My groom doesn't want to talk

Knottie04135568 · May 2014

My boyfriend proposed just about a month ago, on my birthday. It was totally unexpected and I loved it and him. I've been waiting my whole life to plan my wedding so I immediately got to work reading books, magazines, and getting on this website. I was trying to ask him some stuff last week and he totally bit my head off. He said we have a year, we don't need to worry about it now. He doesn't realize how much planning needs to happen, even for a small wedding. Of course we are on a budget like everyone else and my family lives 1200 miles away. We are also moving in two months so we have a lot on our plate, I'm ready and willing to deal with it all, breaking things down into manageable steps. I need to be able to talk to him about all of this but I don't know how. I can't wait until we move in two months to start looking for a venue, we are already under a year. Plus, I want some of my friends and family there for it, but I don't know if he does. These are the things we should be able to discuss and I'm afraid if I bring it up again I'll get snapped at again. Sorry if there is already a discussion like this started I couldn't really find it. Any help at all would be great! Thanks!

AddieCake · May 2014

You need to sit him down again and say you know there is a lot going on but that if you want to get married on the date you agreed upon, you need to start the planning process because venues and vendors start booking up a year out. He may not realize the time frames involved with planning. If he still snaps at you, he may not be ready to get married.

ETA: You also may have to end up changing your date if he is not ready to start planning with the move happening.

erinlin25 · May 2014

It can definitely be overwhelming for guys and they don't always realize how much really does go into planning a wedding. You guys first need to be on board with a budget--which it sounds like you have. Next you need a date, which you cannot set specifically until you picked the venue. You should also have a general idea of how many people are going to be invited because you don't want to look at venues that are too big or too small for your needs. Depending on where you are from you can plan under a year. I had a 10 month engagement and we got everything we wanted.

Try to explain to him that you do need to go over some details now so you can prepare for planning. Let him know what your planning expectations are of him--he does not need to eat, sleep and breathe wedding but since it is his day too there will be things you need his help with especially in the beginning so you know what kind of event you are planning. If he is not ready to talk about it maybe he needs a little more time. With a move things can be stressful so he may just need some time to process all the changes. I am sure he will come around but do not be afraid to communicate what you need from him.

bouncertony · May 2014

So, what he's probably thinking is "It's a year until the wedding" what he's not thinking is "We need to have this, this, and this booked before then". So show him that. Find a timeline and show him how wedding planning works. Venues have to be booked early, guest lists need to be made, the planning takes forever.

Also, when you talk to him, make sure he isn't distracted. TV off, no video games, not driving somewhere, just you and him talking. And show him what needs to get done and when it needs to get done by.

vsgal · May 2014

You need to talk with him, not at him. Bouncertony is correct. Make sure he is not distracted. Also, make sure he is in the right mindset to talk about it. The two of you need to be on the same page with the timing. If you think it will take a year to plan, but he thinks it will take 2 months, then you are going to run into more communications like the one you had.

When I wanted to talk wedding with H, I would ask him when a good time would be to talk for about a half hour to hour. We would schedule time to chat. Maybe that will work for you.

MyNameIsNot · May 2014

This whole "guys don't know" is sexist and a cop out. If he loves you, respects you, and wants to marry you, he needs to be able to have a conversation with you about wedding planning without biting your head off.

I would approach him again, and tell him that you really want to start discussing the wedding planning. I would also tell him that he really concerned me by reacting the way that he did before. If you have a hard time discussing something good and exciting like a wedding, how do you expect to be able to discuss the bad things?

Does he normally act that way when you try to talk to him? If so, it's a red flag. If not, I suspect that there is something about wedding planning that's upsetting him. Maybe cold feet, maybe money, maybe family issues, maybe whatever. But if you are going to get married, he needs to learn how to express those things to you without being angry or mean.

themuffinman16 · May 2014

I hate to be sexist, but a lot of guys don't know how much planning it takes to have a wedding. My FI bit my head off, too, when I asked him to figure out how many people we wanted and a budget. It wasn't until we started looking at venues and a lot of them were almost completely booked, did he get the impression that there is a reason why people plan weddings a year, in advance.

After that, FI was much more reasonable with the timetable. Some stuff I liked to get done ahead of time, and there was other stuff I procrastinated on, a little. OP, tell your Fi that you just want to have an idea of the amount of guests and a ballpark budget. Take him to venues and when he realizes there are only two Saturdays available next year, in the summer, he will begin to understand.

