Post-reception reception? Alternate title: Is my FMIL making this up?

tortoisebride · May 2014

The facts:

Wedding & brunch reception scheduled from 11-3 on a Saturday in July

45-60 guests, most of whom are related to the groom

My FMIL is declaring that after the reception we'll have a cookout & presumably pool party at her house, which is nearby, because people will expect to do that. I'm really confused by this not because it's a problem in itself,* but previously, she said she didn't even think people would stay for the whole reception necessarily. I was considering having the "toast" speeches done during the ceremony and her argument was that we'd need something to do during the reception because, e.g., our Easter brunch get-together only lasted 1.5-2 hours before people left. Now suddenly she expects people will want to keep hanging out after four hours together already?

* It's a little bit of a problem because honestly after getting married and being hosts for several hours probably the last thing my FI and I ok let's be honest, mostly I, will want is to hang around with family for another 2-3 hours instead of relaxing with my new husband! If I *were* interested in an afterparty I'd probably want to spend time with my friends who are coming from out of state and who I see maybe once or twice a year, rather than with the extended FIL who live in the area.

This is clearly something I'll let go, but what?

Jen4948 · May 2014

I wouldn't let it go. If you and your FI need private time after your reception is over, then your FI needs to make that clear to his mother that regardless of what she thinks "people" will "expect," the celebration is over. If she wants to keep hosting people after the reception, that's certainly up to her, but she can't expect you and your FI to make yourselves available for more partying just because she wants to be a hostess.

tammym1001 · May 2014

I think it's perfectly acceptable for your FMIL to host her family at her house after the wedding, but I don't think she should expect you guys to be there. If it's a true after party and she wants you guys to be there (and you want to go) then she needs to invite everyone who will be at the wedding and not just her family.

tortoisebride · May 2014

@Jen4948 oh yeah by "let it go" I definitely don't mean "go along with it and stay til midnight." We'll just let her plan it, and then vamoose after the official reception >.>

@tammym1001 yeah I think she would invite anyone who wanted to come after the wedding, not just family. I think she thinks we would be there. Maybe I'll suggest she do a pre-wedding engagement party or shower or something if she wants to host a party? (No, I would not demand a shower, but I mean if she wants to host a thing that's one option).

Jen4948 · May 2014

tortoisebride said:

@Jen4948 oh yeah by "let it go" I definitely don't mean "go along with it and stay til midnight." We'll just let her plan it, and then vamoose after the official reception >.>

Ah, I see. I don't blame you for wanting to do this, but I think in the long run setting and enforcing boundaries is probably a better way to deal with your FMIL. I think you need to nip this in the bud rather than sneaking off. That would probably add extra fuel to the fire.

tortoisebride · May 2014

Jen4948 said:

tortoisebride said:

@Jen4948 oh yeah by "let it go" I definitely don't mean "go along with it and stay til midnight." We'll just let her plan it, and then vamoose after the official reception >.>

Ah, I see. I don't blame you for wanting to do this, but I think in the long run setting and enforcing boundaries is probably a better way to deal with your FMIL. I think you need to nip this in the bud rather than sneaking off. That would probably add extra fuel to the fire.

My FH and I have been together for 11 years. Still working on the boundaries, but don't worry, I set 'em when I need 'em. We actually have a really good relationship.

Jen4948 · May 2014

tortoisebride said:

Jen4948 said:

tortoisebride said:

@Jen4948 oh yeah by "let it go" I definitely don't mean "go along with it and stay til midnight." We'll just let her plan it, and then vamoose after the official reception >.>

Ah, I see. I don't blame you for wanting to do this, but I think in the long run setting and enforcing boundaries is probably a better way to deal with your FMIL. I think you need to nip this in the bud rather than sneaking off. That would probably add extra fuel to the fire.

My FH and I have been together for 11 years. Still working on the boundaries, but don't worry, I set 'em when I need 'em. We actually have a really good relationship.

That's good. I think this is a good situation for the boundaries though.

tortoisebride · May 2014

scribe95 said:

Don't tell your MIL you will come and then not show up. That is rude. Say you will stop by for an hour at most and do that.

