Need advice on sticky situation.

climbingsingle · May 2014

One of my best friends from HS, Jen, just broke up with her girlfriend Amy. They were together for 6 years. Some more background info: Amy is younger than us and was good friends with my brother growing up. So, I knew her before Jen started dating her. Albeit, not well, but I did know her and we would exchange pleasantries when we saw each other.

When Jen and Amy began dating, our group of friends then also became good friends with Amy. We all spent a lot of time together. My friendship with Jen was always stronger though and while I became better friends with Amy, we were never the type of friends that would call each other or hang out just the two of us.

They broke up about 4 weeks ago. At first, the breakup seemed amicable. Unfortunately that's not the case now. Amy has already begun dating someone else is and rubbing it in Jen's face (I've seen the text messages. It ain't pretty). Jen was so unnerved by the things Amy was saying to her, that she had all of her locks changed.

Amy sent me a text last night asking to talk to me about the wedding. I was out to dinner with a friend so I told her I'd call her today. As a person that actively avoids any kind of confrontation or uncomfortable situations, I was internally freaking out. Now, it could be about a few things. My bach party is in July - Amy was supposed to attend along with Jen. My MOH spoke to both of them and said it was up to them to work it out if they both felt comfortable attending.

She could also be calling to see if she's still invited to the wedding (wedding is in September so invites have not gone out yet). And that's the part that I'm getting hung up on. Jen has been one of my best friends since HS (if I was having a wedding party and not just a MOH, she'd be a BM) and I don't want her to be uncomfortable with Amy being there. Knowing Jen the way I do, I know she will say to invite Amy - she would never expect us to choose sides or to kick Amy out of our lives. But knowing what's going on between them now, I don't know if I feel comfortable having Amy there. I almost feel like I'm not being loyal to Jen. And since Amy is already dating someone new, assuming they're still together by the time the invites go out, I will have to invite the new girlfriend too, adding to the uncomfortable factor.

I guess I really don't know what to say to Amy. Do I tell her we should wait out on things and see where everyone stands in July? Gah. I don't want there to be any hurt feelings. And I do want to stay friends with Amy.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

If she does ask if she will be invited I think all you can do is be honest and say at this point you're not sure. I would tell Amy that while you value your friendship with her and want to continue it, that your friendship with Jen has been longer & you are closer with her. Tell her right now the breakup is too fresh and it's been difficult for Jen and you feel like at this moment if you invited her (Amy) and her new GF it would be rubbing salt in the wound for Jen. But by time you have to send out the invites you will look at how things are between everyone and make a decision then and hopefully she understands. How she reacts to that will determine if this is someone you want to stay friends with.

missnc77 · May 2014

Why do you still want to be friends with Amy? She's actively making the break-up flare up by rubbing a new person into Jenn's face rather than just parting ways. If I saw someone doing this to my long-time friend, I wouldn't want to still be friends with the ex. Stressful times bring out people's true colors, and if Jenn is your long time friend, being reasonable, and trying to be an adult, while the ex who you have enjoyed getting to know if being an instigator, I'd pick Jenn. I'd tell Amy that I'm really sorry, but since the situation isn't all that great right now, that you just think it's best she not come. And I wouldn't feel guilty at all for it since she's the one making the situation tough on everyone.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

I agree with PPs. Actions have consequences. Break-ups happen, and that's part of life, but when your behaviour after the break-up is to be juvenile and rude, the consequence is some people are going to cut you out of their lives.

climbingsingle · May 2014

missnc77 said:

Why do you still want to be friends with Amy? She's actively making the break-up flare up by rubbing a new person into Jenn's face rather than just parting ways. If I saw someone doing this to my long-time friend, I wouldn't want to still be friends with the ex. Stressful times bring out people's true colors, and if Jenn is your long time friend, being reasonable, and trying to be an adult, while the ex who you have enjoyed getting to know if being an instigator, I'd pick Jenn. I'd tell Amy that I'm really sorry, but since the situation isn't all that great right now, that you just think it's best she not come. And I wouldn't feel guilty at all for it since she's the one making the situation tough on everyone.

