Additional reception to accommodate other guests?

LoandMike · May 2014

My mother has been set on me getting married at our church since I was a child, and considering how beautiful the venue is, I was happy to comply. We will be holding the reception in the same place, which automatically set our total number of invited guests to 150. The problem is, our current guest list is closer to 250/300. Obviously I need to narrow it down and this is just killing me. Financially and emotionally changing the location isn't an option.

My parents suggested having an at the house brunch open house the next day that we could invite all the people that didn't get invited to the wedding. They are suggesting it as an opportunity to invite additional church people so as not to offend anyone. I wonder what people will view it as. Will it be looked at as "sorry you didn't make the cut for the actually wedding, but come celebrate us anyway?" or will people see it as another opportunity to celebrate how people have played a role in the joining of our lives?

QueerFemme · May 2014

LoandMike said:
My mother has been set on me getting married at our church since I was a child, and considering how beautiful the venue is, I was happy to comply. We will be holding the reception in the same place, which automatically set our total number of invited guests to 150. The problem is, our current guest list is closer to 250/300. Obviously I need to narrow it down and this is just killing me. Financially and emotionally changing the location isn't an option.

My parents suggested having an at the house brunch open house the next day that we could invite all the people that didn't get invited to the wedding. They are suggesting it as an opportunity to invite additional church people so as not to offend anyone. I wonder what people will view it as. Will it be looked at as "sorry you didn't make the cut for the actually wedding, but come celebrate us anyway?" or will people see it as another opportunity to celebrate how people have played a role in the joining of our lives?

It would look gift grabby and like a consolation prize.

manateehugger · May 2014

You'll offend people; you're asking them to celebrate an event they weren't deemed worthy to attend. Sometimes, budgets and venues can't accommodate everyone you'd like, and that's ok. You accept it and keep on planning.

alphabridesmaid · May 2014

Meh, I don't see it as a MAJOR faux pas, but it is gift grabby looking. We have several Mormon neighbors and they always do open houses since a lot of them get married far away and we wouldn't be allowed in the temple anyways. I would use the know your crowd rule.

CMGragain · May 2014

This is called a tiered reception, and it is rude. You mother can have a party anytime, but it is not related to your wedding.
I suggest you have the open house later, when you get back from your honeymoon. Do not have any wedding related traditions, except that you may show off pictures from your wedding and honeymoon.
Now go cut that guest list!

RebeccaB88 · May 2014

Your choices are to cut your guest list or find a new venue. Suck it up, pick one, and do it.

bethsmiles · May 2014

This is rude. Cut down you guest list to the 150 or move your venue.

RebeccaFlower · May 2014

LoandMike said:

My mother has been set on me getting married at our church since I was a child, and considering how beautiful the venue is, I was happy to comply. We will be holding the reception in the same place, which automatically set our total number of invited guests to 150. The problem is, our current guest list is closer to 250/300. Obviously I need to narrow it down and this is just killing me. Financially and emotionally changing the location isn't an option.

My parents suggested having an at the house brunch open house the next day that we could invite all the people that didn't get invited to the wedding. They are suggesting it as an opportunity to invite additional church people so as not to offend anyone. I wonder what people will view it as. Will it be looked at as "sorry you didn't make the cut for the actually wedding, but come celebrate us anyway?" or will people see it as another opportunity to celebrate how people have played a role in the joining of our lives?

This is how they will see it, unfortunately. I would be very offended if I got this sort of invitation.

SapphireCounselor · May 2014

lilybet13 said:

RebeccaFlower said:

LoandMike said:

My mother has been set on me getting married at our church since I was a child, and considering how beautiful the venue is, I was happy to comply. We will be holding the reception in the same place, which automatically set our total number of invited guests to 150. The problem is, our current guest list is closer to 250/300. Obviously I need to narrow it down and this is just killing me. Financially and emotionally changing the location isn't an option.

My parents suggested having an at the house brunch open house the next day that we could invite all the people that didn't get invited to the wedding. They are suggesting it as an opportunity to invite additional church people so as not to offend anyone. I wonder what people will view it as. Will it be looked at as "sorry you didn't make the cut for the actually wedding, but come celebrate us anyway?" or will people see it as another opportunity to celebrate how people have played a role in the joining of our lives?

This is how they will see it, unfortunately. I would be very offended if I got this sort of invitation.

