Should I offer to pay for my plate/lost money

TerriHugg · May 2014

A close friend of mine is getting married out of state in two weeks. I has planned on attending and already rsvp'd. However, due to personal matter my husband and I can no longer go. I plan on contacting her tomorrow to tell her this. However, I'm worried about the money she may lose because of my changed RSVP. In a previous conversation she told me the caterers were not flexible with head counts and still charge full price plus a fee for last minute changes. I was wondering if I should offer to pay her for money she'll lose because of my inability to attend now.

However, I'm wondering if that's rude.

phira · May 2014

That really sucks

How far after the RSVP deadline are you? Honestly, I'd consider a last minute change to be closer to the wedding than 2 weeks, although it sounds like her caterer is inflexible enough that they might have a super early headcount deadline.

I'm not sure what to think about offering to make up for the lost money. As a bride, I probably would just be sorry you couldn't come, and wouldn't be thinking about the lost plate. And I'd like decline if you offered to pay, and I'd be confused about why you were offering.

If you feel really guilty about the money, instead of offering to pay for your plate, I'd just send a more substantial check (if you're giving money) or buy another gift off the registry (if you're not).

KGold80 · May 2014

She may not have given a head count to her caterer yet, so I would call her ASAP to let her know of your change in plans. I know mine isn't due until a week before and it seems many have similar policies.

I don't know if it's rude, so I will let others comment on that, but I personally wouldn't dream of accepting extra money from a guest who had a last minute change in plans and offered to cover their plate. Stuff happens. If you're really concerned about the cost, maybe send a gift in the form of a check that is a little more than you would have given otherwise and say nothing else about it? She won't have to say no (or yes) and you will still have given her some $$ to put toward it.

Grabows14 · May 2014

If it were me, I would send a wedding card to them with the intended amount of money I was going to give them at the reception. I wouldn't tack on an extra amount for not being able to attend. Edit: Words

huskypuppy14 · May 2014

I think if you tell her ASAP and send a gift (money or otherwise) you've done the best you can. Things happen. She's still 2 weeks away, and would probably appreciate the heads up.

My opinion, as someone whose wedding is in 1 month, is once I give the venue our numbers, and they give us a bill, that is the amount we owe. If someone can't come, it sucks, but I've already paid the money, so it doesn't make a difference. Of course I'd be bummed if they couldn't come, but it's not about the money at that point.

lalalorelai · May 2014

I had RSVP'd for a wedding this Saturday, but I found out yesterday that my aunt passed away and I will be heading to Michigan for the funeral. I called up the bride ASAP and told her the situation. She was so sweet and actually told me that my family would be in her thoughts & prayers (of course I told her to only think of happy things this weekend!). My plan is to send her a card with a check for the same amount I would have given her had I been able to attend. I think that will be fine.

TerriHugg · May 2014

Thanks ladies. I like the idea of sending her a check as a gift. However, I actually already ordered a wedding gift from her registry and arranged to have sent it her. That's why I'm wondering if I should call and offer to send some money to cover my plate. This would have been do much easier if I didn't already send a gift.

indianaalum · May 2014

Honestly? I would just call her and tell her the truth. No offer to pay, that just seems tacky. Just make sure you still send the same gift you would have come had you showed up. That way, it's less of a blow to them because either way, it's not costing them any more/less money than if you showed up.

The reality is...no shows bug people MORE when that person doesn't even bother to call/acknowledge they miss wedding and then send no gift. that is when people feel like their money just got wasted....

blabla89 · May 2014

I don't think you need to compensate her for any lost money as it's a friend's wedding and not a business deal. I would just send whatever gift you were planning to give her at the wedding - if that was cash in an amount that would cover your plate, then that's great, although it certainly isn't required.

ohoymate · May 2014

Repost: (These damn double/triple threads are killing me).

From my perspective (we're about a week and a half out from our wedding), I would very much appreciate someone reaching out to me and letting me know that they couldn't make it. Much better than realizing day of that they weren't there with no communication. However, I would feel pretty uncomfortable if the person offered to pay for their meal.

I think we all know that things come up and people can't always attend an event even after sending in their RSVP. Often those RSVP due dates are weeks before the wedding. I would be more upset that the friend/loved one couldn't make it than the fact that I 'still had to pay' for them in their absence.

