Ask for donations to charities:-)

mwooley · April 2014

My Fiance and I were worried about the reaction we got from people when we said no gifts...so we decided to tell people that if they MUST give, that they should give to people who are less fortunate (and don't already have a crowded apartment full of gadgets and things that the average American consumer thinks they need but really don't!). We chose 4 specific charities that we felt were good organizations that made significant impacts in healthcare, hunger alleviation, education, and environmental protection. People aren't perfectly happy with this approach (especially my parents), but it is an alternative to getting random ass gifts that you really don't need/want and that you don't have time to return!! My two cents....

larrygaga · April 2014

People can donate on their own time and shouldn't be told what to do with their money. They want to give YOU a gift. Random ass gifts are avoided when you make a registry. People are unhappy with it because it is condescending.

It's also really ungrateful to view a gift from someone as random ass and you don't have time or want it.

chibiyui · April 2014

Charity donations in lieu of gifts sounds nice, but can ruffle feathers.

Instead, when people ask, say that you have not registered, and have no need of anything. If they still choose to give you a gift, it will probably be cash, which you can donate to whatever chatity you like. Some people will give you a boxed gift. This is fine, you either get something you like, somethong you return, or a good story out of the metal chivken you cart off to goodwill. Regardless of what people give you, be gracious to your guests.

JennyColada · April 2014

What you do with the wedding gifts given to you is your business. Accept any gifts (of cash or items) graciously and then if you want to donate it to charity then that's your choice.

SammiNJonni · April 2014

While this sounds nice to you people want to give you a wedding gift not be told to donate. While you gave a choice of organizations people have issues wit some for whatever reason and recommending for them to donate there can ruffle feathers. Tell them you have everything you need and if they bring a gift you can donate it to charity yourself.

2leadsingers · April 2014

SammiNJonni said:

While this sounds nice to you people want to give you a wedding gift not be told to donate. While you gave a choice of organizations people have issues wit some for whatever reason and recommending for them to donate there can ruffle feathers. Tell them you have everything you need and if they bring a gift you can donate it to charity yourself.

I personally wouldn't give a gift to a charity of a bride and groom's choice if they told me that was what they wanted. If it was a charity that I supported, maybe. But there are a lot of things that go hand in hand with that, such as tax write offs and such that I don't qualify for due to my level of income ( making it useless to do itemized deductions, and previous to this year was not a homeowner or ablw to do that) and it wouldn't be a gift from me to the couple it would be a gift to a charity. Most likely I have already budgeted for the year where and when I want to do my charitable contributions and your wedding is not it. If I give you cash, that is perfectly fine for you to do with what you want, donate it, save it, spend it, whatever. But don't tell me you don't want a cash gift or a boxed gift, it tells me that what I want to give you isn't good enough for you, and the choices I make aren't respected. But thats just me.

phira · April 2014

Folks are trying to give you a gift. Asking them to donate to charity instead subtly implies, "You're foolish for not putting your money to better use."

Just don't register, and donate the cash gifts to the charity of your choice.

biggrouch · April 2014

Really? To me, a couple asking to donate to charity would subtly imply, "We would consider it a gift to us if you gave to the needy in our name." But maybe I'm just too content with the obvious meanings of sentences!

I don't get why such a suggestion (as long as it's a suggestion and not a request) would be condescending or rude. Gifts can ONLY be material goods? They can't be less tangible things? Not registering for gifts in order to extract maximum cash from your guests is fine, but not registering for gifts and hoping that your wedding will be the occasion for something nice to be done for needier people is omg the worst?

The only thing that would be rude, IMO, would be to imply that you weren't grateful for anything that you received, so giving the FULL explanation for your reasons (i.e. calling things "random-ass"

) is probably going to hurt the feelings of people who want to go ahead and give you material things anyway. But you probably didn't do that other than on the internet. (PS you can easily donate anything that you don't want to Goodwill or other thrift shops!)

phira · May 2014

biggrouch said:

Really? To me, a couple asking to donate to charity would subtly imply, "We would consider it a gift to us if you gave to the needy in our name." But maybe I'm just too content with the obvious meanings of sentences!

I don't get why such a suggestion (as long as it's a suggestion and not a request) would be condescending or rude. Gifts can ONLY be material goods? They can't be less tangible things? Not registering for gifts in order to extract maximum cash from your guests is fine, but not registering for gifts and hoping that your wedding will be the occasion for something nice to be done for needier people is omg the worst?

The only thing that would be rude, IMO, would be to imply that you weren't grateful for anything that you received, so giving the FULL explanation for your reasons (i.e. calling things "random-ass" ) is probably going to hurt the feelings of people who want to go ahead and give you material things anyway. But you probably didn't do that other than on the internet. (PS you can easily donate anything that you don't want to Goodwill or other thrift shops!)

The thing that's rude is saying (implicitly or otherwise) that you think people are wasting their money or being shallow by wanting to give you a gift. I have mixed feelings about registries because, yes, I think it's awkward to say, "Here's what we want." But given that registries serve additional functions (avoiding duplicates, for example), it's a bit less icky.

If you'd prefer not to receive anything at all, you're still going to get gifts. Might as well accept them with grace and then donate them to Goodwill, and then donate the money you received to charity as well.

