I need an opinion on this sign idea (parents that have passed)-- please and thanks :)

kriz10ice · May 2014

I am going to make a sign for the ceremony and reception for my dad that passed away a few years ago. You've probably seen them that say "We know you'd be here today if heaven wasn't so far away." Well, my initial thought was to have a seat reserved for him at the ceremony and have that sign sitting in it. My mom would sit in the next seat, then her boyfriend (that has been around for a while now, so I'm totally comfortable with it and he wouldn't be uncomfortable with this arrangement either, then my brother. Would it be strange to have a seat reserved for someone who had passed away though? And some suggestions for what to do with this after the ceremony is over would be nice too. Thank you!

serena569 · May 2014

I would just list him in your program.

kriz10ice · May 2014

I'm not having programs. My wedding party is entirely too small and it would be a waste of time and money.

AddieCake · May 2014

I had an empty seat for my late mother with nylon butterflies tied to it b/c she loved butterflies. I would skip the sign, though.

dcaviston · May 2014

I think that the reserved seat and sign is a great idea. Afterwards I would turn the sign into wall art with pictures from the wedding and past photos of your father. It is your wedding and he is your father, (deceased or not). Just another idea for the sign, it could say "Not here in body, but here in spirit".

chibiyui · May 2014

I generally don't care for public memorials at weddings, but I prefer the empty seat to a sign.

Jen4948 · May 2014

Wanting to remember a loved one is fine, but I think you need to be more subtle. I don't like empty seats or signs at weddings because they pretty much shove the absence of the person they represent into the faces of others who may still be grieving for them as well as those guests who are not in mourning.

Instead, you might carry or wear something they owned or is associated with them, or you might have food, drinks, decorations, or entertainment they would have enjoyed, like a dance to a tune that was meaningful for them. But your wedding is supposed to be a happy occasion, not a memorial service, so overt symbols of grief and loss like empty chairs or signs are to me out of place.

JoanE2012 · May 2014

I'd skip the empty seat. It seems like an overt, sad way to remember someone during what should be a happy occasion. Agree w/ Jen.....remember your Dad in a private way that is meaningful to you. Maybe wrap his favorite tie or hankerchief around your bouquet? Wear a locket with a picture of him? Have his favorite appetizer served at the cocktail hour. You get the idea.

Strawberry211chicago · May 2014

I plan on putting that sign on a table with pictures of my dad, my grandparents and FI's grandma to honor them. I think it is a sweet way to honor them without overwhelming people.

ElcaB · May 2014

I would maybe have a small table with a photo of them, then skip the sign and reserved chair.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

Does your mom really want to sit next to an empty seat on one side and her current boyfriend on the other? I think the whole empty seat thing is a little creepy, honestly. Do a personal rememberance, I've always liked the idea of a swatch of one of his old shirts sewn into the wedding dress, but don't put it out in people's faces that he's gone. A wedding is a happy occasion, not a memorial.

CMGragain · May 2014

My father died more than 40 years ago, and it would really bother me to see the empty seat or the sign. Keep your memorials private, please! Don't inflict your loss on your wedding guests.

amakayeb · May 2014

We are displaying wedding photos of our relatives (parents, grandparents, great-grandparents) around either our cake or our guestbook.

OwningAHome1981 · June 2014

kriz10ice said:
I'm not having programs. My wedding party is entirely too small and it would be a waste of time and money.

I know you are not doing programs but honestly I think it's the best way to do it without turning your wedding into a memorial or making people sad. My sister did the empty chair thing for her MIL and people were reminiscing and crying and it was really upsetting to watch bc it's a wedding and people should be happy.

I did my programs on Word and printed them up @ Staples for $50. It doesnt have to be expensive.

OwningAHome1981 · June 2014

JoanE2012 said:
I'd skip the empty seat. It seems like an overt, sad way to remember someone during what should be a happy occasion. Agree w/ Jen.....remember your Dad in a private way that is meaningful to you. Maybe wrap his favorite tie or hankerchief around your bouquet? Wear a locket with a picture of him? Have his favorite appetizer served at the cocktail hour. You get the idea.

Great suggestions. Also you can have his picture in a locket and have it on your bouquet so it's like he is there walking down the aisle with you.

Maybe light a candle for him?

Simply Fated · June 2014

Your mom is cool with the idea of sitting in between an empty chair symbolizing her dead husband and a chair with her bf in it at her daughter's wedding? Yeah, no.

I think it's not only strange to have a chair available for a dead person, but morbid, as well.

AddieCake · June 2014

Simply Fated said:

Your mom is cool with the idea of sitting in between an empty chair symbolizing her dead husband and a chair with her bf in it at her daughter's wedding? Yeah, no. I think it's not only strange to have a chair available for a dead person, but morbid, as well.

My dad was fine sitting between an empty chair and his new wife. So you can't know that "yeah, no" her mom isn't cool with it.

OP, this really is a know your crowd thing. See how some people above think it's horrible? Guests were terribly affected? It was 100% not a problem at my wedding. The only people it would have affected were my dad and my aunt, and it was my aunt's idea to do the butterflies, and my dad requested we leave a chair for his mother, too, but I opted not to do that b/c I wasn't leaving chairs for my 2 other deceased grandparents as well.

I doubt most of our guests even noticed the empty chair or knew it was a memorial.Only a few people (my husband's family) even had to walk past it to get to their seats.

