Wedding/Marriage HELP

jeannie2089 · May 2014

I am 24 years old and me and my fiancé have been together for 4years now, and last November he proposed. He is in the military and deploying in July ): which is vastly approaching. We wanted to get married now, but do not have enough time to plan and have our dream wedding. Is it normal to have an actual court house marriage before a big ceremony and reception? I think that's what were headed towards but it sounds so weird to me, help? Were thinking of having the initial celebration and ceremony a few months after he comes back home to us. He will be gone for a whole year. Ideas? Thoughts? Similar situations?

I want to have this clearly thought out before I start to set a date that im paying so much money for. We know where we want to have it.. just a little bad timing right now.

CMGragain · May 2014

No. You get one wedding. Many brides wait until they are able to have the wedding of their dreams. Others decide that it is more important to be married sooner, and they arrange a wedding that they can be satisfied with. A courthouse ceremony is just as much a wedding as a huge blowout wedding with all the frills. You don't get both. You are the only one who can decide which is best for you.

Your REAL wedding is the ceremony in which you become legally married. To have a meaningless ceremony at a future date after you are already married is insulting to all the courthouse brides who cherish the memory of their wedding day. It is also greedy to expect your friends and relatives to come to watch you parade around in a fake wedding dress when you are a married woman.

I planned my own church wedding in two months. I bought a dress off the rack, scheduled the church, asked my sister to stand up with me as MOH, and had a simple cake and punch reception. If you are religious, you might try this.

My sister had her wedding in a city park pavillion. They had a pig roast, with cole slaw and potato salad from the grocery store, and had a cooler of beer and sodas. The cake was a decorated sheet cake from the grocery store. The kids ran around the park and had a blast. It was a lovely wedding.

Most of the women in my family eloped, and had a private ceremony in a romantic place - or in a courthouse.

Miss Manners says this about weddings ; "When you had that childhood wedding fantasy, you were a child. If you don't have better taste and a greater sense of social and fiscal responsibility now, you're too immature to get married." It is really hard when all the bridal magazines and wedding TV are geared to convince you that you need to spend a lot of money to have a lovely wedding! It isn't so!

Just plan the wedding that you need. If you have to wait, then so be it. To have a fake, re-do, pretty princess day is just tacky.

CMGragain · May 2014

jeannie2089 said:

I am 24 years old and me and my fiancé have been together for 4years now, and last November he proposed. He is in the military and deploying in July ): which is vastly approaching. We wanted to get married now, but do not have enough time to plan and have our dream wedding. Is it normal to have an actual court house marriage before a big ceremony and reception? I think that's what were headed towards but it sounds so weird to me, help? Were thinking of having the initial celebration and ceremony a few months after he comes back home to us. He will be gone for a whole year. Ideas? Thoughts? Similar situations?
I want to have this clearly thought out before I start to set a date that im paying so much money for. We know where we want to have it.. just a little bad timing right now.

Just an additional thought. It would be fine for you to have a small wedding and reception ASAP, and then have a kick-ass welcome home party for your husband when he returns from his tour of duty. As long as you don't try to turn it into a re-do wedding, that would be fine. You could have the dancing, open bar, dinner, toasts to his return - it would be a wonderful way to celebrate both your earlier marriage and his return. Just don't try to pretend that you are a bride, when you have been married already.

jeannie2089 · May 2014

Unfortunately, we literally have little to no time now to even see each other. Being that he is vital to his soldiers and too important to miss anything going on in preparation. Perhaps ill wait.. im not settling for something I'm not going to be happy with down the road. Nor will our loved ones that we both want to attend be able to on such short notice.

QueerFemme · May 2014

jeannie2089 said:
Unfortunately, we literally have little to no time now to even see each other. Being that he is vital to his soldiers and too important to miss anything going on in preparation. Perhaps ill wait.. im not settling for something I'm not going to be happy with down the road. Nor will our loved ones that we both want to attend be able to on such short notice.

If you have no time to see each other how were you planning to get married before he deploys? That doesn't really change my answer to your overall question, I was just curious.

CMGragain is right. You get one wedding. You just have to decide if being married now or having the big wedding with the white dress, etc. Is a bigger priority.

Some people do have a court house ceremony and get married and have a do-over later, but it violates all sorts of etiquette rules and will be side-eyed. There is no reason to have a re-do ceremony if you are already married.

I encourage you to read the sticky on the etiquette board that talks about this issue.

Jen4948 · May 2014

Having a do-over later because you don't consider your courthouse marriage to be "wedding" enough for you is insulting to everyone else who did not get the marriage of their dreams.

