Ugh. Guest vent.

CrazyCatLady3 · May 2014

OK, so FMIL tells me today that a couple she insisted on inviting at the last minute (that RSVPed yes) just told her that they have 2 weddings the day of my wedding, that they rsvp'ed yes for both, and that they are planning to come to our ceremony and cocktail hour and then leave to go to the other wedding. FMIL said she was speechless and didn't know what to say. I told FMIL that if they were not going to stay for dinner I prefer that they not come, because our caterer will still charge us the full per person price (which is quite high) for these guests, and they will miss 90% of the food and that it is wasteful. FMIL's response was that she felt bad but doesn't feel she can say anything, but that she knows they will give us a very generous gift. Now, I normally in no way expect guests to follow the "cover your plate" rule, but the fact is we are choosing to use a very high end venue/caterer, and even a very generous gift may not cover the cost for these two guests. I just feel that it's wasteful and disrepectful to know ahead of time you are going to miss 70% of a wedding and then rsvp yes anyway. I don't know if there's anything I can do but I'm just annoyed.

JCbride2015 · May 2014

CrazyCatLady3 said:

OK, so FMIL tells me today that a couple she insisted on inviting at the last minute (that RSVPed yes) just told her that they have 2 weddings the day of my wedding, that they rsvp'ed yes for both, and that they are planning to come to our ceremony and cocktail hour and then leave to go to the other wedding. FMIL said she was speechless and didn't know what to say. I told FMIL that if they were not going to stay for dinner I prefer that they not come, because our caterer will still charge us the full per person price (which is quite high) for these guests, and they will miss 90% of the food and that it is wasteful. FMIL's response was that she felt bad but doesn't feel she can say anything, but that she knows they will give us a very generous gift. Now, I normally in no way expect guests to follow the "cover your plate" rule, but the fact is we are choosing to use a very high end venue/caterer, and even a very generous gift may not cover the cost for these two guests. I just feel that it's wasteful and disrepectful to know ahead of time you are going to miss 70% of a wedding and then rsvp yes anyway. I don't know if there's anything I can do but I'm just annoyed.

I think they are totally in the wrong, but there's not much you can do. FMIL says the same thing all the time-- "You should invite these people you barely know, because they will give a generous gift!" Grrrrr. I would be so angry if I invited people I barely know to please FMIL, then they miss most of the wedding.

If these are FMIL's friends, she could try saying something like, "It's a shame you're going to miss dinner. It's going to be completely high-end and delicious" and see if they say anything. But it would probably damage her friendship if she just outright told them not to come.

Simply Fated · May 2014

Are you sure you could just not include them in the final head count, since they won't be joining you for dinner?

phira · May 2014

I feel a little weird not getting 100% confirmation from these guests yourself that they are not attending the reception. This is really rude of them, though. Ugh.

CrazyCatLady3 · May 2014

Simply Fated said:

Are you sure you could just not include them in the final head count, since they won't be joining you for dinner?

I don't think that would work. Ceremony, cocktail hour and dinner all at the same venue. The venue staff would count them coming in even if I didn't include them in the head count. If they came for JUST the ceremony I could tell my venue they would be leaving right after and not eating anything and they probably wouldn't charge me, but that's not going to fly once they start helping themselves to cocktail hour food and drinks. And my wedding is small enough that they wouldn't just get lost in the shuffle (~80 people).

FMIL said she would try to find a way to tactfully bring this up, and mentioned this couple had just planned their daughter's wedding so should understand costs, but I don't get how this didn't occur to them to begin with.

ETA, this is also rude to whoever else's wedding they're going to at the same day, as my ceremony is at 7 and cocktail hour is ending at 8:30, then they have to travel to the other wedding, getting there at the earliest say 9 pm (I have no idea how far it is) so they're also missing half of the other couple's wedding. Who knows if they'll even get there early enough to get dinner.

indianaalum · May 2014

It would be HORRIBLY rude to uninvite them. Weddings don't have contingencies. There is no "come to all, or come to none rule"

This is the way I look at it, they care enough to split the time. Most people would just skip under this circumstances. I would feel flattered, rather than annoyed. They are also coming to the MOST important part which is the ceremony.

I don't see it any different then a guest who comes and then doesn't eat their dinner. I couldn't tell you who did or did not eat their dinner the evening of my wedding. Should I be offended that they didn't eat their dinner since I paid for it.?!? They are going to give you the same gift whether they stay 30 minutes or 3 hours, so why does it matter? You were gonna pay for the meal either way. It sounds like they will be eating and drinking at cocktail hour which IS included in the price of the venue I am sure, so it's not like you are completely losing out anyhow. Again, what if they stayed and just didn't eat the dinner. Would THAT be rude??!