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2014

I won't say it's a guy thing, but it's definitely a "people who haven't been exposed to wedding planning" thing to not realize how long these things can take to plan, or how far in advance things can be booked up. The timeline really helped FI, along with hearing the venue and several photographers were booked for the date we asked for 9 months out. When we first started, we went through the timeline together so he understood we needed to book x, y and z right now, a, b and c in the next 3 months, then get a break til whenever. We also figured out which things he wanted to have input into, which he didn't care about, and which he would handle the most of the legwork on. Be patient but specific with what need to be done. If it still overwhelms him, I agree you may need to slow things down and maybe rethink your date. Good luck!

phira · May 2014

My partner and I have talked a lot about the sexism surrounding wedding planning. We're both progressive feminists, and yet we fell into the same patterns a lot of hetero couples fall into with wedding planning. I'd feel like I was doing ALL the planning and that he wasn't helping, and he'd feel like I was making all the decisions and nixing all of his ideas.

So keep in mind that while you've been encouraged (and probably expected) to plan your wedding throughout your whole life, he hasn't been. And he's still not expected to be involved as much as you are in wedding planning; our venue gave us a binder of information, and it's all written addressed to the bride, and it includes notes like, "Make sure you tell the groom this information." It makes me want to scream.

For your particular case, here's what I recommend:

- Start with numbers. How much can you/will you spend? And come up with a "we must invite these people" guest list.

- Plan around vendors, not details. It's easier to say, "We need to find a venue available on [date] in [price range] that can accommodate [number] people," than it is to say, "What kind of venue do you see us getting married in? Rustic? Modern?"

- If he's very UGH about planning, it might be easier for you to do the bulk of the "research" and present him with a smaller array of options. For example, pick a price range for invitations and find an invitation vendor you like. Then, pick 10 invitations you like and send them to him and ask for his favorites. We did this; my partner found it much less overwhelming to look at 10 invitation styles than 200, and since I had already weeded out all the ones I hated and only presented him with ones I knew I loved, it was impossible for him to pick one I didn't like.

- If you do not have a wedding venue booked, you do not have a wedding date. I'm entirely serious. It sounds like your guy might be a better planning partner if you are done moving and settling in. You can plan a wedding in 9-10 months, but you don't have to. Basically, if you need a longer engagement because one of you is a bit planning-shy, then have a longer engagement. Until you've got a venue booked, you don't have a wedding date.

- Finally, absolutely do NOT just plan the whole wedding on your own. It's obviously important to you to have your guy be your partner in planning, and there are stories all the time about how, "My groom said he didn't care about [detail], but now he's mad that I picked something he didn't like." Obviously, you can't focus him to plan with you, and plan with a huge smile on his face. But what you want is not unreasonable.

faithdevilsbee · May 2014

We are 14 months out to the wedding yet, but my FI has the same impression. While he doesn't bite my head off, he just shuts down and says he is overwhelmed. So I'm breaking it down similar to the timeline/the things that are most important to me. Our date is most important because it holds meaning to us, so venue is step one. After I got him to agree to that, I moved on to the photographer. I can't tell him there are 4 different things I'm looking at, but I can present him one thing at a time, one day at a time, and that seems to work best.

And definitely don't interrupt video game time. Nerds be angry when you distract from their PS4!

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

What's with this sudden proliferation of usernames Knotties old owed by a string of numbers? This is the second one I've seen.

CMGragain · May 2014

Have you talked about what kind of wedding you both want? He may want something small and simple. You sound like you want a big, traditional wedding. Who will be paying for this wedding?

My DH just wanted to get married. He expected to be married in church, but he wanted as little fuss and expense as possible. We had a small church wedding with a cake and punch reception. It took two months to plan.

Make sure that you both have the same idea in mind before planning anytrhing.

LadyMillil · May 2014

My DH didn't bite my head off when I approached him about wedding planning, but he didn't realize how far in advance some things need to be done until I called a venue and they had 2 dates left in April and 1 in May. It helped to show him a time line checklist (there are tons on Pinterest and TK has a good one). The checklist also helped us break down what things he was interested in planning, so he could take the lead there and do the research. For most things he wasn't interested in I found if I started reading off a list of all the appetizers or entrees that were available, his eyes would sort of glaze over and he'd say "whatever you want". That didn't work for me because I wanted his input. I started picking my top 3-5 choices and then told him you need to pick 2 from a, b, c, d.