I wouldn't really do that. I would tell her ahead of time. Should have included a winky face! I guess you never know how serious people could be about doing rude stuff considering some of the entitled bride attitudes we see here.

LarraO2530 · May 2014

I don't think it's rude of you to want to spend private time together as husband and wife after your wedding/reception. I agree with Jen4948 that most will know the celebration is over at the end of the reception and if your FMIL chooses to continue the party, she can certainly do so on her own for those who aren't ready to turn in.

There was an "after party" after the reception for my cousin's wedding at her mom's house, but she and her new groom did not attend. It was mainly a gathering for close family to sort of continue the celebration and mingle with each other since there were approx 200 people at the actual reception. Mainly those who came were those who were staying close by and weren't ready to call it a night.

banana468 · May 2014

tortoisebride said:
@Jen4948 oh yeah by "let it go" I definitely don't mean "go along with it and stay til midnight." We'll just let her plan it, and then vamoose after the official reception >.>

@tammym1001 yeah I think she would invite anyone who wanted to come after the wedding, not just family. I think she thinks we would be there. Maybe I'll suggest she do a pre-wedding engagement party or shower or something if she wants to host a party? (No, I would not demand a shower, but I mean if she wants to host a thing that's one option).

This doesn't really seem all that crazy. Most people I know that have morning weddings with afternoon receptions have a casual after party at night. The way most families see it is that friends and family have often traveled to see you so they want to continue hosting and showing everyone everyone a good time while in the festive mood.

In a lot of cases, the bride and groom attend and leave a bit early. I guess my philosophy is that you have plenty of time to be alone and have sex. What's a few hours with those who came to see you?

Jen4948 · May 2014

banana468 said:

@Jen4948 oh yeah by "let it go" I definitely don't mean "go along with it and stay til midnight." We'll just let her plan it, and then vamoose after the official reception >.>

@tammym1001 yeah I think she would invite anyone who wanted to come after the wedding, not just family. I think she thinks we would be there. Maybe I'll suggest she do a pre-wedding engagement party or shower or something if she wants to host a party? (No, I would not demand a shower, but I mean if she wants to host a thing that's one option).
This doesn't really seem all that crazy. Most people I know that have morning weddings with afternoon receptions have a casual after party at night. The way most families see it is that friends and family have often traveled to see you so they want to continue hosting and showing everyone everyone a good time while in the festive mood. In a lot of cases, the bride and groom attend and leave a bit early. I guess my philosophy is that you have plenty of time to be alone and have sex. What's a few hours with those who came to see you?

I would want some private time after my reception when it's over-if only just to rest from a long day. I'd be feeling tired at that point, even if the wedding and reception were earlier in the day-socializing with lots of people, especially if there's a significant chunk you don't know well or don't like-can take a lot of you, and add to that the other stress of making sure a wedding goes well.

This FMIL isn't willing to give them any down time once the reception is over because she wants to keep being a hostess while using the OP and her FI as the excuse. The wedding celebration is over when the reception ends.

banana468 · May 2014

Jen4948 said:

banana468 said:

tortoisebride said:
@Jen4948 oh yeah by "let it go" I definitely don't mean "go along with it and stay til midnight." We'll just let her plan it, and then vamoose after the official reception >.>

@tammym1001 yeah I think she would invite anyone who wanted to come after the wedding, not just family. I think she thinks we would be there. Maybe I'll suggest she do a pre-wedding engagement party or shower or something if she wants to host a party? (No, I would not demand a shower, but I mean if she wants to host a thing that's one option).
This doesn't really seem all that crazy. Most people I know that have morning weddings with afternoon receptions have a casual after party at night. The way most families see it is that friends and family have often traveled to see you so they want to continue hosting and showing everyone everyone a good time while in the festive mood.

In a lot of cases, the bride and groom attend and leave a bit early. I guess my philosophy is that you have plenty of time to be alone and have sex. What's a few hours with those who came to see you?

