Having Maid of honor problems...please help!

kjml2014 · May 2014

My maid of honor is my best friend. Our friendship before I got engaged was rocky..as she started to only call or get together when she needed something. I care about her and wanted to keep our friendship so I asked her to be the moh (also she is the only briedesmaid that lives here) I have a little over 4 months before the wedding and she hasn't come to me at all about setting up a bridal shower, ordered her dress, or tried to come with me to any appointments (shes a stay at home mom, so her schedule is fairly open and I try to work around it as much as possible) I don't want to set up my own shower, as I feel I cant handle more on my plate. Is it selfish of me to want a shower, or want more participation from her? Ive sent her the knots article on duties of a moh to give her a guide, and I feel it did no good. What do I do? Im not one who likes confrontation, I care for her and do not want this to ruin the friendship. Do I need to rethink my moh?

Maggie0829 · May 2014

kcrowe20627 said:

My maid of honor is my best friend. Our friendship before I got engaged was rocky..as she started to only call or get together when she needed something. I care about her and wanted to keep our friendship so I asked her to be the moh (also she is the only briedesmaid that lives here) I have a little over 4 months before the wedding and she hasn't come to me at all about setting up a bridal shower, ordered her dress, or tried to come with me to any appointments (shes a stay at home mom, so her schedule is fairly open and I try to work around it as much as possible) I don't want to set up my own shower, as I feel I cant handle more on my plate. Is it selfish of me to want a shower, or want more participation from her? Ive sent her the knots article on duties of a moh to give her a guide, and I feel it did no good. What do I do? Im not one who likes confrontation, I care for her and do not want this to ruin the friendship. Do I need to rethink my moh?

I'm sorry but you shouldn't be surprised that she is acting this way. Your relationship was already rocky but you chose her as a MOH anyways so her not really being involved in your wedding isn't a shock.

As to the bolded. That probably pissed her off because those duties are shit. All she has to do is get her dress and show up at your wedding. She is not free labor, nor is she a wedding planner.

I am thinking you are already ruining this friendship. You assume that because she is a stay at home mom she has a flexible schedule. Yeah, probably not. A stay at home Mom works really hard and is usually pretty busy throughout the day and night. You then send her a list of shit duties to push the fact that your wedding is more important then anything going on in her life and she should just drop everything and get going on your shower and whatever else those duties consist of.

A shower is not a requirement. You don't throw your own unless you want to look like a silly, entitled brat.

I think you should do this girl a favor and dump her as your MOH. She deserves a better friend.

vsgal · May 2014

Nope. You asked her and now you can't unask her without ending the friendship.
If she was flaky before the engagement, why on earth would you think she would change after the engagement.

Also, she does not have to do anything but show up on the day of the wedding in the correct dress and smile for pictures. She does not have to plan a shower. If no one offers a shower, you do not get one. You cannot plan your own shower or expect others to do it for you. She does not have to go to appointments with you. That is your job. You and FI plan the wedding. If you are overwhelmed, you hire a planner.

FYI, stay at home moms are busy as shit. They don't sit on the couch watching Maury and eating bon bons all day.

And, throw away any lists from the knot that give responsibilities. The Knot's existence is to sell brides on crap and make money. They make money when a MOH throws a shower through vendors. The Knot doesn't give a crap about relationships that are trampled during the planning process. We, on these boards do, because we are a separate entity from the Knot and we don't want you to show your ass to your friends and family.

manateehugger · May 2014

kcrowe20627 said:

My maid of honor is my best friend. Our friendship before I got engaged was rocky..as she started to only call or get together when she needed something. I care about her and wanted to keep our friendship so I asked her to be the moh (also she is the only briedesmaid that lives here) I have a little over 4 months before the wedding and she hasn't come to me at all about setting up a bridal shower, ordered her dress, or tried to come with me to any appointments (shes a stay at home mom, so her schedule is fairly open and I try to work around it as much as possible) I don't want to set up my own shower, as I feel I cant handle more on my plate. Is it selfish of me to want a shower, or want more participation from her? Ive sent her the knots article on duties of a moh to give her a guide, and I feel it did no good. What do I do? Im not one who likes confrontation, I care for her and do not want this to ruin the friendship. Do I need to rethink my moh?

