NWR friend frustrations. (update in thread)

JCbride2015 · May 2014

To make a long story as short as possible: my college BFF has some mental problems which are normally well-controlled, but she's in a very toxic living situation and is currently not in a good place health wise. She calls me a lot and is often really vague, but alarming, about her feelings and symptoms. She lives quite far away and we don't see each other often; and I'm incredibly busy so it's hard for me to talk a lot. I am becoming afraid she will hurt or kill herself, and I'll end up feeling responsible because I wasn't there for her enough. But I also recognize this is totally irrational to take this responsibility on myself. And it makes me really frustrated when everything is always about her problems-- we can't just have a normal friendship. Then I feel guilty for thinking that!

So we talked today and she pointed out I did not call her on her bday which was a few days ago. I've just been really discombobulated because it's my graduation week and between family events and not having classes, I don't even know what day it is most of the time. She said it's not really a big deal, but obviously it was a big enough deal that she mentioned it to me. I just feel really terrible. But then again, I can't think of another friend who would be upset I didn't call. I just feel really responsible for her happiness and well-being right now and it's stressing me out.

I don't know how much I should try to make this up to her or just let it go. And in general I'm struggling to manage this friendship. I really love her. But I just can't have this much responsibility on my shoulders.

Blergbot · May 2014

Do you have any mutual friends or do you know her family? It might be wise to voice these concerns to someone who's in a better position to help her. If not, maybe do some short legwork and find her a couple of counseling options. I would't say, you really need to be in counseling. Something more like: I love you and I'm worried about you. Here is some stuff you might look into that might be able to help you more than I can. But I'm here for you either way.

JCbride2015 · May 2014

Blergbot said:

Do you have any mutual friends or do you know her family? It might be wise to voice these concerns to someone who's in a better position to help her. If not, maybe do some short legwork and find her a couple of counseling options. I would't say, you really need to be in counseling. Something more like: I love you and I'm worried about you. Here is some stuff you might look into that might be able to help you more than I can. But I'm here for you either way.

Oh, should have mentioned. She's currently in counseling and under the care of several doctors. And her family is part of the problem, unfortunately.

So at least she is getting treatment. But obviously it's not a magic pill.

Blergbot · May 2014

Ok. Well, it's a good thing she's in counseling. If things were really dire, and you thought harm was imminent, you might call her counselor and voice your concerns (knowing they can't discuss her case with you). Such a move could be friend ending, but it'd be worth it to save her life. Another, less serious option: address your concerns with her directly. Let her know that you love and care about her and you hate to see her so down, etc. then, if you felt the moment was right, you could voice your concerns about her harming herself.

tortoisebride · May 2014

It's okay to walk away. I don't necessarily think you should and I don't think you want to, but I thought it might be good for you to hear that. Her life and mental state are not your responsibility. I've been on both sides of this kind of relationship (let's call them Sad and Friend). It's better for both if each side understands that Friend can't be Sad's only support, and that it is not fair to expect her to be. It's a hard thing to express to Sad and depending on the personalities involved it may not get through at all. Some Sads are very possessive and can be manipulative, or they're just that unhappy that they can't see outside of themselves, or they may not realize how much of the friendship's emotional bandwidth they're taking up. It's okay for you to say you're sorry you didn't call her on her birthday and you understand that you hurt her feelings, but also you have had a lot of things going on in your own life and it's not fair to expect you to always put her before yourself. Hedge a lot and say how important she is to you etc. a lot of times, but it's important to assert your own needs.

You should also google advice on being friends with a depressed person. Here's one page.

Blergbot said:

Ok. Well, it's a good thing she's in counseling. If things were really dire, and you thought harm was imminent, you might call her counselor and voice your concerns (knowing they can't discuss her case with you). Such a move could be friend ending, but it'd be worth it to save her life. Another, less serious option: address your concerns with her directly. Let her know that you love and care about her and you hate to see her so down, etc. then, if you felt the moment was right, you could voice your concerns about her harming herself.

