Unasking a Groomsman; Advice?

Re: Unasking a Groomsman; Advice?

• insertusernamehere member

  

  May 2014

  Lady friend doesn't have to be at the altar with you. And who knows what the future will hold.
  
  Besides, she'll be a lost face in the crowd once everyone else is seated around her. Obviously this guy is important to your fiancé, so try to overlook his shallow "friend" for your fiancé's sake.

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• rajahmd member

  

  May 2014

  There is no unasking. And the only one who gets a say in the groom's side is the groom.
  
  Think about this way: if your FI is close enough to this guy, chances are high that he would want him invited regardless of whether or not he's in the wedding party. So either way, you're stuck with the girlfriend, as you are right that it's rude to invite him and not her.
  
  Keep in mind, all SO's should be invited, regardless of marital status, housing status, or length of relationship. If they consider themselves to be in a relationship prior to invites going out, then both parts of the couple should be invited.

  

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• phira member

  

  May 2014

  Belle52011 said:

  I find myself in a unique situation. My fiance asked a friend of his to be a groomsman without talking to me about it first. Ordinarily I wouldn't care, if it weren't for the groomsman's lady friend. This girl has long had issues with me. When my fiance told her he was dating me, she responded with "That big-nosed b*tch?!"
  
  I'm not one to hold grudges, but I just feel I don't want to stand at the altar on one of the happiest days of my life and turn to see the faces of people who can't stand me. I also think it would be rude to include him, but to exclude her, especially as they live together.
  
  Can anyone give me any suggestions here?
  

  I think you're stuck in this situation. It would be friendship-ending for your fiance to kick his groomsman out of the wedding party, especially since he'd be uninviting the groomsman from the wedding entirely.

  
  

  I think you should talk with your fiance about the situation specifically so you can discuss how to handle the girlfriend. Yes, it blows to have to invite and be nice to someone who says horrible things about you. Like, it really blows. But honestly, there's no way around this.

  
  

  I don't think that your fiance should have had to ask about asking this man to be his groomsman. Truth is, you'd be having this problem anyway; I assume that if this man was close enough to your fiance to be asked to join the wedding party, he's a close enough friend that he'd definitely be invited to the wedding.

  
  

  Come up with a game plan. Are groomsmen's partners going to be invited to any pre-wedding parties? Then don't invite her either. Plan on saying hi, thanks for coming, when you see her, and then ignore her the rest of the time.

  
  

  I'm stuck in a similar situation, except that the person who's horrible to me is married to the groomsman and the groomsman is the best man and the best man is the brother of the groom.

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  May 2014

  Whom your FI asked to be his GM is none of your concern. Whether you like the GM's lady friend is irrelevant.
  
  Him being a GM means nothing more than he's a GM. His lady friend will be a guest and nothing more.
  
  I'm not sure why you think you're going to have to see her face for more than 10 seconds in the receiving line, but you won't.
  
  Also, yes, you have to include her because she's his SO. But you'll she see her for 10 seconds and nothing more.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

  Report4 Reply
• QueerFemme member

  

  May 2014

  Your fiance gets to ask who he wants. You don't get a say. And certainly not because you don't like his girlfriend.

  

  Websites/blogs where our wedding has been featured:

  http://www.dapperq.com/2013/11/a-very-dapper-wedding/
  

  http://www.onabicyclebuiltfortwo.com/2013/10/wedding-christina-g.html
  

  http://4realequalityweddings.com/2014/05/16/g-christina/
  

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• Belle52011 member

  

  May 2014

  It's not that I think I have all of the control; I want to say that. It's that we sat and discussed it together, set a party size, and he asked another person after we set the details. It caught me off guard.
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  May 2014

  Belle52011 said:

  It's not that I think I have all of the control; I want to say that. It's that we sat and discussed it together, set a party size, and he asked another person after we set the details. It caught me off guard.
  

  This is still irrelevant. Sides don't have to be even.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• phira member

  

  May 2014

  Belle52011 said:

  It's not that I think I have all of the control; I want to say that. It's that we sat and discussed it together, set a party size, and he asked another person after we set the details. It caught me off guard.
  

  Worth mentioning that I wouldn't read too much into tone from other posters. We get that it caught you off-guard, but honestly, the situation isn't any different.

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• singinchick13 member

  

  May 2014

  You don't have to include this woman in the wedding party, but you do have to invite her. You won't have to look at her for more than 10 seconds literally, the day will go by so fast you won't even notice her.

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• Jen4948 member

  

  May 2014

  The groomsman can't be unasked or invited without this woman, but you don't have to include her in the wedding party.  Although you do have to invite her, all you owe her is basic politeness and you can have her escorted out if the situation requires it.
  

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• CMGragain member

  

  May 2014

  Your situation is not "unique" at all.  Lots of people have wedding party members who have S/Os that are disliked.
  Suck it up.  It is not your job to choose the groom's side.  If you make trouble about this, you will only be proving to people that the obnoxiously rude girlfriend was right about you!
  