That would include my parents as well as my maternal grandparents, who both married during wartimes: My grandfather was serving in World War II, and my father served during the Vietnam War. In my parents' case, my father was stationed in Wichita Falls, TX, but both he and my mother were from NYC. He could not get leave to come back to NYC to marry my mother, so she, both sets of parents, and their sisters and their husbands came to Texas for a small, intimate wedding. They just celebrated their 45th anniversary.

doeydo · May 2014

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/996776/legally-married-now-having-a-real-wedding-stop-here-first-aka-the-ppd-faq-thread/p1

You get one wedding. That is on the day you and your FI become husband and wife.

climbingsingle · May 2014

If having your "dream wedding" is important to both your and your FI, then wait until he returns. Don't get married at the courthouse and then a fake do-over.

artbyallie · May 2014

Honestly, many military brides also advise not getting married until after the first deployment anyway, to make absolutely certain you're going to be okay with the lifestyle necessary to being a military wife. I know for damn sure I couldn't do it, so it's a good thing my H isn't in service.

mysticl · May 2014

You will find military couples that have done what you are talking about. You will also find people in our community (I'm a Navy wife) who abhor it. Some will even call it fraudulent because they have the courthouse wedding so they can enter the spouse in DEERS to start collecting married BAH, family separation pay, and get the spouse on Tricare. Yet they claim the courthouse wedding wasn't "real". If their wedding wasn't real then they shouldn't be collecting those very real benefits at the expense of the taxpayers. There is a huge thread on this over on the Military Brides board.

We did marry before my husband deployed. But we had been through shorter separations when he was on training missions. We are also older so there is a pretty good chance that was the last deployment of my husband's career. But it's the Military so there are no guarantees.

Just a word of advice. You shouldn't post when he is deploying or returning unless the military has already issued a public statement with that information. Deployments have been extended because of what loved ones posted on Facebook.

princessleia22 · May 2014

You have to decided which is more important: getting married before deployment or having your dream wedding. It sounds like both isn't an option, so you have to choose. If you choose to do small wedding now, you could do like CMGragain said and throw a big party upon his return, but it won't be a wedding and you won't be a bride. You could even do a vow renewal upon his return, to reinforce your vows after the long separation in front of your family, but make sure everyone knows that it is a renewal and not your actual wedding. Rent a venue, caterer, DJ, photographer, whatever and tell people to come celebrate your previous nuptials and his safe return.

Getting legally married then saying that wedding doesn't really count, because you didn't get a big party with it, really does hurt the whole idea of marriage. The "wedding" is the legally binding act where you say vows and sign the license. It doesn't have to have any party with it at all and it would still be a wedding. The day you make that legal contract, you are bride and groom. After that time, you are already Mr. & Mrs., so you shouldn't try to make people think otherwise. The big ceremony and reception, the big dress, the cake & alcohol, dancing, etc. is just a party to celebrate that event. And the celebration doesn't really have to be a huge event. I have 26 people coming to my wedding and it will be awesome. I love that it will be intimate and personal with the people I care most about.

But, everyone has different ideas about what is important to them for their wedding. If the big party is important to you, then wait. If getting married before deployment is important, then do a small ceremony with just very closest family/friends.

Viczaesar · May 2014

jeannie2089 said:

I am 24 years old and me and my fiancé have been together for 4years now, and last November he proposed. He is in the military and deploying in July ): which is vastly approaching. We wanted to get married now, but do not have enough time to plan and have our dream wedding. Is it normal to have an actual court house marriage before a big ceremony and reception? I think that's what were headed towards but it sounds so weird to me, help? Were thinking of having the initial celebration and ceremony a few months after he comes back home to us. He will be gone for a whole year. Ideas? Thoughts? Similar situations?
I want to have this clearly thought out before I start to set a date that im paying so much money for. We know where we want to have it.. just a little bad timing right now.

Vastly? You mean fastly, which is not actually a word? If so, the word you actually need is "quickly."

No, you can't get married before you get married. You can get married and have a non-wedding celebration later, but you don't get two ceremonies.

jeannie2089 · May 2014

These boards are full of ridiculous people who I think spend too much time gossiping, and worrying about who your going to criticize. And you just make up your own assumptions.. Like I am young and dumb. I was asking for advice from someone who has been in this situation, and what they chose to do. There is no RIGHT or WRONG way to be married. I don't care who my wedding insults because its OURS not YOURS. Nor are WE doing it for the wrong reasons like everyone is assuming. You just choose to attack everyone who's decisions are not up to your standard. Shame on you all.. this is supposed to be a support system, not a bullying board. This is why social media is the drama that it is..

