How much chaos will ensue...?

MW5280 · April 2014

If we register for a charity/nonprofit instead of registering for things we don't need or want?

We completely agree that 'honeyfunds' are tacky and, much as we need things to fix up our house, we don't really want to ask for gifts of flooring or plumbing :-p

The kink in this whole thing? I have at least 2 showers coming my direction and I really don't want to return the toasters and things people will give us because, frankly, it's a shower.

Thanks for any ideas/thoughts/past experiences you can share!

(PS - totally new to the posting thing. Longtime on the lurking though!)

misshart00 · April 2014

If you don't want physical gifts, you shouldn't have a shower. Charity registries are considered tacky. However, you can take all the cash you do get for wedding gifts and donate it.

MobKaz · April 2014

If you have lurked for a while, then you understand that the point of a shower is to literally shower the bride with gifts. Many brides have created registries at home improvement stores. Are there tools or other things you could register for at one of those stores? Do you honestly not need to update any household goods, such as linens, towels, or other items?

The best way to avoid making returns then, is to simply decline the showers. Honestly, I would not be happy to have spent the time and money to purchase a gift for you, only to know you plan on returning it. Even though a charitable donation may be noble, it is still asking for cash. Asking for cash under any guise is inappropriate.

chibiyui · April 2014

If you don't want to register, you should decline all showers.

Just give any momey you receive to a charity of your choice, don't "register" for it.

netskyblue2 · April 2014

Or ask those who have offered to host if they would consider a bridal tea/luncheon/brunch instead of a shower. They can still host an event for you, but it becomes a non-gift-giving event.

mysticl · April 2014

Not everyone may agree that your choice of charity is "worthy" of assistance. It may be they don't like the cause or that they don't agree with the business practices of that particular organization. It can also come across as you saying "Look at us, aren't we such wonderful people for giving up wedding gifts to help the ………….".

Like others said decline the showers and donate any cash gifts to charity.

kla728 · April 2014

misshart00 said:

If you don't want physical gifts, you shouldn't have a shower. Charity registries are considered tacky. However, you can take all the cash you do get for wedding gifts and donate it.

I agree with the first statement but have to ask -- do a majority of folks feel that charity registries are tacky? I have not seen this viewpoint expressed widely on here.

I know there is a huge consensus that honeyfunds are a no-no, but haven't seen this issue talked about as much. I have a background working for and volunteering with a number of non-profits, so I acknowledge that I have a skewed perspective on this. But I wouldn't think twice if on the registries page of a couple's wedding website or something they wrote 'in lieu of gifts interested guests might consider a donation to XYZ organization' or something like that. Particularly if it was a cause near and dear to their hearts. Just curious what most folks think.

mysticl · April 2014

kla728 said:

misshart00 said:

If you don't want physical gifts, you shouldn't have a shower. Charity registries are considered tacky. However, you can take all the cash you do get for wedding gifts and donate it.

I agree with the first statement but have to ask -- do a majority of folks feel that charity registries are tacky? I have not seen this viewpoint expressed widely on here.

I know there is a huge consensus that honeyfunds are a no-no, but haven't seen this issue talked about as much. I have a background working for and volunteering with a number of non-profits, so I acknowledge that I have a skewed perspective on this. But I wouldn't think twice if on the registries page of a couple's wedding website or something they wrote 'in lieu of gifts interested guests might consider a donation to XYZ organization' or something like that. Particularly if it was a cause near and dear to their hearts. Just curious what most folks think.

I'm not going to condemn a couple for it but if I don't agree with the cause I won't give them my money either. I don't care how near and dear it is to their heart. If the couple wants the charity to have money they can give them any cash gifts they receive.

AddieCake · April 2014

I agree with everyone above. Decline a shower if you don't want gifts and plan to return them and registering for a charity is likely to rub many guests the wrong way.

gothic_fairy60 · April 2014

You should also page the knot gods and ask them to change your screen name. It is never smart to use your real name.

kla728 · April 2014

mysticl said:

kla728 said:

misshart00 said:

If you don't want physical gifts, you shouldn't have a shower. Charity registries are considered tacky. However, you can take all the cash you do get for wedding gifts and donate it.

I agree with the first statement but have to ask -- do a majority of folks feel that charity registries are tacky? I have not seen this viewpoint expressed widely on here.

I know there is a huge consensus that honeyfunds are a no-no, but haven't seen this issue talked about as much. I have a background working for and volunteering with a number of non-profits, so I acknowledge that I have a skewed perspective on this. But I wouldn't think twice if on the registries page of a couple's wedding website or something they wrote 'in lieu of gifts interested guests might consider a donation to XYZ organization' or something like that. Particularly if it was a cause near and dear to their hearts. Just curious what most folks think.

I'm not going to condemn a couple for it but if I don't agree with the cause I won't give them my money either. I don't care how near and dear it is to their heart. If the couple wants the charity to have money they can give them any cash gifts they receive.