  

  Report8 Reply
• phira member

  

  May 2014

  Oh, also, consider that this lovely lady will have to deal with her boyfriend spending lots of time and energy on your wedding, and then she'll have to spend an entire day celebrating your marriage.

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• Bubblegum5586 member

  

  May 2014

  I had a few people at my wedding who I was on awful terms with. It sucked because I can see their scowls at me in my own wedding video, but I had so much fun that night it completely over shadowed any negativity that may have been out there,

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  May 2014

  Jen4948 said:

  The groomsman can't be unasked or invited without this woman, but you don't have to include her in the wedding party.  Although you do have to invite her, all you owe her is basic politeness and you can have her escorted out if the situation requires it.
  

  Yep, you have to invite her, but you don't really have to interact with her at all.  When you and your husband are doing table visits just let him thank his GM and his GF for coming and all you need to do is force a smile, shake their hands, and say thanks.  Then walk away.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• RebeccaFlower member

  

  May 2014

  What exactly about this situation makes you think you're unique? 

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• STARMOON44 member

  

  May 2014

  If you uninvite a groomsman, you will be proving to her that you suck.

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• VulgarGirl member

  

  May 2014

  Part of being a grown up means dealing with shitty people without throat punching them. Now its time for you to practice that skill.

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• aurianna member

  

  May 2014 edited May 2014

  This won't be a problem; don't worry.
  Sides don't have to be even and he doesn't need to clear his nearest and dearest with you, so no worries there.
  
  (ETA: When I say "ignore" I mean don't worry about her. Just be cordial and dismiss quickly)
  
  This is how it will be:
  Any showers / b-parties anyone offers to throw you: You are not obligated to invite this woman, and odds are she wouldn't even come if you did invite her.
  
  Rehearsal:
  If she even comes to this, you'll be rehearsing. Ignore her.
  
  Rehearsal dinner:
  You will have to invite her to this, but you don't need to sit by her or talk to her more than a greeting. Ignore her.
  
  Ceremony:
  You'll be focused on your husband. I can hardly remember looking at anyone else on the day other than my husband. I don't remember disapproving faces of anyone. And if you're doing traditional friends of bride / groom side... maybe just keep your eyes trained on the bride's side when you exit.
  
  Pictures:
  You do not need to include her in this.
  
  Reception:
  If you didn't do a receiving line, this is the only place you need to talk to her. Just a "thanks for coming." Then move on.
  For seating I suggest one of the following:
  

  • Sweetheart Table: Just you and hubby
  • King's Table: You, hubby, MOH, her SO, BM, his SO (assuming this new groomsman isn't the BM)
  • Family table: You and hubby sit with your parents
  • Specifically organized head table: You and FI in the middle, with all of your bridal party seated with their SOs, but this couple far enough away from you where you wouldn't really be able to speak with her.
    

  I would just avoid a headtable where you end up close to her, or a head table where you don't let the SOs sit with your bridal party (because this is rude and it would give the girl yet another reason to be pissy, which from the sounds of it, you don't need to)
  
  
  It will be fine; no worries. One sour girl isn't going to spoil your day. And not to wish ill will on them or anything, but it's totally possible they won't even be together by then. It would be awful to burn the bridge with the groomsman over nothing.
  

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• crunchymamaof2 member

  

  May 2014

  I don't understand this concept of choosing numbers of people per side. So if one has 4 super super close friends and family and the other only has 2 the first has to skip two important people just for even sides.why not just write down who each person wants, see if you can afford that many WP members and go from there. This "I can have 3 and you can have 3" just seems odd to me. Like you're talking about objects, not people.

  After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

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• Inkdancer member

  

  May 2014

  crunchymamaof2 said:

  I don't understand this concept of choosing numbers of people per side. So if one has 4 super super close friends and family and the other only has 2 the first has to skip two important people just for even sides.why not just write down who each person wants, see if you can afford that many WP members and go from there. This "I can have 3 and you can have 3" just seems odd to me. Like you're talking about objects, not people.

  I was going to say it was like sharing cookies but then I remembered that I don't share cookies.
  

  

  

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• tammym1001 member

  

  May 2014

  MagicInk said:

  Part of being a grown up means dealing with shitty people without throat punching them. Now its time for you to practice that skill.

  Without throat punching them? Damn, I messed that up. Ok repeat to self "Do not throat punch shitty people, do not throat punch shitty people". 

  
  

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• VulgarGirl member

  

  May 2014

  tammym1001 said:

  MagicInk said:

  Part of being a grown up means dealing with shitty people without throat punching them. Now its time for you to practice that skill.

  Without throat punching them? Damn, I messed that up. Ok repeat to self "Do not throat punch shitty people, do not throat punch shitty people". 

  It's one of the harder parts of being a grown up. Some people really deserve a throat punch.

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  May 2014

  Bathroom phone call lady deserved a throat punch.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  May 2014

  Nothing like proving you are NOT a "big nose bitch" like kicking out a groomsmen because of his girlfriend. Groomsmen might not agree with his GF's assessment of you now, but might if you kick him out.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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