Yeah this also fo real.

SapphireCounselor · May 2014

That is a really tough situation! It is completely understandable that you just don't feel like you, as a friend, can offer her all the support she seems to need. I am glad to hear that she is seeing both a counselor and doctor. All you can really do is just be there for her, continue to encourage her to use the resources available to her, and encourage her to protect herself from people or situations that are triggers. It is also very appropriate to simply say, "Friend, I love you and am very concerned about your current living situation/ when you say..." Be specific. You can also make her promise to call her counselor if ever she begins to feel suicidal.

Additionally, if you are worried (as you seem to be) about the possibility that she would try to take her own life amd want to go a step farther there are actually free trainings (QPR and ASSIST specifically) that can train anyone, even non-mental health folks, about how to get help for even suicidal strangers and certainly friends. Believe it or not, most of the strategies taught in these classes can literally be used over the phone. These trainings would be offered by the county mental health department in your area. There are of course national hotlines as well that can intervene too.

wandajune6 · May 2014

I don't have anything to add that the PPs haven't said, just a story. I was in a similar situation once many years ago but the friend wasn't in counseling nor did she have family (or me) around. She scared me shitless one night over the phone and I called the cops. She was put on a 72 hour psych hold and never spoke to me again.

I got a call from her mom months later thanking me so I know I made the right call.

Situations like this are very difficult and there is no easy way of handling things. Just remember that none of this your responsibility.

SapphireCounselor · May 2014

tortoisebride said:
It's okay to walk away. I don't necessarily think you should and I don't think you want to, but I thought it might be good for you to hear that. Her life and mental state are not your responsibility. I've been on both sides of this kind of relationship (let's call them Sad and Friend). It's better for both if each side understands that Friend can't be Sad's only support, and that it is not fair to expect her to be. It's a hard thing to express to Sad and depending on the personalities involved it may not get through at all. Some Sads are very possessive and can be manipulative, or they're just that unhappy that they can't see outside of themselves, or they may not realize how much of the friendship's emotional bandwidth they're taking up. It's okay for you to say you're sorry you didn't call her on her birthday and you understand that you hurt her feelings, but also you have had a lot of things going on in your own life and it's not fair to expect you to always put her before yourself. Hedge a lot and say how important she is to you etc. a lot of times, but it's important to assert your own needs.

You should also google advice on being friends with a depressed person. Here's one page.

Blergbot said:

Ok. Well, it's a good thing she's in counseling. If things were really dire, and you thought harm was imminent, you might call her counselor and voice your concerns (knowing they can't discuss her case with you). Such a move could be friend ending, but it'd be worth it to save her life. Another, less serious option: address your concerns with her directly. Let her know that you love and care about her and you hate to see her so down, etc. then, if you felt the moment was right, you could voice your concerns about her harming herself.

Yeah this also fo real.

Agree! You can definitely reach out to her counselor as well if you happen to know who that is. Suicide is taken so seriously in the mental health world that it is actually one of the few conditions that allows counselors to break their client's confidentiality if it will help save his or her life.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

I don't have any advice, just moral support. It's a tough situation to be in, and I have so much empathy for you, because it's hard.

(((HUGS)))

phira · May 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think that it's okay to take some space. I actually think it was really unkind of her to point out that you missed her birthday. It's one thing to MENTION that it was your birthday, like in passing ("How are you doing?" "I'm all right. It was my birthday on Friday, so I've been treating myself to a Netflix marathon all weekend!"). But it's another to straight up be all, "Friend, you didn't call me on my birthday."

Either way, she is in treatment. She's getting help. You are not responsible for her, and there's nothing you, personally, can do to make her life better. And, by that same token, unless you are cruel and deliberately horrible to her, you are not single-handedly going to make her spiral.

