.

Any ideas??

Thanks!

Bubblegum5586 · May 2014

My situation is a little different from yours in that my parents divorced when I was 16 and I lived with my dad. I am still extremely close to my mom though and when she remarried to my step dad I never had a chance to get super close because I never lived there for more then a few months (summers between college) and I have the best dad ever that I am super close with. Because of that there was never a question that my dad would get all the "dad" roles. I had my step dad as part of the processional and walk with my step mom and announced as my step dad and walked in with my mom at the reception.

I know that is probably not helpful as I can't really relate as it sounds your step dad and you are close. Does your step dad have other kids (previous marriage?) does your dad have step kids from his current marriage? Depending on these answers would be how I would decide to proceed personally. But, this is your decision and you have to do what will make you happiest and both your dads should be supportive of that.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

sbrown1019 said:

I know there are a lot of brides on here who are having or have had similar issues and was hoping I could get some idea/feedback from you all...

I am not getting married until September 2015, but the fun drama of being in a blended family has already begun.

A few years ago, my sister got married and she had both my stepdad and dad walk her down the aisle and she also did a father/daughter dance with both my stepdad and dad. This essentially crushed my dad.

I have always planned on just having my dad walk me down the aisle and just having one father daughter dance... I have grown up with my stepdad since I was 6 and I know he would do anything for me, but I don't want to take this moment away from my dad who I am very close with.

But, then the other day my mom told me she would be very disappointed if I didn't at least do a dance with my stepdad. I brought it up to my dad and it really upset him...

I feel like I'm in a lose/lose situation and I'm just trying to find other unique ways to incorporate my stepdad without offending my dad.

Any ideas??

Thanks!

Full disclosure: I am the child of an intact nuclear family.

That being said, I will always err on the side of being inclusive rather than exclusive.

Your step-father has been in your life since you were 6. That's a really long time. And if you view him as a father-figure, then you should include him in some way. Whether that's a special dance, or having him do a reading, or whatever, he should be included.

If that hurts your father's feelings, well, too damn bad. I don't mean to sound harsh, but the reality of the situation is that he is NOT the only father-figure in your life, and he can't pretend he is.

Is it worth hurting your mother's and stepfather's feelings at the expense of making your dad happy? And, what precedent does this set -- will your kids be forced to call your stepfather something other than 'grandpa' because your dad wants to be the only 'grandfather'?

Jen4948 · May 2014

I think you may have to have a come-to-Jesus meeting with both your father and your mother and stepfather, and explain that all three parents are important to you, and their threats of hurt feelings at the inclusion of the opposite party as your father need to cease and desist. It is not realistic of your father to insist on being the only one of your fathers present, but it would also not be realistic of your mother and stepfather to insist that your father not be recognized as your father.

So I'd have both a father-daughter and a stepfather-daughter dance (although I wouldn't have two spotlight dances; that could take too long-maybe you could dance with one during half of a song and then the other during the other half), and work out who will escort you down the aisle. Again, either both fathers could do it, or one could hand off to the other halfway down the aisle. But it's not okay for either set of parents to insist on monopolizing the father role in your wedding.

phira · May 2014

Y'all, I think that a slew of us should get together and put together some kind of book of essays on what it's like to plan and have a wedding when you don't have an intact family. Because wow, are resources scarce.

You're right that you're in a lose-lose situation right now; you can't simultaneously include AND exclude your stepdad.

It also makes it worse that your sister went first. Because she included your stepdad, your dad has the opportunity to say, "I sucked it up at the time, but it was much more devastating than I expected, please don't do this to me again." And it means that if you exclude your stepdad, he and your mother have the opportunity to say, "Why would you do this? Your sister didn't!"

Anyway, my recommendation is to pretend that no one's feelings matter except yours. If no one else's feelings matter, if you knew that whatever you decided, THAT would be everyone's happiest, most ideal outcome, what would you pick?

And that's your answer.

If you choose to exclude your stepdad:

"I'm really sorry that you're sad, but I feel more comfortable reserving the honors of father of the bride for Dad. I know that Sister didn't do it this way, but this isn't her wedding. I love you/Stepdad very much, but this is the decision I'm making."

