Save the Date Etiquette Questions!

crackktheskyy · May 2014

Hi all,

I'm posting this here in etiquette, partially because some of the questions concern etiquette and partially because the best and most accurate advice seems to come from this forum.

First question -- Is there a more formal way of wording a STD? We are having a very traditional, very formal wedding. The STD and invitation are the first impression our guests will receive about the wedding so we want to make sure it's right.

If not, we were thinking something like:

***Monogram***

Crackktheskyy Lastname

and

Fiance Lastname

will be wed

the twenty-seventh of June

two thousand fifteen

Invitation to follow

Does this seem right? We plan on using a heavy ivory cardstock and black script. We might do a gold foil on our names. Still can't decide if we should do engraving or letterpress. I really like letterpress but I know engraving is considered to be more formal.

Second question: Do we block out hotel rooms now and include a wedding website on the STD so people can check it out and figure out where to stay? Or do we wait to put this on a separate card when the invitations are sent? I'm not sure how far in advance people usually reserve hotel rooms but we want to make sure that our friends and family are able to get a blocked room so that they can get a good deal on it! Also, we have complimentary transportation set up for all guests staying at a hotel and we want to make sure they know about it and use it if they want to! Would I write the following on the STD?:

"For more information about accommodations and complimentary transportation, please visit our website at www.ourwebsite.com"

Third question: How to address STDs to couples living together/not living together? Obviously, all guests with SO's will be invited with their SO's. The STDs won't have inner envelopes, though. So for unmarried couples living together is it:

Ms. Jane Doe

Mr. John Smith

123 Sesame Street

New York, New York, 12345

And would that be the same for couples not living together? I feel weird addressing an envelope to someone who does not live at a residence, especially if our friends' parents live at that residence! But at the same time I want to make sure SO's are invited by name. What do I do here?

On the formal wedding invitation, would we address it to our friend and on the inner envelope give the name of their significant other? Like:

Outer envelope:

Ms. Jane Doe

123 Sesame Street

New York, New York, 12345

Inner envelope:

Ms. Doe and Mr. Smith

Sorry for all of the questions. I think I'm overthinking this but I want to make sure that this is done properly and that our friends and their SOs are as comfortable and happy as possible!

[Deleted User] · May 2014

Since I am not the person to ask about wording, I'm just going to say that you want to announce the city and state that you're marrying on your STDate. The date and location, and probably the website so they can keep up to date with any new info.

crackktheskyy · May 2014

adk19 said:

Since I am not the person to ask about wording, I'm just going to say that you want to announce the city and state that you're marrying on your STDate. The date and location, and probably the website so they can keep up to date with any new info.

GOOD call! Thank you! I'm convinced that "wedding brain" is a real thing.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

1. You should include as much information as possible -- so yes, date, city, state.

1a. Whose monogram do you plan to use? Yours or your FI's? Technically, you can't use your married monogram until you're married. Generally I'm not a stickler for this, but if you're going very formal, you need to adhere to the very formal rules.

2. I'm a big fan of putting wedding websites with additional information on STDates, because, as you said, it gives people a chance to make hotel reservations. I do not think you need to provide information about the complimentary transportation on the STDate; putting that on the website is sufficient.

2a. Talk to your hotel. Some won't let you block out rooms this early, some will. Either way, put that on your wedding website.

2b. I would just write, 'For additional information, including accommodations, visit our website at [address]'

3. I am a big fan of addressing things in whichever way will least confuse the already-befuddled USPS. Therefore, I'm in favour of addressing the STDates to the person who lives at the address and including a note inside the envelope that says, 'and of course your SO is invited, too!'

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2014

First question - that wording sounds fine to me (with the addition of the city/state). I normally see it written as "formal invitation to follow" rather than just "invitation to follow," but I don't think that's an etiquette thing.

Second question - I would definitely have the room block ready in time to send the save the dates. I've already had people book rooms on mine, even though invitations won't go out until next month. Not everyone will book it, but some people like to plan way ahead. I would leave the note about complimentary transportation out of that line though, just in case people get confused and think you're paying for their plane tickets. I listed on my website (I think on both the reception information page and the hotel page) something like "complimentary shuttle transportation will be available between the hotel and the venue."

