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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Feeling ambushed and maybe paranoid.

I am wracking my brain, why my FSIL would do this.  My FSIL is one of my BMs. My FI's family is not very organized, so planning something with them is difficult, at best.  My other FSIL is having a baby, and her baby shower is the week before my bridal shower.  I wanted to go in on a joint baby shower gift for pregger FSIL.  I called up all four of FI's sisters and asked them if it was something they wanted to do.  No one got back to me.  I have been at this for weeks, all the while managing to get a couple of answers about the baby shower we are hosting for FSIL.  I facebook message FSIL, asking about going in a gift for other FSIL.  She said, "The shower IS her gift!"  I typed, "Okay,"  and was done with that.  Then I see FI's younger sister, last night, and she tells me that sister (that told me the shower was the gift) was getting the baby a bookcase.  And the sister I saw last night is getting her a gift, as well. I don't know why the older sister would say that to me.  I feel like I am being ambushed. I would look like a fool when I was the only one not bringing a gift, and I thought it was weird to not get her something, anyway. I was torn all week about getting her something, anyway, but did not want to upstage the sisters.  And I did not want to get her nothing, because we are close family.  My new niece should have something special from her aunt. Why would someone tell me something and do something completely different?  What are your thoughts, ladies?

Re: Feeling ambushed and maybe paranoid.

  • I don't see why you'd feel ambushed. You weren't. Being ambushed would be when they all confront you at once about something, like spending a lot of money on a gift that you hadn't planned on. So I'm not sure if you picked the right word to use there.

    But, I fail to see how it's a big deal. We can't know why they did that, but just go get her a gift that you think she'll like and that you can afford. I agree it's weird, but NBD.
  • I have a lot of self-esteem issues, (was bullied a lot when I was younger), it always makes me question the motives of others, and if people really like me.  Thanks, I needed that. Sometimes, I get wrapped up in my own issues that I make something out of nothing.  I always need a third party to tell me if something is a non-issue or if they would be peeved, too. I appreciate the perspective and I will try to tone it down and stress less.
  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    It would be nice if people would get back to you, and if they'd just be honest about not wanting to go in with you on a gift. But there's no reason you can't just get a gift to give on your own.
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  • My guess is that she said the same thing to her mom or the other sister and they pointed out that she should still give an actual gift in addition to the shower. She then decided on the bookshelf bc life is busy.

    Don't worry or dwell on it, just go buy a gift you can afford on your own. Some people don't like buying group gift and prefer to get their own individual presents.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • a13049a13049 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I agree with PP, no ambushing.  Maybe they were just trying to avoid telling you they didn't want to do a combined gift, for whatever reason. I probably would go in on a combined gift for my cousins and some friends and such.  When it comes to my sisters or my bff I usually splurge a little more and probably wouldn't want to do a combined gift.  Maybe she wasn't planning on getting a gift, and then worried that if everyone else was gettng a gift she would be the odd duck and decided on the book case.  Don't worry about  it.  
  • Thanks, ladies.  I only wanted to go in on a gift because I thought that would be the only way she would be able to get her car seat and stroller was if the sisters chipped in for it.  I was only trying to help them out.  But if they did not want to go in on a gift, that was perfectly fine. I have another gift I wanted to get them, if they didn't want to go in on a gift.
  • mysticlmysticl member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Thanks, ladies.  I only wanted to go in on a gift because I thought that would be the only way she would be able to get her car seat and stroller was if the sisters chipped in for it.  I was only trying to help them out.  But if they did not want to go in on a gift, that was perfectly fine. I have another gift I wanted to get them, if they didn't want to go in on a gift.
    Then she will just have to buy it herself.  She may not have even expected people to buy that for them because it is pricy.  She may have put it on the registry to get the completion discount.  

    Like other said don't worry about what the rest of the sisters are doing.  I agree with the person who figures someone in the family told the one that the shower shouldn't be the only gift so she just randomly picked something.  Buy something you can afford that will be useful.  
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    If it helps at all, I bought my brother and ex-sister-in-law a stand mixer for their wedding because my sister agreed to go halfsies. Every time she and I talked after I purchased it, she made some excuse or another about why she could only pay $X instead of half, and then $Y instead of $X, until she basically said, "Well, I bought them a cake cookbook, so that'll be my financial contribution." So it's like, great, you paid $15 and got thanked for the $300 stand mixer.

    Since then, I only go halfsies with my partner, or if the other person pays up front and I pay them back.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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