Etiquette Question

Rach8637 · May 2014

I am in my friend's wedding, which is taking place over a holiday weekend. It is not an extremely small wedding, but they are enacting the rule that only married guests are allowed significant others. Problem being, as far as the wedding party is concerned, this rule only applies to me, and she contacted me specifically to make me aware of it so I wasn't surprised. I am traveling for the wedding, so this means that I will be paying for a hotel room alone. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years, live together, and he has told this friend that he plans to propose to me within the next year. I believe this is rude and singles me out (literally). I understand that they need to save money, but as part of the bridal party, I'm a little offended. Thoughts?

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

Rach8637 said:

I am in my friend's wedding, which is taking place over a holiday weekend. It is not an extremely small wedding, but they are enacting the rule that only married guests are allowed significant others. Problem being, as far as the wedding party is concerned, this rule only applies to me, and she contacted me specifically to make me aware of it so I wasn't surprised. I am traveling for the wedding, so this means that I will be paying for a hotel room alone. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years, live together, and he has told this friend that he plans to propose to me within the next year. I believe this is rude and singles me out (literally). I understand that they need to save money, but as part of the bridal party, I'm a little offended. Thoughts?

There is an entire thread about this on E right now. (Although it's currently at 32 pages, so you'd be forgiven for not wanting to read it.)

You should be a lot offended. Not only as a member of the WP (who typically get special privileges when it comes to dates at weddings) but also just on behalf of your SO.

Think of it this way -- on the day your friends are making a commitment to each other and asking you to honour their relationship, they are refusing to honour yours. What kind of friends are they?

None of us can tell you what you should do, but if it were me and any of my friends had disrespected my SO like that, I'd pick my SO over the friends any day, and I'd tell my friends WHY I was doing so.

HaileyDancingbear · May 2014

I think that is the etiquette fail that I hate most. It's a friggin wedding. It's a celebration of love. You are expected to support her relationship. And according to this little decision, your relationship is not valid enough to even warrant an invite. That's just hypocritical. "Be happy that I'm in love and with my FI but IDGAF if you're in love and want to be with your SO."

Weddings are lovey-dovey as all hell, of course everyone wants to bring their SO!

It's completely understandable for you to be offended. It's up to you what to do about it, I personally would want to step down, and maybe not attend, but that's just me, I wouldn't want to go anywhere FI wasn't welcome.

QueerFemme · May 2014

Your friend is a jerk.

climbingsingle · May 2014

You are completely right to be offended. What she's doing is extremely rude.

Bubblegum5586 · May 2014

I agree with PPs- this is my #1 etiquette fail, it infuriates me more then any cash bar, honeymoon fund or gap.

MyNameIsNot · May 2014

This is incredibly rude. You should be offended and hurt. This is a slap in the face to both you and your relationship.

Personally, I would not attend if my s/o was disregarded like this. I would probably decline the invite and honestly tell her that I couldn't justify spending the money and vacation time to travel to an event where my s/o isn't welcome.

Don't worry about standing up to her. She'll be getting plenty of declines from people who also won't stand for this sort of rudeness.

OnceUponAVine · May 2014

I think HisGirlFriday said it best:
"Think of it this way -- on the day your friends are making a commitment to each other and asking you to honour their relationship, they are refusing to honour yours. What kind of friends are they?"

I would absolutely decline an invitation to a wedding where my significant other was not invited. And when asked "Why?!" by the bridge and groom I would tell them that I can't stand up with them and watch them make a lifelong commitment to each other when they were so disrespectful of your relationship.

delujm0 · May 2014

Ask her to reconsider in a non-confrontational way. If she refuses to allow it, decline to be involved. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that, regardless of what her reasoning was for the slight (i assume the reason was financial. it's called a budget, people. use it.)

Emmy1493 · May 2014

Your friend is a jerk.

SITB:

I agree. If my so called "Friend" wants me to pay to travel and BE IN her damn wedding, she better recognize that my relationship is just as every bit important as hers. I would not want to travel all that way alone. I would seriously talk to this girl, and if she is going to be selfish, this might be extreme to some, but I would consider not going. More so if you have not purchase your tickets, etc.

jneen101 · May 2014

Your friend is a dumb asshole.