If you choose to include your stepdad:

"I'm really sorry that you're sad, but Stepdad is still a parent to me, and I am honoring him as one of my two fathers on my wedding day. You can either choose to share that honor with him, or reject it, but my decision is made."

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

phira said:

Y'all, I think that a slew of us should get together and put together some kind of book of essays on what it's like to plan and have a wedding when you don't have an intact family. Because wow, are resources scarce.

You're right that you're in a lose-lose situation right now; you can't simultaneously include AND exclude your stepdad.

It also makes it worse that your sister went first. Because she included your stepdad, your dad has the opportunity to say, "I sucked it up at the time, but it was much more devastating than I expected, please don't do this to me again." And it means that if you exclude your stepdad, he and your mother have the opportunity to say, "Why would you do this? Your sister didn't!"

Anyway, my recommendation is to pretend that no one's feelings matter except yours. If no one else's feelings matter, if you knew that whatever you decided, THAT would be everyone's happiest, most ideal outcome, what would you pick?

And that's your answer.

If you choose to exclude your stepdad:

"I'm really sorry that you're sad, but I feel more comfortable reserving the honors of father of the bride for Dad. I know that Sister didn't do it this way, but this isn't her wedding. I love you/Stepdad very much, but this is the decision I'm making."

If you choose to include your stepdad:

"I'm really sorry that you're sad, but Stepdad is still a parent to me, and I am honoring him as one of my two fathers on my wedding day. You can either choose to share that honor with him, or reject it, but my decision is made."

This is so very, very, VERY true. We should.

hlpopper · May 2014

I just have to say I love this forum... I hadn't even thought of this until I saw it as I have a step father and a father. I've always been a Daddy's girl and I only just recently started getting closer to my step dad as there had been some major problems when I was younger. (He grew up in Vietnam during the war so he's a rather scarred individual who thinks us who grew up normally are weenies) But I'm also super super close to my step-mom and she and my mother are both sharing roles at the wedding as I'm not close to my mother at all, but I think it's important for her to do the mother roles. My concern is, because I'm having my step mom take part in the mother roles, should I have my step-dad take part in the father roles?

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

hlpopper said:

I just have to say I love this forum... I hadn't even thought of this until I saw it as I have a step father and a father. I've always been a Daddy's girl and I only just recently started getting closer to my step dad as there had been some major problems when I was younger. (He grew up in Vietnam during the war so he's a rather scarred individual who thinks us who grew up normally are weenies) But I'm also super super close to my step-mom and she and my mother are both sharing roles at the wedding as I'm not close to my mother at all, but I think it's important for her to do the mother roles. My concern is, because I'm having my step mom take part in the mother roles, should I have my step-dad take part in the father roles?

This is entirely up to you. If he's the only parental figure NOT involved somehow, he may feel left out, and that's something to consider. There is no right or wrong answer, but there will be consequences to whatever you decide to do.

faithdevilsbee · May 2014

To the OP:

This is a concern for me as well. However, I am the one that is close with my stepdad, and my older sister is not. She was married before and just had our dad do the dad things. She's getting married for a 2nd time this fall and as far as I know still not having anything special for my stepdad. My stepdad has been nothing but wonderful to me, and I want him to have a special role. But I worry my dad will be crushed too! I've thought about the joint walk, the halfway walk, the half and half dance, etc. etc.

Here's my thoughts, for what they're worth:

A) Joint walk is bulky.

Half and half is sort of like passing the torch, and they both played important roles, so no, there will be no torch passing. C) Cutting songs in half or shortening them isn't fair either.

Here's my FI's thoughts, as told to answer my concern:

1) Dad walks me down the aisle. That's Dad's role, and just because I also have a stepdad shouldn't strip him of that "right" he's earned.

2) They both get a dance. There will be plenty of food for people to eat and no real concern to them to be seated for an extra 3 minutes while that happens. It's one freaking extra dance, not a half hour show or 3 hour gap.

3) Dad gets to choose if his dance is first or second. And they won't be back to back. Either the Groom/Mom dance will be in between and there will be 3 special dances, or the second one would be break from the fast dances and give people a reason to rest and refill their drinks.

Granted, this is what works for my family dynamic and I understand it won't work for everyone, but I think that's as fair a deal as any, and both Dad and Stepdad should honor that, hopefully!

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