The ubiquitous name-change problem

kitsunegari89 · May 2014

Okay, so my hubs doesn't want me to take his name. He considers it a loss of my identity and knew I was on the fence about it to begin with. That said, we want kids, so what the hell do we call them? I don't want my kids to have his name only and neither does he, since it would be like they were his kids, and not mine too! I'm also not sure about hyphenated names, since that's really 1970s women's lib, and besides, what do the kids do when they get married and have kids? Plus, Marshall-Hutzler is a pretty hefty moniker for a little kid. But maybe they'll grow into it. Thoughts, ladies?

OliveOilsMom · May 2014

mrshutzler said:

Okay, so my hubs doesn't want me to take his name. He considers it a loss of my identity and knew I was on the fence about it to begin with. That said, we want kids, so what the hell do we call them? I don't want my kids to have his name only and neither does he, since it would be like they were his kids, and not mine too! I'm also not sure about hyphenated names, since that's really 1970s women's lib, and besides, what do the kids do when they get married and have kids? Plus, Marshall-Hutzler is a pretty hefty moniker for a little kid. But maybe they'll grow into it. Thoughts, ladies?

My friends' cousin has her maiden name for all of her kids middle names. Is that an option?

Blergbot · May 2014

I think the hyphenated name is great. That's got my vote.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

I have several friends who did mom's-maiden-as-middle for their kids. Seems to work for them.

I'm in general just not a fan of hyphenating.

phira · May 2014

My aunt and uncle did maiden-as-middle for all three of their kids.

I offered hyphenation, but my partner refused (which, honestly, I get--it's not for everyone). We're not sure what we're going to do. I want them to have my last name.

kitsunegari89 · May 2014

I might hyphenate after all. Oh well... I have a while to decide. We aren't having kids right away or anything.

JaxInBlue · May 2014

While I disagree with you about the hyphenating - and was a hyphenate before DH and I got married, I agree with PPs that maiden as middle name is nice. I moved part of my maiden name to my middle name when DH and I got married and just use all three names.

Depending on the last names you are working with, you could also do a combined last name for any future children. A person I went to high school with and her siblings were all Smithson*. Her mom's last name was Smith* and her dad's was Johnson* so they decided the kids would be Smithsons. I was a little harder to see the family connection as first, but it's what worked for them.

(*but not really)

kitsunegari89 · May 2014

JaclyneD said:

While I disagree with you about the hyphenating - and was a hyphenate before DH and I got married, I agree with PPs that maiden as middle name is nice. I moved part of my maiden name to my middle name when DH and I got married and just use all three names.

Depending on the last names you are working with, you could also do a combined last name for any future children. A person I went to high school with and her siblings were all Smithson*. Her mom's last name was Smith* and her dad's was Johnson* so they decided the kids would be Smithsons. I was a little harder to see the family connection as first, but it's what worked for them.

(*but not really)

My issue with the maiden-as-middle is that middle names are not really a big deal and my name would still be less "important" than my husband's name. You can go most of your life with most people not knowing or not caring to know your middle name. It's almost a secret name. For that reason, he doesn't want to do that, since we both want to start out on egalitarian terms with neither person being the dominant character in the relationship, though he suggested initially that the kids take my name which was also an unsatisfactory solution.

sophhabobopha · May 2014

I actually love your names hyphenated, its sounds good! I'm taking my FI's name so I'm not a bunch of help, but what if you two had the hypanated name, and were all Marshall-Hutzlers?

KGold80 · May 2014

I'm hyphenating, but both of our last names are pretty simple, so hyphenating doesn't result in a weird and incredibly complex name. I thought about moving my current last name (not maiden as I took my mom's family name when I got divorced instead of reverting back to my maiden name) to my middle name, but my middle name is important to my mom because she named me for her grandmother. I tried to convince my FI to hyphenate, too, but he didn't want to because of his business name.