I would want some private time after my reception when it's over-if only just to rest from a long day. I'd be feeling tired at that point, even if the wedding and reception were earlier in the day-socializing with lots of people, especially if there's a significant chunk you don't know well or don't like-can take a lot of you, and add to that the other stress of making sure a wedding goes well.

This FMIL isn't willing to give them any down time once the reception is over because she wants to keep being a hostess while using the OP and her FI as the excuse. The wedding celebration is over when the reception ends.

It's perfectly fine to day to the MIL that they won't be there but MIL is also fine to continue hosting the guests. In many families, you WANT to host those who traveled when the reception is over before evening. That's the case for EVERY wedding that DH and I have attended with an afternoon reception.

I understand that the couple wants their time but I call bullshit that at 3 PM they're tired from a long day. My own reception ended at 10 and we still went out with the OOT guests and BP for a few hours to continue the celebration. And unlike you, I've actually BEEN married so I can attest to my level of fatigue.

If the B&G want to use this as a line in the sand to draw that's fine. I just don't see that the MOG is doing anything out of line by wanting to host.

Maggie0829 · May 2014

banana468 said:

banana468 said:

@Jen4948 oh yeah by "let it go" I definitely don't mean "go along with it and stay til midnight." We'll just let her plan it, and then vamoose after the official reception >.>

@tammym1001 yeah I think she would invite anyone who wanted to come after the wedding, not just family. I think she thinks we would be there. Maybe I'll suggest she do a pre-wedding engagement party or shower or something if she wants to host a party? (No, I would not demand a shower, but I mean if she wants to host a thing that's one option).
This doesn't really seem all that crazy. Most people I know that have morning weddings with afternoon receptions have a casual after party at night. The way most families see it is that friends and family have often traveled to see you so they want to continue hosting and showing everyone everyone a good time while in the festive mood. In a lot of cases, the bride and groom attend and leave a bit early. I guess my philosophy is that you have plenty of time to be alone and have sex. What's a few hours with those who came to see you?

I would want some private time after my reception when it's over-if only just to rest from a long day. I'd be feeling tired at that point, even if the wedding and reception were earlier in the day-socializing with lots of people, especially if there's a significant chunk you don't know well or don't like-can take a lot of you, and add to that the other stress of making sure a wedding goes well.

This FMIL isn't willing to give them any down time once the reception is over because she wants to keep being a hostess while using the OP and her FI as the excuse. The wedding celebration is over when the reception ends.
It's perfectly fine to day to the MIL that they won't be there but MIL is also fine to continue hosting the guests. In many families, you WANT to host those who traveled when the reception is over before evening. That's the case for EVERY wedding that DH and I have attended with an afternoon reception. I understand that the couple wants their time but I call bullshit that at 3 PM they're tired from a long day. My own reception ended at 10 and we still went out with the OOT guests and BP for a few hours to continue the celebration. And unlike you, I've actually BEEN married so I can attest to my level of fatigue. If the B&G want to use this as a line in the sand to draw that's fine. I just don't see that the MOG is doing anything out of line by wanting to host.

I agree with banana. I was up at 6:30am on my wedding day and my head did not hit the pillow until almost 3am the next day. And even then I was still wide awake. Why? Because I had just gotten married and partied with my friends and family and was so excited and pumped about everything that I just didn't want it to end. So I too call bullshit that at 3pm the day of OPs wedding will she be feeling drained and tired and want to take a nap.

And if FMIL wants to host something at her house after the wedding is over with that is her perogative. If OP and her FI want to skip out on it then that is up to them, but I really can't believe that they wouldn't want to continue to celebrate. I am thinking that they just don't want to continue to celebrate the way FMIL wants to continue to celebrate. They would rather hang out with their friends, which is fine, but they need to just tell FMIL that.

