Can I just vent about my SIL and BIL for a moment.

theexactlee · May 2014

My relationship with my husbands brother and his wife has always been a touch rocky. They were trying to get pregnant for a very long time to no avail, putting lots of money they did not have into IVF and continuing to be let down month after month. Then my boyfriend and I (boyfriend being now DH) got pregnant using birth control and a condom (not really but definitely birth control and unexpected) and it was a HUGE blow to them, they were devastated. I don't blame them, we both felt awful. To make matters worse we had a boy. In my husbands family we might as well have been royals, having the first boy was a huge deal. I honestly did feel just terrible for my BIL and SIL, I couldn't imagine the pain they felt watching me and Tim, who weren't even married go through this happy time.

So anyway fast forward 10 years and things have absolutely gotten better. We both have 2 children, things worked out for them and they were able to get pregnant. We joke that I may have had the first baby but she has a daughter and I have always wanted a daughter. But things are still slightly stained. They are both just way closer to her side of the family. So much so that they tend to forget we exist.

Like for example they forgot to invite us to BIL's 40th Birthday party which is in two months. TWO MONTHS. There is no way we can afford to fly there now. Of course SIL is very sorry.

I asked my MIL today (I see her every single day as she home schools my 9 year old) why she didn't think to tell us about this. She said she had no idea we didn't already know. UGH Tim's family is so weird. No one talks to each other. If this was my family we would have had this sh!t nailed down. Plane tickets in hand 5 months previous.

The funny thing is SIL "forgot" to invite us to BIL's 30th birthday party as well, but that was when we were pregnant with the first baby and we knew it was because she couldn't bear seeing us. We got that and tried not to be offended. This time though was just bad communication. I blame my husband too, because he never talks to him brother even when I say "Have you talked to your brother lately?" And if I try to call SIL she usually won't call me back and then my BIL will call my husband to see what's up.

Okay rant over. I'm just annoyed by the whole thing. I told my husband he needs to fly up there even though the whole family can't go. Just tag along with his mom. He says no. I gigantic eye roll this.

Sorry for the novel.

emmyg65 · May 2014

I definitely understand your frustration. The fertility thing obviously still bothers you, but it's a red herring. Families are just different

For example, my mom asks what our Thanksgiving and Christmas plans are in July. We choose which one we want to spend with my family and then just leave the other one open. DH's family doesn't start discussing it till like two weeks before the holiday. We're planners and they're not.

Likewise, I talk to my parents every single week and text with my brother practically every other day (he lives 3,000 miles away). DH talks to his family maybe every two months?

But it's not my place to control his relationship with them or try to make it more like what I expect and am comfortable with. Maybe you'll be less frustrated if you try to let it go.

larrygaga · May 2014

It's really shitty of them to be like that. Their feelings are understandable, but it's not fair of them to take it out on you. It really sucks that they struggled having kids but damn. Do they just hate every pregnant couple ever? The fuck?

grumbledore · May 2014

Um, you are offended at getting a birthday party invitation 2 months before the party? That's BSC. I've never seen a birthday invitation in my entire life more than 2-3 weeks before the party.

theexactlee · May 2014

Even if people have to purchase plane tickets to fly in? That seems odd to me. If I have to purchase plane tickets and a hotel room 2 weeks ahead of time I'm certainly not coming and I'm going to think you are rude for not giving me more notice about an event including my family member you know I'd like to attend.

Simky906 · May 2014

I think emmyg65 makes a very good point here. Families communicate very differently. I know it can be difficult when you're used to your family nailing down details with everyone but clearly his family isn't like that.

It's like my FI's family- his parents haven't visited us in almost three years. He only speaks to his mom when there's no other way around it. I talk to my mom at least two or three times a week and get visits from the family at least three of four times a year (we are both long distance from our parents).

Honestly, I only very recently came to terms with this and we've been together nearly six years. The relief I felt when I was finally able to let it go was massive. So I know it's not easy, but my frustration level has gone down immensely. I think yours can too if you're able to let it go.

theexactlee · May 2014

I guess I'll have to. 10 years is a long time to stress over it. I think another thing that stresses me out is they will undoubtedly throw it in our face at some point. For example Tim has already called his brother about our vow renewal and asked him to be there. He said he would be there, we have given him 14 months of notice because we know he is getting his college degree and he graduates that same May (ours is in June) and want him to be prepared. I just don't want to hear "You didn't even make it to my 40th birthday!" Things like that irk me to no end. Why does their always have to be drama?

Simky906 · May 2014

Sadly, some people thrive on drama. When they bring it up, all you can do is let them know that at two months out, the plane tickets were not in your budget. Then change the subject.