Thank you nicoann for your comment. You were the only one who wasn't criticizing me.

JennyColada · May 2014

You got a lot of comments that weren't criticizing you, some even giving similar advice to @nicoann, so I'm not really sure why you have to get all uppity about it.

Personally, I REALLY care who my wedding insults, because I don't want my wedding to insult anyway. I'd be devastated if I found out that my parents or FSIL or FMIL were insulted by something that I did at my wedding. It's kind of sad that you do not feel the same, but oh well, have a fun day.

manateehugger · May 2014

jeannie2089 said:

These boards are full of ridiculous people who I think spend too much time gossiping, and worrying about who your going to criticize. And you just make up your own assumptions.. Like I am young and dumb. I was asking for advice from someone who has been in this situation, and what they chose to do. There is no RIGHT or WRONG way to be married. I don't care who my wedding insults because its OURS not YOURS. Nor are WE doing it for the wrong reasons like everyone is assuming. You just choose to attack everyone who's decisions are not up to your standard. Shame on you all.. this is supposed to be a support system, not a bullying board. This is why social media is the drama that it is..
Thank you nicoann for your comment. You were the only one who wasn't criticizing me.

RELAX. You posted an plan full of etiquette no-no's and people gave you plenty advice about the etiquette-appropriate decision.No one is bullying you; people are trying to tell you about the appropriate choices here. Yes, you can do what you want, but they are trying to give you options that will be more respectful to the institution of marriage and to the nature of your fiance's service (IMO).

You had a Navy wife give you her story and her advice as a military spouse. My fiance is in the Army. We made it through a deployment, and he proposed a few months after he came home (though I would say we were engaged before the proposal). FWIW, I'm glad we waited instead of rushing to get the marriage thing done. We had time to breathe and process our relationship, and I had time to understand what being a military spouse can mean.

You're right - there is no right or wrong way to be married. However, in the United States there is only one way to be married - and that's to enter into a legal binding commitment to another person. You can enter into that commitment any way you want, but once it's done, there's no way to have another wedding unless you divorce.

Can I ask what reasons are causing you to consider going the JOP route? I will say, I'm in the boat that considers military PPD's to collect benefits as a form of fraud.

ETA: Also, just a note, read up on OPSEC and PERSEC before posting about deployments and what not.

chibiyui · May 2014

jeannie2089 said:
These boards are full of ridiculous people who I think spend too much time gossiping, and worrying about who your going to criticize. And you just make up your own assumptions.. Like I am young and dumb. I was asking for advice from someone who has been in this situation, and what they chose to do. There is no RIGHT or WRONG way to be married. I don't care who my wedding insults because its OURS not YOURS. Nor are WE doing it for the wrong reasons like everyone is assuming. You just choose to attack everyone who's decisions are not up to your standard. Shame on you all.. this is supposed to be a support system, not a bullying board. This is why social media is the drama that it is..
Thank you nicoann for your comment. You were the only one who wasn't criticizing me.

I think you and I have read two completely different boards.

VulgarGirl · May 2014

jeannie2089 said:

These boards are full of ridiculous people who I think spend too much time gossiping, and worrying about who your going to criticize. And you just make up your own assumptions.. Like I am young and dumb. I was asking for advice from someone who has been in this situation, and what they chose to do. There is no RIGHT or WRONG way to be married. I don't care who my wedding insults because its OURS not YOURS. Nor are WE doing it for the wrong reasons like everyone is assuming. You just choose to attack everyone who's decisions are not up to your standard. Shame on you all.. this is supposed to be a support system, not a bullying board. This is why social media is the drama that it is..
Thank you nicoann for your comment. You were the only one who wasn't criticizing me.

If you want people who agree with you and think everything you do is wonderful...good luck with that.

You asked a question, people gave you answers and explanations (nicely) and now you're all pissy because what, no one told you it's fine to have a JOP wedding then go ahead a play wedding again later? If you aren't used to people telling you when a bad idea is a bad idea, life is gonna kick you in the ass. Real hard.

mysticl · May 2014

jeannie2089 said:

These boards are full of ridiculous people who I think spend too much time gossiping, and worrying about who your going to criticize. And you just make up your own assumptions.. Like I am young and dumb. I was asking for advice from someone who has been in this situation, and what they chose to do. There is no RIGHT or WRONG way to be married. I don't care who my wedding insults because its OURS not YOURS. Nor are WE doing it for the wrong reasons like everyone is assuming. You just choose to attack everyone who's decisions are not up to your standard. Shame on you all.. this is supposed to be a support system, not a bullying board. This is why social media is the drama that it is..
Thank you nicoann for your comment. You were the only one who wasn't criticizing me.

