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HELP..Overwhelmed and getting out of control

JenniferW2015JenniferW2015 member
First Comment First Anniversary
in Snarky Brides
I need to rant big time!! I am not one to complain about much but this wedding is totally overwhelming and getting way out of control. My FMIL which I love dearly by the way keeps adding people to the guest list every time I see her. She buys "stuff" for the wedding which I never said I wanted and now I have no idea what to do with it.
OK...here is a little back story.. this is my second marriage but his first and he is a mommys boy no doubt about that. So he has always got what he wanted and has never had to tell his mom NO about anything.
Now we had decided that the guest list was set at 280 (which he of course denies now) well our list has grown to close to 340 people and that is not including us and our wedding party of 15 (which i never wanted that big of a wedding party either). When I bring this up to my FI he basically tells me to deal with it and make it work because he is not cutting any of the over 200 people on his side. (yes he has approximately 215 and I have 125). We have already figured out tables and centerpieces and bought all the decor for the 35 tables and I refuse to buy anymore. I feel like this is not that hard to understand...or is it just me?? I never wanted this big of a wedding but I gave in on some aspects of the wedding to make him happy. Big regret now. I told him and his parents that my parent would not be helping a whole lot due to the fact that I was married before and had the big wedding. So all that cost would be on me so we needed to make it some what affordable. Well that has all went out the window.... now I feel like it is his and his moms dream wedding instead of OUR wedding. I down right refuse to cut people off my list because I have already done that once and he had not cut anyone from the start. There are people on his list that he has never met and/or don't know, but because they are his parents friends they have to be on the list along with his dads cousins that he has never seen.....I am at my wits end here and feel like I don't have any say in anything with out running it by his mom first....Please give me some advice on this one....Am I turning into a Bridezilla????
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Re: HELP..Overwhelmed and getting out of control

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    CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2014
    JenniferW2015 said:
    I need to rant big time!! I am not one to complain about much but this wedding is totally overwhelming and getting way out of control. My FMIL which I love dearly by the way keeps adding people to the guest list every time I see her. She buys "stuff" for the wedding which I never said I wanted and now I have no idea what to do with it.
    OK...here is a little back story.. this is my second marriage but his first and he is a mommys boy no doubt about that. So he has always got what he wanted and has never had to tell his mom NO about anything.
    Now we had decided that the guest list was set at 280 (which he of course denies now) well our list has grown to close to 340 people and that is not including us and our wedding party of 15 (which i never wanted that big of a wedding party either).  When I bring this up to my FI he basically tells me to deal with it and make it work because he is not cutting any of the over 200 people on his side. (yes he has approximately 215 and I have 125). We have already figured out tables and centerpieces and bought all the decor for the 35 tables and I refuse to buy anymore. I feel like this is not that hard to understand...or is it just me?? I never wanted this big of a wedding but I gave in on some aspects of the wedding to make him happy. Big regret now. I told him and his parents that my parent would not be helping a whole lot due to the fact that I was married before and had the big wedding. So all that cost would be on me so we needed to make it some what affordable. Well that has all went out the window.... now I feel like it is his and his moms dream wedding instead of OUR wedding. I down right refuse to cut people off my list because I have already done that once and he had not cut anyone from the start. There are people on his list that he has never met and/or don't know, but because they are his parents friends they have to be on the list along with his dads cousins that he has never seen.....I am at my wits end here and feel like I don't have any say in anything with out running it by his mom first....Please give me some advice on this one....Am I turning into a Bridezilla????
    I am seeing some red flags here.  Your FI is not supporting you.  He is siding with his mother against you.  This does not bode well for the future.  The size of your guest list and cost of your wedding is not the real problem.  You need to figure out what your future relationship will be like.  Is it always going to be Fi and Mommy vs. you?
    I think you should talk to a counselor.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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    JenniferW2015JenniferW2015 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    Oh we will be doing counseling through the church soon and I will be sure to bring up these issues.
    I was beginning to think it was just me and was being to "Bridezilla".
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    CrazyCatLady3CrazyCatLady3 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    First of all, why are you buying table centerpieces etc when you haven't sent out invites and gotten rsvps?  You may invite 300 but have only 200 attend.

    Aside from the relationship issues CMG pointed out, tell your FI you only have [$X] to contribute to the wedding.  Anything above that cost that his mother insists on must be paid for by her.  Do you mind if it is a big wedding if she pays for most of it?
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    KatWAGKatWAG member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its

    Sounds like you have a fi problem, not a FMIL problem. You and fi need to be a team, a unified front.

    Who is paying for the wedding?

    BabyFruit Ticker
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    JenniferW2015JenniferW2015 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    Both families are helping pay along with me too. I am a person that does not like to wait til the last minute to deal with centerpieces so that is why i have already got them. Our wedding is this September so it is right around the corner. I have enough other stuff to deal with between now and then, I don't want to worry about centerpieces. If she pays for the extra I suppose that is ok, but then I feel like I was defeated and gave in... I don't think I should have to...he should stand by me.
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    JenniferW2015JenniferW2015 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    Not to mention that I have given in on so many aspects of the wedding already I feel like it is his turn. I have agreed to get married in his church at the hall he picked, etc. I am standing my ground and putting my little size 6 down on this one.
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    KatWAGKatWAG member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    JenniferW2015 said:
    Both families are helping pay along with me too. I am a person that does not like to wait til the last minute to deal with centerpieces so that is why i have already got them. Our wedding is this September so it is right around the corner. I have enough other stuff to deal with between now and then, I don't want to worry about centerpieces. If she pays for the extra I suppose that is ok, but then I feel like I was defeated and gave in... I don't think I should have to...he should stand by me.