I definitely agree with not giving to a cause I don't agree with. Actually if they had indicated a cause I don't agree with, I would be most likely to give a physical gift instead of cash because I would hate to think of my cash gift ending up with that cause even if it wasn't a direct donation. Only a few things that would make me feel that way though, and honestly unlikely to be an issue with my friends and family.

mysticl · April 2014

kla728 said:

mysticl said:

kla728 said:

misshart00 said:

If you don't want physical gifts, you shouldn't have a shower. Charity registries are considered tacky. However, you can take all the cash you do get for wedding gifts and donate it.

I agree with the first statement but have to ask -- do a majority of folks feel that charity registries are tacky? I have not seen this viewpoint expressed widely on here.

I know there is a huge consensus that honeyfunds are a no-no, but haven't seen this issue talked about as much. I have a background working for and volunteering with a number of non-profits, so I acknowledge that I have a skewed perspective on this. But I wouldn't think twice if on the registries page of a couple's wedding website or something they wrote 'in lieu of gifts interested guests might consider a donation to XYZ organization' or something like that. Particularly if it was a cause near and dear to their hearts. Just curious what most folks think.

I'm not going to condemn a couple for it but if I don't agree with the cause I won't give them my money either. I don't care how near and dear it is to their heart. If the couple wants the charity to have money they can give them any cash gifts they receive.

I definitely agree with not giving to a cause I don't agree with. Actually if they had indicated a cause I don't agree with, I would be most likely to give a physical gift instead of cash because I would hate to think of my cash gift ending up with that cause even if it wasn't a direct donation. Only a few things that would make me feel that way though, and honestly unlikely to be an issue with my friends and family.

You'd be amazed what some people end up supporting. It may also not be something you are violently opposed to, it could just be that you think other things deserve money before that particular cause. That's how I fell about certain causes.

QueerFemme · April 2014

I'll use breast cancer as an an example. Who doesn't want to eradicate breast cancer? But if the foundation was the Komen foundation, I'd be offended. Or the salvation army. Or the boy scouts. Lots of controversy in a lot of nonprofits. Don't risk offending your guests.

kla728 · April 2014

QueerFemme said:

I'll use breast cancer as an an example. Who doesn't want to eradicate breast cancer? But if the foundation was the Komen foundation, I'd be offended. Or the salvation army. Or the boy scouts. Lots of controversy in a lot of nonprofits. Don't risk offending your guests.

You had me at Komen haha. Very good points across the board. Funny how the seemingly innocent things are so much more complex when you really look at it.

vsgal · April 2014

I never give money to charities. In most cases, only a small percentage of that money goes to the people that actually need it. In some cases, organizations will use donation money to lobby government to their moral stances---anti-gay, anti-choice, anti-birth control, etc. They don't tell you that when you put the money in the kettle.

I only give items or time to organizations that I believe in. I want to help people. Items and time go directly to the people that need help, not executives that make a 6 figure income and not lobbyists and not to doctors that will never find cure because there is too much money in the treatment.

mysticl · April 2014

vsgal said:

I never give money to charities. In most cases, only a small percentage of that money goes to the people that actually need it. In some cases, organizations will use donation money to lobby government to their moral stances---anti-gay, anti-choice, anti-birth control, etc. They don't tell you that when you put the money in the kettle.

I only give items or time to organizations that I believe in. I want to help people. Items and time go directly to the people that need help, not executives that make a 6 figure income and not lobbyists and not to doctors that will never find cure because there is too much money in the treatment.

Maybe not but their financial records are a matter of public record. If you or anyone else is interested in checking out a non-profit go to guidestar.org to look up their 1099 forms. That's the information they have to provide the IRS. It will tell you where their money goes.

ladybird29 · April 2014

I feel like I say the same thing in every post (apologies knotties), but the idea that there's absolutely nothing you need or would even think would be nice to have is hard for me to believe. My FI and I have good jobs and are in our late 20's/early 30's and there are plenty of things we'd love to receive for our wedding - are they essential? Of course not. However, I love when my Mom takes out something and says, "we got this for our wedding 40 years ago..." and am looking forward to doing the same thing. I bet if you walked around or browsed some friends' registries you might get some good ideas.

Otherwise, decline the showers or register somewhere like Amazon and throw some tools on there.

jdluvr06 · April 2014

Just don't register or have showers. We don't need anything so we aren't registering and I've declined multiple showers. We could probably easily register for upgrade but honestly, and this is just my opinion I know it isn't viewed this way by most on here, I think registering for upgrades is tacky.

tortoisebride · April 2014

jdluvr06 said:

Just don't register or have showers. We don't need anything so we aren't registering and I've declined multiple showers. We could probably easily register for upgrade but honestly, and this is just my opinion I know it isn't viewed this way by most on here, I think registering for upgrades is tacky.

I can see your point, although it's not my own opinion. One thing to bear in mind though is that regardless of what you say, some relatives and friends are going to insist on bringing you gifts. Older generations are probably going to double insist on getting you housewares. You might as well have a small registry that you don't emphasize yourself, but that you can tell them when they press you. For some people, refusing gifts will seem perverse and ungracious, or worse, they'll assume you just want a bunch of money and your lack of a registry is a "hint."

