Quick question about my M.O.H

ArkansasStoryBookWedding · May 2014

Ok here it goes.

I have tried to do a little research before coming here to post this question so from my research I understand the following:
My bridesmaids don't have to do anything but show up for the wedding (hopefully sober).

When I asked my bridesmaids to be a bridesmaid, I informed them of the following

Date, Sept 9th 2014

Time: late afternoon (still have to work on that part)

Location: at the time my Fiancés family farm, but due to a divorce it has been moved to my aunts family farm distance is about the same just have to go south about an hour instead of north an hour. wedding will be outside.

Clothing: A coral dress and then shown an pin I found with a selection of coral shades. since all the girls are different body types and I would rather them buy a dress they actually like, I told them to find something, send me a picture and I'll yay or nay it. * I do not want the dress's to be matchy matchy*

Shoes: since it will be in a field I asked them to wear flats so they wouldn't be tripping around in the dirt.
pictures: hopefully as many doe before wedding as possible

hair: up, kinda like a roll under bob? (I suck at hair and do not know correct terminology)

My Matron of honor has done nothing but complain about everything... to me, her husband (my fiancés best man, who then tells me) and anyone else who will listen. She seems to not want to talk to me about anything. I do know from the Fiancé that one of her good friends just died and she may have to raise her friends children. (all early teens) knowing about this burden coming, and the fact that she has complained about every aspect of the wedding so far. is it ok to have a sit down with her, and tell her that seeing her upcoming situation that I would understand if she needed to stand down.

Or do I just sit here and consider eloping so I don't have to deal with the constant complaints? (joking about eloping idea)

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

ArkansasStoryBookWedding said:

Ok here it goes.

I have tried to do a little research before coming here to post this question
so from my research I understand the following:

My bridesmaids don't have to do anything but show up for the wedding (hopefully
sober).

When I asked my bridesmaids to be a bridesmaid, I informed them of the
following

Date, Sept 9th 2014

Time: late afternoon (still have to work on that part)

Location: at the time my Fiancés family farm, but due to a divorce it has been
moved to my aunts family farm distance is about the same just have to go south
about an hour instead of north an hour. wedding will be outside.

Clothing: A coral dress and then shown an pin I found with a selection of coral
shades. since all the girls are different body types and I would rather them buy
a dress they actually like, I told them to find something, send me a picture
and I'll yay or nay it. * I do not want the dress's to be matchy matchy*

Shoes: since it will be in a field I asked them to wear flats so they wouldn't
be tripping around in the dirt.

pictures: hopefully as many doe before wedding as possible

hair: up, kinda like a roll under bob? (I suck at hair and do not know correct terminology)

My Matron of honor has done nothing but complain about everything... to me, her
husband (my fiancés best man, who then tells me) and anyone else who will listen.
She seems to not want to talk to me about anything. I do know from the Fiancé
that one of her good friends just died and she may have to raise her friends
children. (all early teens) knowing about this burden coming, and the fact that
she has complained about every aspect of the wedding so far. is it ok to have a
sit down with her, and tell her that seeing her upcoming situation that I would
understand if she needed to stand down.

Or do I just sit here and consider eloping so I
don't have to deal with the constant complaints? (joking about eloping idea)

ArkansasStoryBookWedding · May 2014

@HisGirlFriday13 your response isn't showing up?

AddieCake · May 2014

If she wants to step down, she will. You say nothing about it to her.

misshart00 · May 2014

Don't dictate hair or shoes. They know what they can walk in on uneven surfaces. Don't tell her to "step down." Just talk to her as a friend not about your wedding. Her friend just died and she may have to raise kids. That's a lot to take on. And a lot of stress. Don't worry about it. She knows she needs to get a coral dress. Drop all wedding talk.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

First of all, your MOH's friends just died and she might have to raise those kids and you're worried about your wedding?

Persepctive, please.

Second of all, no, it's not OK to sit her down and basically kick her out. That's so not OK.

Third of all, if you want specific hair or shoes, you have to pay for it.

Fourth of all, your FI shouldn't be telling you what his BM is saying the BM's wife is saying. Have you ever played telephone? This is how rumours get started and feelings get hurt and things get.misconstrued.