Third question - unmarried couples are addressed the same whether they live together or not, unless you'd plan on inviting them both regardless of whether they're still together or not - then you'd send them each their own invitation. The way you have it is right.

crackktheskyy · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

1. You should include as much information as possible -- so yes, date, city, state.

1a. Whose monogram do you plan to use? Yours or your FI's? Technically, you can't use your married monogram until you're married. Generally I'm not a stickler for this, but if you're going very formal, you need to adhere to the very formal rules.

2. I'm a big fan of putting wedding websites with additional information on STDates, because, as you said, it gives people a chance to make hotel reservations. I do not think you need to provide information about the complimentary transportation on the STDate; putting that on the website is sufficient.

2a. Talk to your hotel. Some won't let you block out rooms this early, some will. Either way, put that on your wedding website.

2b. I would just write, 'For additional information, including accommodations, visit our website at [address]'

3. I am a big fan of addressing things in whichever way will least confuse the already-befuddled USPS. Therefore, I'm in favour of addressing the STDates to the person who lives at the address and including a note inside the envelope that says, 'and of course your SO is invited, too!'

Thank you so much for your response. This is all very helpful.

Also, thank you for the clarification about the monogram! Instead, Maybe I will use some sort of nice detail work or just nothing at all. I'm glad you said something.

It looks like I will include the wedding website on the STD, and I love the idea of including an extra note so that our guests that don't live with their SOs know that their SOs are invited!

crackktheskyy · May 2014

lolo883 said:

First question - that wording sounds fine to me (with the addition of the city/state). I normally see it written as "formal invitation to follow" rather than just "invitation to follow," but I don't think that's an etiquette thing.

Second question - I would definitely have the room block ready in time to send the save the dates. I've already had people book rooms on mine, even though invitations won't go out until next month. Not everyone will book it, but some people like to plan way ahead. I would leave the note about complimentary transportation out of that line though, just in case people get confused and think you're paying for their plane tickets. I listed on my website (I think on both the reception information page and the hotel page) something like "complimentary shuttle transportation will be available between the hotel and the venue."

Third question - unmarried couples are addressed the same whether they live together or not, unless you'd plan on inviting them both regardless of whether they're still together or not - then you'd send them each their own invitation. The way you have it is right.

Thanks! And good call about omitting the line about complementary transportation, as another poster mentioned as well. I didn't even THINK that it might be inferred that we are providing plane tickets. I'll stick to just providing the wedding website. So glad I checked here first.

I definitely like to plan ahead, as well, so I'll call hotels this week and see what we can do.

Also, thanks for the info about couples. I just wasn't sure whether to include both names if both parties don't live at the same residence! As @HisGirlFriday13 mentioned, the postal service has enough problems!

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

You're very welcome!!

djfivenine · May 2014

I just went through all this... it's a little bit of work to do it right, but it's totally worth it!

Save the Date Wording - Agree with previous posters about including at the VERY least your names, wedding date, city and state on your Save the Dates. Wedding website is also totally acceptable (and your guests will appreciate it!), even for "formal" STDates.

Room Block - People will want to reserve the rooms as early as they can. There is no harm in getting the block now and having them there for whenever people want to book them... just check with your hotel to make sure you are aware of all stipulations.

Addressing - Oh man. There are a million "rules" on this, but after personally researching this extensively, the general etiquette consensus (for outside envelopes) is this:

-For unmarried couples living together, list them alphabetically by last name (Ms. Jane Doe and Mr. John Smith - only use "Miss" if it's for a girl under 18)

-For unmarried couples NOT living together, address it to the person you are closest with. For the STDates, you can include a note on the inside saying "of course SO is invited" as stated above (or just tell them in person next time you talk!), and for your formal invites, the inside envelopes would have both names (listed alphabetically by last name)

-For Married couples with different last names, the man goes first (Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Jane Doe)

It's not complicated AT ALL! Hah!

wrigleyville · May 2014

Another vote for including hotel information (if you can get blocks that early). I'm a planner, so I usually start scouting for hotels long before our trip, approximately 6-8 months beforehand.

crackktheskyy · May 2014

djfivenine said:

I just went through all this... it's a little bit of work to do it right, but it's totally worth it!

