Does this make me horrible?

hlvonb · May 2014

I know that once my FI and I are married, his nieces will be my nieces too.

But I feel bad that I have a hard time calling them my nieces. We just recently got a picture of his brother and sister-in-law's new baby girl and I shared it on my Facebook (with the parents permission) and put the description as X's new niece instead of our new niece.

I had a few people ask my why I didn't say it was our niece.

I wonder if his nieces living at least 6 hours away (and seeing them maybe once a year) has anything to do with it. Some live almost a full day's drive away.

Does this make me horrible? Is it something I will get used to in time or that maybe I will feel different about / come more easily / naturally to me after the wedding? Did anyone else go through this?

JCbride2015 · May 2014

I don't think you're horrible. You just don't know them well-- plus you aren't actually married. So I don't call FSIL my SIL, even though that's what she will be.

Blergbot · May 2014

It doesn't make you horrible, it's just something that takes a little adjusting to. FI is the youngest of six kids, so I'm acquiring several nieces and nephews that are between the ages of eight and fifteen! I don't expect I will ever be called Aunt Blergbot by them...just Blergbot. And I'll probably never completely think of them as MY nieces and nephews.

hlvonb · May 2014

Thanks @JCbride2015

hlvonb · May 2014

Thanks @Blergbot

JaxInBlue · May 2014

Totally in agreement with the PPs. You - and they - probably all need adjustment time. When DH's oldest nephew is my age (he's only 5 years younger than DH) and the youngest is three. It was a far easier transition to become Aunt Jax to the kids I saw regularly and who were younger, but I still feel odd thinking of myself as aunt to the college-aged nieces and nephews. I still can't sign Christmas cards to the oldest as aunt.

Don't force it or let it be forced on you. And if being called Aunt Hlvonb feels too weird but you and they want to acknowledge your new relationship status, you could always come up with a different, special moniker.

MyNameIsNot · May 2014

It's not horrible. My H still refers to my sister's fetus as my nephew, not ours. I told him the other day that he would be an uncle too, and he was a little surprised. I'm sure it would be much more so if the child had come before the marriage.

emmyg65 · May 2014

If you're horrible, then I'm horrible too. I do use "our," but it doesn't seem like DH's nieces and nephews are mine too. Part of it is that we didn't date very long and I hardly know his family. So "my neice" just sounds too intimate for me. I'm sure with time, it'll get better.

jdluvr06 · May 2014

I just asked my FI what he thought about this. He thinks of my nephews and nieces as his now. He said it was an adjustment with my oldest nephew because he was born before we got engaged but not the younger one and my niece because he felt like family by the time they came around.

phira · May 2014

Totally not horrible. Marriage doesn't make family retroactively. Eventually, they may feel like your nieces, but right now, they don't. Not terrible.

hlvonb · May 2014

Thank you everyone. Makes me feel a lot better

tortoisebride · May 2014

Blergbot said: It doesn't make you horrible, it's just something that takes a little adjusting to. FI is the youngest of six kids, so I'm acquiring several nieces and nephews that are between the ages of eight and fifteen! I don't expect I will ever be called Aunt Blergbot by them...just Blergbot. And I'll probably never completely think of them as MY nieces and nephews.

I may ask my brother & SIL to teach my nephew to call me Aunt Blergbot.

PennyBlossom2311 · May 2014

I don't think it makes you horrible at all. As PP have said, it will take an adjustment time. When my dad remarried, he always referred to my step-mother's grandchildren as her grandchildren and not his. Kind of understandable, they were born before they got together. The ones that have been born since then, he says "our grandson is coming over" and it's spreading. He now says things like "can't wait to have all of our grandkids over!" I think it's more of an adjustment period. Soon they will all be your nieces and nephews too!

Gerbertmcway · May 2014

My fiancé's nephew is also my nephew, but that's because my fiancé and I had been together for four years when he was born and I was already close with his family.

SBmini · May 2014

I think is is way more horrible that you referred to the baby girl as 'it' in your first post than the fact that you have a hard time calling her your niece.

It was sort of weird for me to make the transition from his niece and nephew to my niece and nephew too. Just give it a shot and it will stick soon enough.

