Shower vs. Engagement Party

KatieinBkln · May 2014

I have lived with my fiance for 5 years now so we aren't doing a big registry (just a few closet-oriented things so we can organize all the shit we already have, rather than adding new shit) and plan to decline any shower invitations. My question is, is there a general expectation of gift-giving at an engagement party? If someone wanted to throw one for me, should I decline that, too? (Look at me with my hypotheticals! Obviously this stuff may never come to pass but I want to be prepared).

If an engagement party is kosher, what's the best way to convey "no gifts, please"? Thanks in advance, everyone.

melbelleup · May 2014

Most people won't bring gifts to an engagement party unless it's wine etc or a card. Engagement parties happen right after you get engaged. NEITHER parties can be hosted by a bride. If no one offers you an engagement party, you won't have one.

CrazyCatLady3 · May 2014

KatieinBkln said:

I have lived with my fiance for 5 years now so we aren't doing a big registry (just a few closet-oriented things so we can organize all the shit we already have, rather than adding new shit) and plan to decline any shower invitations. My question is, is there a general expectation of gift-giving at an engagement party? If someone wanted to throw one for me, should I decline that, too? (Look at me with my hypotheticals! Obviously this stuff may never come to pass but I want to be prepared).

If an engagement party is kosher, what's the best way to convey "no gifts, please"? Thanks in advance, everyone.

This tends to be a regional thing. In my area, some people bring gifts to engagement parties, but not everyone does. Other ladies have posted that engagement parties in their areas are not gift-giving occasions. It's fine to have one in my opinion. Don't say anything about gifts. If people want to get you one they will, and you can send them a nice thank you note. But not everyone will assume gifts are required. We didn't even have an engagement party and we still got a few engagement gifts just because people wanted to give them!

PrettyGirlLost · May 2014

It depends on your circle, but in many e-parties are gift giving events. If you don't want gifts, decline any offers for the party- that's the only polite way to convey "No gifts, please."

mollyringwald15 · May 2014

Engagement parties I have attended were not gift giving events. It seems like if someone were to give you a gift it might be a giftcard or something "date night" oriented.

There is no way to convey no gifts. Don't register, and say thank you for anything that is given.

I think you are overthinking this.

melbenso · May 2014

There is no expectation of gifts at an engagement party, so I wouldn't worry too much is someone if going to throw you one. And there isn't really a polite way to say "no gifts, please" as technically it implies you are expecting gifts.

If someone asks though, I would just say "Since FI and I have been living together for so long, there really isn't much that we need, but thank you so much for asking. I'm looking forward to seeing you." or something to that effect.

EDT: Spelling

ei34 · May 2014

In my area engagement parties are gift-giving events, but if the couple hasn't registered, the gifts are cash/check in a card or a nice bottle of wine or champagne. What seems to be the trend at engagement parties you've attended in your circle/area?
If someone has offered to throw you an engagement party and you'd like one, accept and just don't make any mention of gifts. (Stating "no gifts" puts them on the radar by assuming that some guests were going to give them.)

KatieinBkln · May 2014

I think you are overthinking this.

Oh, you have no idea! I was never an "I have had my wedding planned since I was 4" kind of girl, so now that I have to host one, I am going a little nuts trying to make sure I don't do anything accidentally tacky. Thank goodness for these boards, although it's easy to get sucked down the rabbithole here, too!

JCbride2015 · May 2014

KatieinBkln said:

I think you are overthinking this.

Oh, you have no idea! I was never an "I have had my wedding planned since I was 4" kind of girl, so now that I have to host one, I am going a little nuts trying to make sure I don't do anything accidentally tacky. Thank goodness for these boards, although it's easy to get sucked down the rabbithole here, too!

You sound just like me. I never thought about my wedding until we actually started planning it! And I haven't been to a ton of weddings, either.

I assume from your sn you are in NYC? I live in Jersey City and we received gifts from pretty much everyone at our e-party. But it was thrown by FPILs and they are a really large Italian family. They give cash for everything. Some friends gave checks, some gave bottles of wine. One couple got us personalized wine glasses. A few got us nothing.