I didn't criticize you. I told you how some members of the community you are planning to join will perceive your actions if you go that route.

As for telling you not to post about deployment timeframes that wasn't criticism. That was education. You don't want to put the safety of your FI and those serving with him at risk. The extension of deployments due to social media posts is not some kind of military urban legend. I know someone who had it happen. The very day they were due to pull into port they were waved off and sent back out because of what a relative posted.

Jen4948 · May 2014

jeannie2089 said:

These boards are full of ridiculous people who I think spend too much time gossiping, and worrying about who your going to criticize. And you just make up your own assumptions.. Like I am young and dumb. I was asking for advice from someone who has been in this situation, and what they chose to do. There is no RIGHT or WRONG way to be married. I don't care who my wedding insults because its OURS not YOURS. Nor are WE doing it for the wrong reasons like everyone is assuming. You just choose to attack everyone who's decisions are not up to your standard. Shame on you all.. this is supposed to be a support system, not a bullying board. This is why social media is the drama that it is..
Thank you nicoann for your comment. You were the only one who wasn't criticizing me.

If you ask people for advice, anywhere, I'm afraid you run the risk that the advice you are going to get is to not do what you planned to do. And if you think we just criticize, why did you ask us for advice in the first place? Did you not lurk and read threads about PPDs and DWs before you posted? If all you wanted was validation, well, you're barking up the wrong tree by asking us for it.

You were not "bullied" here. Disagreeing =/= "bullying."

misshart00 · May 2014

Also, something else to think about. Say you get married at the courthouse secretly now, then he gets deployed and you're all excited planning your big "wedding." Then something happens and the military comes to tell you since you're next of kin. Now, not only are you heartbroken, but you have to explain to his parents what happened. Then you also have to explain why the military came to you and not them. Not a good conversation all the way around.

bananasplit472001 · May 2014

misshart00 said:

Also, something else to think about. Say you get married at the courthouse secretly now, then he gets deployed and you're all excited planning your big "wedding." Then something happens and the military comes to tell you since you're next of kin. Now, not only are you heartbroken, but you have to explain to his parents what happened. Then you also have to explain why the military came to you and not them. Not a good conversation all the way around.

Uh. I'm sure she is already aware of this as a possibility. I'm also sure that does not change the way she feels about marrying him. This could happen to anyone not just someone who is in the military.

OP, I would wait to marry until after deployment especially if you want a big wedding. There is no need to rush to get married.

kitty8403 · May 2014

Many, many people have served in the military. Including my family. That's a choice each servicemember makes. It's not an excuse to have a pity party because you have to make some grown-up decisions about when/who/how to get married.

Some people do exactly what you're talking about, OP. But you really ought to read the PPD FAQ sticky at the top of this board. There are a lot of reasons posted explaining why you should reconsider that decision.

misshart00 · May 2014

bananasplit472001 said:

misshart00 said:

Also, something else to think about. Say you get married at the courthouse secretly now, then he gets deployed and you're all excited planning your big "wedding." Then something happens and the military comes to tell you since you're next of kin. Now, not only are you heartbroken, but you have to explain to his parents what happened. Then you also have to explain why the military came to you and not them. Not a good conversation all the way around.

Uh. I'm sure she is already aware of this as a possibility. I'm also sure that does not change the way she feels about marrying him. This could happen to anyone not just someone who is in the military.

OP, I would wait to marry until after deployment especially if you want a big wedding. There is no need to rush to get married.

Uh, I'm aware that it could happen to anyone including those not in the military. I'm not saying don't marry him because something could happen to him. I'm saying don't lie to people about marrying him because she may have to explain a lot of things really fast leaving a lot of people pissed.

AddieCake · May 2014

jeannie2089 said:

These boards are full of ridiculous people who I think spend too much time gossiping, and worrying about who your going to criticize. And you just make up your own assumptions.. Like I am young and dumb. I was asking for advice from someone who has been in this situation, and what they chose to do. There is no RIGHT or WRONG way to be married. I don't care who my wedding insults because its OURS not YOURS. Nor are WE doing it for the wrong reasons like everyone is assuming. You just choose to attack everyone who's decisions are not up to your standard. Shame on you all.. this is supposed to be a support system, not a bullying board. This is why social media is the drama that it is..
Thank you nicoann for your comment. You were the only one who wasn't criticizing me.

