Fiance's Sister as Bridesmaid?

[Deleted User] · May 2014

My fiance is not very close with his younger sister, and I do not know her very well, however since she will be my future sister-in-law, I feel like it's right to ask her to be a bridesmaid. I rarely see her in person and I don't have her number. I'm not exactly sure how to ask her. Any ideas? Should I still ask her even if we're not close?

KeptInStitches · May 2014

I wouldn't ask her if you're not close. Your BMs should be your nearest and dearest.

OliveOilsMom · May 2014

CapsBN92 said:

My fiance is not very close with his younger sister, and I do not know her very well, however since she will be my future sister-in-law, I feel like it's right to ask her to be a bridesmaid. I rarely see her in person and I don't have her number. I'm not exactly sure how to ask her. Any ideas? Should I still ask her even if we're not close?

I wouldn't ask her if you are not close. You will see lots of threads on brides having issues with BMs that they are not close to. Instead, you could ask her to do a reading at the wedding. Or just get her (and any other siblings) a corsage to wear on the day of the wedding, that will help her stand out as someone special.

AddieCake · May 2014

Another vote not to ask her. It sounds like you barely know her.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

Family is super important to both me and my fiance. I'm not going to not invite her just cause we don't know each other well. She is in college and has little time to see us anyway. I'm hoping this will make us closer if she says yes. My main issue is that I don't know how to ask her since I rarely see her.

KGold80 · May 2014

CapsBN92 said:

Family is super important to both me and my fiance. I'm not going to not invite her just cause we don't know each other well. She is in college and has little time to see us anyway. I'm hoping this will make us closer if she says yes. My main issue is that I don't know how to ask her since I rarely see her.

If she has little time to see you because she's in college, do you think she's going to carve out time to go dress shopping and stuff like that?

chibiyui · May 2014

You have the rest of your life to get to know her better. Don't force it before the wedding.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

My favorite wedding experience was being a reader at my second-cousin's wedding. I got to go to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, got to hang out with family, got a position of honor at the wedding ceremony, and got to just enjoy the reception all without having to buy a matching dress. You don't have to have her as a bridesmaid to include her in stuff. Include her on the guest list to any showers thrown in your honor. Be sure she's invited to a bachelorette party if you have one. Ask her if she wants to join you and your bridesmaids in mani/pedi/hair/makeup festivities. But she doesn't have to be a bridesmaid for this to happen. You guys can get closer without the stress of having someone you don't know as your bridesmaid.

manateehugger · May 2014

chibiyui said:

You have the rest of your life to get to know her better. Don't force it before the wedding.

THIS. Speaking from experience, there is nothing more awkward than feeling like you're supposed to serve in a ceremonial role typically reserved for the bride's nearest and dearest when you don't consider yourself close friends with her. It won't necessarily bring you closer; it will make for awkwardness.

I'd ask her to be a reader if you want to include her in the ceremony. Still important ceremonial role, way less commitment and awkwardness.

lizzaford · May 2014

I am actually having a similar issue which I posted about today. My fiance is not close to his younger sister and one of my bridesmaids becoming pregnant will leave a gap in the WP. After a lot of thought and some good advice, I am strongly leaning toward not having his sister involved in the wedding. I have very close friends and family that I would so much rather see involved in the wedding and since my fiance has not made a strong point about having his sister involved, I think it's ok. I don't see her as a huge part of our lives after the wedding and my fiance is not close to her now, so at the risk of sounding cold, I think it's best to leave her out.

OliveOilsMom · May 2014

lizzaford said:

I am actually having a similar issue which I posted about today. My fiance is not close to his younger sister and one of my bridesmaids becoming pregnant will leave a gap in the WP. After a lot of thought and some good advice, I am strongly leaning toward not having his sister involved in the wedding. I have very close friends and family that I would so much rather see involved in the wedding and since my fiance has not made a strong point about having his sister involved, I think it's ok. I don't see her as a huge part of our lives after the wedding and my fiance is not close to her now, so at the risk of sounding cold, I think it's best to leave her out.

Don't replace a BM! It's even worse to replace a pregnant BM! Just because she has a bun in the oven, doesn't mean she can't perfrom her duties - which is buying the dress and showing up!

lizzaford · May 2014

To clarify- my friend will be over 8 months pregnant at the time of our wedding and cannot travel.

nurse4va · May 2014

I can understand the conundrum. My brother's fiancee did not ask me to stand in her wedding party, nor ask me to help her with her wedding dress, nothing, even though she and I had gotten closer when my Mom died, last year. It hurt my feelings a good deal, because I thought we'd gotten kind of close. It would have been one thing if she and I didn't know each other well, but that's not really the case, we've hung out and gotten to know each other for almost three years.

My advice would be to follow your heart and gut. If you feel that you can handle not asking her, and not feel guilty, then do not ask her. But if you feel it's the right thing to do, go ahead and ask her. If she turns you down, well, no harm and no foul, right?