You don't need the stress in your life- you've got too much else going on. And frankly, it's helped me to look at it as though by allowing them to stress me out I'm letting them when. I'm letting them introduce drama into my otherwise happy life. I'm not going to allow other people to exert that kind of emotional control over me. Easier said then done, I know, but it's much calmer when you get there.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

I think emmy makes good points.

I talk to my parents daily, either on the phone or by text. Hell, next week, my mom and I are attending the same business conference and we're sharing a hotel room.

DH talks to his parents never, his aunt only when he can't avoid her, his brother rarely, his sister never, his cousins never, and his BSC grandmother only when she has sufficiently guilt-tripped him into talking to her.

I wouldn't make him change how he interacts with his family to mirror how I interact with my family, but neither would I appreciate him telling me I have to change how I interact with my family members.

Different families interact different ways.

mysticl · May 2014

If your husband isn't interested in attending his brother's birthday party, why are you worried about it?

zitiqueen · May 2014

Different means different; it doesn't mean wrong.

pinkshorts27 · May 2014

emmyg65 said:

I definitely understand your frustration. The fertility thing obviously still bothers you, but it's a red herring. Families are just different

For example, my mom asks what our Thanksgiving and Christmas plans are in July. We choose which one we want to spend with my family and then just leave the other one open. DH's family doesn't start discussing it till like two weeks before the holiday. We're planners and they're not.

Likewise, I talk to my parents every single week and text with my brother practically every other day (he lives 3,000 miles away). DH talks to his family maybe every two months?

But it's not my place to control his relationship with them or try to make it more like what I expect and am comfortable with. Maybe you'll be less frustrated if you try to let it go.

Are you me? Is your DH my FI? This is exactly us. I talk to my parents weekly and often daily. My FI only talks to his family when he is headed home. They never know what holiday plans are and we have our Thanksgiving planned before the end of June.

If they throw it in your face, ignore the jab and calmly say in your most disappointed voice "Oh yeah. We were so disappointed we couldn't attend. Unfortunately we didn't hear about it until two months before and couldn't afford the plane tickets. We really wanted to be there, but for us to attend out of town events we need more notice. Maybe next year?"

theexactlee · May 2014

Le sigh. I guess this is life. If only people always did what I told them to, the world would be a better place.

grumbledore · May 2014

theexactlee said:

Even if people have to purchase plane tickets to fly in? That seems odd to me. If I have to purchase plane tickets and a hotel room 2 weeks ahead of time I'm certainly not coming and I'm going to think you are rude for not giving me more notice about an event including my family member you know I'd like to attend.

Do people seriously fly places for birthday parties? And still, I would think a 2 month out birthday invite was nuts. That's when wedding invitations get sent out for pete's sake.

grumbledore · May 2014

theexactlee said:

Le sigh. I guess this is life. If only people always did what I told them to, the world would be a better place.

Ha, I think we all feel this way.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

grumbledore said:

theexactlee said:

Le sigh. I guess this is life. If only people always did what I told them to, the world would be a better place.

Ha, I think we all feel this way.

Yes. SO MUCH YES. I not infrequently want to tell people, 'Well, you can do it my way, or you can do it the wrong way and then have to re-do it the right way, which is my way. So why don't you just do it my way in the first place?'

theexactlee · May 2014

LOL to everyone above.

Grumbledore yeah, I think for your only siblings 40th Birthday you would. I certainly know more than one person who has traveled to even throw their siblings a big party. For some reason 40 is a big deal which I don't understand in and of itself. People also fly for babies 1st birthday parties.

grumbledore · May 2014

theexactlee said:

LOL to everyone above.

Grumbledore yeah, I think for your only siblings 40th Birthday you would. I certainly know more than one person who has traveled to even throw their siblings a big party. For some reason 40 is a big deal which I don't understand in and of itself. People also fly for babies 1st birthday parties.

Oh. Well I would never do that. My brother is one of my best friends, and there is no way in hell I would pay for a mini-vacation just for his birthday party. But I also think birthday parties for adults are rather ridiculous. I also wouldn't fly for a baby's first. Or anyone's, unless it was my own kid or something and for some reason I/they were far away.

theexactlee · May 2014

Scribes I keep saying that in my head "It's not like we didn't know he was turning 40". Except that it's not my brother so I totally didn't put that much thought into it and know way does my husband care.

grumbledore · May 2014

scribe95 said:

Well then maybe you should stop venting about them. They didn't do anything wrong. You guys had control of the situation and didn't do anything.

Agreed, I really see no issue here other than the OP trying to get her husband to care about something that he clearly doesn't.

Can I just vent about my SIL and BIL for a moment.

Re: Can I just vent about my SIL and BIL for a moment.

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