Jen4948 · May 2014

I have never said that the FMIL should not host anything; only that she should not demand the attendance of the OP and her FI. Even if it's still the afternoon, at that point in the day if they do not want to make themselves available for more socializing, for whatever reason, their decision should be respected by the FMIL. She can host her party without them.

rawrali · May 2014

We are also having a brunch reception and our FMIL is also throwing a BBQ at her house afterward. We told her from the start that we would not be attending. I don't really know why she is doing this, except for the fact it gave her an excuse to spend $$$$ to remodel her house. It's not really our problem. Our reception ends at 5 and our plan is to hit up our favorite ice cream shack (in our wedding clothes) and then RELAX.

tortoisebride · May 2014

Peeps getting mad in here. Chill. My major question was "Are afterparties a thing for morning weddings?" although I know I got into my own feelings about it so I don't blame people for focusing on that. I will check with my FI about how he feels about this and plan accordingly.

I agree with banana. I was up at 6:30am on my wedding day and my head did not hit the pillow until almost 3am the next day. And even then I was still wide awake. Why? Because I had just gotten married and partied with my friends and family and was so excited and pumped about everything that I just didn't want it to end.

That's cool for you, but not everyone is you. Please do not "call bullshit" on other people's feelings. My FI and I are both pretty introverted in our different ways and spending time with lots of people is draining. I have social anxiety so a crowd is a problem, attention is a problem, and worst of all people are going to be touching and hugging me and that's really, really stressful for me. I know, I'm weird. My FI isn't anxious in the same way but if given his druthers he'd prefer to hang out alone too. He can go for hours in a group gathering without saying a word. Our ideal wedding would have been the two of us and maybe my four close friends and his immediate family, but it's not politically possible in his family without causing a stink. So, we're doing the wedding, but I'm going to draw the line at second reception.

Maggie0829 · May 2014

tortoisebride said:

Peeps getting mad in here. Chill. My major question was "Are afterparties a thing for morning weddings?" although I know I got into my own feelings about it so I don't blame people for focusing on that. I will check with my FI about how he feels about this and plan accordingly.

I agree with banana. I was up at 6:30am on my wedding day and my head did not hit the pillow until almost 3am the next day. And even then I was still wide awake. Why? Because I had just gotten married and partied with my friends and family and was so excited and pumped about everything that I just didn't want it to end.

That's cool for you, but not everyone is you. Please do not "call bullshit" on other people's feelings. My FI and I are both pretty introverted in our different ways and spending time with lots of people is draining. I have social anxiety so a crowd is a problem, attention is a problem, and worst of all people are going to be touching and hugging me and that's really, really stressful for me. I know, I'm weird. My FI isn't anxious in the same way but if given his druthers he'd prefer to hang out alone too. He can go for hours in a group gathering without saying a word. Our ideal wedding would have been the two of us and maybe my four close friends and his immediate family, but it's not politically possible in his family without causing a stink. So, we're doing the wedding, but I'm going to draw the line at second reception.

But you are the one who said that if you did do something in the evening you would rather it be with your friends. So the conclusion I am coming up with is that you just don't want to go to your FMIL and hang out with family and that is cool. You don't have to. It is not rude to say no. Do what you want.

If you have that bad of social anxiety then why the hell did you let your FI family pressure you into a big wedding that you and your FI didn't want in the first place? Who the fuck cares if it would have caused a stink? This is your wedding not theirs and you shouldn't just roll over and say yes every time someone gets their panties in a wad.

And if you don't want people hugging you then make sure you stick out your hand for a handshake. The majority of people coming to this wedding should know you and your social anxiety issue so they shouldn't be surprised that you prefer to not be hugged. And when it comes time to talk to FI family who may not know about it just push for the handshake.

Maggie0829 · May 2014

rawrali said:

We are also having a brunch reception and our FMIL is also throwing a BBQ at her house afterward. We told her from the start that we would not be attending. I don't really know why she is doing this, except for the fact it gave her an excuse to spend $$$$ to remodel her house. It's not really our problem. Our reception ends at 5 and our plan is to hit up our favorite ice cream shack (in our wedding clothes) and then RELAX.

Maybe because she wants to continue hanging out with her family and friends?

NYCMercedes · May 2014

Your MIL sounds very gracious to offer her home to extend the festivities with or without you. You're very lucky!

rawrali · May 2014

Maggie0829 said:

rawrali said:

We are also having a brunch reception and our FMIL is also throwing a BBQ at her house afterward. We told her from the start that we would not be attending. I don't really know why she is doing this, except for the fact it gave her an excuse to spend $$$$ to remodel her house. It's not really our problem. Our reception ends at 5 and our plan is to hit up our favorite ice cream shack (in our wedding clothes) and then RELAX.

