I screwed up

Re: I screwed up

• KatieinBkln member

  

  May 2014

  This is tough, but if I were you I'd share this info with your parents and in-laws, in the same tone you did here. Let them know it was an oops so they don't wonder what makes this non-family, non-BP couple special, and ask them to forgive the error. I wouldn't say anything to the couple in question, though--they can just assume they're beloved and special. (Which it sounds like they are!). Hopefully your parents and in-laws are inclined to be patient with you. Personally, if I were them I'd be more than willing to let it slide, knowing how wedding planning can befuddle a person, especially at the end stages.

  
  

  This baby knows exactly how I feel

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  May 2014

  Did she send the invites yet? If not just let her know that you made a mistake and that X and Y were not meant to be on the list.

  
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  May 2014

  If your FMIL was asking to confirm the headcount, have the invites actually gone out yet? If not, you could axe him from that, no harm, no foul.

  
  

  If they have gone out, I would just tell your parents and FILs what you said here -- in copying and pasting, you accidentally made a mistake, and you're sorry. 

  
  

  I think both parties (your parents, your FILs) will understand, and it's not like you allowed one of them to invite people but not the other one.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• IMathlete member

  

  May 2014

  Thanks @KatieinBkln They definitely are a beloved couple, and he was a potential groomsman (of course we didn't share that information). I am not afraid to own the mistake to our parents, and that's a good idea. I just really don't want the invited guests to realize the mistake and feel strange. I know when I get invited to rehearsals (when I am not wedding party), I assume it's extended to the entire guest list.

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• IMathlete member

  

  May 2014

  Yes, invites went out a week or two ago. :-( No backing down now!
  

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  May 2014

  Oh then that is strange that she asked you to confirm the headcount when she had already sent the invites. There really isn't anything you can do but to tell your parents and your FILs that you made an oops and just now realized it.

  
  

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• IMathlete member

  

  May 2014

  @Maggie0829, that's a whole other story. Not sure why I have to confirm headcount when she has the list, and any regrets were supposed to come to her.
  

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  May 2014

  Oops, didn't mean to bring up a sore subject, but yeah, that makes zero sense on her part.  Some people are just so special.

  
  

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• IMathlete member

  

  May 2014

  No, no, I'm fine. Just one of those days when too many things come together in a bad way, and little stuff like needing to add up a list for someone else becomes too much to handle. I will feel better tomorrow!
  

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• phira member

  

  May 2014

  That's rough. I'm trying to decide how I'd feel if I were the friend who'd been invited accidentally. I think I might feel super-duper awkward showing up and finding that everyone else was immediate family/wedding party, and I'd be all, "Why on earth were we invited?" I think if you can come up with a very, very gentle way of explaining the situation to your friend, that would be a good idea. Depending on your relationship with your friend, it's entirely likely that he'll be relieved that you told him, and that he'll decline to attend.

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• IMathlete member

  

  May 2014

  phira said:

  That's rough. I'm trying to decide how I'd feel if I were the friend who'd been invited accidentally. I think I might feel super-duper awkward showing up and finding that everyone else was immediate family/wedding party, and I'd be all, "Why on earth were we invited?" I think if you can come up with a very, very gentle way of explaining the situation to your friend, that would be a good idea. Depending on your relationship with your friend, it's entirely likely that he'll be relieved that you told him, and that he'll decline to attend.

  I am like you. If it happened TO me, I would definitely tell the friend, "of you should have told me, I definitely would have understood!" And I do feel that I have that relationship with this friend.
  
  On the other hand, I have seen girls really nailed for wanting to disinvite guests, and ultimately, that is what this would be. It's a lose/lose, it feels like.
  
  For what it's worth, I really, with all my heart, feel like this guest would understand if I explained. However, he is also a dear, dear friend, and it would not be strange at all for me to have him there. And in the end, I'd rather he feel awkward than insulted...make sense? I am still torn.
  

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• ashleyep member

  

  May 2014

  phira said:

  That's rough. I'm trying to decide how I'd feel if I were the friend who'd been invited accidentally. I think I might feel super-duper awkward showing up and finding that everyone else was immediate family/wedding party, and I'd be all, "Why on earth were we invited?" I think if you can come up with a very, very gentle way of explaining the situation to your friend, that would be a good idea. Depending on your relationship with your friend, it's entirely likely that he'll be relieved that you told him, and that he'll decline to attend.