With that said, I would probably not add them to the count to the caterer.. Just to give it a shot to try to save money, BUT you should ABSOLUTELY give them seats in case they change their mind (or something changes with the other wedding)

phira · May 2014

@indianaalum Honestly, this wouldn't be rude if the guests had called the OP and said, "We're not able to make the whole wedding, but we'd love to attend the ceremony and cocktail hour. We just wanted to let you know so that you don't have to reserve seats for us at the reception."

By not letting the couple know (by just mentioning it to another guest), and by not being 100% clear, they're being impolite guests.

indianaalum · May 2014

CrazyCatLady3 said:

Simply Fated said:

Are you sure you could just not include them in the final head count, since they won't be joining you for dinner?

I don't think that would work. Ceremony, cocktail hour and dinner all at the same venue. The venue staff would count them coming in even if I didn't include them in the head count. If they came for JUST the ceremony I could tell my venue they would be leaving right after and not eating anything and they probably wouldn't charge me, but that's not going to fly once they start helping themselves to cocktail hour food and drinks. And my wedding is small enough that they wouldn't just get lost in the shuffle (~80 people).

FMIL said she would try to find a way to tactfully bring this up, and mentioned this couple had just planned their daughter's wedding so should understand costs, but I don't get how this didn't occur to them to begin with.

ETA, this is also rude to whoever else's wedding they're going to at the same day, as my ceremony is at 7 and cocktail hour is ending at 8:30, then they have to travel to the other wedding, getting there at the earliest say 9 pm (I have no idea how far it is) so they're also missing half of the other couple's wedding. Who knows if they'll even get there early enough to get dinner.

I disagree. These people are inconveniencing themselves to be nice and accomodate TWO weddings which will inevitable be difficult on them. These people are NICER than most, who would just skip the "less important" wedding.

They are trying to share on the special moment for botg and you are attacking them. That seems ungrateful to me.

In the end, people leave early for weddings. It doesn't make them rude, and sometimes people come late, it doesn't make them rude..unless they are just sitting on their arse at home playing a video game or something......

I had a good friend of mine whose brother was getting married they day after me which meant his wedding rehearsal fell on the day of my actual wedding. She tried and tried to come to my ceremony, but the distance of the weddings just made it impossible to maneuver. I was extremely flattered that she put into so much thought to try to come even a part of my wedding. It showed how truly much I mattered to her. In th end, she couldn't come but i would have GLADLY let her come to the ceremony only. Think about it THAT way

I think the TRUE issue is that you didn't really want these people invited. I almost guarantee if your situation was like the one I jsut described above, you'd feel differently.

indianaalum · May 2014

phira said:

@indianaalum Honestly, this wouldn't be rude if the guests had called the OP and said, "We're not able to make the whole wedding, but we'd love to attend the ceremony and cocktail hour. We just wanted to let you know so that you don't have to reserve seats for us at the reception."

By not letting the couple know (by just mentioning it to another guest), and by not being 100% clear, they're being impolite guests.

sure, it might have bee more ideal to talk to the couple, but the end result would be the same. You couldn't UNINVITE them because of it because there is NO rule that says you cant just come late of go early (ESP when a true conflict is present). Truth be told, they could have said NOTHING and people probably wouldn't have noticed. I had people leave my wedding early and I had no idea what time each person left. You are busy and you just don't even notice. They could have easily left and gone unnoticed

CMGragain · May 2014

You have invited the couple as guests. Whether or not they eat your "high end" food is really not your concern. You would have paid for it, either way.

mysticl · May 2014

CrazyCatLady3 said:

OK, so FMIL tells me today that a couple she insisted on inviting at the last minute (that RSVPed yes) just told her that they have 2 weddings the day of my wedding, that they rsvp'ed yes for both, and that they are planning to come to our ceremony and cocktail hour and then leave to go to the other wedding. FMIL said she was speechless and didn't know what to say. I told FMIL that if they were not going to stay for dinner I prefer that they not come, because our caterer will still charge us the full per person price (which is quite high) for these guests, and they will miss 90% of the food and that it is wasteful. FMIL's response was that she felt bad but doesn't feel she can say anything, but that she knows they will give us a very generous gift. Now, I normally in no way expect guests to follow the "cover your plate" rule, but the fact is we are choosing to use a very high end venue/caterer, and even a very generous gift may not cover the cost for these two guests. I just feel that it's wasteful and disrepectful to know ahead of time you are going to miss 70% of a wedding and then rsvp yes anyway. I don't know if there's anything I can do but I'm just annoyed.

