Father/daughter dilemma

Re: Father/daughter dilemma

• Jen4948 member

  

  May 2014

  Just say it casually.  "We've decided to forgo a father-daughter dance because it just doesn't fit our relationship."
  

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• aquietseason member

  

  May 2014

  I have no constructive advice TBH, just want to commiserate because I'm in the exact same boat with my dad, especially the anti-social/leaving early part. I find it so hard as an adult to try to keep on reaching out to someone who doesn't seem to care, so...frankly I've stopped, especially when I have planning to keep me busy.

  
  

  I told him the date of my wedding, and so far that's it. Haven't mentioned a father daughter dance, don't plan to do one. I plan to just go from our first dance to opening the floor, and do the mother/son dance (if my FI wants it) later.  If people notice and come to conclusions about our relationship....well, they're not wrong. If people ask, then I bean-dip (but I'd be surprised if people ask about it before hand)

  
  

  Don't do things you're not comfortable with, and that includes him walking you down the aisle. I felt neutral about it and my mom wants both parents to walk me down the aisle, so that's what I'll go with to make her happy.

   

  When you get closer to your date I'd just brief him on where he has to be and when, and leave it at that. The more you try to get him involved, the more hurt youll be when he still doesn't care TBH.

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• JaimeLynn621 member

  

  May 2014

  I am pretty much in the same boat! However my wedding is quite some time away I still cant help but think about that and how I am going to address the dad issue with my own wedding. My dad also has been rather absent in my life but I am still willing because he is my father to have him walk me down the aisle. As far as the whole dad/daughter dance I don't know I think it will be just too weird for the both of us. I personally think my step dad is a better person for that and also would like him to walk me down the aisle as well.

  I just don't know about letting both of them walk me down the aisle or one or the other...Ugh so much to think about as far as that goes. I feel as if the both wouldn't be comfortable with it but I definitely want them both to be there.

  Anyways interested to see what happens on your big day. And I completely agree with the above don't do things you aren't comfortable with and that is exactly what everyone keeps telling me as well.

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• Gina0887 member

  

  May 2014

  We aren't doing a "giving away" anyways. Just going to do a parents' blessing. I really feel as it gets closer I want to just walk down myself anyways. I know it would hurt his feelings though. He's just antisocial, but I'm still his daughter. He's been around my entire life (parents still married, etc) but he just doesn't involve himself more than I go there. I've stopped trying, but I feel like since "dad walking down the aisle" is traditional it is expected, and he's already voiced that he was hurt that my FI didn't ask. Which I honestly don't care bc we are consenting 28 year old adults, but he has said it multiple times. Not letting him walk me down the aisle I think would just really crush him. (although I've had my hopes crushed over and over, Idk that I should do that to him) I think I can get by without a dance just casually not doing one and go right into dinner? But kinda hard to casually not walk me down the aisle. Blehhh!!! 

  

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• BlackLace2015 member

  

  May 2014

  I'm not super close with my dad and I don't want him walking me down the aisle or dancing with me at all. I'm actually nervous because I know FI will want to do a dance with his mom and all that stuff but I don't know how to explain that I'm not even comfortable around my own dad. I've actually been married before but didn't have a wedding. I think I'm just going to use that as an excuse to walk down the aisle by myself but as far as the dance goes I think I'm just going to use the straightforward approach and tell him there will be no father daughter dance. I am 31 years old and FI and I both have kids so I see no reason to act like we are leaving the nest or anything like that.

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• BlackLace2015 member

  

  May 2014

  IMO there is no need to attach fake sentimentality where there is none, and make everyone stand around and watch like a spectacle lol.

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• Gina0887 member

  

  June 2014

  I actually told my dad I was trying to find a song for us, and I couldn't find one that I liked and asked if he minded if we just skipped it. He said that would make him more comfortable as well. I haven't said anything about him walking me down the aisle, but I'm ok with that. It's not as much faking as the dance would be. And he actually has a bad hip and it may bother him to where he doesn't want to by August anyways. 

  

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• Alyssa18o6 member

  

  June 2014

  I'm joining the boat with you girls. It's not that me and my Dad aren't close, we talk every single day.. But we just never had that "type" of relationship. My parents divorced when I was young and we moved to another state, and I stopped going on weekends when I was 13, and we just never really bonded like that. I feel like he doesn't ever support me in anything, just tries to tell me what im doing wrong. I was so afraid that he would be against me even getting married! I've tried bringing the subject up to him jokingly. I told him our dance was going to be to the Free Willy theme song (he's OBSESSED with Free Willy. i'm pretty sure he watches it every day and we had season passes to Sea World as a kid) and he like had no reaction just was like "there ya go!". This is no lie the biggest stress I feel like I have so far!

  

  
  
  

  
  

  

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• MegEn1 member

  

  June 2014

  I'm in a similar boat. My relationship with my dad is pretty strained and my mother is dead. I was going to walk myself down the aisle, but my FI is Jewish and we're doing a Jewish wedding. That means his parents walk him down the aisle first, and then my parents are supposed to do the same. So I can't really avoid it without looking super weird.
  
  I haven't broached the Mother-Son dance yet. It'd be so nice if he didn't want to have one so I didn't have to do a Father-Daughter dance. Honestly I don't know that Dad's health could take it anyway. But knowing the FI and his mom, they'll want to do one. So I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm sort of ignoring this issue for right now.
  

  
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• Jen4948 member

  

  June 2014

  MegEn1 said:

  I'm in a similar boat. My relationship with my dad is pretty strained and my mother is dead. I was going to walk myself down the aisle, but my FI is Jewish and we're doing a Jewish wedding. That means his parents walk him down the aisle first, and then my parents are supposed to do the same. So I can't really avoid it without looking super weird.
  
  I haven't broached the Mother-Son dance yet. It'd be so nice if he didn't want to have one so I didn't have to do a Father-Daughter dance. Honestly I don't know that Dad's health could take it anyway. But knowing the FI and his mom, they'll want to do one. So I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm sort of ignoring this issue for right now.
  

  Even at a Jewish wedding, exceptions can be made to this when parents are divorced.  You do not have to be escorted by both parents.  My cousin, the daughter of divorced parents, walked down the aisle alone.  Her husband, whose parents were in the middle of a divorce, was escorted by both parents, but you could see how much they hated it.  It shows in the photos-they couldn't look at each other and looked like they were under a lot of strain at being forced to walk together.  I'd skip it.  Not every custom has to be adhered to-and if someone gets snotty to you about it, that just proves that they are insensitive jerks, not that you are "strange" or "weird." 

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