Excluding family from Bridal Party

faithdevilsbee · May 2014

I've been searching the boards for something like this, and have not been successful. I know there is still plenty of time to select my bridal party, and I am holding off in making any decisions. However, one thing I am really torn over at the moment is that I don't think I want to have my sister be a bridesmaid. She and I have never been close, and whether she means it or not, anytime she offers me advice, it really seems like she is putting me down and belittling my choices. If she were my friend, I wouldn't hang out with her anymore, but I don't have that option. I have my best friend for over 15 years who will be my maid of honor - there is no question on that front, and I have one or two other friends that I am considering asking when the time comes. My concern is that it will cause unnecessary drama within my family if I do not have her as a BM, yet my bigger concern is that if I DO ask her, she will cause fights among the other BMs and make my life miserable by dissing my decisions on how I want my wedding day to be. Has anyone else had to put family in their Bridal Party that they didn't want to, or perhaps anyone you ended up including while having second thoughts? Thank you for any advice.

Gina0887 · May 2014

Is she that kind of person?? If you aren't close, you aren't close and it isn't a requirement to have family in the WP. I did the opposite and avoided any drama and made it an easy choice by family only WP. It's up to you.

KGold80 · May 2014

You get to choose your wedding party. If you don't want your sister to stand up with you, you are well within your rights to do so. If you think it will cause family drama to not ask your sister to be a bridesmaid, you could ask her to be a reader instead. It is still an honored role in a wedding ceremony, but you won't have to worry so much about her being involved in choosing dresses, etc. Or don't include her at all. It is your decision.

AddieCake · May 2014

From what you said, I would not ask her to be a bridesmaid. If anyone gives you grief about it, you say, "I have chosen my wedding party. Have you seen the new _____ movie? It's so good!" If anyone presses you (like maybe your parents) for an explanation, you can always just flat out tell them that you and your sister are not close, and that the subject is closed.

kmmssg · May 2014

As a 4 time MOB (that can be a lot of sister drama) I have never advocated choosing people for the bridal party based on DNA commonality.

Heck, I have a sister of my own, who even though I do truly love her and would put my life down for hers in a heartbeat, I do not like her and there is NO way she would have ever been in my bridal party.

I truly encourage you to follow your gut instinct on this. Omit her as kindly as you can but there is a reason you fear her bringing drama to your bridal party. Can you ask her to do a reading?

CMGragain · May 2014

There is no rule that says your sister has to be in your bridal party. There is no rule that you have to have any bridal party at all.
It's your wedding. Choose who you want to be in your bridal party.

faithdevilsbee · May 2014

Thank you all for your replies. It just feels like a lose-lose either way! I believe the less painful route will be to find another way to include her, but I'm sure her feelings will still be hurt.

climbingsingle · May 2014

There's nothing that says you have to include your sibling in your bridal party. Also, you could have just a MOH. That's what I'm doing. That way, there may be less hurt feelings, you know?

phira · May 2014

I asked my not-that-close-to-me sister and she flip-flopped for a while before ultimately saying no. I kind of wish I hadn't asked in the first place. So, go with your gut!

[Deleted User] · May 2014

It's entirely possible that if you know that you and your sister aren't close that she also knows this to be true. She might actually think it's weird that you ask her. I know I personally was super happy my sister decided not to have any bridesmaids because she would have asked me to be her MOH and I know she has lots of friends she's closer to than me.

faithdevilsbee · May 2014

Actually, she is already talking to me like she is going to be a bridesmaid!! Also, she is getting married this year and I am her MOH... something I never thought I would be asked but didn't think I could turn it down. This story gets much more convoluted but I'll spare the gory details. I often find with her that I am doing things I feel I am required to do, rather than the things I want to do. I witnessed my best friend get married last year and pretty much regret 2 out of the 4 ladies she put in her WP. I don't want to have that feeling. I don't want to be in this position period!! I'm ready to go down to the JoP and say screw everyone.

Grabows14 · May 2014

I had my sister in my wedding and I was in the same boat as you.

Honestly, she doesn't need to hang out or anything with your friends if you are concerned about that.