I think your name is just fine hyphenated! Would your FI consider hyphenating his as well?

kitsunegari89 · May 2014

KGold80 said:

I'm hyphenating, but both of our last names are pretty simple, so hyphenating doesn't result in a weird and incredibly complex name. I thought about moving my current last name (not maiden as I took my mom's family name when I got divorced instead of reverting back to my maiden name) to my middle name, but my middle name is important to my mom because she named me for her grandmother. I tried to convince my FI to hyphenate, too, but he didn't want to because of his business name. I think your name is just fine hyphenated! Would your FI consider hyphenating his as well?

I didn't want to change my name because I'm a published illustrator and I don't want to have to start all over again with Google indexing. I don't think he wants to do anything to his name either. I'm sortof-kindof thinking about moving my maiden name to my middle name just so we both have the same name, but I dunno... I still feel like that's me losing ground.

sarals24 · May 2014

We have family friends who have two kids, and each has one parent's name as their last name. Quirky, but it actually works pretty well.

vanityink · May 2014

mrshutzler said:

KGold80 said:

I'm hyphenating, but both of our last names are pretty simple, so hyphenating doesn't result in a weird and incredibly complex name. I thought about moving my current last name (not maiden as I took my mom's family name when I got divorced instead of reverting back to my maiden name) to my middle name, but my middle name is important to my mom because she named me for her grandmother. I tried to convince my FI to hyphenate, too, but he didn't want to because of his business name. I think your name is just fine hyphenated! Would your FI consider hyphenating his as well?

I didn't want to change my name because I'm a published illustrator and I don't want to have to start all over again with Google indexing. I don't think he wants to do anything to his name either. I'm sortof-kindof thinking about moving my maiden name to my middle name just so we both have the same name, but I dunno... I still feel like that's me losing ground.

I’m not sure if it works for illustrators, but I’m an author and I took my husband’s name while keeping my maiden name as a pen name. I still do all my writing/editing work under my maiden name while legally having my husband’s name. Is that a possibility for illustrators? (I know some places you have to use your legal name, like if you’re a teacher, I believe? But you have more leeway in the arts, generally).

SapphireCounselor · May 2014

I had a really hard time with the idea of changing my name too. For so long I was dead set on strictly keeping my maiden name but I do feel a very strong connection with my in-laws that makes me proud to have their name too. So here is what we came up with. I hyphenated, which is akward sometimes but works for me, and our kids will have both of our last names without the hyphen. I love that my husband suggested this compromise that will honor both of our families. It may not work for everyone, but it works for us.

tortoisebride · May 2014

sarals24 said:

We have family friends who have two kids, and each has one parent's name as their last name. Quirky, but it actually works pretty well.

This is what my parents did too. It's fine. The only weird part is that they'd go to parent teacher nights and be Mr. & Mrs. Smith for my brother, and then two years later, they'd be Mr. & Mrs. Johnson for me while talking to the same teacher. It's not awkward at all.

twitterbird · May 2014

Everyone I know who kept their maiden names have children with their husband's last name. Their maiden name is not used at all so no hyphenation.

kitsunegari89 · May 2014

vanityink said:

mrshutzler said:

KGold80 said:

I'm hyphenating, but both of our last names are pretty simple, so hyphenating doesn't result in a weird and incredibly complex name. I thought about moving my current last name (not maiden as I took my mom's family name when I got divorced instead of reverting back to my maiden name) to my middle name, but my middle name is important to my mom because she named me for her grandmother. I tried to convince my FI to hyphenate, too, but he didn't want to because of his business name. I think your name is just fine hyphenated! Would your FI consider hyphenating his as well?

I didn't want to change my name because I'm a published illustrator and I don't want to have to start all over again with Google indexing. I don't think he wants to do anything to his name either. I'm sortof-kindof thinking about moving my maiden name to my middle name just so we both have the same name, but I dunno... I still feel like that's me losing ground.

I’m not sure if it works for illustrators, but I’m an author and I took my husband’s name while keeping my maiden name as a pen name. I still do all my writing/editing work under my maiden name while legally having my husband’s name. Is that a possibility for illustrators? (I know some places you have to use your legal name, like if you’re a teacher, I believe? But you have more leeway in the arts, generally).

My publishers require a legal name for tax purposes. I don't know if they would allow me a "pen name", but they probably would. I have illustrator friends who are Asian or have unpronounceable first names that come up with an Anglicized handle like Adela, or Julia and those aren't their legal names.