Save the Date Wording - Agree with previous posters about including at the VERY least your names, wedding date, city and state on your Save the Dates. Wedding website is also totally acceptable (and your guests will appreciate it!), even for "formal" STDates.

Room Block - People will want to reserve the rooms as early as they can. There is no harm in getting the block now and having them there for whenever people want to book them... just check with your hotel to make sure you are aware of all stipulations.

Addressing - Oh man. There are a million "rules" on this, but after personally researching this extensively, the general etiquette consensus (for outside envelopes) is this:

-For unmarried couples living together, list them alphabetically by last name (Ms. Jane Doe and Mr. John Smith - only use "Miss" if it's for a girl under 18)

-For unmarried couples NOT living together, address it to the person you are closest with. For the STDates, you can include a note on the inside saying "of course SO is invited" as stated above (or just tell them in person next time you talk!), and for your formal invites, the inside envelopes would have both names (listed alphabetically by last name)

-For Married couples with different last names, the man goes first (Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Jane Doe)

It's not complicated AT ALL! Hah!

Oh no, and here I thought that with married couples who have different last names, the woman is listed first! Good thing I have you all as a resource! We will definitely include more info in the STDs and block out hotel rooms ASAP. But you are right -- it is totally worth it to do it right!

wrigleyville said:

Another vote for including hotel information (if you can get blocks that early). I'm a planner, so I usually start scouting for hotels long before our trip, approximately 6-8 months beforehand.

Awesome, thanks! I know that I like to plan ahead so it's good to hear that if I include this info, it isn't jumping the gun too much. I was worried about sending things too early but it sounds like the consensus is that hotel info can go out with the STDs, so I will send away!

RebeccaB88 · May 2014

adk19 said:

Since I am not the person to ask about wording, I'm just going to say that you want to announce the city and state that you're marrying on your STDate. The date and location, and probably the website so they can keep up to date with any new info.

I think this is really important. I, for one, will happily save any date that's in town or close enough that I don't need a hotel room, but if you're getting married in, say, Hawaii, I won't, because there isn't a chance in hell that I'd be able to go. Knowing where it's happening gives the recipient a full heads-up on whether they just need to save the date, or extra time and money for travel, etc.

Definitely put the website on there, but make sure it has as much info up as you can when the STDates go out. It's really frustrating to go to the site and see 'check back later for the info', or worse, a dead link.

ETA: I don't look to the STDate for formality of the event as much as I do the invitation. I wouldn't side eye at all a STDate that's more on the casual side. I think the STDate is something where you can have a little fun. But I know you do want something more formal and that's cool too. A picture I think would be a good replacement for the monogram. Even if you just use a good cell phone shot or something snapped by a friend of you two looking happy together, it's a personal thing for me but I like seeing it. And, my mom is older and not as good with placing names as she used to be, but she still recognizes pictures like she always did. So for older guests or, say, your parents friends whom you are inviting, it could be nice.

phira · May 2014

1) I wouldn't worry too much about the formality of your save-the-dates. Like, letterpress instead of engraving isn't going to signal that your wedding is going to be super casual or something. Most people won't really think anything of it. I also think that the monogram is a little weird when you're not married yet ... but I am not the monogram police and wouldn't notice or think anything of it until it was pointed out to me.

I'd include your names, the date of the wedding, the city that the wedding is in (if not the actual name of the location), and your website. "[Formal] invitation to follow" isn't entirely necessary, but it's nice. Like previous posters have pointed out, the location of the wedding is important; if I have to travel, I want to know ASAP!

2) So we sent save the dates WAY in advance, well before we could make any hotel blocks. So I don't think it's 100% necessary for your hotel blocks to be booked before save-the-dates go out. But I do think that you should have your website as complete as possible, and indicate on the first page that the site will be updated with information about [menu, accommodations, etc]. And if you CAN have the hotel blocks ready to go when you send save the dates, then that's great.