Grabows14 · May 2014

Yea I think you need to put it in perspective for him.

My FI thought the same thing when I wanted to book venues in April 2013 when our wedding was in Sept 2014. After I got emails from reception halls saying which days they were booked and stuff (a year and a half out) he got the picture and started planning with me.

Maybe your FI needs a similar approach?

Inkdancer · May 2014

My FI reacts best when I say "we need to talk about X. Can you be prepared with Y and Z on Saturday afternoon?"

But in terms of getting him to realize you need to start, I definitely agree that you should lay out for him all the things that have to be done. When he realizes how much planning goes into a wedding, he'll probably be less cranky about it. But do prepare him to talk about it--don't spring it on him when he's in the middle of something.

thisismynickname2 · May 2014

I fully agree with actually setting aside time, an actual appointment, just to talk about wedding stuff so that he's in the right frame of mind. Previous posters have great advice.

FI was the person who initiated all the "let's get married" talks and planned the engagement and all of that, but yet, he had this impression that it was "the bride's day" and that I should do all the planning. He also got overwhelmed right away and said, "I just want to enjoy being engaged for a bit."

Basically, even the most prepared man can still get taken aback by actually BEING ENGAGED, so let him breathe first, and then follow the advice of everyone else.

Once we hashed out the budget and estimated guest list, I did most- but not all- of the legwork and gave him stuff to review. He's very businesslike about it all and once we were over those initial hurdles, everything's been great. Don't worry.

Knottie04135568 · May 2014

Thanks for the input! We do have a budget which is not big and the date he wants does have great meaning for us. I know it goes against the grain to pick the date first but we will just end up with the venue that is available to us that day and it will be perfect. I do think that he wants something smaller than I do, which is very much why we need to talk. I think I will try to see if we can set some time up this weekend to discuss big picture things. He is a gamer so I can ask him anything while he is playing and he'll just say yes! Lol! Which is why asking him to set aside time is a great idea cuz he is always playing games! As for the user who asked about my username, Knottie and a string of numbers, I have no idea! I would like to change it but can't figure out how. Any advice would be great! What I would like to know is where all of these abbreviations come from! I'm guessing FI is fiancée (why that would be easier than typing it out I don't know) DH is stumping me and there have been many others I've seen. Is there a page explaining all of those for a newbie? Thanks!

LadyMillil · May 2014

There is a thread of the Tech Help board that explains how to change your username. If that doesn't work send a private message to KnotPorsha with 3 options for your username and she will change it for you.

There is a thread that lists the short forms. I'm not sure where it is, but if you try the search feature it should pop up.

DH is either Dear Husband or Damn Husband depending on the context.

phira · May 2014

I mean, it's not weird to want to get married on a date that has meaning for you. We picked our date because it's our anniversary. But I waited until we'd booked the venue to get a ticker and tell people, "We are getting married on [date]." Before then, it was, "We want to get married on [date]," or, "We're hoping for [date]." My point is, it's not backwards to pick a date that means something to you, but you have to prioritize. If the date is important, but it means a shorter engagement, then you need to be prepared for a shorter engagement and the challenges it entails.

And also--if you're worried about being able to communicate with your partner without getting snapped at ... that's maybe a red flag?

faithdevilsbee · May 2014

Knottie04135568 said:

Thanks for the input! We do have a budget which is not big and the date he wants does have great meaning for us. I know it goes against the grain to pick the date first but we will just end up with the venue that is available to us that day and it will be perfect. I do think that he wants something smaller than I do, which is very much why we need to talk. I think I will try to see if we can set some time up this weekend to discuss big picture things. He is a gamer so I can ask him anything while he is playing and he'll just say yes! Lol! Which is why asking him to set aside time is a great idea cuz he is always playing games! As for the user who asked about my username, Knottie and a string of numbers, I have no idea! I would like to change it but can't figure out how. Any advice would be great! What I would like to know is where all of these abbreviations come from! I'm guessing FI is fiancée (why that would be easier than typing it out I don't know) DH is stumping me and there have been many others I've seen. Is there a page explaining all of those for a newbie? Thanks!

I just talked about this on another thread, but just know STDs and BMs aren't as troublesome as they sound...

My groom doesn't want to talk

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