Ok. First, ignore everything The Knot tries to tell you about MOH or BM duties. The Knot wants you and your friends to blow as much money on your wedding as possible and doesn't care if your friendships get ruined in the process.

Second, your MOH doesn't have any duties except to get the dress, show up on time properly dressed and groom, and smile for pictures. That's it. Nothing more. Re-read that. She doesn't have to go to your shower or host your shower (that's time and money she may not have - or just money she doesn't want to spend on you - and that's her prerogative). She definitely doesn't have to go to any appointments. If you need planning help, go to your FI. If that's not enough, hire a planner.

Third, when is the deadline to order the dress? I'd sent her one last reminder a few days out and then leave it alone. Did you ask her about dress budget before you made your decision? It may be a finances issue.

Fourth, you cannot host your own shower. That would be incredibly tacky to do so (hey everyone, come give me presents!!!). Your MOH doesn't have to host it; anyone who wants to host the shower for you can do so. If no one offers, you just don't get one. I know that sucks, but it's the way it goes. It's not selfish to want her to plan a shower, but it is selfish to expect her to plan a shower.

Fifth, if you kick her out or demote her, you will ruin your friendship with her forever.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

If you're going to post the same question on multiple boards, please put 'XP' in the title. I answered you on Wedding Woes, so I'm copying and pasting:

1. You cannot throw yourself a shower; that is tacky.

2. Her only duties, as MOH or as BM, is to buy the right dress, show up on time and sober, and smile for photos.

3. If your relationship was rocky, asking her to be MOH was not going to fix that, much like having children doesn't fix rocky marriages.

4. You're allowed to want a shower, certainly, but you cannot demand one, throw yourself one, hint for one, or be pissy if you don't get one.

5. You cannot 'rethink' your MOH at this point without ending the friendship. If you demote her, kick her out, or replace her, you friendship will be over.

6. She does not have to come with you to any appointments. Yes, it would be nice if she wanted to, but she doesn't have to. Let that go.

7. If you care for her and want to preserve this friendship, lower your expectations, realise what her 'duties' are, and let it go.

kjml2014 · May 2014

I guess I should of been more clear in my post. I was told by the bridal shop they need 12 weeks to order dresses, then they prefer 4 weeks to alter and fit the dress. My other bridesmaids, family, and friends are asking me about the shower...and I don't know how to reply. I don't need gifts, I'm trying to please everyone around me right now. The stay at home mother comment came out wrong, I completely get that. I was a single mom of 2 kids for 10 years, I understand its busy. I babysit for her now so she can have alone time and naps and such, I know shes not doing nothing all day. I'm trying to get her input on different little things in wedding, like what jewelry she would like so I can plan on what to get bridesmaids for their gifts and such because I am paying for everything I need to budget now... I just wanted her to feel included and acknowledged is all. I'm not expecting her to go to my appointments, and such.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

kcrowe20627 said:

I guess I should of been more clear in my post. I was told by the bridal shop they need 12 weeks to order dresses, then they prefer 4 weeks to alter and fit the dress. My other bridesmaids, family, and friends are asking me about the shower...and I don't know how to reply. I don't need gifts, I'm trying to please everyone around me right now. The stay at home mother comment came out wrong, I completely get that. I was a single mom of 2 kids for 10 years, I understand its busy. I babysit for her now so she can have alone time and naps and such, I know shes not doing nothing all day. I'm trying to get her input on different little things in wedding, like what jewelry she would like so I can plan on what to get bridesmaids for their gifts and such because I am paying for everything I need to budget now... I just wanted her to feel included and acknowledged is all. I'm not expecting her to go to my appointments, and such.

If she doesn't order the dress on time, she's taken herself out of the wedding. Problem solved.

If your other BMs are asking about the shower, tell them, 'I don't know that MOH has anything planned. If you want to plan something, go right ahead.' Being the MOH doesn't mean you have to plan the shower. I have planned showers for brides for whom I was not MOH.