[Deleted User] · May 2014

nurse4va said:

I can understand the conundrum. My brother's fiancee did not ask me to stand in her wedding party, nor ask me to help her with her wedding dress, nothing, even though she and I had gotten closer when my Mom died, last year. It hurt my feelings a good deal, because I thought we'd gotten kind of close. It would have been one thing if she and I didn't know each other well, but that's not really the case, we've hung out and gotten to know each other for almost three years.

My advice would be to follow your heart and gut. If you feel that you can handle not asking her, and not feel guilty, then do not ask her. But if you feel it's the right thing to do, go ahead and ask her. If she turns you down, well, no harm and no foul, right?

And here I got in trouble with my sister for not asking more questions about her wedding, her wedding dress selection, etc. In our case, she wanted me to be more involved, but I just don't care about details of other people's weddings. I'm not the girl that squeals and asks to see the engagement ring. I won't ask about your colors or how many bridesmaids you'll have. I think if you wanted to be more involved with your brother's wedding, you should have asked about it, mentioned that you want to hear details. My sister tried sharing, and I just drowned her out. People are different. I plan on doing my dress shopping alone and will not apologize if my mom or sister are hurt that I don't include them in these things, but we don't have the same taste in clothes and I don't need their help to dress myself.

zitiqueen · May 2014

CapsBN92 said:

Family is super important to both me and my fiance. I'm not going to not invite her just cause we don't know each other well. She is in college and has little time to see us anyway. I'm hoping this will make us closer if she says yes. My main issue is that I don't know how to ask her since I rarely see her.

If family is super important to both you and your FI, why isn't he asking her to stand up on his side? Why is it your responsibility? And if family is as super important to him as you claim, why isn't he close to his sister? Why isn't he making the effort?

chasingsunlight · May 2014

I'm going to go against the majority here...

I am not close to my FI's sister because she has been away at college for our entire relationship. He has a good relationship with her, though, and it was very important to him that she be in our wedding party. Likewise, I have a younger brother who is also in college and who is painfully shy. My family would have been hurt if he were not included in my wedding, though. So, we each have the other's sibling in our parties.

I am 100% okay with his sister not being able to help with certain aspects of the planning because she is far away, just like my FI is okay with my brother potentially not being comfortable to attend the bachelor party. We both have other friends involved and it's no added burden to include each other's siblings.

What is important to both of us is showing our future children our wedding pictures and having them see their aunts / uncles standing up beside us. It is also important to our families and to us that we honor our siblings. If family is important to you both, or it will cause a stink with relatives who notice an absent sibling, I say you should include them.

Jen4948 · May 2014

chasingsunlight said:

I'm going to go against the majority here...

I am not close to my FI's sister because she has been away at college for our entire relationship. He has a good relationship with her, though, and it was very important to him that she be in our wedding party. Likewise, I have a younger brother who is also in college and who is painfully shy. My family would have been hurt if he were not included in my wedding, though. So, we each have the other's sibling in our parties.

I am 100% okay with his sister not being able to help with certain aspects of the planning because she is far away, just like my FI is okay with my brother potentially not being comfortable to attend the bachelor party. We both have other friends involved and it's no added burden to include each other's siblings.

What is important to both of us is showing our future children our wedding pictures and having them see their aunts / uncles standing up beside us. It is also important to our families and to us that we honor our siblings. If family is important to you both, or it will cause a stink with relatives who notice an absent sibling, I say you should include them.

The bolded is not a good reason to include siblings one is not close to. The relatives causing the stink are being rude. It's not up to anyone but the couple who is included in their wedding party. And if the siblings in question behave badly, they can't be asked to step down if they've been asked.

zitiqueen · May 2014

chasingsunlight said:

I'm going to go against the majority here...

I am not close to my FI's sister because she has been away at college for our entire relationship. He has a good relationship with her, though, and it was very important to him that she be in our wedding party. Likewise, I have a younger brother who is also in college and who is painfully shy. My family would have been hurt if he were not included in my wedding, though. So, we each have the other's sibling in our parties.

I am 100% okay with his sister not being able to help with certain aspects of the planning because she is far away, just like my FI is okay with my brother potentially not being comfortable to attend the bachelor party. We both have other friends involved and it's no added burden to include each other's siblings.

What is important to both of us is showing our future children our wedding pictures and having them see their aunts / uncles standing up beside us. It is also important to our families and to us that we honor our siblings. If family is important to you both, or it will cause a stink with relatives who notice an absent sibling, I say you should include them.

I would certainly hope so, being as none of those things are required of them.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

I really like this response. That's another thing. We've started to hang out a little bit and I would hate to leave her out of pictures and feeling like part of it.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

They are almost 6 years apart in age and he never really got close to the little girl that made him not an only child anymore. But I've actually been trying to get to know her a little. We went out on her birthday. She's super sweet so I'd love to have her feel involved

lilacck28 · June 2014

If you want her as a bridesmaid, and you are getting to know her, then ask her. She can still say no.

Fiance's Sister as Bridesmaid?

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