I realize that doesn't answer the rudeness question, but my hunch is even if it's not technically 'rude', it would be uncomfortable for you and her.

Jen4948 · May 2014

Having to accept a changed RSVP close to one's wedding is difficult, but it's better than someone no-showing.

That said, you don't really know how much your plate cost, so if you asked to "cover your plate," it might turn out that you can't afford it. Also, even though I'm sure you want to make your change of RSVP as painless for your friend as possible, offering to cover your plate might inadvertently make her feel like you're rubbing it in that you can't come. I might give her an additional gift instead.

Blue & White · May 2014

Our final counts were due 1 week out, so hopefully she can adjust the final counts when you call. That being said, I also missed a wedding last year due to sickness and didn't pay for my plate, but FI (at the time) went and we still gave the same gift we normally would have.

annathy03 · May 2014

I wouldn't offer to "cover your plate" b/c that's just awkward. B&G will be bummed you can't make it, but it isn't as if it costs them more money for you to not come than if you could make it.

Just let them know ASAP, my vendor counts were due 2 weeks out but could increase up to 5% after, but it isn't as if they needed the guest names from me at that point. So if someone else was suddenly able to make it that had declined, they wouldn't have to increase numbers and it could end up being a wash with your late decline, KWIM?

Aray82 · May 2014

No need to offer that. Stuff happens, as KGold80 said, and you RSVP'd before you could even forsee anything else coming up. IF you want to send a gift, I'd do that instead--but again, completely not necessary.

This happened to me recently. I RSVP'd at the beginning of April for a wedding this Saturday. Then, about three weeks ago, I was completely blindsided by a cancer diagnosis--never, ever something I'd thought could happen at this point of my life, let alone between a wedding and an RSVP! They needed to start chemo right away and FI is going with me for most of the treatments. One of the drugs gives you a fever and I'll be in the "fever part" of the cycle on the wedding day. The only party I'll be attending includes sweatpants, ginger ale, and Netfix.

I did tell the bride just in case she was still able to save some money and adjust the headcount. Needless to say, she completely understood and was much more sorry to hear about the diagnosis than about any wasted plates. Since they are good friends and I went through my entire graduate program with her and her FI, I will be sending a gift but not at all from any sense of obligation to "cover our plates."

Jen4948 · May 2014

Aray82 said:

No need to offer that. Stuff happens, as KGold80 said, and you RSVP'd before you could even forsee anything else coming up. IF you want to send a gift, I'd do that instead--but again, completely not necessary.

This happened to me recently. I RSVP'd at the beginning of April for a wedding this Saturday. Then, about three weeks ago, I was completely blindsided by a cancer diagnosis--never, ever something I'd thought could happen at this point of my life, let alone between a wedding and an RSVP! They needed to start chemo right away and FI is going with me for most of the treatments. One of the drugs gives you a fever and I'll be in the "fever part" of the cycle on the wedding day. The only party I'll be attending includes sweatpants, ginger ale, and Netfix.

I did tell the bride just in case she was still able to save some money and adjust the headcount. Needless to say, she completely understood and was much more sorry to hear about the diagnosis than about any wasted plates. Since they are good friends and I went through my entire graduate program with her and her FI, I will be sending a gift but not at all from any sense of obligation to "cover our plates."

So sorry about the bolded. I hope chemo is able to help you.

KittyKaty20 · May 2014

We had 20 people who had rsvp'd "yes" NOT show up to the reception; due to some other guests having another event later that day, some left before dinner. I was seriously irritated that only 5 of those who didn't show even let me know beforehand, but on the bright side, we had plenty of food for those who wanted extra.

You do not need to offer to cover your plate.

kitty8403 · May 2014

It's sweet of you to offer, but no.
If I invited you to my house for an expensive meal and you couldn't make it at the last minute, I wouldn't expect you to pay for my ingredients. To me, this is a similar situation. I do appreciate a heads up, though.

kgd7357 · May 2014

The biggest thing I would want is just to know ASAP. The sooner the better to give me time to rearrange tables if needed. Also, while we couldn't get out of pre ordered food, we could get out of the per head bar fee if we know ahead of time, even one day before. And at $90/head that would really help.

Should I offer to pay for my plate/lost money

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