If you are buying them jewellery that they're expected to wear in the wedding, that is NOT a BM gift. I suggest letting them wear their own jewellery, and then you don't have to worry about it.

It's clear she doesn't want to feel included, so you should probably just let that go.

Maggie0829 · May 2014

kcrowe20627 said:

I guess I should of been more clear in my post. I was told by the bridal shop they need 12 weeks to order dresses, then they prefer 4 weeks to alter and fit the dress. My other bridesmaids, family, and friends are asking me about the shower...and I don't know how to reply. I don't need gifts, I'm trying to please everyone around me right now. The stay at home mother comment came out wrong, I completely get that. I was a single mom of 2 kids for 10 years, I understand its busy. I babysit for her now so she can have alone time and naps and such, I know shes not doing nothing all day. I'm trying to get her input on different little things in wedding, like what jewelry she would like so I can plan on what to get bridesmaids for their gifts and such because I am paying for everything I need to budget now... I just wanted her to feel included and acknowledged is all. I'm not expecting her to go to my appointments, and such.

I am sorry to say but you have bought into the wedding industry bullshit 100%.

Like PP said if she doesn't get the dress then she took herself out of the wedding. But just because the shop prefers 4 weeks for alterations does not mean that it is mandatory. In fact, your BMs do not even have to go through the shop for alterations. They would probably be better going to an individually owned seamstress rather then pay out of the butt for salon alterations.

When people ask you about a shower you simply say that you haven't heard anything about one being planned. The leave it at that.

Jewelry is not a gift. Anything that is to be worn or used during your wedding is not a gift, it is part of the attire of the day to make your wedding look the way you want.

I get you want her to feel included, but if she doesn't want to help then she doesn't want to help. All you can do is ask and then move on if she doesn't respond.

Bubblegum5586 · May 2014

vsgal said:

Nope. You asked her and now you can't unask her without ending the friendship.
If she was flaky before the engagement, why on earth would you think she would change after the engagement.

Also, she does not have to do anything but show up on the day of the wedding in the correct dress and smile for pictures. She does not have to plan a shower. If no one offers a shower, you do not get one. You cannot plan your own shower or expect others to do it for you. She does not have to go to appointments with you. That is your job. You and FI plan the wedding. If you are overwhelmed, you hire a planner.

FYI, stay at home moms are busy as shit. They don't sit on the couch watching Maury and eating bon bons all day.

And, throw away any lists from the knot that give responsibilities. The Knot's existence is to sell brides on crap and make money. They make money when a MOH throws a shower through vendors. The Knot doesn't give a crap about relationships that are trampled during the planning process. We, on these boards do, because we are a separate entity from the Knot and we don't want you to show your ass to your friends and family.

This

grumbledore · May 2014

kcrowe20627 said:

My maid of honor is my best friend. Our friendship before I got engaged was rocky..as she started to only call or get together when she needed something. I care about her and wanted to keep our friendship so I asked her to be the moh (also she is the only briedesmaid that lives here) I have a little over 4 months before the wedding and she hasn't come to me at all about setting up a bridal shower, ordered her dress, or tried to come with me to any appointments (1. shes a stay at home mom, so her schedule is fairly open and I try to work around it as much as possible) I don't want to set up my own shower, as I feel I cant handle more on my plate. 2. Is it selfish of me to want a shower, or want more participation from her? Ive sent her the knots article on duties of a moh to give her a guide, and I feel it did no good. What do I do? Im not one who likes confrontation, I care for her and do not want this to ruin the friendship. 3. Do I need to rethink my moh?

1. Don't presume to know what another person's schedule/obligations/reality is.

2. Yes.

3. No, this would be completely unacceptable.

Not everyone gets a bridal shower. If someone offers to do this for you, that's great. If not, you don't get one and the world will keep on turning and you will still get married and life will go on.

