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Etiquette

Difficult Mother or am I just too impatient?

I am starting to get the feeling that my mother is trying to sabotage my wedding but I need an outside perspective.

A little back story: my relationship with my family has been strained since I moved in with my fiance (then bf) two years ago. They are pretty conservative and were against us living together. Leading up to the engagement, my mother told me I was pushing and pressuring him for a ring, because I had been the one to bring up marriage (again she's conservative and a "rules" kind of woman). She told me I would never know for sure if he really wanted to get married or if I pushed him into it.

When we did get engaged I was worried about telling her at first but she was surprisingly happy for us and immediately offered to throw the wedding for us. I was so happy and pleased that for the first time in a long time, our relationship seemed less strained.

Fast forward 6 months, I haven't been able to get her to set a budget, discuss guest lists, priorities, or even attend a venue visit. I went on a few on my own but was met with push back on why those venues won't work and also told she didn't have the funds to put a deposit down. Every time I try to bring up the wedding, she makes me feel guilty that she is so busy planning my grandmother's funeral (she passed 10 months ago) and then I feel terrible.

However, after being engaged for 6 months without planning a single aspect of the wedding I am feeling like maybe this just isn't a priority for her and perhaps we should consider taking back the reins and respectfully declining her offer to host. I want the planning of my wedding to be happy, joyous, and about me and my fiance's love and commit to each other, not about pulling teeth and battling with my mom.

I don't have any other really close females in my life to discuss this kind of thing with and I know all the TK ladies have smart heads on their shoulders - am I being impatient and inconsiderate?

Re: Difficult Mother or am I just too impatient?

  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I absolutely think you should decline her offer. Pay for the wedding yourselves. I'm sorry she's being difficult. 

    PrettyGirlLostcowgirl8238
  • Decline her offer. Host the wedding you and your FI can afford. Share no wedding details beyond what is utterly necessary with her.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    PrettyGirlLostcowgirl8238
  • Wait a minute, your grandmother has been dead for almost a year and hasn't been buried yet??

    I would definitely decline your mom's offer and pay for my own wedding.
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I am with PPs. So sorry you are going through this! The best thing would be for you to decline her offer that way you and your FI will get to pln on your timeline and have the wedding that you both want.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    ktbdid said:
    I am starting to get the feeling that my mother is trying to sabotage my wedding but I need an outside perspective.

    A little back story: my relationship with my family has been strained since I moved in with my fiance (then bf) two years ago. They are pretty conservative and were against us living together. Leading up to the engagement, my mother told me I was pushing and pressuring him for a ring, because I had been the one to bring up marriage (again she's conservative and a "rules" kind of woman). She told me I would never know for sure if he really wanted to get married or if I pushed him into it.

    When we did get engaged I was worried about telling her at first but she was surprisingly happy for us and immediately offered to throw the wedding for us. I was so happy and pleased that for the first time in a long time, our relationship seemed less strained.

    Fast forward 6 months, I haven't been able to get her to set a budget, discuss guest lists, priorities, or even attend a venue visit. I went on a few on my own but was met with push back on why those venues won't work and also told she didn't have the funds to put a deposit down. Every time I try to bring up the wedding, she makes me feel guilty that she is so busy planning my grandmother's funeral (she passed 10 months ago) and then I feel terrible.

    However, after being engaged for 6 months without planning a single aspect of the wedding I am feeling like maybe this just isn't a priority for her and perhaps we should consider taking back the reins and respectfully declining her offer to host. I want the planning of my wedding to be happy, joyous, and about me and my fiance's love and commit to each other, not about pulling teeth and battling with my mom.