Another sticky thing about charities is that, not always but often, people have very strong feelings about them. So what you think might be a benign/totally acceptable charity to ask people to donate to, might annoy or offend someone. Hell, I know we'd pick something like a rape crisis center or NARAL or something, and offend the pants off of my partner's family. Donate privately if you'd like, and even donate the gifts you receive. But these folks are trying to give YOU something; telling them to donate it instead is saying, "We don't want your gift, give it to someone else."

biggrouch · May 2014

Oh I just posted a question about this in another area b/c I thought this thread had died. Oh well. It was a slightly different question actually, so I guess it's OK hopefully.

I am still not convinced by the explanation, and I also think registries are more tacky than charities in the abstract (though of course I don't judge people for doing it and I appreciate it as a guest, and especially now that having no registry is considered to be a way of asking for cash gifts, you're pretty much between a rock and a hard place anyhow). BUT thank you for taking the time to explain it to me.

kittenkaboodle · May 2014

I attended a wedding last Thanksgiving and the happy couple asked for donations to the church's homeless program in lieu of gifts. Their wording "If you wish you may join with us during the wedding service in making a donation to the church, to help sustain their mission of feeding the hungry among us." I obviously cannot speak for everybody, but I thought it was a classy move and was more than happy to donate my usual gift amount. I will specify that this wedding was slightly unique in that the happy couple were older (50s and 60s) and by far the most well to do people there and I would have felt terribly awkward buying them a gift.

I do understand what PP have said and I do think there are some good points, but personally it would not bother me as long as there was a charity I approved of.

JennyColada · May 2014

kittenkaboodle said:

but personally it would not bother me as long as there was a charity I approved of.

And if it's not?

kittenkaboodle · May 2014

Yeah, I was wondering about that when I wrote that and until I am presented with the situation it's hard to know exactly how I would feel. I would assume as long as I didn't find the nonprofits to be offensive (if they were offensive I would probably wonder why I am friends with that person) I would think "oh what a nice gesture, it's a pity I don't want to put my money to that" and probably just not give a gift or give the couple cash. Again, that's just me.

dcaviston · May 2014

I think this is a great alternative to a gift registry. My fiance and I are making a donation to the dog rescue where we are getting married in each of our guests' names in loo of favors.

Jen4948 · June 2014

dcaviston said:

I think this is a great alternative to a gift registry. My fiance and I are making a donation to the dog rescue where we are getting married in each of our guests' names in loo of favors.

What if your guests wouldn't be okay with making a donation to a dog rescue? I'm certainly fine with dog rescues, but there are other causes I give higher priority to. And there are causes I don't support. If you gave to one and told me it was a gift to me, I'd be annoyed. Don't make assumptions that people are okay with the causes you want to donate to in their names. Some people even have to avoid association with causes for political or job-related reasons.

And if you don't want to give favors, just don't give them. Favors are not required. But even for those who don't want to receive favors, nobody wants to hear "we did something else with our money besides give you a gift." It does not come off as altruistic or self-sacrificing.

dcaviston · June 2014

Jen4948 said:

show previous quotes

dcaviston said:

I think this is a great alternative to a gift registry. My fiance and I are making a donation to the dog rescue where we are getting married in each of our guests' names in loo of favors.

What if your guests wouldn't be okay with making a donation to a dog rescue? I'm certainly fine with dog rescues, but there are other causes I give higher priority to. And there are causes I don't support. If you gave to one and told me it was a gift to me, I'd be annoyed. Don't make assumptions that people are okay with the causes you want to donate to in their names. Some people even have to avoid association with causes for political or job-related reasons.

And if you don't want to give favors, just don't give them. Favors are not required. But even for those who don't want to receive favors, nobody wants to hear "we did something else with our money besides give you a gift." It does not come off as altruistic or self-sacrificing.

This is where knowing your guests comes into play. Everyone that is coming to our wedding is family and knows that this particular rescue is important to us and animal rescue is important to our guests. They'd rather have a donation made to a good cause of any type rather than something that will be thrown out, left behind, or eaten. But yes you are are correct favors are optional and since my fiance and I have budgeted in for favors we are opting for the donation.

SachaBee · June 2014

@dcaviston: "in loo of favors"
That would be "in lieu of". "Lieu" is French for "place". "Loo" is British for toilet.
But this made me laugh for about in hour, so thanks for that, anyway.

dcaviston · June 2014

@sachabee, guess i should double check my posts when I am posting from my phone... Autocorrect got me. haha

SachaBee · June 2014

Haha, DYAC!!!

[Deleted User] · August 2014

I agree I'm not a fan of this... I'd be less likley to side eye if you just said make a donation anywhere but since you picked 4.. I'd probably roll my eyes. It'd make me feel like you are telling me that I have to donate and these are the ones you feel are the best. I do donate over the year but would not like being told where I have too.

You could not say anything and when you get the cash you could donate it where you want.. just a thought.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

JennyColada said:

show previous quotes

kittenkaboodle said:

but personally it would not bother me as long as there was a charity I approved of.

And if it's not?

When Grampa died, Gramma suggested donations to their church in lieu of flowers. Thing is, I hate their church. Sure, they got a lot of support and friends out of it, but it teaches that being gay is evil and that women are less than men. Let's say Gramma does something crazy and gets remarried at 91 years old, there's no way in hell I'm giving her a donation to her church in lieu of a gift. And if she says that in lieu of favors, she's made a donation to her backward-ass church, I'm gonna be asking where the hell my M&M's wrapped in tulle are!!!

Ask for donations to charities:-)

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