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I don't like this guy's 'tone'...

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
I’m a divorced father of a young girl, living in state A. Two years ago I met a wonderful woman online, in my same profession, who lives in neighboring state B, and we recently became engaged. I have a great co-parenting relationship with my ex and made clear from the start that I would not be willing to move to state B. My fiancée assured me this was not a problem as her ex was an absentee parent and she would be able to live in my state after she got court permission to move with her daughter. She would be giving up a very successful career in her state to start over with me. She notified her ex of her plans and he stepped up, going from 15 percent parenting to 50 percent. Now he says if my fiancée wants to move their daughter, the girl has to live with him during the school year and be with her mother during summers and every other weekend. My fiancée wants to proceed with this proposal. I’m struggling with this. Should I accept my fiancée doing something I find disturbing, leaving her daughter most of the year with her supposedly rotten ex, which I would not do myself? Or should I respect that this is her decision? I’m concerned she will get here and resent me for the inequality of the situation.

—Troubled

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Re: I don't like this guy's 'tone'...

  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    I'm curious how/why the court is not going to be involved in changing this custody arrangement. 

    How did the dad go from 15%-50%?
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  • tawillerstawillers member
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    *Barbie* said:
    I'm curious how/why the court is not going to be involved in changing this custody arrangement. 

    How did the dad go from 15%-50%?
    He probably wasn't living up to the existing custody arrangement.  They could have joint custody and he just didn't care to take advantage of the time he could have with his child until the mom said she was moving.
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  • GBCKGBCK member
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    I'm an awfully suspicious person, but...since this writer and his fi don't live together, is he just taking HER word for it that the ex is a deadbeat-acting-dad?  
    Because it's really easy to say "my ex sucks" to people who aren't around your ex.
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  • GBCKGBCK member
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    (Also, I'm side-eying the mom here for being OK w/ handing over custody because of a new guy.  I'm not saying it's not the right choice, but it's red-flag-ish to me)
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    this whole situation makes me think of a co-worker's ex wife. 

    she got primary custody of the kids, but he sees them every other weekend and occasional weeknights. he wants more time so will take the kids basically any time she asks. (and she asks a lot so she can go out and party). However she gets up in arms when he can't immediately drop the kids off whenever she asks because he's intruding on her time.

     (e.g. she calls at 6pm monday and asks him to watch the kids until 7am tuesday, when she will pick them up and take them to school. she never shows up to pick the kids up and is not answering her cell, so he drops the kids off and picks them back up at the end of the day because he has not gotten a call back. She will call him at 6 pm on tuesday and demand that he drop the kids off in the next 10 minutes or she will be calling the cops on him because he is taking time away from her. she has called the cops on him several times for this already -  he lives 30 minutes away so even if he dropped everything and took the kids there, he would never make the window.)

    I'm curious how much of this is deadbeat dad vs. psycho mother. 
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
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    So he expects her to drop her great career and start over where he is, and he's judging her hard for potentially having the kind of custody arrangement a lot of fathers have?  This reeks of misogyny and feminine mystique expectations.
    image
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  • GBCKGBCK member
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    Eh, I'd say there's a difference in judging someone for HAVING a custody arragement and judging someone for CHOOSING that custody arrangement.

    I'm not keen on the letter writer, but I'd say my eyebrow raise is to the latter--especially if mom has been ssaying that dad is unfit...but suddenly he's fit when it comes between her and her new family?

    That makes me not like anything about these people and want to make them break up yesterday.
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    Um, he didn't expect her to.  He made clear his expectation that I will not move from this state and if you want to be together it will be here...b/c he HAS A KID which he values and should.  She apparently continued dating him.  That was her decision to make and she made it.  She's also apparently okay with making all of these other decisions, he's the one uncomfortable b/c she's giving up so much (career, child) and worried about the aftermath of that power imbalance.  So, I don't think accusing him of misogyny fair at all.  Do you even believe men are capable of being feminists, Kuus?

    I actually think something is off with her b/c I don't know any mother that would seem so tra-la-la  (which is how it's coming across) about bio dad suddenly stepping up and stopping plans of moving w/child to another state.


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  • tawillerstawillers member
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    I agree with V.  All of a sudden mom is cool with absentee dad having the majority of the custody?

    Also, now I see what you were saying, @*Barbie*, about the custody agreement.  It says a lot about a parent, disregarding the current agreement (whether absentee dad lived up to it before this or not) and leaving her kid to be with a new SO.


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  • Teddy917Teddy917 member
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    edited May 2014
    VarunaTT said:

    Um, he didn't expect her to.  He made clear his expectation that I will not move from this state and if you want to be together it will be here...b/c he HAS A KID which he values and should.  She apparently continued dating him.  That was her decision to make and she made it.  She's also apparently okay with making all of these other decisions, he's the one uncomfortable b/c she's giving up so much (career, child) and worried about the aftermath of that power imbalance.  So, I don't think accusing him of misogyny fair at all.  Do you even believe men are capable of being feminists, Kuus?


    I actually think something is off with her b/c I don't know any mother that would seem so tra-la-la  (which is how it's coming across) about bio dad suddenly stepping up and stopping plans of moving w/child to another state.


    Some of the most feministic (is that even a word?) feminists that I know are men. So they definitely can be.

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