    I don't have any other really close females in my life to discuss this kind of thing with and I know all the TK ladies have smart heads on their shoulders - am I being impatient and inconsiderate?
    PP have given great advice. I would just add that if your mom said she cannot afford to pay deposits, then take that as a cue to plan your own wedding. If at anytime she tries to protest that she wanted to host your wedding, then tell her that while you appreciated her offer, she kept saying the deposits were too much for her and you didn't want her to be financially strapped at any point. While she may not be sabotaging your wedding, she may still be greiving her mother and is having difficulty focusing on such a joyous occasion.
    Inkdancer
  • You cannot depend on your mother to finance or help you with your wedding.  Plan something very simple that you can afford yourself.  My sister had a lovely wedding in a city park with picnic food and a sheet cake from the grocery store.  You don't need to spend a lot of money to have a beautiful wedding.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Yep, you should decline and plan the wedding you want with the budget you have.  Sounds like your mom is just not focused on your wedding, which is fine, but you shouldn't be pulling teeth to get the wedding planned.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Decline the offer.  Your mother may not be actively sabotaging your wedding, but she clearly isn't willing or able to give it the attention it deserves.  Plan your wedding without your mother's involvement.
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    And ditto on not sharing any details with her. That's good advice too. 

  • ktbdidktbdid member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Thank you all for the replies and excellent advice!
    ohannabelle
  • Also, don't be afraid to share your comments/questions and excitment here. I know many of these ladies love hearing about other peoples weddings!!
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    A few thoughts come to mind: Funerals can be very expensive. (  http://funeral-tips.com/how-much-does-the-average-funeral-cost/  )Your mom could still be paying it off. If her mother's death was unexpected or if your mom was her caregiver, she could be having a hard time dealing with her loss. There could be other financial problems that you don't know about. 

    You and your fi should decide on how much you can afford to spend on your wedding and plan accordingly. If your mother decides to contribute, you can raise your budget later. Don't make plans involving her money until you have her check in hand. If she does contribute, you should involve her in the planning process. 

    *copied from duplicate thread
                       
  • Both our parents kind of offered to put in for the wedding costs; but we are just going at it like as if we were planning and executing within our budget (regardless if they do give us money). This is how I would approach it. If you assume you are going to get money and plan accordingly, then you are begging for drama. 

    Good luck with wedding planning!
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • ktbdid said:
    I am starting to get the feeling that my mother is trying to sabotage my wedding but I need an outside perspective.

    A little back story: my relationship with my family has been strained since I moved in with my fiance (then bf) two years ago. They are pretty conservative and were against us living together. Leading up to the engagement, my mother told me I was pushing and pressuring him for a ring, because I had been the one to bring up marriage (again she's conservative and a "rules" kind of woman). She told me I would never know for sure if he really wanted to get married or if I pushed him into it.

    When we did get engaged I was worried about telling her at first but she was surprisingly happy for us and immediately offered to throw the wedding for us. I was so happy and pleased that for the first time in a long time, our relationship seemed less strained.

    Fast forward 6 months, I haven't been able to get her to set a budget, discuss guest lists, priorities, or even attend a venue visit. I went on a few on my own but was met with push back on why those venues won't work and also told she didn't have the funds to put a deposit down. Every time I try to bring up the wedding, she makes me feel guilty that she is so busy planning my grandmother's funeral (she passed 10 months ago) and then I feel terrible.

    However, after being engaged for 6 months without planning a single aspect of the wedding I am feeling like maybe this just isn't a priority for her and perhaps we should consider taking back the reins and respectfully declining her offer to host. I want the planning of my wedding to be happy, joyous, and about me and my fiance's love and commit to each other, not about pulling teeth and battling with my mom.

    I don't have any other really close females in my life to discuss this kind of thing with and I know all the TK ladies have smart heads on their shoulders - am I being impatient and inconsiderate?
    I agree with pp (and op) that at this point it may be cleanest just to decline her assistance and plan the wedding you want. I actually wonder if expenses, either because of the furneral or some other reason, snuck up her and her doesn't have the money she thought she would and that's why she's delaying when being faced with actually booking things and putting deposits down. Either way, she's preoccupied and you want to start planning your wedding. A decline seems like a win-win.
    image
  • Sugargirl1019Sugargirl1019 Deep in the Heart of Texas member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    If it's taking over a year to bury your dear grandmother, just imagine how long it will take to get you married if you let her pay!

    *I'm snarky this evening, I apologize.

    image   image   image

    yogablossomTeddy917
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