Well, in Amy's defense, I really am only getting Jen's side of the story. I've been through enough breakups to know that sometimes things get out of hand when emotions are involved. I'm not going to never speak to her again for a few text messages she sent to Jen while they were arguing. Was it awful of her to do? Yes. But I'm not going to condemn her for it, you know?

missnc77 · May 2014

I'm not saying you shouldn't speak to her again, but if Jenn is truely being the reasonable one here, then I wouldn't invite Amy. We don't know the entire situation, but if Amy is creating drama, then Amy can't come to the wedding. As HisGirlFriday13 said, actions have consequences. If you can't be an adult and quit making it awkward for everyone, then tough luck. I'll still be your friend, but I'm not going to give you a venue to rub a new girlfriend into someone's face.

climbingsingle · May 2014

missnc77 said:

I'm not saying you shouldn't speak to her again, but if Jenn is truely being the reasonable one here, then I wouldn't invite Amy. We don't know the entire situation, but if Amy is creating drama, then Amy can't come to the wedding. As HisGirlFriday13 said, actions have consequences. If you can't be an adult and quit making it awkward for everyone, then tough luck. I'll still be your friend, but I'm not going to give you a venue to rub a new girlfriend into someone's face.

That is a very good point!

pinkcow13 · May 2014

Yea, I agree with PP's. Amy brought this on herself. She's the one stirring up drama. And if you don't feel comfortable having her there, you shouldn't have to. Maybe if she acted like an adult, this wouldn't be happening.

She must be making the breakup pretty bad if Jen feels the need to change locks.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:
show previous quotes

missnc77 said:

I'm not saying you shouldn't speak to her again, but if Jenn is truely being the reasonable one here, then I wouldn't invite Amy. We don't know the entire situation, but if Amy is creating drama, then Amy can't come to the wedding. As HisGirlFriday13 said, actions have consequences. If you can't be an adult and quit making it awkward for everyone, then tough luck. I'll still be your friend, but I'm not going to give you a venue to rub a new girlfriend into someone's face.

That is a very good point!

Very much this. I'm not advocating cutting Amy out entirely, but maybe some cooling off time is needed.

climbingsingle · May 2014

Thanks for the advice, ladies!!

Jen4948 · May 2014

Yeah, I agree with PPs that although you don't know all the details, it sounds like you're closer to Jen and of the two she deserves your friendship, while Amy is creating hurtful drama. I wouldn't put Jen and Amy together, especially if Amy is going to rub it in that she has a new girlfriend. I'd tell Amy, "Amy, right now I think it's better to not invite both you and Jen to my wedding."

MW5280 · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I agree with PPs. Actions have consequences. Break-ups happen, and that's part of life, but when your behaviour after the break-up is to be juvenile and rude, the consequence is some people are going to cut you out of their lives.

This. All of this.

It is one thing to break up, its another to be a jerk about it and put other people in a position that is uncalled for.

phira · May 2014

Yeah, I really agree with previous posters here. It's true that you don't know the exact details of the break-up, but it's not like you're a judge trying to dole out the fairest punishment for everyone.

Right now, Jen is your close friend, and Amy was your friend (as opposed to acquaintance) because of her relationship with Jen. Your friendship with Jen is more important to you than your friendship with Amy. While that doesn't mean catering to Jen's every whim with regards to the break-up, it does mean that when you have to make a choice, you want to err on the side of making Jen more comfortable.

If I were Jen, I'd be telling you, "Yeah, it's okay if you still invite Amy," because I wouldn't want to be controlling or demanding. I'd want to be as accommodating as possible. I'd want to be the chill, not-rocking-the-boat ex-girlfriend. And I'd secretly hope that you wouldn't invite Amy anyway.

And, finally, given that Jen had the locks to her place changed, I'd say that it's likely that Amy's post break-up behavior is just enough out of the ordinary to warrant caution. We all do and say really stupid, semi-crazy things when we're dumped. I'm so embarrassed by some of the things I've said and done after being dumped that I am, without exaggeration, too embarrassed to tell anyone. But if Jen is feeling unsafe, then it's a different situation, and I have a little less sympathy for Amy.

Teddy917 · May 2014

I would just say that you're still figuring out the guest list. No need to explain. An explanation might make it more uncomfortable or she might blame Jen and make things worse for her. Then when invites go out she just doesn't get one.

Need advice on sticky situation.

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