KeptInStitches · May 2014

I am not taking FI's last name (decided before we even got engaged - hey, if he couldn't hack it, I wasn't staying). We have already talked about what we'll do for any kids, and we decided they will have his last name and mine will not be in the picture at all. But I don't have a strong desire to continue passing my name along, so take that as you will.

vanityink · May 2014

mrshutzler said:

vanityink said:

mrshutzler said:

KGold80 said:

I'm hyphenating, but both of our last names are pretty simple, so hyphenating doesn't result in a weird and incredibly complex name. I thought about moving my current last name (not maiden as I took my mom's family name when I got divorced instead of reverting back to my maiden name) to my middle name, but my middle name is important to my mom because she named me for her grandmother. I tried to convince my FI to hyphenate, too, but he didn't want to because of his business name. I think your name is just fine hyphenated! Would your FI consider hyphenating his as well?

I didn't want to change my name because I'm a published illustrator and I don't want to have to start all over again with Google indexing. I don't think he wants to do anything to his name either. I'm sortof-kindof thinking about moving my maiden name to my middle name just so we both have the same name, but I dunno... I still feel like that's me losing ground.

I’m not sure if it works for illustrators, but I’m an author and I took my husband’s name while keeping my maiden name as a pen name. I still do all my writing/editing work under my maiden name while legally having my husband’s name. Is that a possibility for illustrators? (I know some places you have to use your legal name, like if you’re a teacher, I believe? But you have more leeway in the arts, generally).

My publishers require a legal name for tax purposes. I don't know if they would allow me a "pen name", but they probably would. I have illustrator friends who are Asian or have unpronounceable first names that come up with an Anglicized handle like Adela, or Julia and those aren't their legal names.

Yeah, my publisher has my legal name (since it's on all the contracts/needed for royalty payments, etc.) but everything put out to the public is my old name. It's actually part of the contract that only my pen name is to be used publicly (for marketing reasons, mostly). If I couldn't have done that, I'm pretty sure I would have had to have stayed with my maiden name and just used my husband's socially since I wasn't about to rework all my pre-marriage novels to fit in the series...

MandyMost · May 2014

I'm not changing my name. Any future kids I"m fine with having his last name--as someone else said, it's just biologically different with kids for men and women. I'll KNOW they're my kids, I don't need to put my name on them. ;-) Also, my name is incredibly common, so maybe that's why I don't feel as much of a connection with it. I come across people with the same last name as me all the time.

However, I do think I"ll want my name/heritage represented in the kids in some way, but with such a simple last name it can easily be a middle name or even a first name. With the names in the OP, you could easily name a kid Marshall Hutzler. And give hiim/her any middle name you want.

pinkshorts27 · May 2014

As someone about the marry a hyphenated name, I will always vote against hyphens. I never wanted a hyphenated name, but want to share my FH name. I asked if he wanted to drop one, but he doesn't want to drop his mom's name (she passed away) or his dad's (he is traditional and would be offended). He says I don't have to change my name, but it is important to me that we share last names.

Hofferin32 · May 2014

My mom kept her maiden name and I have her last name as my middle name. I'm so grateful that my parents spared me the hyphen! It's cumbersome, in my opinion. I have a pretty common first and last name, so I use my full (first middle last) name professionally. I actually really love that I have my mom's name as my middle name - It feels like a very important part of my name to me. I'm not changing my name when I get married, and when the time comes for kids, I'm thinking of giving boys my & my dad's last name as their middle name and girls my mom's last name as their middle name. My fiance was originally a little uncomfortable with the idea of us & our future kids not all having the same last name b/c he comes from a very traditional family, but it was our family's normal and we never thought twice about it, so once he realized that, it quickly became a non-issue.

adverb1129 · May 2014

I'm in the exact same boat! I didn't take my husband's last name and he didn't take mine. Everything is fine until there's a kid in the picture. We have decided that it doesn't make sense for our children to automatically have my husband's last name- why would that be the default assumption when I didn't change my name?