Finally, if you're telling them any coral dress, it seems micromanaging to then want to approve that dress. You might be better off picking a colour and a designer and a fabric and letting them pick some thing from within that designer's line.

ArkansasStoryBookWedding · May 2014

ok, I just want them to be comfortable, and I do make a point to not talk about wedding stuff unless it is brought up. I figure if they care they will ask. if they don't they want. I'll just leave her alone and ignore her complaints.

lyndausvi · May 2014

ArkansasStoryBookWedding said:

Ok here it goes.

I have tried to do a little research before coming here to post this question so from my research I understand the following:
My bridesmaids don't have to do anything but show up for the wedding (hopefully sober).

When I asked my bridesmaids to be a bridesmaid, I informed them of the following
Date, Sept 9th 2014
Time: late afternoon (still have to work on that part)
Location: at the time my Fiancés family farm, but due to a divorce it has been moved to my aunts family farm distance is about the same just have to go south about an hour instead of north an hour. wedding will be outside.
Clothing: A coral dress and then shown an pin I found with a selection of coral shades. since all the girls are different body types and I would rather them buy a dress they actually like, I told them to find something, send me a picture and I'll yay or nay it. * I do not want the dress's to be matchy matchy*
Shoes: since it will be in a field I asked them to wear flats so they wouldn't be tripping around in the dirt.
pictures: hopefully as many doe before wedding as possible
hair: up, kinda like a roll under bob? (I suck at hair and do not know correct terminology)

My Matron of honor has done nothing but complain about everything... to me, her husband (my fiancés best man, who then tells me) and anyone else who will listen. She seems to not want to talk to me about anything. I do know from the Fiancé that one of her good friends just died and she may have to raise her friends children. (all early teens) knowing about this burden coming, and the fact that she has complained about every aspect of the wedding so far. is it ok to have a sit down with her, and tell her that seeing her upcoming situation that I would understand if she needed to stand down.

Or do I just sit here and consider eloping so I don't have to deal with the constant complaints? (joking about eloping idea)

I'm thinking she as a lot going on right now and your wedding needs to take a backseat right now. Be a FRIEND to her. Do not mention you wedding. Ask her if she needs help with life in general. Just because she is not "interested" in dresses and such TODAY, doesn't mean she doesn't care. Your wedding is still months off. Plenty of time for her get what she needs.

misshart00 · May 2014

ArkansasStoryBookWedding said:
ok, I just want them to be comfortable, and I do make a point to not talk about wedding stuff unless it is brought up. I figure if they care they will ask. if they don't they want. I'll just leave her alone and ignore her complaints.

That's the best option. Just be her best friend right now. She's going through a hard time.

MrsMcCaw · May 2014

You apparently didn't do enough research or you would know if you dictate shoes or hair you need to pay for it.
I can't believe your answer to your friend's problem is to tell her she can stand down from being MOH. Way to be supportive!

ArkansasStoryBookWedding · May 2014

I was a child of the same type of situration as the children are in, hence I know how hard it is on everyone (my parents died when i was 14)

I didn't realize the hair and everything was micro managing, I have never even been in a wedding and have no idea what to do. The girls asked me about hair and i suggested that style, and at the time they like it. same as shoes, I am open to any feedback the send me, and am open to any advice.

ArkansasStoryBookWedding · May 2014

I have tried to talk to her about her friend, but she said she wants to deal with it on her own, her friend had passed away a few months ago. I'm just trying to figure out what to do. but I got it. Thank you ladies for your advice.

lyndausvi · May 2014

I find shoes and hair to be VERY personal things. They are NOT one size fits all items. Let the pick out their own hair style. As far as shoes again I don't we a problem with saying you want a certain neutral color (ie. black, nude, etc). but I would refrain for telling them the heel size.

huskypuppy14 · May 2014

My wedding is taking place outside on grass (if it doesn't rain). I let my BMs decide what shoes they want. They all are wearing heels. That was their choice; they know it's on grass.

For the hair, are you paying for their updos? If you want them to have professional hair, you have to pay for it.