Emmy1493 · May 2014

kcrowe20627 said:

My maid of honor is my best friend. Our friendship before I got engaged was rocky..as she started to only call or get together when she needed something. I care about her and wanted to keep our friendship so I asked her to be the moh (also she is the only briedesmaid that lives here) I have a little over 4 months before the wedding and she hasn't come to me at all about setting up a bridal shower, ordered her dress, or tried to come with me to any appointments (shes a stay at home mom, so her schedule is fairly open and I try to work around it as much as possible) I don't want to set up my own shower, as I feel I cant handle more on my plate. Is it selfish of me to want a shower, or want more participation from her? Ive sent her the knots article on duties of a moh to give her a guide, and I feel it did no good. What do I do? Im not one who likes confrontation, I care for her and do not want this to ruin the friendship. Do I need to rethink my moh?

No. What you do need to rethink is your expectations from her. He is a SAHM, even if you think her schedule is open, that might not be the case. Taking care of kids can be very tiresome. You say you have kids, so you should really understand that. And packing them in a car seat, and taking them around while you shop for a dress/her dress can be very tiresome, too. Plus, a BM is not required to throw such parties. And you shouldn't throw yourself one as it looks AW-ish and gift-grabby.

How about put all of your wedding stuff aside for a moment, and just be a friend to her. Ask how she is doing, and put wedding talk on a hold. There might be more going on that you might even know. I understand that weddings are exciting for you atm, but life still goes on around you. Don't you want to still have her around after all is said and done? That is what you might wanna rethink....

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

kcrowe20627 said:

My maid of honor is my best friend. Our friendship before I got engaged was rocky..as she started to only call or get together when she needed something. I care about her and wanted to keep our friendship so I asked her to be the moh (also she is the only briedesmaid that lives here) I have a little over 4 months before the wedding and she hasn't come to me at all about setting up a bridal shower, ordered her dress, or tried to come with me to any appointments (shes a stay at home mom, so her schedule is fairly open and I try to work around it as much as possible) I don't want to set up my own shower, as I feel I cant handle more on my plate. Is it selfish of me to want a shower, or want more participation from her? Ive sent her the knots article on duties of a moh to give her a guide, and I feel it did no good. What do I do? Im not one who likes confrontation, I care for her and do not want this to ruin the friendship. Do I need to rethink my moh?

I missed this in your OP both times (on this board and on WW), but someone on WW caught it, and I'm glad they did.

You SENT HER A LIST of her supposed duties, and you wonder why she's not being more responsive?? @Maggie0829 is dead-on, you've bought into the wedding industry bullshit, you've drunk their Kool-Aid, and you are down the rabbit hole.

Her ONLY duties are to buy the right dress (which will be in her price range because you asked her that, privately, beforehand), show up on time and sober, and smile for photos. Nothing more. Certainly not throwing a party for you, and certainly not anything else on TK's list of brideslave duties.

climbingsingle · May 2014

kcrowe20627 said:

My maid of honor is my best friend. Our friendship before I got engaged was rocky..as she started to only call or get together when she needed something. I care about her and wanted to keep our friendship so I asked her to be the moh (also she is the only briedesmaid that lives here) I have a little over 4 months before the wedding and she hasn't come to me at all about setting up a bridal shower, ordered her dress, or tried to come with me to any appointments (shes a stay at home mom, so her schedule is fairly open and I try to work around it as much as possible) I don't want to set up my own shower, as I feel I cant handle more on my plate. Is it selfish of me to want a shower, or want more participation from her? Ive sent her the knots article on duties of a moh to give her a guide, and I feel it did no good. What do I do? Im not one who likes confrontation, I care for her and do not want this to ruin the friendship. Do I need to rethink my moh?

Holy shit

MairePoppy · May 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

kcrowe20627 said:

My maid of honor is my best friend. Our friendship before I got engaged was rocky..as she started to only call or get together when she needed something. I care about her and wanted to keep our friendship so I asked her to be the moh (also she is the only briedesmaid that lives here) I have a little over 4 months before the wedding and she hasn't come to me at all about setting up a bridal shower, ordered her dress, or tried to come with me to any appointments (shes a stay at home mom, so her schedule is fairly open and I try to work around it as much as possible) I don't want to set up my own shower, as I feel I cant handle more on my plate. Is it selfish of me to want a shower, or want more participation from her? Ive sent her the knots article on duties of a moh to give her a guide, and I feel it did no good. What do I do? Im not one who likes confrontation, I care for her and do not want this to ruin the friendship. Do I need to rethink my moh?

