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Postponed the wedding. . .

cftaylor2013cftaylor2013 member
First Comment
in Wedding Woes
I am livid, devastated and humiliated.  This seems like a good forum to serve as a sounding board!

My fiance and I postponed our wedding.

In a nutshell, his parents - specifically his mother - convinced him to do it.  I really feel compelled to go along with this decision.

Here's some back story.  Advice would be appreciated please.

We got engaged in November on the beach in San Diego at sunset.  I decided it would be fabulous to get married also on the beach at sunset in San Diego!  My fiance agreed.  We come to San Diego with his family every year for Thanksgiving, so I suggested we do it this year in November.  He vehemently stated that he didn't want to wait that long when I suggested it.  So we planned a San Diego wedding in July of this year.

We are Catholic.  I have been married before and divorced.  That marriage has not been annulled in the catholic church yet.  I have just not started the process.  All along this has been openly communicated to my fiance and he has been fine with getting married by an officiant, while working on the annulment.  Then the plan was to get our marriage blessed by the church after we are married and my annulment has gone through.  

His parents have known that we are getting married in San Diego in July for months!!!  

We sent out Save the Date cards last week.  We were working actively to secure a very large beach house to hold our wedding and small gathering afterward/reception.  Very casual, elegant, intimate.  We only invited parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts/uncles.

His parents "had questions" yesterday, so he went to their house to discuss these questions.  I did not go; I really did not see any of this coming.  However, he said last evening that his parents suggested we postpone the wedding untill after I got my annullment from the Catholic church for my first marriage.  I initially blew that off; I said "well that ship has sailed.  If they had reservations, they should have voiced those months ago."  However, then my fiance went into a barrage of reservations about holding the wedding in July, suggesting we hold it in November!  I suggested that at the beginning, and he did not want to.  But now it's a good idea because his parents suggest it?!  Also, he pointed out that he suddenly feels "weird" about having a non-Catholic officiant do our ceremony.

In the end, I agreed to postpone the wedding, mainly because all the joy has been sucked out of it because of these reservations of his, and frankly because of his parents' meddling.




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Re: Postponed the wedding. . .

  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I disagree with this statement:  "In a nutshell, his parents - specifically his mother - convinced him to do it.  I really feel compelled to go along with this decision".

    You should feel compelled to run.  That's a pretty big damn decision to let your mother control and this won't be changing.
    �
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  • cftaylor2013cftaylor2013 member
    First Comment
    I feel compelled because the joy has been sucked from this wedding. I mailed the postponement post cards this morning. I definitely considering running; still am. . . At the end of the day, though, I am the one he is sharing his life with so I have the power. I am insistent that we distance ourselves from his parents. What's more, when we do the wedding, it will be over my dead body that his parents have any part of it. I'm considering elopement with nobody but he and I present.
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    so when your fILs decide that any other major life decision needs to be managed in the way they think is best, you and your FI are just going to go along with it? 

    (if/when to have children and how to raise them, what house to buy/where to buy it/when to buy it, what to do with your time, should you work or be a SAHM, etc.)

    If you're not ready for a lifetime of "WWILs do?," then I'd suggest considering breaking off the engagement and seeing if your mama's boy comes to his senses. 
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  • JasperandOpalJasperandOpal member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    I think you should view this as a blessing, you and your FI have quite a bit to work out. Your FI and his family think that it is ok to hold a meeting where they determined things that will greatly impact your future without you present. That is not ok. If your FI had problems marrying you before the annulment goes through he should have come to you. You both need to talk about this. His parents are only able to meddle because he allows them to and if he allows them to meddle in this decision, they will meddle in all important decisions for the rest of your life. You don't have the power right now, because if you did, you would not be postponing your wedding. Now that you are postponing though, take this time to work on your relationship and to communicate with your FI about the life you want to have together.
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  • schellzinatorschellzinator member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    This whole situation sucks for you. However, the postponement may not necessarily be a bad thing.  From the sounds of it, you and your fiance could probably use the extra time to continue strengthening your relationship.  I don't think that relationships should be about who holds the "power."  They should be about supporting  each other and being open with one another. It sounds like he may have had reservations about marrying you before the annulment has been completed, but may not have voiced those concerns. Take this extra time to maybe see a counselor and begin working on communicating openly with your fiance.  As for his parents meddling, that is something your FI needs to work on.
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Speaking as a practising Catholic, I understand the decision to postpone based on your lack of annulment.

    THAT BEING SAID....it needs to be a decision YOU TWO arrive at without interference from his parents. It seems like he was OK with this until his parents told him he shouldn't be.

    And that is not OK. You need to feel compelled to run far, far away from this mama's boy and his meddling parents. This is a harbinger of things to come in your marriage.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • delujm0delujm0 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    If your plan is to get married on the beach in San Diego, can you even have a Catholic ceremony?  It was my understanding (though I was raised Catholic but don't actively participate in the religion now) that a Catholic wedding had to happen in a Catholic church.

     

    So anyway, what I'm saying is: if your FI wants a Catholic wedding now, you might also have to change your location (I inferred from the original post that you were getting married ON THE BEACH, but that could be incorrect).  My parents were raised Catholic and were married on a beach by a non-Catholic (they were hippies...it was the 70's) and my mother never returned to the Church.  Which actually worked out pretty well for my father when he remarried in the Catholic church, because he didn't need to annull something that the Church never recognized to beign with.

     

    You need to talk about this with your FI.  You have a FI problem.  You suggested this same thing to him and he disagreed, but his parents mention it and he sides with them?  That is a problem.  He needs to be on your side before he's on theirs.

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