  I'd be surprised (and confused) if I was invited to the RD and not in the bridal party. I would feel extremely awkward if I showed up and was the only non-bridal party person there. I think that I would really rather know it was a mistake as well.

  

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• phira member

  

  May 2014

  IMathlete said:

  phira said:

  That's rough. I'm trying to decide how I'd feel if I were the friend who'd been invited accidentally. I think I might feel super-duper awkward showing up and finding that everyone else was immediate family/wedding party, and I'd be all, "Why on earth were we invited?" I think if you can come up with a very, very gentle way of explaining the situation to your friend, that would be a good idea. Depending on your relationship with your friend, it's entirely likely that he'll be relieved that you told him, and that he'll decline to attend.

  I am like you. If it happened TO me, I would definitely tell the friend, "of you should have told me, I definitely would have understood!" And I do feel that I have that relationship with this friend.
  
  On the other hand, I have seen girls really nailed for wanting to disinvite guests, and ultimately, that is what this would be. It's a lose/lose, it feels like.
  
  For what it's worth, I really, with all my heart, feel like this guest would understand if I explained. However, he is also a dear, dear friend, and it would not be strange at all for me to have him there. And in the end, I'd rather he feel awkward than insulted...make sense? I am still torn.
  

  I might frame it as: he is 100% welcome to attend--you are not uninviting him--but you just wanted him to know in advance that he'll be the only friend attending. And make it clear that you're letting him know NOT because you want him to decline or think he should decline, but because if he can make it--and you hope he can!--you don't want him to walk in and be all, "Oh my god what is this."

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  May 2014

  phira said:

  IMathlete said:

  phira said:

  That's rough. I'm trying to decide how I'd feel if I were the friend who'd been invited accidentally. I think I might feel super-duper awkward showing up and finding that everyone else was immediate family/wedding party, and I'd be all, "Why on earth were we invited?" I think if you can come up with a very, very gentle way of explaining the situation to your friend, that would be a good idea. Depending on your relationship with your friend, it's entirely likely that he'll be relieved that you told him, and that he'll decline to attend.

  I am like you. If it happened TO me, I would definitely tell the friend, "of you should have told me, I definitely would have understood!" And I do feel that I have that relationship with this friend.
  
  On the other hand, I have seen girls really nailed for wanting to disinvite guests, and ultimately, that is what this would be. It's a lose/lose, it feels like.
  
  For what it's worth, I really, with all my heart, feel like this guest would understand if I explained. However, he is also a dear, dear friend, and it would not be strange at all for me to have him there. And in the end, I'd rather he feel awkward than insulted...make sense? I am still torn.
  

  I might frame it as: he is 100% welcome to attend--you are not uninviting him--but you just wanted him to know in advance that he'll be the only friend attending. And make it clear that you're letting him know NOT because you want him to decline or think he should decline, but because if he can make it--and you hope he can!--you don't want him to walk in and be all, "Oh my god what is this."

  I second this.

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  May 2014

  adk19 said:

  
  

  phira said:

  
  

  
  

  IMathlete said:

  
  

  
  

  phira said:

  
  

  That's rough. I'm trying to decide how I'd feel if I were the friend who'd been invited accidentally. I think I might feel super-duper awkward showing up and finding that everyone else was immediate family/wedding party, and I'd be all, "Why on earth were we invited?" I think if you can come up with a very, very gentle way of explaining the situation to your friend, that would be a good idea. Depending on your relationship with your friend, it's entirely likely that he'll be relieved that you told him, and that he'll decline to attend.

  
  

  I am like you. If it happened TO me, I would definitely tell the friend, "of you should have told me, I definitely would have understood!" And I do feel that I have that relationship with this friend.
  
  On the other hand, I have seen girls really nailed for wanting to disinvite guests, and ultimately, that is what this would be. It's a lose/lose, it feels like.
  
  For what it's worth, I really, with all my heart, feel like this guest would understand if I explained. However, he is also a dear, dear friend, and it would not be strange at all for me to have him there. And in the end, I'd rather he feel awkward than insulted...make sense? I am still torn.
  

  
  

  I might frame it as: he is 100% welcome to attend--you are not uninviting him--but you just wanted him to know in advance that he'll be the only friend attending. And make it clear that you're letting him know NOT because you want him to decline or think he should decline, but because if he can make it--and you hope he can!--you don't want him to walk in and be all, "Oh my god what is this."
  
  
  I second this.
  
  Third.

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