You are welcome to say, I'm getting my hair done at X salon, would you like me to make an appointment, it will be Y dollars? In that case, it becomes totally optional for them. They can always do their own hair.

Talk to your friend, but don't talk about the wedding. Let her know you are there for her if she needs it.

biggrouch · May 2014

I recommend

1) Sending an email to everyone saying you've reconsidered and would love them to wear whatever shoes and hair they want (or offering to pay a pro - that bob thingy sounds cute but impossible to do on one's own even if you watch a thousand youtube videos)

2) Doing what everyone says and asking her if there's anything you can do for her in her tough situation

3) if the complaints continue after step #1, sitting her down and saying you're sorry that she doesn't like [insert X thing that she's complained about directly to you] and what would be her ideal solution? It's not right for her to complain to you, but it's not right for you to kick her out. So my thinking is, if you can make clear that you care about her feelings and that your feelings are hurt by her complaining about you to all your mutual friends, maybe she can tell you what she actually, y'know, wants -- whether it's to step down or to wear dark coral instead of light coral or whatever it is that's bothering her. But maybe she's just stressed about the hair thing and doesn't know how to tell you, so try step #1 first

hyechica81 · May 2014

you dictated hair and shoes you should pay for it.

i told my maids these are the designers we can look at these are the colors long and in chiffon we went picked out a dress at the salon that everyone loved. i told them cream colored shoes, any stule hair make up and jewelry any style as well

lc07 · May 2014

What are her complaints?

MamaAlly89 · May 2014

Everyone has different ways of coping. Your friend is grieving and I suspect under a lot of stress knowing that she might be taking in teenage kids. She might just be trying to redirect her stress into something non related and might be why she is complaining. I don't think you should ask her to step down. She really just needs you to be supportive of her at the moment.

ArkansasStoryBookWedding · May 2014

biggrouch I sent a message apologizing for my breach of etiquette on the matter last night.

the complaints have ranged about the wedding being outside.
there will be bugs, allergies, it may be hot, it may be cold, animal dust,
the location changing
the guests, some of the guests, like her MIL and her husbands children she does not get along with at all.
why am i not having a traditional cake? why cupcakes?

the biggest one, I found a dress that i thought was cute, came long and short came in different shades of coral and was under 60.00. I asked if they would prefer this dress instead of looking for one.... and she kinda lost her mind. I was a bridezilla for changing my mind. I apologized and reiterated it was just a suggestion and was not telling them they had to wear that dress.

*edited for a few typos

biggrouch · May 2014

@Arkansasstorybookwedding - that's nice of you!

Uh... yeah, she sounds like she is taking out her stress on you bigtime. Are you close friends? It sounds like your fiance knows more about her life than you do - is she his sister or something?

Another option (after you sit her down for a talk about her life and what you can do to help, etc.) is to tell her after the next complaint that you appreciate her input but it's actually stressing you out more to get "suggestions" than it is helping you. Maybe she thinks she's being helpful? (I have a bridesmaid like this. She's like "But you don't want to do that, that might look ugly! You should do it this (much more difficult for everyone) way!" and I'm like, thanks for the "suggestion" but... please stop because you're basically just saying the plans I already made without consulting you will look ugly haha.)

NYCMercedes · May 2014

Well, completely stop talking wedding to her and she'll have nothing to complain about. You apologized for her perceived dress snafu. Sounds like she's really in a bad place right now and nothing will please her. Give her a break, take her out for a drink, and just let her vent about HER sucky life without giving her any fodder to vent about your life. Listen, don't talk.

Inkdancer · May 2014

ArkansasStoryBookWedding said:

ok, I just want them to be comfortable, and I do make a point to not talk about wedding stuff unless it is brought up. I figure if they care they will ask. if they don't they want. I'll just leave her alone and ignore her complaints.

Don't leave her alone! If she's your MOH, I'm guessing she's one of your closest friends. She is hurting and she needs you. Put aside your own worries for a few minutes and talk to her. Don't even bring up the wedding--just make sure she's okay.