Jen4948 · May 2014

Your friend is being a jerk to you. I'd step down from her WP.

banana468 · May 2014

I'd decline that in a hot second. My response would be something like, "Friend, I love you but I'm unable to stand up in your wedding in support of you and your relationship when you won't support me in my relationship. "

bananasplit472001 · May 2014

Huh? people in relationships should always get a plus one, especially the bridal party!! I would not go to her wedding, how selfish.

downtondiva · May 2014

Your boyfriend being excluded from the invite list shows a complete lack of respect for your relationship with him. I think it's worth having a discussion with your friend about how much this bothers you, especially since you are in the bridal party. If she still won't include him, I think you have to seriously consider stepping down from being a bridesmaid, and probably not even going to the wedding at all.

AddieCake · May 2014

I would not be in the bridal party or attending this wedding if this happened to me.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

I would discuss it with her as it is offensive and then consider if you still want to be a part of it or step down.

VesperLove · May 2014

If it were me? I'd step down from being a bridesmaid and probably not attend the wedding.

How amazingly rude.

I COMPLETELY understand her reasoning behind the "only married people bring guests" rule ... weddings are expensive. Inviting someone and them bringing a guest you don't know, just so they can have someone there with them is not worth the cost in my opinion.

HOWEVER, you're a bridesmaid. You've been with your SO for three years. You live together. He is as permanent in your life as her fiance is in hers (even if you don't have a ring yet). For her to contact you directly and make sure you know he is not allowed to come means that she finds you good enough to pay for a dress, shoes, bachelorette, and stand with her on her day, but not to spend a few bucks on your OBVIOUSLY IMPORTANT SO.

Seriously, I'd be incredibly offended. You need to talk to her.

Maggie0829 · May 2014

kyleneum13 said:

If it were me? I'd step down from being a bridesmaid and probably not attend the wedding.

How amazingly rude.

I COMPLETELY understand her reasoning behind the "only married people bring guests" rule ... weddings are expensive. Inviting someone and them bringing a guest you don't know, just so they can have someone there with them is not worth the cost in my opinion.

HOWEVER, you're a bridesmaid. You've been with your SO for three years. You live together. He is as permanent in your life as her fiance is in hers (even if you don't have a ring yet). For her to contact you directly and make sure you know he is not allowed to come means that she finds you good enough to pay for a dress, shoes, bachelorette, and stand with her on her day, but not to spend a few bucks on your OBVIOUSLY IMPORTANT SO.

Seriously, I'd be incredibly offended. You need to talk to her.

Seriously? Any person, not just married couples, should be invited with their SO regardless of whether the couple knows the SO and how long they have been together. Now not extending a plus one to a truly single person is 100% fine, but if the wedding were a destination for that guest then I would make an exception.

Yes, what this bride did to her friend was incredibly rude and offensive but it would be just as rude and offensive if this person was just a regular guest and not in the wedding party.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

kyleneum13 said:
If it were me? I'd step down from being a bridesmaid and probably not attend the wedding.

How amazingly rude.

I COMPLETELY understand her reasoning behind the "only married people bring guests" rule ... weddings are expensive. Inviting someone and them bringing a guest you don't know, just so they can have someone there with them is not worth the cost in my opinion.

HOWEVER, you're a bridesmaid. You've been with your SO for three years. You live together. He is as permanent in your life as her fiance is in hers (even if you don't have a ring yet). For her to contact you directly and make sure you know he is not allowed to come means that she finds you good enough to pay for a dress, shoes, bachelorette, and stand with her on her day, but not to spend a few bucks on your OBVIOUSLY IMPORTANT SO.

Seriously, I'd be incredibly offended. You need to talk to her.

You're half right. The OP's friend is rude for not inviting the OP's FI. But all SOs get invited, period.

Alyssa18o6 · June 2014

This was the ENITRE reason we were open to significant others. My MO is flying in from another state, and I knew her BF would be coming alone so she didn't have to travel alone. I would of felt horrible if I excluded him after him traveling all that way. That was the deciding factor alone for me!

Knope2014 · June 2014

If anyone, even family, told me that I couldn't bring Fi to their wedding, I wouldn't go. This is the person who has been through good/bad/ugly and still looks at my crazy ass every morning. Your friends, usually, see far more good than bad and only deal with you when they want to.