Fairyjen1 · April 2014

jdluvr06 said:
Just don't register or have showers. We don't need anything so we aren't registering and I've declined multiple showers. We could probably easily register for upgrade but honestly, and this is just my opinion I know it isn't viewed this way by most on here, I think registering for upgrades is tacky.

****STUCK IN BOX****

Just curious. What do you get couples who you feel already have good enough stuff? Do you just not get them a gift? Do you get them something not on the registry? How do you know what they registered for is an upgrade and not what they really need? I'm not questioning your reasons , just curious.

Our guest list is immediate family only, so we don't expect there will be gifts, but we did a small registry at Macys for the star rewards and completion discount. Mostly it's sheets and towels as both Fis and mine are kind of shabby. We don't live together. We were just going to get them ourselves after. I didn't realize it would be tacky.

jdluvr06 · April 2014

Fairyjen1 said:

Just don't register or have showers. We don't need anything so we aren't registering and I've declined multiple showers. We could probably easily register for upgrade but honestly, and this is just my opinion I know it isn't viewed this way by most on here, I think registering for upgrades is tacky.
****STUCK IN BOX**** Just curious. What do you get couples who you feel already have good enough stuff? Do you just not get them a gift? Do you get them something not on the registry? How do you know what they registered for is an upgrade and not what they really need? I'm not questioning your reasons , just curious. Our guest list is immediate family only, so we don't expect there will be gifts, but we did a small registry at Macys for the star rewards and completion discount. Mostly it's sheets and towels as both Fis and mine are kind of shabby. We don't live together. We were just going to get them ourselves after. I didn't realize it would be tacky.

I usually just give cash for weddings and pick something random off the registry for showers. It isn't something I put much thought into for others, I just can't imagine doing it myself.

@tortoisebride I really don't see that being an issue. I'm not having any showers and in my circle it is typical to give cash at weddings, even though I would be happy if no one brought anything. I really hate getting gifts.

tortoisebride · April 2014

Fairyjen1 said:

Our guest list is immediate family only, so we don't expect there will be gifts, but we did a small registry at Macys for the star rewards and completion discount. Mostly it's sheets and towels as both Fis and mine are kind of shabby. We don't live together. We were just going to get them ourselves after. I didn't realize it would be tacky.

I don't think most people think it's tacky. Especially since you're not living together yet, I'd say a gift registry is normal and expected.

jdluvr06 said:
@tortoisebride I really don't see that being an issue. I'm not having any showers and in my circle it is typical to give cash at weddings, even though I would be happy if no one brought anything. I really hate getting gifts.

Ahh that makes a big difference. I already know from my brother's wedding that if I don't have a registry, my great aunt and some others will just keep suggesting things "What about linens? Don't you need any linens? Maybe new plates?"

I think this is one etiquette thing that will change as the current younger generation gets older. Honeymoon registries, while in my opinion a no-no, are more and more common and accepted among many of said younger generation. I doubt they're going away anytime soon. Cash registries are definitely tacky, though.

selenathegreat · May 2014

I went to a wedding where the bride had CF and had just gotten a double lung transplant and they asked for donations to a CF foundation. That didn't bother me at all, but I admit I didn't do any digging into the organization. I'd say unless you have a situation like that just don't register or mention any charities.

kitty8403 · May 2014

jdluvr06 said:
Just don't register or have showers. We don't need anything so we aren't registering and I've declined multiple showers. We could probably easily register for upgrade but honestly, and this is just my opinion I know it isn't viewed this way by most on here, I think registering for upgrades is tacky.

Define upgrades.
If the "upgrades" consist of pages and pages of designer furnishings and $2k electronics, I would probably agree.
But swapping a dying coffee pot for a newer, nicer model? Replacing a tiny BBQ with a large grill for entertaining? Swapping out old folding chairs for nice lawn furniture? Changing out the thrift store dishes from your college dorm to a matching set suitable for company? Those kinds of things are part of everyday life. They'll eventually need to be done anyway, and I see nothing wrong with letting guests know that certain changes are on your to-do list.

kitty8403 · May 2014

kla728 said:

misshart00 said:

If you don't want physical gifts, you shouldn't have a shower. Charity registries are considered tacky. However, you can take all the cash you do get for wedding gifts and donate it.

I agree with the first statement but have to ask -- do a majority of folks feel that charity registries are tacky? I have not seen this viewpoint expressed widely on here.

I know there is a huge consensus that honeyfunds are a no-no, but haven't seen this issue talked about as much. I have a background working for and volunteering with a number of non-profits, so I acknowledge that I have a skewed perspective on this. But I wouldn't think twice if on the registries page of a couple's wedding website or something they wrote 'in lieu of gifts interested guests might consider a donation to XYZ organization' or something like that. Particularly if it was a cause near and dear to their hearts. Just curious what most folks think.

-----
Yes, I think charity registries are tacky. It's still asking for cash.
Actually, they might be even tackier than honeyfunds. You're asking me to give you cash, and you aren't even planning to use it! You're just passing it off to some organization that I may or may not support. As a guest, I would feel used and unappreciated.

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