That's right, YOU are choosing to us a very high end venue/caterer. That is not the fault of your guests. The truth is that they could attend every last second of your wedding and not eat a bite. The food would still be wasted.

I had friends who could not attend my full wedding because they had a family wedding the same day. The wife and their son attended my ceremony and then had lunch at my reception. They left before the cake to hit the next wedding that was a couple of miles down the road. Her husband didn't attend because he was in that other wedding. I was just happy my friend and her son were able to attend any part of my wedding.

CrazyCatLady3 · May 2014

I think it's the intention that is rude and wasteful. If they had to decline the wedding because of the other wedding, that would have been fine. If they came for the whole wedding and decided they weren't hungry and didn't feel like eating, well, then yes I would have paid anyway, but it wouldn't bother me as much.

Btw why do guests normally wait until after the cake cutting to leave a wedding (barring an emergency or whatnot)?

Also, if you were invited to a dinner party at someone's house, rsvp'ed yes, knew the person was counting you and preparing a meal/place setting for you but knew you intended to leave before dinner was served without telling them, would that not be rude? I mean, obviously this is not going to break our budget or we wouldn't have invited them to begin with, but it just really rubs me the wrong way.

CMGragain · May 2014

This is simply the custom and tradition.

The etiquette for a private dinner party is not the same as for a large reception. We had several guests who attended the ceremony, but were unable to stay for the reception.. We were honored to have them atten the ceremony.

CrazyCatLady3 · May 2014

CMGragain said:

This is simply the custom and tradition.

The etiquette for a private dinner party is not the same as for a large reception. We had several guests who attended the ceremony, but were unable to stay for the reception.. We were honored to have them atten the ceremony.

As I mentioned, if they would contact me and tell me they can only make the ceremony, I can make appropriate arrangements and this would not be an issue.

Viczaesar · May 2014

CrazyCatLady3 said:

I think it's the intention that is rude and wasteful. If they had to decline the wedding because of the other wedding, that would have been fine. If they came for the whole wedding and decided they weren't hungry and didn't feel like eating, well, then yes I would have paid anyway, but it wouldn't bother me as much.

Btw why do guests normally wait until after the cake cutting to leave a wedding (barring an emergency or whatnot)?

Also, if you were invited to a dinner party at someone's house, rsvp'ed yes, knew the person was counting you and preparing a meal/place setting for you but knew you intended to leave before dinner was served without telling them, would that not be rude? I mean, obviously this is not going to break our budget or we wouldn't have invited them to begin with, but it just really rubs me the wrong way.

Because they choose to? There is no etiquette rule that says that they need to stay for X amount of time at your party.

indianaalum · May 2014

CrazyCatLady3 said:

CMGragain said:

This is simply the custom and tradition.

The etiquette for a private dinner party is not the same as for a large reception. We had several guests who attended the ceremony, but were unable to stay for the reception.. We were honored to have them atten the ceremony.

As I mentioned, if they would contact me and tell me they can only make the ceremony, I can make appropriate arrangements and this would not be an issue.

however, they have told someone, so what would you possibly do different?? Would you be rude and tell them they can't come?!?

The outcome would be the same.

The truth is, this isn't REALLY about the food, it's about how you never really wanted them in the first place. I guarantee if it was one of your good friends and they had a genuine conflict, you would prefer they come for PART of the wedding, rather than NONE of the wedding.

If this is about a "gift" in your mind, they will probably give you the same gift if they come for 15 minutes or the entire time, so it's not like you are "losing" money because they left early and didn't eat their dinner. It's the same money, either way.

You keep viewing it as money loss, but if they are coming to the ceremony ,and eating appetizers and drinking, they are still part of the festivities so you are still hosting them. Like I said earlier, and others have also said, you would have no idea if they didn't eat their dinner if they stayed the entire time. This is truly no different.

I paid for a late night snack. Some people left before that. Should I be mad that they didn't consult with me and tell me they weren't staying until the end. After all, I did pay for the food. OF COURSE NOT. It was not their responsibilty to stay the entire time.

To me, you are being selfish. These people are obviously genuiniely TRYING to accomodate both weddings which is more than most people would do. Be gracious they care enough to try to do that, rather than finding fault in them

Last, everyone on here says how the ceremony is the most important part. They chose to attend your ceremony, so clearly they care enough to want to witness your marriage. They are present for the most important part. Do you REALLY REALLY care if they stay for dinner. It's not like they are eating with you. You wouldn't even notice them..and most friends' of parents don't stay much past dinner anyhow.