We have three different ideas (we also have lots of time because we aren't planning on starting a family soon):

*Hyphenate or have two last names without a hyphen

*Create a portmanteau and mash our last names together (like former Los Angeles mayor Villairagosa who started out life as a Villar and then married a woman with the last name Raigosa)

*Pick a last name for our child that isn't either of our last names. This could be a last name with sentimental significance or special meaning. My boss is from a family where the parents gave each of their children a different last name- she said this never seemed strange to her growing up and didn't make her feel like her family was less together or less unified or anything.

Our names actually sound pretty cure mashed together but I'm a little worried that picking a different last name for the kids will be a choice that my in-laws won't respect or that they treat like a joke. That won't be a huge deal in the lifespan of our children but it is something I've thought about.

Inkdancer · May 2014

I am taking my current last name as an additional middle and adopting FI's last name when we're married, but I will be publishing under my birth name as a pen name. Take whatever name you want, don't worry about publishing. George Eliot wasn't named George Eliot!

selenathegreat · May 2014

Hyphenate here, and I love my name, EVEN if it's a PITA to spell over the phone. I am SUPER Googlable, though. Not changing and not entirely sure what to do re: kids yet. We might flip a coin or give girls one name and boys another.

Props to everybody who is going through this. I am very glad my mom kept her name or it may not have occurred to me that I could too. It's totally OK to change your name if that's your (non-coerced) choice, but unless some people buck tradition it will never be really questioned.

I knew a family whose names were "Carr" and "Hess" and their kid's name "Caress." That was pretty cool. Let's just say that's not an option with my unwieldy name!

good2Bqueen13 · May 2014

I have never understood the loss of identity or "stature" in a relationship due to a name change, but I assume it's just because of my own family dynamics. But I definitely think that if a woman feels like a name change is a loss, then she shouldn't change it. No one deserves to feel a loss on what should be a special occasion, so I say do whatever feels right and realize that there may be an inconvenience with the choice, but it's surely better than feeling you've lost am important part of your identity. That said, I only know one person who had a hyphenated name, given to him by his parents and he loathed it. Oh, and I also have a good friend who didn't change her name legally, but went by her married name except for legal purposes. I wonder if you could do the opposite? Maybe change you name for legal purposes, but continue to use your maiden name? That way your children would still have the same last name as you?

littlered2014 · May 2014

If FI doesn't want you to take his name, and you don't want to hyphenate, you can always both choose a new last name as a married couple together. That way its not like he is stealing your identity or you his, but both creating a new one together. Its not a popular option, but both partners are allowed a free name change in most states after getting married, and you can pick a completely new one.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

I won't change my name. Current plan is to have two kids someday. First one will have my last name if it's a girl, and his last name if it's a boy. The second child will have the other last name. A third child, who knows, my mom's maiden name, his mom's maiden name?

ShesSoCold · May 2014

I LOVE that some of you know people who have and/or would combine names.

It's really important to him that I take him name. I'm not against taking my husband's name in general, I just really dislike his last name.

But his last name starts with "Sh" and the next two letters are the same as the first two of my last name. We could very easily combine - we did with our dog.

And we don't want kids so that's not an issue.

I'm using y'all as ammo to get us both to take our dog's last name.

NYCBruin · May 2014

good2Bqueen13 said:

I have never understood the loss of identity or "stature" in a relationship due to a name change, but I assume it's just because of my own family dynamics. But I definitely think that if a woman feels like a name change is a loss, then she shouldn't change it. No one deserves to feel a loss on what should be a special occasion, so I say do whatever feels right and realize that there may be an inconvenience with the choice, but it's surely better than feeling you've lost am important part of your identity. That said, I only know one person who had a hyphenated name, given to him by his parents and he loathed it. Oh, and I also have a good friend who didn't change her name legally, but went by her married name except for legal purposes. I wonder if you could do the opposite? Maybe change you name for legal purposes, but continue to use your maiden name? That way your children would still have the same last name as you?

I second this. It's not like I picked my last name. I figure if I change my name, I'm picking my FI's last name and if I don't I'm picking my father's last name. Either way I'm taking/keeping a man's name.

The ubiquitous name-change problem

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