This. Your guts were right that people will see it as a consolation prize party for those not good enough. Some will be happy to celebrate however, but others will be hurt.

For the guest list, sit down with FI and any parents who are hosting/have a say in the list. Start from the VIPs - who absolutely must be there? - and work your way to a guest list.

This. The guests invited to your second celebration but not the actual wedding will almost certainly feel like this. Don't do a tiered reception. Creating the guest, and pairing it down, is one of the hardest things about wedding planning but unless you want to move to a larger venue, it has to happen. The good news? If you had a list going for the second celebration, this can turn into your "nice to have list" as you work through who makes the final cut.

STARMOON44 · May 2014

News flash sweetie: you're not that important. If you can only fit 150 people, that means you can only celebrate with 150 people. Not 300.

ei34 · May 2014

You and your mom's plan could work, but the timing is off. Ditto @CMGragain that you'd be better off hosting an open house a few weeks after your wedding. (With no trappings of a wedding, of course.) Inviting people over one day after your wedding definitely strikes me as tiered and gift-grabby.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

LoandMike said:

My mother has been set on me getting married at our church since I was a child, and considering how beautiful the venue is, I was happy to comply. We will be holding the reception in the same place, which automatically set our total number of invited guests to 150. The problem is, our current guest list is closer to 250/300. Obviously I need to narrow it down and this is just killing me. Financially and emotionally changing the location isn't an option.

My parents suggested having an at the house brunch open house the next day that we could invite all the people that didn't get invited to the wedding. They are suggesting it as an opportunity to invite additional church people so as not to offend anyone. I wonder what people will view it as. Will it be looked at as "sorry you didn't make the cut for the actually wedding, but come celebrate us anyway?" or will people see it as another opportunity to celebrate how people have played a role in the joining of our lives?

Yes. People will feel like they're good enough to get invited to something and give you a gift, but not good enough to make the cut for the real event.

If you're dead-set on this church, then cut your list to 150 people. If that means cutting your parents' church friends in favour of your and your FI's friends/family, then do that.

If you're dead-set on 250/300 people, then find a bigger venue.

Part of being an adult is making hard decisions and then owning them. This is a hard decision, but you have to make it and own it.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2014

Does the church itself only hold 150 ppl?

If so, and you are absolutely married to that venue, then that's your guest list.

Keep in mind it's 150 minus photographer(s), videographer, etc.

Jen4948 · May 2014

Either you need to cut your guest list to 150 people or you need to find another venue that can hold all the guests you want to invite.

There are no other polite alternatives. Inviting someone to a wedding-related event who is not invited to the wedding is for them like a slap across the face. It tells them that they weren't valued enough to make the original cut for invitations.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

Another cut the list or move the reception vote here. Easiest way to cut the list is catergorize guests, how many are, I'll be really bummed if they aren't there (like grandma or your best friend) versus, this is a courtesy invite because I work with you but don't hang out with you after work invite. Then once you have your VIPs, done you see how many spots you still have left.

CrazyCatLady3 · May 2014

STARMOON44 said:

News flash sweetie: you're not that important. If you can only fit 150 people, that means you can only celebrate with 150 people. Not 300.

This was an unnecessarily rude way to respond.

pinkshorts27 · May 2014

To me, a venue wasn't perfect unless it could hold our entire guest list. No matter how pretty this church is, if it can't hold enough people, maybe it isn't the place for you.

STARMOON44 · May 2014

@CrazyCatLady3 maybe, but when you say this with a straight face:

will people see it as another opportunity to celebrate how people have played a role in the joining of our lives?

Sometimes the internet needs to burst your bubble before the people you know in real life do.

kitty8403 · May 2014

I see a number of issues with this.
1. It sounds like you chose the church to please your mother, not because you actually want to be married in church.
2. It sounds like you chose the church because it was pretty--not because of your beliefs. If that is true, then it's just another pretty venue. One that doesn't fit your guest list. Bummer. That's not an abnormal scenario.
3. You have three choices, as I see it.
A. Cut the guest list.
B. Change the venue(s).
C. (And this is generally accepted, but still not the best route if it can be avoided). Combine A and B. Have an extremely intimate (immediate family, grandparents, wedding party only) ceremony at the church. Move your reception to a location that fits your full guest list. ETA: most couples who do this in a church setting have a better reason for a closed ceremony--e.g., religious rules that exclude non-believers, not drama over how the venue looks. Again, this is not an ideal move and may still irritate some of your guests. It's better to go with one of the other two choices.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2014

pinkshorts27 said:

To me, a venue wasn't perfect unless it could hold our entire guest list. No matter how pretty this church is, if it can't hold enough people, maybe it isn't the place for you.