Holy shit

I wish the @TKConcierges would run over that list of BM duties with a truck.

kcrowe20627 I recommend 'Miss Manners Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding.' Judith Martin's etiquette advice is more reliable than the etiquette advice you'll get from the wedding industry.

CMGragain · May 2014

My daughter didn't get a shower. My daughter paid for her MOH's dress because she knew the girl couldn't afford it. The friendship was more important to her than money or gifts.
What makes you so special?

jneen101 · May 2014

kjml2014 said:

Ive sent her the knots article on duties of a moh to give her a guide, and I feel it did no good. What do I do?

Did you put the article in a binder? That's probably the problem. I know a lot of women here distribute binders full of duties to the bridal party and that is probably more effective. Try a binder!

tammym1001 · May 2014

jneen101 said:

kjml2014 said:

Ive sent her the knots article on duties of a moh to give her a guide, and I feel it did no good. What do I do?

Did you put the article in a binder? That's probably the problem. I know a lot of women here distribute binders full of duties to the bridal party and that is probably more effective. Try a binder!

It must be monogrammed though!

jneen101 · May 2014

tammym1001 said:

jneen101 said:

kjml2014 said:

Ive sent her the knots article on duties of a moh to give her a guide, and I feel it did no good. What do I do?

Did you put the article in a binder? That's probably the problem. I know a lot of women here distribute binders full of duties to the bridal party and that is probably more effective. Try a binder!

It must be monogrammed though!

And it needs a poem!

MairePoppy · May 2014

Tell whoever asks about the shower that as far as you know there are none planned. Maybe one of them will step up. But it's never okay to expect anyone, not even the MOH, to throw parties for you. You have to wait until someone offers. If no one offers, then you don't get a shower. It's not wrong of you to want one, but if it doesn't happen, it's not the end of the world. Under no circumstances, should you set up your own shower.

Since you babysit for your MOH's kids, I assume you see her. Get the info from the salon on the last date to order the dress. Give that info to her and drop it. If you don't see her, text it to her. Don't send any reminders after that. If she doesn't get her dress on time, she will be removing herself from the wedding party and she can attend as a guest. It's not necessary, or nice, for you to kick her out. I wonder if you asked her privately for a budget for the dress. This could be a financial issue for her, especially if she's a stay at home mom.

TK gives out terrible advice on wedding party, parent duties and what the bride and groom should expect. They should have rewritten those pages long ago. Proper etiquette advice doesn't encourage brides, or others, to put their relationships at risk. I hate to think of all the friendships that may have been tarnished because the bride though she was being cheated out of showers, attention, money etc... Best wishes going forward.

@knotporscha

Kwarrennj · May 2014

First of all, people on these message boards are mean.

I totally understand being disappointed. It IS the MOH's duty to plan the shower and the bachelorette party. Appointments can be tough. I suggest talking to your other bridesmaids or you mom and about throwing you a shower, because you have to have a shower! I don't think you should kick her out of your wedding, but I would try to lean on your other bridesmaids and family members as to not embarrass her. YOU ARE NOT BEING BRATTY FOR WANTING A SHOWER! YOU DESRVE IT.

Feel better!

manateehugger · May 2014

Kwarrennj said:

First of all, people on these message boards are mean.

I totally understand being disappointed. It IS the MOH's duty to plan the shower and the bachelorette party. Appointments can be tough. I suggest talking to your other bridesmaids or you mom and about throwing you a shower, because you have to have a shower! I don't think you should kick her out of your wedding, but I would try to lean on your other bridesmaids and family members as to not embarrass her. YOU ARE NOT BEING BRATTY FOR WANTING A SHOWER! YOU DESRVE IT.

Feel better!

