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Customs and Traditions

Asking for permission

So my finace asked me to marry him last July (:D) only thing was when I finally told my parents about it (it was a few months after) they got upset because he didn't ask for my hand. Now the reason why we waited to tell my parents was because I had actually told my mom first, my dad was going through some financial problems under alot of stress so she said to wait to tell him. And then like I said when I did tell them they both were very upset that he didn't ask. My fiance thinks he shouldn't have to because he's marrying me not my parents. He has agreed to do it though for the sake of me and my family. And now almost every time I try to bring up the wedding with my parents it's like they aren't listening, they don't care, I'm still a college student so they think I should wait until after I graduate to plan and get married (which in a way I am). Also I've tried to talk to my mom about it and whenever it's just me and her talking about it she agrees with me and apologizes so on and so forth but when she's with my dad and I try she acts like it's so wrong and things like that just negative. Can I have some help please? How I am supposed to convince my parents to take my engagment seriously? Would my finace actually asking help?

Re: Asking for permission

  • So my finace asked me to marry him last July (:D) only thing was when I finally told my parents about it (it was a few months after) they got upset because he didn't ask for my hand. Now the reason why we waited to tell my parents was because I had actually told my mom first, my dad was going through some financial problems under alot of stress so she said to wait to tell him. And then like I said when I did tell them they both were very upset that he didn't ask. My fiance thinks he shouldn't have to because he's marrying me not my parents. He has agreed to do it though for the sake of me and my family. And now almost every time I try to bring up the wedding with my parents it's like they aren't listening, they don't care, I'm still a college student so they think I should wait until after I graduate to plan and get married (which in a way I am). Also I've tried to talk to my mom about it and whenever it's just me and her talking about it she agrees with me and apologizes so on and so forth but when she's with my dad and I try she acts like it's so wrong and things like that just negative. Can I have some help please? How I am supposed to convince my parents to take my engagment seriously? Would my finace actually asking help?
    They're going to take it as seriously as you take it. By waiting for several months to tell them, you showed them that you're unsure of this, or embarrassed, or you thought they'd disapprove, or whatever.

    Being an adult means making adult decisions and living with those consequences. Your FI did not have to ask your parents for permission to marry you (my DH did not ask my father), but you two need to own that decision together.

    I'm not sure why your father's financial difficulties caused you to delay telling them, unless you're expecting them to pay for your wedding. If you are, get rid of that expectation right now.

    If you're still in college, you and your FI need to wait and plan the wedding you two alone can afford to pay for. If that means something small now, so be it. If that means waiting several years until you have money saved up and are financially stable, then so be it.

    But if you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to plan and pay for your wedding yourselves. 

    If you want your parents to take this engagement seriously, then show them you're serious by planning it and paying for it, by yourselves.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I don't know if your FI actually asking would help, but I don't think it could make things worse unless they say no.

    I'd just drop the subject until after you graduate.  But I agree that you shouldn't need their permission to get married because you are a legal adult and can decide for yourself.  But if they're still hostile after your graduation, that's the time to set boundaries: "Mom, Dad, I'm sorry that he didn't ask you for my hand, but it is my hand, not yours, to award in marriage as I am an adult.  It's time to drop this subject.  Please consider it permanently closed."
  • I think the "asking for her hand" tradition is one of those things that is sort of hard to feel out because it shows respect for the family, but at the same time it's 2014, not the '50's anymore. It depends on your family and the relationship you have with them, as well as the relationship your FI has with your family.

    For example: My younger sister's FI asked our dad for her hand, but the relationship is great between mom, dad, sister (still lives with them at 25 with no job and doesn't go to school), and her FI (working on a degree in computer tech while working for the college IT dept). Either way my sister "needs" someone and will have what she "needs" provided to her. Which is how my family believes things should be. My FI did not ask, but my relationship with my family is not great for many reasons, the main one is that I'm very independent and have done things for myself since I was old enough to have a job and moved out when I was 19. I am currently working and going to school for nursing full time. My FI is working on an engineering degree while working full time. My family sees my independence and partnership with FI as disrespectful because I don't "need" them anymore.

    HisGirlFriday13
  • My fiance and I are planning on paying for the wedding and the reason why I waited to tell my father was because my mom and I thought that he would have assumed to pay for the wedding and that would have added more stress on to him because, to be more clear, he lost his job and I just started at a 4 year private university I'm a transfer student. I always knew that I was gonna pay for the wedding but for the sake of my dad's health I didn't want to tell him right away. But thanks so much for the responses, I should hold off on saying anything until after graduation.
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Well, I think you made a big mistake in waiting to tell them. That's probably added to some of the hurt feelings. But, there's nothing you can do about it now. 

    Will your FI asking help the situation? I mean, how can any of us really answer that? We don't know your parents. Maybe he'll ask their permission and they still won't take your engagement seriously. 

    However, him asking now probably won't make things any worse. 

  • Nikita2013 said:  So my finace asked me to marry him last July (:D) only thing was when I finally told my parents about it (it was a few months after) they got upset because he didn't ask for my hand. Now the reason why we waited to tell my parents was because I had actually told my mom first, my dad was going through some financial problems under alot of stress so she said to wait to tell him. And then like I said when I did tell them they both were very upset that he didn't ask. My fiance thinks he shouldn't have to because he's marrying me not my parents. He has agreed to do it though for the sake of me and my family. And now almost every time I try to bring up the wedding with my parents it's like they aren't listening, they don't care, I'm still a college student so they think I should wait until after I graduate to plan and get married (which in a way I am). Also I've tried to talk to my mom about it and whenever it's just me and her talking about it she agrees with me and apologizes so on and so forth but when she's with my dad and I try she acts like it's so wrong and things like that just negative. Can I have some help please? How I am supposed to convince my parents to take my engagment seriously? Would my finace actually asking help?

    I think the bigger problem is your mom.

    You told your mom about your engagement.  She is the one who decided telling your dad was not a good idea and to wait.  I would also defer to my mom's judgment on matters where she thinks my dad's health would be impacted.  Now that you have told him, she wants to act like she had no idea about the engagement either and is on his side.  THAT is the part that wouldn't fly with me.

    She made a decision about keeping something from her husband and needs to stand by that.  She should admit she knew, that waiting to share the news was her idea, and that she agrees that asking for his permission in this day and age is not required and he needs to get over it.  

    You should tell your dad that asking permission means nothing because you would be marrying your FI whether your dad gave his "permission" or not.  This is something he just needs to get over.

    If you aren't planning on getting married until after graduation anyway, then let the wedding planning and discussion drop for now.  BUT your mom needs to come clean to your dad about her knowledge beforehand.
    [Deleted User]
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Honestly, I hate the asking her dad/parents for permission thing.  You two are adults and can make adult decisions; it isn't like you are your parents' property.  But, I don't understand why you kept the engagement a secret for months.  I wanted to tell my loved ones right away.  
    image
    Ven&RadioMollyandD
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