KatieinBkln · May 2014

Glad I'm not alone, @jcbride2015 ! I am in NYC, but both of our families are in the Midwest and we're having the wedding there, so I'm still not sure about the regional aspect of it. Luckily we're probably getting to the point where it's been long enough since we actually got engaged that this will be a non-issue.

lilacck28 · May 2014

I just went to an engagement party. We gave the couple a small vase. My family tends to give gifts/ checks for everything, particularly for family, and the bride was my fiance's cousin. Now that I'm an adult, I have noticed and been told that they (my immediate family) tends to be overly generous (in terms of hosting and gifts) compared to most people I meet, which lines up with the general consensus here that engagement party =/= gifts. But I'm sure there will be some stragglers like myself who assume that giving a gift at an event is respectful.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2014

lilacck28 said:

I just went to an engagement party. We gave the couple a small vase. My family tends to give gifts/ checks for everything, particularly for family, and the bride was my fiance's cousin. Now that I'm an adult, I have noticed and been told that they (my immediate family) tends to be overly generous (in terms of hosting and gifts) compared to most people I meet, which lines up with the general consensus here that engagement party =/= gifts. But I'm sure there will be some stragglers like myself who assume that giving a gift at an event is respectful.

I don't think that is the consensus at all. I think that e-parties vary by circle and family, and there is a split on this board as to whether or not they are gift giving events.

OP, if e=parties are gift giving events in your family, then decline. If they are not, accept but do not mention not wanting gifts. It's always someone's prerogative to give a gift.

SapphireCounselor · May 2014

I don't know what it is like elsewhere, but in my circle there isn't an expectation of gifts at an engagement party. I did bring a gift to the last one I attended, but that was only because I wanted to, not becuase I felt obligated to as a guest. I bring this up as a way of saying that if I got invited to both an engagement party and a shower for the same couple I wouldn't side-eye it.

KatieinBkln · May 2014

Thanks to everyone who replied! It looks like this is going to be a know-your-audience thing if it even happens at all. So: the party is okay as long as it's not traditionally a gift-giving thing with my people; regardless I don't need to say a word about gifts; I should enjoy any and all bottles of wine given to me (that last one applies in life in general).

bananasplit472001 · May 2014

In my area both engagement parties and showers are gift giving events. Both of our families gave a gift whether it was something for the home or a check or giftcard. I would not put any indication of a registry on the invitation anywhere. If you want to make a small registry make one and tell your parents or the person hosting the party, if someone asks the host about a registry they can direct them that way. I wouldn't decline a party just because your afraid people will give you gifts that seems a little silly. If you really do not need a gift you received you can always return it. Some people who were even invited to our engagement party sent gifts! you can't control it if someone wants to give you a gift they will.

KatieinBkln · May 2014

In my area both engagement parties and showers are gift giving events. Both of our families gave a gift whether it was something for the home or a check or giftcard. I would not put any indication of a registry on the invitation anywhere. If you want to make a small registry make one and tell your parents or the person hosting the party, if someone asks the host about a registry they can direct them that way. I wouldn't decline a party just because your afraid people will give you gifts that seems a little silly. If you really do not need a gift you received you can always return it. Some people who were even invited to our engagement party sent gifts! you can't control it if someone wants to give you a gift they will.

I see where you're coming from but the general consensus on these boards is that brides MUST decline a shower if they aren't in the market for gifts because it comes off looking like a cash grab. So declining parties because of gift-related stuff is a real thing, if I'm understanding all of this correctly.

manateehugger · May 2014

KatieinBkln said:

In my area both engagement parties and showers are gift giving events. Both of our families gave a gift whether it was something for the home or a check or giftcard. I would not put any indication of a registry on the invitation anywhere. If you want to make a small registry make one and tell your parents or the person hosting the party, if someone asks the host about a registry they can direct them that way. I wouldn't decline a party just because your afraid people will give you gifts that seems a little silly. If you really do not need a gift you received you can always return it. Some people who were even invited to our engagement party sent gifts! you can't control it if someone wants to give you a gift they will.

I see where you're coming from but the general consensus on these boards is that brides MUST decline a shower if they aren't in the market for gifts because it comes off looking like a cash grab. So declining parties because of gift-related stuff is a real thing, if I'm understanding all of this correctly.