You need to put yourself first her. It's okay to say, "I'm happy to talk with you and catch up, but I need a break from talking about X or Y." It's okay to say, "I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me about Z, but it's very hard for me to hear you say these things. Maybe let's try to have some conversations without talking about Z?" Where X, Y, and Z are her problems that stress you out to listen to.

It might seem really petty to prioritize yourself. After all, the stress you experience when she talks about X, Y, and Z can't even compare to the depression and stress and misery she experiences on a daily basis. And surely you could bear a little stress if talking about X, Y, or Z can relieve some of her unhappiness. Right?

Except that's not how it works. Making you miserable and stressed isn't actually helping her. It's actually driving you away and damaging your relationship. And this toxic mindset comes with two additional insidiously bad assumptions: That nothing in your life is important enough or stressful enough to take precedence over her life (wrong), and that you are able to control the situation so that she won't hurt herself (also wrong).

It's an awful situation all around. But I give you permission to put yourself first, to feel upset about how your friendship is, and to get some space.

JCbride2015 · May 2014

Thank you everybody, so much, for such level-headed advice and kind words! It is really, really hard to balance trying to be there for her but make sure I take care of myself. I really appreciate your thoughts.

lc07 · May 2014

The PPs have given you great advice. Just wanted to add that I'm sorry you and your friend are going through this. Internet hugging you.

KytchynWitche · May 2014

The people of this forum give excellent advice.

All the hugs for you!

JCbride2015 · May 2014

Okay, I'm bumping this because more Things have happened. She just texted me, out of the blue, "My brother is dangerous." (She lives with her mom, grandma, and younger brother. I think he's like 15)

This is all:

Friend:

My brother is dangerous.

Me:

What?

Why?

Friend:

I'm scared of him. Do you have time to talk tonight at all?

I told her I can call her later, but I'm just really sort of exhausted by all of this. I have told her before that she just needs to get out of this situation, and she agrees, but she can't afford her own place right now. She has never before told me her brother is dangerous (although he has some behavior problems, and maybe ADHD or the like).

So how do I handle this when I call her back? I feel really selfish for not wanting to engage this right now-- I don't even have anything else to do tonight, I have just reached my drama quota.

And if she's telling me she thinks she is actually in physical danger from her brother. What the fuck am I supposed to do about it? Should I be calling authorities or something?

IrishPirate60 · May 2014

JC, you know the phrase "above my pay grade"? Now's the time to use it. Not in talking to your friend, but for yourself.

For your friend, she needs the number of the local crisis line. Tell her to call and talk about her concerns for her brother. She doesn't need to have an imminent threat on her hands. The crisis line folks will be happy to talk to her. Tell her to call them and then let her call you back and tell you what she learned from them. Frankly, after what happened in Santa Barbara last night, it's good that she's hyper-aware.

At the same time, call your own local crisis line and ask for some suggestions. People who deal with crisis all the time have a perspective that the average person doesn't. You need your energy for your own life--but your friend is a part of that life too. Listening to her is putting you in crisis mode and a person with qualified ears can be a huge help.

Don't put off the call because it's the weekend, or a holiday. Crisis line is open 24/7. USE IT.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

I agree with PP. Tell her to call the local.crisis line. She will rely on you for emotional support until you tough love her enough to make her get the professional help she needs.

tortoisebride · May 2014

Agree with the above, but especially that YOU call your local crisis line, or look for national ones. Anything that can give you advice on dealing with this productively. You might also look up shelters in her area. Getting her to call a line or go to a place is going to be very hard if not impossible, but if you're going to keep being support for her, start being the kind that says "Do X, Y, or Z" instead of just "Oh honey." It will make you feel less useless and used to be able to give actual advice. Stick to it, too, even if she's all "oh I can't call the X because blah blah." If she gets angry at you for repeating the constructive advice, tough.

Especially this bit:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

She will rely on you for emotional support until you tough love her enough to make her get the professional help she needs.

NWR friend frustrations. (update in thread)

Re: NWR friend frustrations. (update in thread)

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