I had a little bit of drama too, but whatever, at least she can't say that I left her out of the wedding (although she complained that she wasn't MOH).

I only did it because I wanted to avoid having a fight with her or if she would argue/talk behind my back with my mom or grandma.

lilacck28 · May 2014

How close do you live to her? How often do you see her at family functions? How often do your parents see her? How often do you talk to your parents/ other relatives who may be close to her? How is it going being in her wedding party? Is she demanding on her bridesmaids?

I think you should take those things into account. I am not choosing some family members for my bridal party, but I also know that I only see them a few times a year at most, and my parents who I am very close to are behind me on this decision, and will not gripe about it to me. I agree that you get to decide who is in your bridal party, and that no one must be in it. And obviously you are the best judge of your family dynamic, but it may be that you are choosing to have theoretically one day/ one year with "no drama" without your sister as bridesmaid (that is, if this decision doesn't cause some arguments or annoying family conversations right from the start), and will instead have 30 years of drama with her.

faithdevilsbee · May 2014

You are hitting the nail on the head, lilacck28. She lives fairly close by, I see her like 1-2x a month, and it will be drama either way. If all she had to do is buy the dress and stand in line, I'd have no problem including her. (Which I know is all that is required of her if I ask, but she will try and take on other roles, and I don't think there's a good way to say "Back off!") *sigh* Thanks ladies for talking it out with me!

delujm0 · May 2014

I am sensing that not including her is going to cause more drama than including her. She asked you to be her MOH, which means even though you don't think you're close to her, she does think she's close to you. And you hit the nail on the head - she's your sister, so you're going to have to continuing dealing with her no matter what you choose. Another point to consider: are your parents paying for your wedding? I know that even if they are, they don't have a right to determine your WP, but leaving out your sister might have negative consequences with them as well that you have to consider.

I think if I were you, I'd ask her to be a BM, and then leave her out of as much of the planning as possible. She'll feel like she's included without feeling like she needs to comment on all of your plans. You've known your MOH for 15 years - so she likely has some experience managing your sister's craziness. Tell her to politely shut her down, or to let you know if she is becoming unruly to the other BMs. And bean dip her on everything other than her dress.

Latillo · May 2014

I think it's your wedding and you can choose who you would like to be in your bridal party and who you do not want in your bridal party. We avoided any family drama but not including any brothers or sisters. I have 2 brothers and my FI has a sister and a brother. I am not very close with his siblings for many reasons so I felt awkward asking her to be a bridesmaid (partly b/c I know she cannot afford it and my FI's mom would be paying for everything and his sister is in her late 20's). I am close with my sister in law but I discusssed with her that I would feel bad having her as a bridesmaid and not my FI's sister. My SIL was totally cool with this and understood completely! I am having 2 MOH, my two best friends and my FI has 2 best men, his two best friends. This way all drama has been avoided!! Good luck with whatever you decide, but it is your wedding so you do what you want!

bananasplit472001 · May 2014

Honestly I think someone in your family like a sister should be included in your wedding party. What if your sister thinks of you as close? You would hurt her feelings and sometimes people look at choosing a bridal party as choosing their favorites. Even though it is ultimately your decision I would think that not including her would cause too much drama. If it were say a cousin, or your FI sister then I would say do not include them. But a sister that gives you "advice" doesn't sound like too distant of a relative.

phira · May 2014

bananasplit472001 said:

Honestly I think someone in your family like a sister should be included in your wedding party. What if your sister thinks of you as close? You would hurt her feelings and sometimes people look at choosing a bridal party as choosing their favorites. Even though it is ultimately your decision I would think that not including her would cause too much drama. If it were say a cousin, or your FI sister then I would say do not include them. But a sister that gives you "advice" doesn't sound like too distant of a relative.

I think that one of the major issues I've had with wedding planning is that I've been expected to be really accommodating of my siblings (long story short: family dramaz, I'm considered the person responsible). So when my sister didn't want to be a bridesmaid but wanted to still participate in the wedding ceremony, I was told to just let her do whatever she wanted.

