Wedding Etiquette Forum

Guest rsvps that kids are attending when they are not invited

I have an issue, and any advice on how to handle this manner would be appreciated.
The situation: I am getting married this July in Kentucky. Most of my family is from the Chicago area. Because my mother is very close with her cousins, our guest list is inflated with people I would not necessarily invite if it were only up to me. However, we made some compromises and agreed that her cousins would be invited, but not their children. Now one of them keeps talking about how the whole family will be there (including her two college-age kids who are not invited). I would happily apologize to her and explain the predicament, but the family is going on vacation in Tennessee right after the wedding. So if I say her kids aren't invited, I guess they would sit around in the hotel room that night with nothing to do, which I think is unreasonable. But if I let them come to the wedding, that could open up the floodgates for the rest of the cousins to bring their kids, and we simply cannot afford that. Additionally, I believe that would cause tension and drama in the family with some people being upset that another family's kids could come when theirs could not. 

Help please! She has not formally RSVP'd yet, but I know that when she does she will include her kids, and I would like to be prepared before that happens. 

Re: Guest rsvps that kids are attending when they are not invited

  • mysticlmysticl member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I have an issue, and any advice on how to handle this manner would be appreciated.
    The situation: I am getting married this July in Kentucky. Most of my family is from the Chicago area. Because my mother is very close with her cousins, our guest list is inflated with people I would not necessarily invite if it were only up to me. However, we made some compromises and agreed that her cousins would be invited, but not their children. Now one of them keeps talking about how the whole family will be there (including her two college-age kids who are not invited). I would happily apologize to her and explain the predicament, but the family is going on vacation in Tennessee right after the wedding. So if I say her kids aren't invited, I guess they would sit around in the hotel room that night with nothing to do, which I think is unreasonable. But if I let them come to the wedding, that could open up the floodgates for the rest of the cousins to bring their kids, and we simply cannot afford that. Additionally, I believe that would cause tension and drama in the family with some people being upset that another family's kids could come when theirs could not. 

    Help please! She has not formally RSVP'd yet, but I know that when she does she will include her kids, and I would like to be prepared before that happens. 
    Why would they have to sit around the hotel room with nothing to do?  If they are college age they are adults.  They can go out to dinner, see a movie, hit the local mall, etc.  Or they can stay at the hotel, order room service, pay per view, and hit the pool.  
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  • I think you are worrying about a problem that doesn't exist yet. If she has mentioned it, have your mom tell her that the invitation is just for the parents. If they RSVP for the whole family, call them and explain that the invitation is just for them.
  • If theyou planned a family vacation around a wedding some people weren't invited to, that's on them.

    Have your mom tell them their kids aren't included on the invite.

    If they try to RSVP for their kids, call them up and tell them yourself
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    It's on them to deal with this problem, should it arise. You're not obligated to invite their kids just because they've decided to go on a family vacation right after the wedding.

    I know you're pretty sure the family will RSVP with their kids added on, but wait and see if it happens. If it does, call them up and say, "I'm so sorry for the misunderstanding, but the invitation was just for you and [spouse]." If you're pressured to invite them all, have scripts ready to tell them no, and be ready to change the subject or end the conversation.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If she does RSVP for her kids, then you can tell her that only she and her husband are invited.  It will be up to them to make other arrangements for their kids, but you don't have to admit them.
  • mysticl said:
    I have an issue, and any advice on how to handle this manner would be appreciated.
    The situation: I am getting married this July in Kentucky. Most of my family is from the Chicago area. Because my mother is very close with her cousins, our guest list is inflated with people I would not necessarily invite if it were only up to me. However, we made some compromises and agreed that her cousins would be invited, but not their children. Now one of them keeps talking about how the whole family will be there (including her two college-age kids who are not invited). I would happily apologize to her and explain the predicament, but the family is going on vacation in Tennessee right after the wedding. So if I say her kids aren't invited, I guess they would sit around in the hotel room that night with nothing to do, which I think is unreasonable. But if I let them come to the wedding, that could open up the floodgates for the rest of the cousins to bring their kids, and we simply cannot afford that. Additionally, I believe that would cause tension and drama in the family with some people being upset that another family's kids could come when theirs could not. 

    Help please! She has not formally RSVP'd yet, but I know that when she does she will include her kids, and I would like to be prepared before that happens. 
    Why would they have to sit around the hotel room with nothing to do?  If they are college age they are adults.  They can go out to dinner, see a movie, hit the local mall, etc.  Or they can stay at the hotel, order room service, pay per view, and hit the pool.  

    SITDB

    Word to this. Unless you know these kids, there's a solid chance that they have as little interest in being at your wedding as you do. Unless your wedding is in the middle of nowhere and they would have absolutely no options of things to do, they'll be fine. I have never known a 20yo that can't find a good time.
    image
  • If the kida are in college they are perfectly capable of entertaining themselves.

    DH's cousin called right after rsvps were due about failing to include her teenage son on the card. He wasn't invited but at that point I didn't care. We put him down, made the seating arrangements etc. Kid never came- he had a sports thing that weekend that had been planned months in advance. His folks never called to let us know.

    Stick to your guns
  • Thank you all. I do know the kids well, but you are right that it's not my problem that they are going on vacation. I think it's so easy to get caught up in the idea that I have to bend over backwards for my guests that I lose sight of the fact that some things simply aren't my responsibility.
  • Thank you all. I do know the kids well, but you are right that it's not my problem that they are going on vacation. I think it's so easy to get caught up in the idea that I have to bend over backwards for my guests that I lose sight of the fact that some things simply aren't my responsibility.

    There are a million of things that you, as host, needs to be wary of and responsible for. This is not one of them. A simple "I'm sorry for the confusion but the invite was only for x and y. Hope you can still make it!" Is more than acceptable. Don't stress over extra stuff :)

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • i had the same issue with someone who rsvped for more than they should have so i contacted them and said I am sorry for the confusion the invite was for the two of you and not the children do you still want this as your meal choice
  • Sounds like you and I are in the same situation. This actually happened to me. I asked my mom and dad to call this particular cousin (dad's cousin) to let her know that do to financial reasons we cannot have adult children attend the wedding. However, the kids are welcome to join us after dinner for dancing and partying. My mom's cousins are bringing their kids for vacation and they are leaving them with some $ so they can get a pizza next door. Then they are coming for the party portion. Most guests will not mind. A nice gesture is to provide them with some activities the kids can do nearby or nearby restaurants. Good luck! 
  • I'm having the same problem, My Aunt pulled this same move with my cousin who got married last year. She RSVPed for her and her daughter. My cousin caved in and let her come, I can't. I have over 30 cousins and I have to put an age restriction on it somewhere. In truth we are close with other (younger) cousins, and would love to have them, but a line needs to be drawn. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it when it come up. I LOVE my aunt, it's going to be a hard conversation. She has already RSVPed to my shower for her and her daughter, even thou the invite was only in her name.
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