Is that your way of saying goodbye, or can we expect more interaction with you in the future? I just need to know if I need my coat, speshul snowflake.

wrigleyville · May 2014

jeannie2089 said:

Unfortunately, we literally have little to no time now to even see each other. Being that he is vital to his soldiers and too important to miss anything going on in preparation. Perhaps ill wait.. im not settling for something I'm not going to be happy with down the road. Nor will our loved ones that we both want to attend be able to on such short notice.

Whoa. Wait. How did you go from this, which shows you agree it's strange to have a PPD, to totally freaking out and saying everyone is being judgmental?

I recommend joining the Military Brides board, if you haven't already. They'll have lots of good advice, not just for your wedding, but for being a military wife as well.

mysticl · May 2014

wrigleyville said:

jeannie2089 said:

Unfortunately, we literally have little to no time now to even see each other. Being that he is vital to his soldiers and too important to miss anything going on in preparation. Perhaps ill wait.. im not settling for something I'm not going to be happy with down the road. Nor will our loved ones that we both want to attend be able to on such short notice.

Whoa. Wait. How did you go from this, which shows you agree it's strange to have a PPD, to totally freaking out and saying everyone is being judgmental?

I recommend joining the Military Brides board, if you haven't already. They'll have lots of good advice, not just for your wedding, but for being a military wife as well.

That board is pretty dead these days.

cdn0292 · May 2014

As I don't agree with how some of these "opinions" came across I do agree that you should only be married once. However, that doesn't change the fact that when he does return home y'all can't have a celebration of your marriage. If y'all have been together for 4 years I say don't rush it. Just wait and spend your free time focused on your dream wedding. I am sure focusing on something positive like planning your wedding will help with the sad feelings of him being deployed. Good luck on your decision and just remember it is y'alls wedding therefore y'alls decision!

courtneyandjohn2014 · May 2014

Get married now. You will get special benefits while he is deployed and also if, heaven forbid, something happens to him while he's gone. Throw a big 1st anniversary party when he gets back.

mysticl · May 2014

courtneyandjohn2014 said:

Get married now. You will get special benefits while he is deployed and also if, heaven forbid, something happens to him while he's gone. Throw a big 1st anniversary party when he gets back.

Benefits are not a good reason for anyone to get married. Also, he decides who gets the life insurance so he could name her the beneficiary right now if he wanted to.

weddingmcgee · May 2014

I am marrying a man in the military and we are getting married a bit sooner than we originally planned because of his underway/deployment schedule. We knew we want to get married and have been engaged for a little while, so we just bumped it up a little so we don't have to wait forever (no it's not a benefits thing, it's just a schedule thing. He is included in the group of people who thinks it's extremely disrespectful to marry for benefits but not honor it as the "real" wedding, which is why we haven't gotten married yet). This introduced the problem of paying for a wedding on a smaller budget because we don't have as much time to plan.So, here's what I would recommend: If you do decide you both want to get married before he leaves, prioritize what is important to you and budget accordingly. Cut out the stuff that isn't really important to you.

We wanted to have good food and a pretty venue, so I hired an amazing caterer and booked a deck with a veranda by a lake that is beautiful! We are serving beer and wine, but no liquor or special cocktail, which are usually gross anyway. We are skipping live music/a dj, and will have an ipod hooked up to speakers. I'm renting a fabulous dress from renttherunway.com for $70 and I love it more than any wedding dress I've seen. My fiance is wearing a suit, not a tux (your fiance could wear his uniform if that is his style). We are skipping flowers and decorations and just adding some twinkle lights for when it gets dark. It's a small wedding (about 40 guests) and all the people we love the most will be there.

Now, if what is important to you is friends/family being there and you know most of them won't make it, then you should wait. Honestly, you'll regret it later if you don't have them there. You can always throw him a coming home party/one year anniversary/vow renewal party, but it won't be your wedding if you got married before he went on deployment. But it can still be a time to celebrate with family and friends. You don't get to wear a big white dress and walk down the aisle, but it can still be a celebration of your marriage and family.

Also, it is VERY important to not share anything about dates in the military. No underway dates, return dates, etc. Like someone said, it can extend a deployment- which would suck. I'm pretty sure I'd strangle someone who extended my fiance's deployment or underway because they blabbed. If you need to share the information with his family or something, call them and tell them privately. Don't share the info in emails or on facebook which are "private" but easily hacked. Better safe than sorry.

Wedding/Marriage HELP

Re: Wedding/Marriage HELP

Choose Another Board

Search Boards