Maybe because she wants to continue hanging out with her family and friends?

And that is fine. Like the OP, I am pretty introverted. We will be around family/friends during the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner and then having cocktails and hanging out with extended family the night before the wedding (and then probably more cocktails with friends after that), and we will be around friends and family for 6+ hours on the wedding day. I am going to be pooped at that point and ready to take off my makeup, let down my hair, and relax. The last thing on Earth I would want to do on a hectic day like that would be to entertain people at my house after the reception is over. But again, it doesn't concern me -- if she wants to have the party, we have 0 problems with it. We just won't be there, and she is fine with that.

tortoisebride · May 2014

The key word in "If I wanted to do something afterward" was the "if." As for why the wedding at all, I do like planning things (in college I planned parties for my dorm and then hid in my room during them), and it's really important to his parents and grandparents that they be there. He's the eldest grandchild and the first one to get married. His mom is one of five and there's various step-relationships on his dad's side, so even if we limit it to aunts/uncles and first cousins, it gets to 40+ pretty quick. The other <20 who are invited are my own family and friends. We're having the wedding despite our personal preferences because we care about these people and their feelings.

Talked to FI and he says "Just let her do whatever she wants" and reminds me his family does often do this after holiday gatherings, just all re-gather afterward at someone else's house. They did it at Easter. I was confused because I thought it might be an obvious, morning wedding tradition thing I was unaware of because of how his mom talked about it. I gather now that it is a his-family thing and not a wedding thing. Thanks for all the input.

Maggie0829 · May 2014

tortoisebride said:

The key word in "If I wanted to do something afterward" was the "if." I do not understand why you are so angry about this, @Maggie. Different strokes. Rest assured there will be no drama over this.

Talked to FI and he says "Just let her do whatever she wants" and reminds me his family does often do this after holiday gatherings, just all re-gather afterward at someone else's house. They did it at Easter. I was confused because I thought it might be an obvious, morning wedding tradition thing I was unaware of because of how his mom talked about it. I gather now that it is a his-family thing and not a wedding thing. Thanks for all the input.

I am sorry but how am I angry about this @tortoisebride? I am merely stating my opinion. Not sure how you got anger though.

tortoisebride · May 2014

Yeah, I misread you because the middle part was a bit vehement. I re-read it and edited accordingly. I'm sorry I accused you of being weirdly angry.

lyndausvi · May 2014

After parties are very common in my social circle. My own sister's wedding was at 10:30am. Reception from 12-5. After-party back at my parent's house ended at 4am. All 267 guests were invited back to my parent's. About 150 attended. Most were gone by 8-9. My sister and her husband went to their hotel then came to the party for a while. They left early because of an early morning flight. Later said it was her main regret was not making later flight plans so they could stay at the after-party.

Different strokes for different folks, but I don't see it as weird at all. Our wedding was at night and I wanted to keep the party going. II've attend many post-reception gatherings. Actually, I don't think I've attended a wedding that didn't have one.

I would keep your options open. It seems the OP doesn't want to go simply because FMIL is hosting a party. I would just play it by ear. You may indeed be too tired to attend. But you might find you are on such a high and want to continue the party for a little longer. See how you feel and they decide.

ohannabelle · May 2014

Honestly, she's not making this up. When I was younger, this was standard wedding action. Almost all weddings were daytime weddings, (actually every single wedding I went to as a kid/teenager during the 60s and 70s) followed by a cake/punch/coffee thing, and then the crowd would head over to the parents of either bride and groom for extended visiting and party time. It was fun. And yes, the bride and groom would often leave early.

In the 80s, everyone started doing the evening wedding thing, along with our giant beach ball sized sleeves and big old Dynasty styled hair, and I haven't seen much of the at home after party since.

Post-reception reception? Alternate title: Is my FMIL making this up?

Re: Post-reception reception? Alternate title: Is my FMIL making this up?

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