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Sabotaged by rampant bad etiquette

nebullamanebullama member
First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
in Wedding Party
My 11 year old niece is one of my bridesmaids, and I was planning to go out this weekend to finish up her gift. She is a competitive dancer, and loves owls, so I have already gotten her a really cute owl print cosmetic bag for her stage makeup. She also loves books, so I was planning to get her a nice keepsake journal and an amazon gift card to round out the gift.

Tonight I was talking to my SIL (niece's mom) and she asked if there was any special jewelry I wanted her daughter to wear for the wedding. Wedding day jewelry is a very common bridesmaid gift in my family, and I get the feeling that that is what she was expecting me to do. She seemed rather disappointed when I told her "No, whatever you want to do is fine." She then went on to say that the last wedding my niece had been in the bride had gotten her diamond earrings that she has been dying to wear again, so she would probably wear those since she didn't have anything else. I think she may have been trying to drop a hint there.

I was pretty happy about my gift choices for her, but now I'm wondering if I should just get her a necklace or something. Our wedding is next weekend, and I'm afraid that my SIL just assumed I'd be getting her jewelry and may now feel like she has to run out and buy something. I don't want to inconvenience her.

My niece likes jewelry, and it's not outside the realm of things I'd consider for her as a birthday-type gift. Still though, I'm not sure how I feel about it for this. :/

What do you guys think?
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Re: Sabotaged by rampant bad etiquette

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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    On-balance, I'm not a huge fan of jewellery for BM gifts, and I'm even less of a fan of being blackmailed into it.

    What you're doing is fine. If the niece wants to wear the diamond (?!?!?!) earrings, then she's fine to do so.

    Don't worry about the necklace unless you want to get her something.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
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    Your gift sounds perfect.  Don't let your SIL cloud your judgement.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    Is there any reason why your niece couldn't wear the diamond earrings at your wedding?  If not, you may want to just let her do so (and it sounds from your post like you're okay with that anyway).

    I like the gifts you have in mind for your niece; it sounds like you put a lot of thought into them. 
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    phiraphira member
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    Those are wonderful gifts for your niece. And your niece should totally wear the diamond earrings to your wedding; sounds like she loves them, and that they'd be appropriate. Your sister-in-law is being a poo-face.

    I actually do not think that jewelry is a good bridesmaid gift, even if it's not explicitly jewelry they're expected to wear in the wedding. So I like your idea better.
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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
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    Your gift choices do sound great. These doubts you are having were planted by her mom, not the niece. She's the one hinting about the jewelry, not the niece. With the cool gifts you're giving her, she shouldn't miss anything extra. If she had any other expectations, that's her mom's fault, not yours.

    Stop worrying about your SIL running out to buy jewelry just because you didn't buy her something shiny. I mean, what she received at the last wedding were earrings. She can wear those again. And if she has other jewelry, she can wear that. It's NBD.
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    I love the gifts you chose for her. She's 11. How much jewelry is she really wearing? 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    emmyg65emmyg65 member
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    Your gift sounds sweet, thoughtful, and age-appropriate. SIL is being a weirdo.
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    nebullamanebullama member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    HisGirlFriday13 said:

    diamond (?!?!?!) earrings

    Yeah that was kind of my reaction. I assume she meant sparkly diamond like earrings, but I'm not asking any questions. :p

    I think you guys are right, and I should just stick with my plan. @AddieCake that was my thought. While she might like a necklace, it's not like she goes to formal events every other week where she'd get to wear such a thing.

    It just sucks that giving wedding uniform accessories as a gift is so prevalent that people come to expect it, and don't plan on anything else. I hope my other maids aren't disappointed. I've been half-thinking for some time that I should tip them off that that's not what they'll be getting, and if they want accessories they'll need to get something on their own. I wouldn't actually do that though. Oh well, I guess it will all work out.

    I think overload and stress have impaired my ability to think clearly. Thank you all for snapping me out of it. :)
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    phiraphira member
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    nebullama said:
    diamond (?!?!?!) earrings
    Yeah that was kind of my reaction. I assume she meant sparkly diamond like earrings, but I'm not asking any questions. :p I think you guys are right, and I should just stick with my plan. @AddieCake that was my thought. While she might like a necklace, it's not like she goes to formal events every other week where she'd get to wear such a thing. It just sucks that giving wedding uniform accessories as a gift is so prevalent that people come to expect it, and don't plan on anything else. I hope my other maids aren't disappointed. I've been half-thinking for some time that I should tip them off that that's not what they'll be getting, and if they want accessories they'll need to get something on their own. I wouldn't actually do that though. Oh well, I guess it will all work out. I think overload and stress have impaired my ability to think clearly. Thank you all for snapping me out of it. :)
    Honestly, I've found that it's really, really easy to get overly stressed over some of the silliest, most benign aspects of the wedding. Sometimes, I look back and wonder why on earth I was so completely thrown off by certain details!
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    theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
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    nebullama said:

    HisGirlFriday13 said:

    diamond (?!?!?!) earrings

    Yeah that was kind of my reaction. I assume she meant sparkly diamond like earrings, but I'm not asking any questions. :p

    I think you guys are right, and I should just stick with my plan. @AddieCake that was my thought. While she might like a necklace, it's not like she goes to formal events every other week where she'd get to wear such a thing.

    It just sucks that giving wedding uniform accessories as a gift is so prevalent that people come to expect it, and don't plan on anything else. I hope my other maids aren't disappointed. I've been half-thinking for some time that I should tip them off that that's not what they'll be getting, and if they want accessories they'll need to get something on their own. I wouldn't actually do that though. Oh well, I guess it will all work out.

    I think overload and stress have impaired my ability to think clearly. Thank you all for snapping me out of it. :)
    I was in a wedding several years ago - the second time I'd ever been a bridesmaid. The first time, sis bought our wedding day jewelry. I thought that was the norm; didn't know any better. Second time, showed up at the (destination) wedding without jewelry to wear...yeah, nothing provided. I was the only one not accessorized. Felt like a turd. So if this is the norm in your circle, I would recommend telling your girls "hey if you were wondering, feel free to wear whatever jewelry you want for the wedding." No harm there.
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    lc07lc07 member
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    edited May 2014
    Your gifts sound awesome! I would tell SIL that her daughter is welcome to wear any jewelry she would like for the wedding day. Then it's obvious you aren't buying any for her. Jewelry is not necessary anyway. It's not like she may show up without shoes because she expects to receive them as a gift from you. 

    I would never expect a gift at all, honestly.
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