    Since FMIL is paying (at least in part) then she does get a say in how her money is spent.

    But I would have a serious come to Jesus talk with your Fi.

    BabyFruit Ticker
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    InkdancerInkdancer member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    You should put your foot down. Your FI needs to be with you in all your decisions, and if he caves to his mother now he'll do it forever.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    eyeroll
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    Bubblegum5586Bubblegum5586 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    JenniferW2015 said:
    I need to rant big time!! I am not one to complain about much but this wedding is totally overwhelming and getting way out of control. My FMIL which I love dearly by the way keeps adding people to the guest list every time I see her. She buys "stuff" for the wedding which I never said I wanted and now I have no idea what to do with it.
    OK...here is a little back story.. this is my second marriage but his first and he is a mommys boy no doubt about that. So he has always got what he wanted and has never had to tell his mom NO about anything.
    Now we had decided that the guest list was set at 280 (which he of course denies now) well our list has grown to close to 340 people and that is not including us and our wedding party of 15 (which i never wanted that big of a wedding party either). When I bring this up to my FI he basically tells me to deal with it and make it work because he is not cutting any of the over 200 people on his side. (yes he has approximately 215 and I have 125). We have already figured out tables and centerpieces and bought all the decor for the 35 tables and I refuse to buy anymore. I feel like this is not that hard to understand...or is it just me?? I never wanted this big of a wedding but I gave in on some aspects of the wedding to make him happy. Big regret now. I told him and his parents that my parent would not be helping a whole lot due to the fact that I was married before and had the big wedding. So all that cost would be on me so we needed to make it some what affordable. Well that has all went out the window.... now I feel like it is his and his moms dream wedding instead of OUR wedding. I down right refuse to cut people off my list because I have already done that once and he had not cut anyone from the start. There are people on his list that he has never met and/or don't know, but because they are his parents friends they have to be on the list along with his dads cousins that he has never seen.....I am at my wits end here and feel like I don't have any say in anything with out running it by his mom first....Please give me some advice on this one....Am I turning into a Bridezilla????
    Reading this it seems FI has no financial obligation in any of this? This may be why he doesn't seem to realize why all these additions are stressing you out...
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    weddingmcgeeweddingmcgee member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    You definitely need to voice your opinions. Like, now. The longer you keep quiet, the more you're going to become unhappy and resentful. My FMIL invited people to our wedding and I let the initial additional guests slide because it was only a handful, but definitely made it clear that we had the guest list set and that we didn't want to invite more people. 

    Also, I agree that you need to have a serious heart to heart with your fiance. There doesn't seem to be good, or any, communication going on between you two. It also sounds like he dismisses your feelings and concerns about your wedding. Does he do this when it comes to other matters? Or just about the wedding or his mother? Look for patterns that may show a larger theme in your relationship. Maybe you're not being firm enough. He should be the one to deal with his mother and, as someone else posted, if he doesn't do it now, he never will and it will cause serious problems in your marriage. Address it before the big day because it may be a deal breaker.

    I do disagree with the idea, however, that since your future in laws are helping to pay for the wedding that they get to decide how their money is spent. I've heard this before and I totally disagree. It is YOUR wedding (or in this case, her son's wedding) and while you should take their advice and preferences into consideration since they're helping to pay, it's still your final decision. People shouldn't offer to help pay for a wedding and then expect to make decisions. Recommendations, yes. Final decisions? No way.

    If it's the money you're concerned about, you guys need to let your FMIL know that the people she personally added to the guest list need to be paid for by her (at least their meals). And if she adds more because they're her friends, not actual friends/family with the groom, then she needs to offer to pay for those people, too. If the issue is that you just don't want to have all those people at your wedding outside of the financial aspect, then you need to address that, as well. And be honest. This is your wedding, too, and while we all make compromises (trust me, I know about compromising when it comes to wedding planning) it shouldn't be so far off course from what you want that you're miserable planning the wedding and setting yourself up to resent your new husband and his family from day 1 because your voice went unheard. It sounds like this goes way beyond money. It might be hard but put your foot down but if she needs to make a few calls to uninvite people, then tough shit. She shouldn't have invited them on her own in the first place. 
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    JenniferW2015JenniferW2015 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    Thank you weddingmcgee! Your advice is the best yet.
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    MandyMostMandyMost member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Did you and your fiance ever sit down and talk about what the two of you wanted? It doesn't sound like your FMIL is interfering, it sounds like you and your fiance never agreed upon what you wanted. 

    And the money--it's being paid for by your family, his family, and YOU? What about him? Have you had a talk about your finances? 

    The problem here is not at all your FMIL--it's you and your fiance.
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