If you or your soon to be MIL even make a peep to them that they shouldn't come because they cant stay the whole time, THAT would be breaking ETIQUETTE. YOu invited them and to uninvite them because of your made up "you must stay the whole time" rule, then you would be the rude one and possibly damage their friendship

dwhereicome · May 2014

CrazyCatLady3 "I think it's the intention that is rude and wasteful."

No- actually the intention is wonderful. To come and witness you say meaningful vows to your future spouse. I cannot see how that is rude. Perhaps what they are doing to the OTHER couple - only going for the party- is rude, but not to you. In fact, I would wondering about a bride who would thinks I'm rude if I've managed to find time to come see her say vows but opted out of an expensive party. I would wonder where her priorities are.

CMGragain indianaalum have pointed out several times, once you invite people you invite them. Its really not your problem how long they stay (though I might be persuaded to say that to show up to a wedding reception for the sole hour in which the food is served- and then leave is rude- however that is not the case here).

In fact, it is way way ruder for your FMIL to pressure them to come to the whole thing or not come instead of telling them how honored she is that they managed to make it to the ceremony despite a scheduling conflict. The only polite way of dealing with this is by saying "thank you for coming". Period end of story.

And the focus on the gift- from you or her is wrong.

CrazyCatLady3 · May 2014

I still think it's rude. The couple should have told FMIL about the 2 weddings and asked if it was okay to come for part of the event. Then we would have seen about arranging it. The last wedding FI and I went to had several etiquette blunders and we were not having a good time at all. We still waited until after the cake was cut to leave. And I hardly think you can compare missing the entire reception with missing a late night snack.

ETA: I'm also not focusing on the gift. If all I cared about was gifts I could have just had an inexpensive wedding so we could "net" a positive. I'm merely pointing out that the excuse that they will give a big gift doesn't make me feel better.

CrazyCatLady3 · May 2014

I sent FMIL a message telling her not to pressure the couple not to come but to find out whether they are indeed not staying for dinner so we don't leave an open place setting for them. I don't want to appear to rescind the invitation because I want to take the high road. I am not happy about the situation but I'm going to let it go because there are other things to deal with right now.

sarals24 · May 2014

If this is the worst thing you have to deal with at your wedding, you're doing pretty well. This is seriously a non-issue. Worst case scenario, you pay for two people's dinner who don't eat. This isn't going to break the bank. (And if it is, you are spending WAY too much on your wedding). As others have said, it's sweet that they are making the time to come to your wedding at all. And I don't think you should mark them as a no...what if they get to your wedding and are having such a good time that they decide to stay, only to find out there is no place for them?

huskypuppy14 · May 2014

If they were coming for the ceremony and not coming to the reception, there would be no problem. People do that all the time. But coming for part of cocktail hour and then leaving before dinner is rude.

Obviously no shows happen and people don't eat their dinner, but I feel this situation is different.

CrazyCatLady3 · May 2014

CMGragain said:

This is simply the custom and tradition.

The etiquette for a private dinner party is not the same as for a large reception. We had several guests who attended the ceremony, but were unable to stay for the reception.. We were honored to have them atten the ceremony.

This is not what we tell newbies when they ask why it's rude to have a cash bar (i.e., "you wouldn't have someone come over to dinner and then charge them for a glass of wine.")

Viczaesar · May 2014

CrazyCatLady3 said:

I still think it's rude. The couple should have told FMIL about the 2 weddings and asked if it was okay to come for part of the event. Then we would have seen about arranging it. The last wedding FI and I went to had several etiquette blunders and we were not having a good time at all. We still waited until after the cake was cut to leave. And I hardly think you can compare missing the entire reception with missing a late night snack.

ETA: I'm also not focusing on the gift. If all I cared about was gifts I could have just had an inexpensive wedding so we could "net" a positive. I'm merely pointing out that the excuse that they will give a big gift doesn't make me feel better.

So? You don't get brownie points for that. It was your choice to stay that long. You would not have been breaking etiquette to leave earlier than that.

scrunchythief · May 2014

Can you still talk to your venue about this? Once you find out that they're definitely skipping dinner, of course. They might be willing to work with you. Our venue normally charges full price on drinks (soda, juice and alcohol) for children and adults, since they don't normally have many children at weddings. When we mentioned we would have 40-50 children (under 18) attending they were willing to work with us since it was a situation that they don't normally encounter.

But while it's annoying, I don't think there's much else to do about this situation.

Ugh. Guest vent.

Re: Ugh. Guest vent.

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