But the thing is, the wedding party and wedding ceremony are really personal parts of the wedding. It took a lot for me to ask my sister to be in the wedding party, and it was hurtful when she declined. I felt angry that I was expected to let her do whatever she wanted, just to avoid hurting her feelings, when she hadn't done the same for me, the person actually getting married.

In the OP's case, she if other people's opinions weren't a factor, there'd be no question that the sister wouldn't be in the wedding party. And I think that there's a difference between, "Eh, I'll just ask her to be a bridesmaid because it's a nice way to extend an olive branch," and, "I REALLY don't want her as a bridesmaid, and there will be dramaz either way and ugh I really feel pressured to just include her." So in this case, I'd say, OP's feelings come first. Sister's feelings don't.

Jen4948 · May 2014

bananasplit472001 said:

Honestly I think someone in your family like a sister should be included in your wedding party. What if your sister thinks of you as close? You would hurt her feelings and sometimes people look at choosing a bridal party as choosing their favorites. Even though it is ultimately your decision I would think that not including her would cause too much drama. If it were say a cousin, or your FI sister then I would say do not include them. But a sister that gives you "advice" doesn't sound like too distant of a relative.

Sorry, but too much unsolicited "advice," particularly if it's presented in a meddlesome and hurtful way, is not "closeness" that should automatically be overlooked. This is exactly what my mother does, and she follows it up with hurtful snark when people don't take her "advice." I would not feel close to a sibling who did this to me, and I would not care if their feelings are hurt if I choose not to ask them to be in my wedding party, because they didn't care about my feelings when they chose to hurt me. Shared blood is not enough to make one "close" enough to choose for one's wedding party.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

My FH's family actually has a saying that if you have to have your sibling in your wedding, you don't have enough friends. I don't necessarily agree, but I think it's an interesting point of view.

faithdevilsbee · May 2014

Thank you to all who are responding. I think I will need to end up asking her, and then just not discussing details with her. My BFF MOH knows all about the drama that can ensue, I just don't want to put her in that position, hopefully it doesn't get too bad. And she only asked me to be her MOH because she doesn't really have female friends. (Well, IMO anyways) She treats everyone the same way she treats me, and since they aren't family, they don't deal with it! But since there's drama no matter which way you shake this stick, I guess I gotta suck it up buttercup!!

lilacck28 · May 2014

Good luck! Just take your time to think it through, and try not to let any of the possible future drama get you down.

phira · May 2014

adk19 said:

My FH's family actually has a saying that if you have to have your sibling in your wedding, you don't have enough friends. I don't necessarily agree, but I think it's an interesting point of view.

My partner's two best friends are his brothers--whoops. But I get the sentiment--that for a lot of people, friends are chosen family, and are often closer to the couple than siblings.

Cookie Pusher · May 2014

adk19 said:

My FH's family actually has a saying that if you have to have your sibling in your wedding, you don't have enough friends. I don't necessarily agree, but I think it's an interesting point of view.

It's the opposite for me. I chose my sisters because it hurt fewer feelings. FI and I wanted a small wedding party, and there was too much risk of some of our friends (and people who think they are closer to us than they actually are) being upset. Much easier to justify having family-only.

Jen4948 · May 2014

Cookie Pusher said:

show previous quotes

adk19 said:

My FH's family actually has a saying that if you have to have your sibling in your wedding, you don't have enough friends. I don't necessarily agree, but I think it's an interesting point of view.

It's the opposite for me. I chose my sisters because it hurt fewer feelings. FI and I wanted a small wedding party, and there was too much risk of some of our friends (and people who think they are closer to us than they actually are) being upset. Much easier to justify having family-only.

Hurt feelings is a really sucky reason for choosing someone to be in one's wedding party, because the person you choose can then create a lot of unnecessary drama and you're stuck with that person and can't kick them out. Not saying this was the case for you personally-just that in general, I've seen too many stories about how people chose siblings or other family members in order to avoid "hurt feelings" only to get their own feelings hurt because the people they did choose treated them horribly.

The persons anyone chooses to be in the wedding party should be the people they really feel close to, whose moral support for themselves and the marriage they know they can count on-not because someone will threaten to have hurt feelings if they are not chosen.

Excluding family from Bridal Party

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