3) We addressed unmarried couples:

Emily Jones and Melissa Smith

Emily's address

With Emily being the person we were better connected to. So if you want to invite your friend, and your friend has a boyfriend, you address it to Friend and Boyfriend (Friend first) and send it to Friend's address.

However this is a personal choice we made while addressing save-the-dates. In reality, an unmarried couple (living together or not) is often addressed:

Emily Jones

Melissa Smith

Emily's address

Names on separate lines indicates that these people are not married.

We chose not to use that convention for several reasons, but it's correct.

For opposite sex couples with different last names, convention is actually that the woman goes first, but honestly, I think it's actually better etiquette to have the person you know better first. And since etiquette needs to update as social norms change, with the rise in recognition of same-sex relationships,* heteronormative conventions like "man first" or "woman first" are less and less useful.

* There have always been same-sex relationships, but it's becoming increasingly safer for couples to be out, and so it's more likely that you're inviting a same-sex couple to your wedding than it would have been even 10 or 20 years ago, and certainly more likely than it was 50 years ago.

crackktheskyy · May 2014

RebeccaB88 said:

adk19 said:

Since I am not the person to ask about wording, I'm just going to say that you want to announce the city and state that you're marrying on your STDate. The date and location, and probably the website so they can keep up to date with any new info.

I think this is really important. I, for one, will happily save any date that's in town or close enough that I don't need a hotel room, but if you're getting married in, say, Hawaii, I won't, because there isn't a chance in hell that I'd be able to go. Knowing where it's happening gives the recipient a full heads-up on whether they just need to save the date, or extra time and money for travel, etc.

Definitely put the website on there, but make sure it has as much info up as you can when the STDates go out. It's really frustrating to go to the site and see 'check back later for the info', or worse, a dead link.

ETA: I don't look to the STDate for formality of the event as much as I do the invitation. I wouldn't side eye at all a STDate that's more on the casual side. I think the STDate is something where you can have a little fun. But I know you do want something more formal and that's cool too. A picture I think would be a good replacement for the monogram. Even if you just use a good cell phone shot or something snapped by a friend of you two looking happy together, it's a personal thing for me but I like seeing it. And, my mom is older and not as good with placing names as she used to be, but she still recognizes pictures like she always did. So for older guests or, say, your parents friends whom you are inviting, it could be nice.

Thanks! I definitely understand why the info is important. It was a wedding brain oversight on my part!

Should we even include the church and the venue? Or is just the city sufficient? We could easily include the city on the STD and then have the church and venue info on our website. I think it would look cleaner that way. We will have the site up and running before the STDs go out. I already have a MS Word document filled with info that I've written up so we can copy paste it into the document

We are having our wedding in a major city so I wanted to include things to do on the wedding website for any OOT guests that are not as familiar with the area.

Also, I get what you're saying about the photo, but I'm not sure if it would look weird with the paper that we are using. We were thinking just a simple card like this:

This is not the exact one that we are ordering or anything, and I will probably use a more ivory paper, but it gives you the idea. Still torn between letterpress and engraving. Engraving is more formal but I just love the look of letterpress! I also like how this one actually says, "Save the Date" so I might include that in ours. And, as mentioned before, maybe a nice scroll design (instead of the letters or a monogram on top.) I also like the idea of maybe doing our names in gold.

At this point, I'm less concerned about how it looks and more concerned that our guests are informed and comfortable! That is first priority

From there, I'll deal with the craziness of designing them!

crackktheskyy · May 2014

phira said:

1) I wouldn't worry too much about the formality of your save-the-dates. Like, letterpress instead of engraving isn't going to signal that your wedding is going to be super casual or something. Most people won't really think anything of it. I also think that the monogram is a little weird when you're not married yet ... but I am not the monogram police and wouldn't notice or think anything of it until it was pointed out to me.