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2014

I referred to FI's niece as my niece before (just for simplicity) and a friend said "what do you mean your niece? Isn't she J's niece?" so clearly it's a pretty common feeling. I think it was an easier transition for me because I'd already acquired 4 step-siblings as an adult, become reacquainted with an estranged half-brother, and had my actual brother write us all off. To me the word "family" is very fluid - family is what you make of it, and who chooses to stick around - so it's not so strange for me to say "this is my sister now."

lyndausvi · May 2014

No, it doesn't make your horrible. My dad still refers to my mom's has "hers". He still feels like a real uncle to them, but I think he does it to identify what side of the family they come from. If that makes sense.

My husband is the opposite though. He embraced my nieces and nephews so much they are "HIS". Not our or mine, HIS. He doesn't have any bio nieces or nephews yet.

He often asks me questions about "HIS" nieces or nephews. Sometimes we will be at party and he will be telling a story and stop and say "Lyn, where does MY niece go to college again?" He actually says "my".

I'm always thinking "Umm, you do not have any honey, by mine goes to Duquesne". I don't actually say that, but often reply "OUR niece/nephew blah, blah."

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

I don't think your horrible. I don't think of DH's nephew as 'my' nephew. Part of it is the fact that the kid is older and part of it is that he we don't see him often.

Also, he doesn't call DH Uncle DH, and he doesn't call me Aunt HisGirl.

My nephew, OTOH, calls me by an ethnic nickname for aunt and calls DH 'Uncle DH.'

I know my nephew thinks of DH as an uncle, but he's also only ever known DH as my SO. He's too young to remember my SO before DH, and DH has now been in my life for two of the three years my nephew has been alive.

We're getting a new nephew in September, and my current nephew has already announced, 'No share Auntie, Uncle with baby. Mine only!' Which is pretty cute.

Chipmunk415 · May 2014

You're fine. DH met my nieces only twice before we got married. Before we were engaged, I listed him as mr dh on gifts. After, uncle dh. He doesn't really get into whether they are his nieces except at bdays and Christmas- he thinks my gifts (books for girls who have everything) are lame and wont let me send "his nieces" lame gifts

StephJean83 · May 2014

I think each family is different. I refer to FH's niece as my/our niece and my nieces and nephew as our/his nieces and nephew. I sign bday cards/ Christmas cards as Aunt Stephjean83 and Uncle FH. I have one niece who calls me Aunt Steph, and FH, she goes back and forth between Uncle FH and FH. She doesn't call any other aunts or uncles "Aunt So-n-So" or "Uncle So-n -So". It baffles my sister because they refer to all aunts and uncles as such.

I will say as an adult, when uncles of mine got married, I know their wives would think of us (my siblings and cousins) as our uncles' nieces and nephews and not their's together. My FH'a aunts and uncles accepted me as their niece but not most of the other cousins' SO.

JasperandOpal · May 2014

I definitely think the distance and limited exposure play a role in them feeling like "your" nieces and it does not make you a bad person at all. My Fi is best friends with my brother so my brother's daughter is Fi's "niece" but my sister's son is still "your sister's son" or "sister's son's name." There is nothing wrong with that and it doesn't diminish any future feelings you may have or the closeness you might one day have with your nieces.

Similarly, my father's mother was always my "grandmother" but I always called my mother's mother "my mother's mother" because I did not know her or feel any grandmotherly connection to her. She is a fine, nice woman, I just didn't know her growing up and so calling her "grandmother" didn't come naturally to me.

amakayeb · May 2014

SBmini said:

I think is is way more horrible that you referred to the baby girl as 'it' in your first post than the fact that you have a hard time calling her your niece. It was sort of weird for me to make the transition from his niece and nephew to my niece and nephew too. Just give it a shot and it will stick soon enough.

I don't think she was calling the baby it--I think she was talking about the picture. At least, that's how I read it.

hlvonb · May 2014

amakayeb said:

show previous quotes

SBmini said:

I think is is way more horrible that you referred to the baby girl as 'it' in your first post than the fact that you have a hard time calling her your niece. It was sort of weird for me to make the transition from his niece and nephew to my niece and nephew too. Just give it a shot and it will stick soon enough.

I don't think she was calling the baby it--I think she was talking about the picture. At least, that's how I read it.

@SBmini @amakayeb

Yes I was referring to the picture as it. Not the baby.

Does this make me horrible?

Re: Does this make me horrible?

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