Yeah, the thing is if you really don't want gifts, don't have a party where people are going to bring you gifts that you don't want/can't use. Then you are just having people are just wasting their money and effort on you.

I'm from the Midwest; I see picture frames, booze, kitchen crap, and gift cards at formal e-parties. But honestly, I wouldn't outright decline an engagement party due to the possibility of gifts. How long have you guys been engaged though? I think engagement parties outside the first few months of engagement are weird.

ashleyep · May 2014

Registering before an e-party seems weird to me. They're supposed to happen shortly after you get engaged, and you're already registering for you wedding?

I'd hold off on registering until after the party. Then if people want to give you a gift, they'll probably just give you something small.

KatieinBkln · May 2014

Good call, @ashleyep. We haven't registered yet and are still technically "recently" engaged but definitely on the edge of being not-so-recent and therefore out of the realm of an engagement party.

bananasplit472001 · May 2014

KatieinBkln said:

In my area both engagement parties and showers are gift giving events. Both of our families gave a gift whether it was something for the home or a check or giftcard. I would not put any indication of a registry on the invitation anywhere. If you want to make a small registry make one and tell your parents or the person hosting the party, if someone asks the host about a registry they can direct them that way. I wouldn't decline a party just because your afraid people will give you gifts that seems a little silly. If you really do not need a gift you received you can always return it. Some people who were even invited to our engagement party sent gifts! you can't control it if someone wants to give you a gift they will.

I see where you're coming from but the general consensus on these boards is that brides MUST decline a shower if they aren't in the market for gifts because it comes off looking like a cash grab. So declining parties because of gift-related stuff is a real thing, if I'm understanding all of this correctly.

Hmm that is interesting I never would have thought that if people didn't want gifts then someone couldn't host an engagement party for them. The engagement party is about celebrating the couples engagement and not about getting gifts. If guests choose to bring a gift thats their prerogative and it would actually be rude to not accept the gift. Ettiqutte can be very tricky and I understand why declining a party because the person does not want to seem gift grabby, but declining a party that someone wants to throw for you is being rude to the host. It's like saying "oh because i don't want any gifts you can't throw me a party even though you want to". I do not get it.

KatieinBkln · May 2014

bananasplit472001 said:

Hmm that is interesting I never would have thought that if people didn't want gifts then someone couldn't host an engagement party for them. The engagement party is about celebrating the couples engagement and not about getting gifts. If guests choose to bring a gift thats their prerogative and it would actually be rude to not accept the gift. Ettiqutte can be very tricky and I understand why declining a party because the person does not want to seem gift grabby, but declining a party that someone wants to throw for you is being rude to the host. It's like saying "oh because i don't want any gifts you can't throw me a party even though you want to". I do not get it.

If the bold is true, then I'm right there with you! It just seems like the premise of the e-party varies with each region.

(Side note: there was a time when I scoffed at a lot of wedding planning stuff as kind of silly and frivolous. I have since discovered that it can be fascinating intellectual work!)

ashleyep · May 2014

bananasplit472001 said:

Hmm that is interesting I never would have thought that if people didn't want gifts then someone couldn't host an engagement party for them. The engagement party is about celebrating the couples engagement and not about getting gifts. If guests choose to bring a gift thats their prerogative and it would actually be rude to not accept the gift. Ettiqutte can be very tricky and I understand why declining a party because the person does not want to seem gift grabby, but declining a party that someone wants to throw for you is being rude to the host. It's like saying "oh because i don't want any gifts you can't throw me a party even though you want to". I do not get it.

If the bold is true, then I'm right there with you! It just seems like the premise of the e-party varies with each region.

(Side note: there was a time when I scoffed at a lot of wedding planning stuff as kind of silly and frivolous. I have since discovered that it can be fascinating intellectual work!)

Engagement parties might be gift-giving events for some, but so are weddings. The whole point of showers are the gifts - that's literally the point. Even if people do give gifts at e-parties, that's not the point of them. If you don't want gifts, don't have a shower. If you don't want gifts, you can still have an e-party, but don't register anywhere, and if anyone asks what you'd like, tell them nothing, just their company.

Shower vs. Engagement Party

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