You are so wrong. How can it be your friend's duty to blow tons of time and money on you? That's such a screwed up attitude. You're supposed to have bridesmaids so you can honor your closest friends and have them stand next to you as you get married, not to have free labor.

Appointments can be tough?! Seriously? What does that even mean? I didn't find it oh so tough to eat cake, look at flowers, and pick out music.

Actually, no one said she was bratty for wanting a shower; I think a lot of brides want a shower. I know I did. But screaming that you deserve a day where people come to deliver gifts to you is bratty. Holy cow. What is wrong with you?

climbingsingle · May 2014

Kwarrennj said:

First of all, people on these message boards are mean.

I totally understand being disappointed. It IS the MOH's duty to plan the shower and the bachelorette party. Appointments can be tough. I suggest talking to your other bridesmaids or you mom and about throwing you a shower, because you have to have a shower! I don't think you should kick her out of your wedding, but I would try to lean on your other bridesmaids and family members as to not embarrass her. YOU ARE NOT BEING BRATTY FOR WANTING A SHOWER! YOU DESRVE IT.

Feel better!

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

And WRONG.

buddysmom80 · May 2014

Kwarrennj said:

First of all, people on these message boards are mean.

I totally understand being disappointed. It IS the MOH's duty to plan the shower and the bachelorette party. Appointments can be tough. I suggest talking to your other bridesmaids or you mom and about throwing you a shower, because you have to have a shower! I don't think you should kick her out of your wedding, but I would try to lean on your other bridesmaids and family members as to not embarrass her. YOU ARE NOT BEING BRATTY FOR WANTING A SHOWER! YOU DESRVE IT.

Feel better!

No one deserves shit. My MOH probably won't have a bridal shower or bachelorette party for me because her life is too busy right now. Guess what? That's okay. I'm not all "but MOH, I'm sorry you're paying for IUI treatments but I DESERVE A BRIDAL SHOWER DAMMIT!" No, I'm supportive with what she has going on.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

Kwarrennj said:

First of all, people on these message boards are mean.

I totally understand being disappointed. It IS the MOH's duty to plan the shower and the bachelorette party. Appointments can be tough. I suggest talking to your other bridesmaids or you mom and about throwing you a shower, because you have to have a shower! I don't think you should kick her out of your wedding, but I would try to lean on your other bridesmaids and family members as to not embarrass her. YOU ARE NOT BEING BRATTY FOR WANTING A SHOWER! YOU DESRVE IT.

Feel better!

First bold:

Second bold:

Third bold:

Actually, your entire post:

KGold80 · May 2014

When I asked my MOH to stand up with me I did so because she is my best friend in the whole world (aside from my FI) and I love her. She lives out of state. She told me that she would feel bad because she couldn't throw me a shower due to living out of state. You know what? I DO NOT CARE! She's my best friend. I love her. She is standing up with me. She looks beautiful in her dress. She asks me how things are going. I occasionally ask for her advice or opinion on things and she freely gives it. Neither of those last two things are required - very much appreciated, but certainly not required.

I'm probably not gonna have a shower because my other bridesmaid is a 12 year old...and I'm 34 years old. I don't need a bunch of stuff. I do not care whether or not someone throws me a party because I am not an entitled brat and I don't think I "deserve" one. At the end of the day, I'll be just as married and my MOH will be a little bit less broke given that she bought a dress and is traveling to come to my wedding.

For anyone who thinks a shower is something you "deserve" and you would honestly be pissed off at your friend for not being able or willing to host one - you need to get your fucking priorities in order.

climbingsingle · May 2014

I really don't get the insistence that someone deserves gifts and a shower and parties. I just don't understand how someone goes about in life thinking they deserve these things.

Do you also think you deserve a college degree without the work? A 6 figure job handed to you without working to get it? A house free and clear without a mortgage?

Ugh. Special snowflakes.

Cookie Pusher · May 2014

My MOH and BM didn't throw me a shower or a bach party. No one helped me with any of the DIY projects or go to any dress buying trips. Does that mean I should tell my sisters, 47 days out, that they are no longer part of my wedding?

Having Maid of honor problems...please help!

Re: Having Maid of honor problems...please help!

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