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NWR: graduation gift

abt87abt87 member
Sixth Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
A month before our wedding in 2012, a cousin of my DH graduated high school. She's the third youngest cousin out of 25 cousins, and my DH is the 4th oldest, if that matters. He was invited to her graduation party but we couldn't go because we were moving that weekend before our wedding. But he sent her a check for $100 without my knowledge. Which is about $75 too much for a high school graduation IMHO but he had just gotten a well-paying job and was probably a little overzealous. I was worried DH would set a precedence (which I explained to him amongst other reasons) with this family, and now, we received an HS announcement for this cousin's brother. We are relatively close with the aunt and uncle but the cousins are significantly younger than us, but is it suggested to send the brother a check for $100?? Just to save face or to prevent certain negative feelings because the older sibling got $100 but the younger brother gets $25 (my opinion of an appropriate hs graduation gift)?
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Re: NWR: graduation gift

  • doeydodoeydo member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited May 2014
    The original cousin should not have shared the amount of the cheque with anyone else.  Neither should this cousin when/if he gets a cheque from you and your DH. Anyways, if they did somehow all find out the amounts you and your DH are giving to different people, I still don't think that means you have to give them all the same amount, especially if there is a long time between gift givings.
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  • SomethingBeautiful08SomethingBeautiful08 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Did the annoucement suggest the gift or just family rumors? Personally I'd send the $25 and if anyone asks / makes a comment (which would be very rude on their part) I would say something along the lines of "We are excited for cousin, but we are also saving for..(fill in your real saving goal, i.e. house down payment, student loans, dream vacation etc."  Keep in mind that your marital and financial situation has changed, and DH was spending his own money and now you are spending both of yours.  You are simply making the adult choice to spend it differently as a couple.
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  • indianaalumindianaalum member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    I think you should consult with your husband and see what he finds to be an appropriate number especially in light of the fact that he felt 100 was appropriate previously. His opinion matters more than ours as I believe each family culture kinda decides how these things work within the family.

    To me, 50-100.00 seemed to be what I received on average for my high school graduation 20 years ago so it doesn't seem odd at al to me..so IMO, 25.00 seems a little cheap based on my own experience. but its not MY opinion that matters, it's what your  husband feels matters especially since it is his family. I would ask your husband the same question.

    Overall, I would probably be inclined to keep the numbers relatively close just for equality purposes. Of course, if it would break the bank, I certainly wouldn't go in debt over it. You don't want to inadvertantly make the younger cousin feel bad if he does happen to know either.


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  • indianaalumindianaalum member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    SomethingBeautiful08 said:
    Did the annoucement suggest the gift or just family rumors? Personally I'd send the $25 and if anyone asks / makes a comment (which would be very rude on their part) I would say something along the lines of "We are excited for cousin, but we are also saving for..(fill in your real saving goal, i.e. house down payment, student loans, dream vacation etc."  Keep in mind that your marital and financial situation has changed, and DH was spending his own money and now you are spending both of yours.  You are simply making the adult choice to spend it differently as a couple.
    I think what she meant was "is it suggested" as is "what is your opinion" NOT that the people suggested the gift amount.

    I think she only knows the amount because her husband told her. I guess I could be wrong
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  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    Agree with PPs that you are not obligated to give the same amount to the younger cousin, especially since you have experienced your own changes in the last two years.  You should give only what you can afford and what feels comfortable to both you and your DH.

    I would, however, consider this from the younger cousin's perspective too.  I wouldn't want him to think such drastic differences reflect your opinion of him compared to his sister.  Would it be possible for you to make a less drastic cut - say to $50, or to give $25 but to pair the check with something small that would make the gift feel different?  I don't think it would have to be big - some favorite snacks maybe or a smaller iTunes or Starbucks gift card might be things to consider.
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited May 2014
    JaclyneD said: Agree with PPs that you are not obligated to give the same amount to the younger cousin, especially since you have experienced your own changes in the last two years.  You should give only what you can afford and what feels comfortable to both you and your DH.

    I would, however, consider this from the younger cousin's perspective too.  I wouldn't want him to think such drastic differences reflect your opinion of him compared to his sister.  Would it be possible for you to make a less drastic cut - say to $50, or to give $25 but to pair the check with something small that would make the gift feel different?  I don't think it would have to be big - some favorite snacks maybe or a smaller iTunes or Starbucks gift card might be things to consider.

    -----Damn box-----
     I really like this suggestion.  No, of course you don't     have to give the same amount.  But because this is a brother/sister pair, chances are they or the parents do know the amount of the previous gift.  And you wouldn't want to hurt the younger brother's feelings.  Pair the $25 with a physical gift, or at least make it $50 or $75 if it wouldn't break the bank.

    Personally I think $100 is perfectly appropriate for a high school graduation as long as it's financially responsible for the giver.  Honestly $25 seems like it isn't enough.  But as PP said, it's not my opinion that counts on this.  It's your money.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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  • abt87abt87 member
    Sixth Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Thanks so much for the responses. I just needed a bit of reassurance that if we do give a lower amount ($50), that if anyone side eyes that, it won't reflect poorly on us. We tend to give more generously for wedding or college graduations, and not so much for HS graduations.
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  • SapphireCounselorSapphireCounselor member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    JCbride2015 said:


    JaclyneD said:


    Agree with PPs that you are not obligated to give the same amount to the younger cousin, especially since you have experienced your own changes in the last two years.  You should give only what you can afford and what feels comfortable to both you and your DH.

    I would, however, consider this from the younger cousin's perspective too.  I wouldn't want him to think such drastic differences reflect your opinion of him compared to his sister.  Would it be possible for you to make a less drastic cut - say to $50, or to give $25 but to pair the check with something small that would make the gift feel different?  I don't think it would have to be big - some favorite snacks maybe or a smaller iTunes or Starbucks gift card might be things to consider.


    -----Damn box-----



    I really like this suggestion.  No, of course you don't have to give the same amount.  But because this is a brother/sister pair, chances are they or the parents do know the amount of the previous gift.  And you wouldn't want to hurt the younger brother's feelings.  Pair the $25 with a physical gift, or at least make it $50 or $75 if it wouldn't break the bank.

    Personally I think $100 is perfectly appropriate for a high school graduation as long as it's financially responsible for the giver.  Honestly $25 seems like it isn't enough.  But as PP said, it's not my opinion that counts on this.  It's your money.


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  • tigersgirlgvtigersgirlgv member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I graduated high school 2 years after my older sister and my younger sister was about the same difference behind me. I don't think any of us remembered how much money anyone gave us (unless it had been a crazy generous amount like $500 or something).  It's not like we kept a list. I think you're fine giving whatever amount you are comfortable with.
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