I'd include your names, the date of the wedding, the city that the wedding is in (if not the actual name of the location), and your website. "[Formal] invitation to follow" isn't entirely necessary, but it's nice. Like previous posters have pointed out, the location of the wedding is important; if I have to travel, I want to know ASAP!

2) So we sent save the dates WAY in advance, well before we could make any hotel blocks. So I don't think it's 100% necessary for your hotel blocks to be booked before save-the-dates go out. But I do think that you should have your website as complete as possible, and indicate on the first page that the site will be updated with information about [menu, accommodations, etc]. And if you CAN have the hotel blocks ready to go when you send save the dates, then that's great.

3) We addressed unmarried couples:
Emily Jones and Melissa Smith
Emily's address

With Emily being the person we were better connected to. So if you want to invite your friend, and your friend has a boyfriend, you address it to Friend and Boyfriend (Friend first) and send it to Friend's address.

However this is a personal choice we made while addressing save-the-dates. In reality, an unmarried couple (living together or not) is often addressed:

Emily Jones
Melissa Smith
Emily's address

Names on separate lines indicates that these people are not married.

We chose not to use that convention for several reasons, but it's correct.

For opposite sex couples with different last names, convention is actually that the woman goes first, but honestly, I think it's actually better etiquette to have the person you know better first. And since etiquette needs to update as social norms change, with the rise in recognition of same-sex relationships,* heteronormative conventions like "man first" or "woman first" are less and less useful.

* There have always been same-sex relationships, but it's becoming increasingly safer for couples to be out, and so it's more likely that you're inviting a same-sex couple to your wedding than it would have been even 10 or 20 years ago, and certainly more likely than it was 50 years ago.

Thank you so much for the thorough response. You have all been so helpful! I don't know how I would manage this without everyone's advice.

I am definitely ditching the monogram for just a nice design or something to break up the page a little bit, so that's been resolved! I'm grateful to you and others for pointing this out.

We will most certainly include all of the things you have mentioned. It was an oversight on my part! Come to think of it, I've never received an STD without that info. Wedding brain is a real phenomenon! To keep the STD clean, do you think I should just mention the city and put the church and venue info on the website, or do you prefer seeing that on the STD as well?

I think we will definitely try to book hotels before STDs arrive. We are sending them a little early, but nothing too crazy. Our wedding is in June of 2015 and I would like to send the STDs out by the end of August 2014 because I don't want to be stuck trying to send them once my semester starts in the fall. I'm worried I will be overwhelmed. Also, our wedding is the week before the fourth of July so I think it would be good to give people with travel plans a heads up! VIPs have already confirmed the date works for them, so we are at least good to go there

Also, thank you for clarifying how to address the STDs. That makes total sense to me. It seems normal to me to address to the couple, even when they live apart, as long as they have their own places. It seems more unusual in the instances of friends who still live with their parents. I think my mom and dad would have been totally weirded out to receive mail for me and my SO when I was younger, but that might just be a personal preference thing.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

In re the names: You may list them however you like:

-- Woman first

-- Person you're closest to first

-- Alphabetically

-- By zodiac sign

Whatever

The only rule is get people's names and titles correct.

In re the church/venue:

I don't think you need them on an STDate, OTHER THAN to tell me if it's going to be unusual (i.e., you're getting married in the Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City and I won't be able to see the ceremony because I'm not Mormon.) It's sufficient to tell them date/time/place on the STDate, and the rest on the wedding website.

delujm0 · May 2014

Set up your hotel blocks and put that info on your website before you send the STDs. Add your website address to the STDs. This is what we did, and when i checked on our blocks 6 months out (STD were sent 8 months out), one of them was almost completely full already! Apparently FMIL was telling all of her family and friends to "hurry up and book" because there were only 20 rooms at that hotel and she wanted everyone she knew to stay there. When i explained to her that i can add rooms to the block literally at any time, she cooled off a bit. :-)

crackktheskyy · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

In re the names: You may list them however you like:

-- Woman first
-- Person you're closest to first
-- Alphabetically
-- By zodiac sign

Whatever

The only rule is get people's names and titles correct.