^This.

I think you went about your planning a bit backwards.

You should create a working guest list that includes absolutely everyone that you'd like to invite, and at the same time come up with a rough estimate budget. Then stat researching venues and getting cost quotes. From there you adjust your guest list if need be, or your budget, based on the info you get from the venues you really like.

kitty8403 · May 2014

One other question. Where is your fiancé in this venue discussion? Your FI should be the one helping you make this decision about where to be married, not your mom.

phira · May 2014

Perfect venue = the venue that meets all of your needs. If you need a venue that can accommodate 300 guests, and this venue can't, then it's not perfect.

So, either cut the guest list, or find another venue.

Also:

1) Can the church fit 300 guests during the ceremony, just not the reception? If so, you could have your ceremony in the church and your reception at a larger venue. If not, then you're back to smaller guest list or different venue.

2) Like other people have asked, uh, where's your partner in all this?

JellyBean52513 · May 2014

STARMOON44 said:

News flash sweetie: you're not that important. If you can only fit 150 people, that means you can only celebrate with 150 people. Not 300.

You don't know how the people in her life regard her. Those extra 150 people might be childhood friends, aunts and uncles, and other people that she is actually very important to. You're right that she needs to cut her guestlist if she's going to keep the venue, but that has nothing to do with how important she is to the people in her life that she'd like to invite.

It's posts like this that give this board the reputation it has for being mean. Being straight-forward and not sugar coating facts is one thing, but this comment wasn't a matter of fact and it was just rude.

RebeccaB88 · May 2014

OP also needs to remember that she must include all SO's of invited guests. I think some couples see cutting boyfriends/girlfriends as an easy way to manage their guest list, but it's not. It's just a rude way to manage your guest list. So, I really think that OP's best option is to cut the emotional tie to her venue and find one that will help her take good care of her guests.

grumbledore · May 2014

My mother has been set on me getting married at our church since I was a child, and considering how beautiful the venue is, I was happy to comply. We will be holding the reception in the same place, which automatically set our total number of invited guests to 150. The problem is, our current guest list is closer to 250/300. Obviously I need to narrow it down and this is just killing me. Financially and emotionally changing the location isn't an option.

My parents suggested having an at the house brunch open house the next day that we could invite all the people that didn't get invited to the wedding. They are suggesting it as an opportunity to invite additional church people so as not to offend anyone. I wonder what people will view it as. Will it be looked at as "sorry you didn't make the cut for the actually wedding, but come celebrate us anyway?" or will people see it as another opportunity to celebrate how people have played a role in the joining of our lives?

Yeah, it probably will. I'd decline a consolation wedding event myself. Just cut your list and live with your decision - if you wanted 300 guests, you needed to choose a venue that could accommodate them.

LoandMike · May 2014

Thank you for saying that. The second reception topic has been an ongoing conversation at my house and I have been reluctant to post anything because I have noticed that some people who comment on here have a tendency to be rude and make assumptions about the people posting without actually finding out information. Also, you were right, the other people on the list are important people to both of our families, but so are the first 150 that we have on the list.

On that note, thank you those people who posted helpful suggestions. The venue is very important to me, it is the church I grew up in and I still identify with the faith. My fiance is also very involved with the church and is comfortable with the decision to get married there. I am doing my best to include him in the planning throughout the process, I do recognize that this isn't my wedding, but our wedding. I asked this question because he has stated that he is happy with whatever choice (and actually said "what does the wedding book say?")

Many of you confirmed what I thought was the case, that it would look like a gift grabbing event versus a celebration. Since that is certainly not what I am going for I wouldn't want that perception. Thank you for the feedback.

bananasplit472001 · May 2014

People will probably assume that they weren't important enough to be invited to the wedding. I would either include everyone that you want and find a big enough venue or cut the guest list. If money is an issue why don't you just have a big reception at your house after a simple ceremony?

Additional reception to accommodate other guests?

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