ArkansasStoryBookWedding · May 2014

@Inkdancer when I have tried to talk to her she has said that she wants to deal with this on her own. so I have been trying to respect her wishes. I told her I love her and if she ever wants to talk or share a bottle of wine and a good movie i'm there. she said ok and that was it.

Inkdancer · May 2014

ArkansasStoryBookWedding said:

@Inkdancer when I have tried to talk to her she has said that she wants to deal with this on her own. so I have been trying to respect her wishes. I told her I love her and if she ever wants to talk or share a bottle of wine and a good movie i'm there. she said ok and that was it.

That's all you can do, then. Good luck!

Jen4948 · May 2014

ArkansasStoryBookWedding said:

biggrouch I sent a message apologizing for my breach of etiquette on the matter last night.

the complaints have ranged about the wedding being outside.
there will be bugs, allergies, it may be hot, it may be cold, animal dust,
the location changing
the guests, some of the guests, like her MIL and her husbands children she does not get along with at all.
why am i not having a traditional cake? why cupcakes?

the biggest one, I found a dress that i thought was cute, came long and short came in different shades of coral and was under 60.00. I asked if they would prefer this dress instead of looking for one.... and she kinda lost her mind. I was a bridezilla for changing my mind. I apologized and reiterated it was just a suggestion and was not telling them they had to wear that dress.

*edited for a few typos

Good thing you made clear that the dress was not a requirement.

Beyond that, as PPs have suggested, I'd stop wedding talk with this friend. Aside from her intense personal stress, which she may be taking out on you, since she is letting nothing you decide on wedding-wise pass without a complaint, she clearly isn't the right person to talk about the wedding with. Just tell her, the next time she complains, that you're sorry for her stress but you aren't willing to listen to any more wedding-related complaints.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

sophhabobopha · May 2014

I feel for her in that hard situation, but I believe that it's very unfair of her to be lashing outat you. Just stop talking wedding with her, and maybe she'll realize how she's been acting, Good luck!

grumbledore · May 2014

ArkansasStoryBookWedding said:

Ok here it goes.

I have tried to do a little research before coming here to post this question so from my research I understand the following:
My bridesmaids don't have to do anything but show up for the wedding (hopefully sober).

When I asked my bridesmaids to be a bridesmaid, I informed them of the following
Date, Sept 9th 2014
Time: late afternoon (still have to work on that part)
Location: at the time my Fiancés family farm, but due to a divorce it has been moved to my aunts family farm distance is about the same just have to go south about an hour instead of north an hour. wedding will be outside.
Clothing: A coral dress and then shown an pin I found with a selection of coral shades. since all the girls are different body types and I would rather them buy a dress they actually like, I told them to find something, send me a picture and I'll yay or nay it. * I do not want the dress's to be matchy matchy*
Shoes: since it will be in a field I asked them to wear flats so they wouldn't be tripping around in the dirt.
pictures: hopefully as many doe before wedding as possible
hair: up, kinda like a roll under bob? (I suck at hair and do not know correct terminology)

My Matron of honor has done nothing but complain about everything... to me, her husband (my fiancés best man, who then tells me) and anyone else who will listen. She seems to not want to talk to me about anything. I do know from the Fiancé that one of her good friends just died and she may have to raise her friends children. (all early teens) knowing about this burden coming, and the fact that she has complained about every aspect of the wedding so far. is it ok to have a sit down with her, and tell her that seeing her upcoming situation that I would understand if she needed to stand down.

Or do I just sit here and consider eloping so I don't have to deal with the constant complaints? (joking about eloping idea)

How about you call her and say, "Friend, how are you? Are you okay? Do you need to talk about these huge events and changes that are happening in your life? I love you and I am here for you."

Don't mention your wedding at all. She has a lot of other WAY more important things going on at the moment. I'm sure she can manage to buy a coral dress in the spring/summer season without a lot of guidance. I'm not sure she can navigate the dress in her life right now without support from her close friend.

ArkansasStoryBookWedding · May 2014

She called me up today and we got to have a small talk. She apologized for taking her stress out on me. And i told her again that if she needed a hug or a sympathetic ear i was there for her. I feel so much better!

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