In re the church/venue:

I don't think you need them on an STDate, OTHER THAN to tell me if it's going to be unusual (i.e., you're getting married in the Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City and I won't be able to see the ceremony because I'm not Mormon.) It's sufficient to tell them date/time/place on the STDate, and the rest on the wedding website.

That clears it up. It's good to know that the order is less important. That's a relief! Again, so many thank yous.

There is nothing unusual about our venue or church -- we made sure that they were within a mile of each other and that they both are air conditioned! Those were some top priorities. June in Philadelphia is HOT and no one wants to shuffle around in that sort of weather!

delujm0 said:

Set up your hotel blocks and put that info on your website before you send the STDs. Add your website address to the STDs. This is what we did, and when i checked on our blocks 6 months out (STD were sent 8 months out), one of them was almost completely full already! Apparently FMIL was telling all of her family and friends to "hurry up and book" because there were only 20 rooms at that hotel and she wanted everyone she knew to stay there. When i explained to her that i can add rooms to the block literally at any time, she cooled off a bit. :-)

Oh wow! That's great! I intend to set up the wedding website in July and send the STDs in August, so it sounds like my timeline should work well. I'm glad I have been storing all the info in a document! Our venue is in an old and gorgeous building with lots of history, so we were going to include some of that info on the website as well, for anyone who is interested! We are getting married in a very historic part of the city, which I think is just so cool but I'm also exceptionally nerdy.

And too funny about your FMIL! It's nice to hear from your experience though that so many people planned in advance. Now I can plan accordingly for that.

huskypuppy14 · May 2014

If you want something to replace the monogram, why not use initals. That is what I did.

So you could put B&G, and it looks more formal. I had a formal save the date, no picture and I used initials. It worked for us.

Also, everything phira and hisgirl said above.

crackktheskyy · May 2014

huskypuppy14 said:

If you want something to replace the monogram, why not use initals. That is what I did.

So you could put B&G, and it looks more formal. I had a formal save the date, no picture and I used initials. It worked for us.

Also, everything phira and hisgirl said above.

Initials would be pretty! I'll find something. There's also a pretty swirly design thing that I'm going to put on the invites so maybe I'll put it on the STDs for continuity.

Also, does anyone know about how STDs can be addressed in terms of families with children? I know on the invite I would put the children's names on the inner envelope but again, our STDs won't have inner envelopes. Is "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Family" appropriate for a STD?

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

crackktheskyy said:

huskypuppy14 said:

If you want something to replace the monogram, why not use initals. That is what I did.

So you could put B&G, and it looks more formal. I had a formal save the date, no picture and I used initials. It worked for us.

Also, everything phira and hisgirl said above.

Initials would be pretty! I'll find something. There's also a pretty swirly design thing that I'm going to put on the invites so maybe I'll put it on the STDs for continuity.

Also, does anyone know about how STDs can be addressed in terms of families with children? I know on the invite I would put the children's names on the inner envelope but again, our STDs won't have inner envelopes. Is "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Family" appropriate for a STD?

'And family' is slightly ambiguous -- what if granny lives with them? Is she included, too?

Could you put a note in those invites like the note for the SOs that says, 'and little Tommy and Susie are invited, too!'

crackktheskyy · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

huskypuppy14 said:

If you want something to replace the monogram, why not use initals. That is what I did.

So you could put B&G, and it looks more formal. I had a formal save the date, no picture and I used initials. It worked for us.

Also, everything phira and hisgirl said above.

Initials would be pretty! I'll find something. There's also a pretty swirly design thing that I'm going to put on the invites so maybe I'll put it on the STDs for continuity.

Also, does anyone know about how STDs can be addressed in terms of families with children? I know on the invite I would put the children's names on the inner envelope but again, our STDs won't have inner envelopes. Is "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Family" appropriate for a STD?
'And family' is slightly ambiguous -- what if granny lives with them? Is she included, too? Could you put a note in those invites like the note for the SOs that says, 'and little Tommy and Susie are invited, too!'

Good point. You are fantastic and think of everything! I never thought I would think so much just about sending out our STDs. Thank goodness we are planning early so we have time to negotiate all of this.

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