Jen4948 · June 2014

AddieCake said:

Simply Fated said:

Your mom is cool with the idea of sitting in between an empty chair symbolizing her dead husband and a chair with her bf in it at her daughter's wedding? Yeah, no. I think it's not only strange to have a chair available for a dead person, but morbid, as well.

My dad was fine sitting between an empty chair and his new wife. So you can't know that "yeah, no" her mom isn't cool with it.

OP, this really is a know your crowd thing. See how some people above think it's horrible? Guests were terribly affected? It was 100% not a problem at my wedding. The only people it would have affected were my dad and my aunt, and it was my aunt's idea to do the butterflies, and my dad requested we leave a chair for his mother, too, but I opted not to do that b/c I wasn't leaving chairs for my 2 other deceased grandparents as well.

I doubt most of our guests even noticed the empty chair or knew it was a memorial.Only a few people (my husband's family) even had to walk past it to get to their seats.

Addie, even at your wedding it may have been a problem-it's just that nobody would have spoken to you about it. But don't assume that silence implies that everyone was okay with it or should be. This is not a "know your crowd" thing-if you need to remember a deceased one at your wedding (for lurkers and other posters), please do it subtly and don't assume everyone is or should be okay with empty chairs. As several people here have mentioned, many are not, and they may well be part of your own crowd.

Simply Fated · June 2014

AddieCake said:

Simply Fated said:

Your mom is cool with the idea of sitting in between an empty chair symbolizing her dead husband and a chair with her bf in it at her daughter's wedding? Yeah, no. I think it's not only strange to have a chair available for a dead person, but morbid, as well.

My dad was fine sitting between an empty chair and his new wife. So you can't know that "yeah, no" her mom isn't cool with it.

OP, this really is a know your crowd thing. See how some people above think it's horrible? Guests were terribly affected? It was 100% not a problem at my wedding. The only people it would have affected were my dad and my aunt, and it was my aunt's idea to do the butterflies, and my dad requested we leave a chair for his mother, too, but I opted not to do that b/c I wasn't leaving chairs for my 2 other deceased grandparents as well.

I doubt most of our guests even noticed the empty chair or knew it was a memorial.Only a few people (my husband's family) even had to walk past it to get to their seats.

Actually, you can't know that your dad was really fine with it or if he was just telling you that.
Sometimes these ideas sound good during the planning process, but then it's a different story when the wedding actually happens. Don't we tell brides here all the time that sometimes we're more truthful than your friends and families?

AddieCake · June 2014

As I mentioned in my post, I don't think he would have requested additional empty chairs if he wasn't fine with it.

ETA: Yep, we do tell brides that.Maybe we're all wrong about guests not caring if there are monogrammed cocktail napkins, too. Better start assuming guests care about everything, I guess. Never know who you are upsetting. Seriously, I doubt anyone else even knew the empty chair was there.

Jen4948 · June 2014

AddieCake said:

As I mentioned in my post, I don't think he would have requested additional empty chairs if he wasn't fine with it.

ETA: Yep, we do tell brides that.Maybe we're all wrong about guests not caring if there are monogrammed cocktail napkins, too. Better start assuming guests care about everything, I guess. Never know who you are upsetting. Seriously, I doubt anyone else even knew the empty chair was there.

I think monogrammed cocktail napkins are a very different animal from things that have the potential to evoke grief and loss because they are specific reminders of the dead.

AddieCake · June 2014

Jen4948 said:

AddieCake said:

As I mentioned in my post, I don't think he would have requested additional empty chairs if he wasn't fine with it.

ETA: Yep, we do tell brides that.Maybe we're all wrong about guests not caring if there are monogrammed cocktail napkins, too. Better start assuming guests care about everything, I guess. Never know who you are upsetting. Seriously, I doubt anyone else even knew the empty chair was there.

I think monogrammed cocktail napkins are a very different animal from things that have the potential to evoke grief and loss because they are specific reminders of the dead.

Yes, of COURSE they are. For Heaven's sake, I was just picking some random thing to illustrate a point.

Fine. In your eyes, I committed a huge faux pas and created some obscene and morbid display at my wedding by having an empty chair approved by the only 2 people who would have been affected by it that was so glaringly horrifying that only 3 other people even knew of its existence.

Sorry not sorry. Would do it again. Won't be justifying it or commenting on it further.

Jen4948 · June 2014

AddieCake said:

Jen4948 said:

AddieCake said:

As I mentioned in my post, I don't think he would have requested additional empty chairs if he wasn't fine with it.

ETA: Yep, we do tell brides that.Maybe we're all wrong about guests not caring if there are monogrammed cocktail napkins, too. Better start assuming guests care about everything, I guess. Never know who you are upsetting. Seriously, I doubt anyone else even knew the empty chair was there.

I think monogrammed cocktail napkins are a very different animal from things that have the potential to evoke grief and loss because they are specific reminders of the dead.

Yes, of COURSE they are. For Heaven's sake, I was just picking some random thing to illustrate a point.

Fine. In your eyes, I committed a huge faux pas and created some obscene and morbid display at my wedding by having an empty chair approved by the only 2 people who would have been affected by it that was so glaringly horrifying that only 3 other people even knew of its existence.

Sorry not sorry. Would do it again. Won't be justifying it or commenting on it further.

Addie, I really respect you in other threads, so please stop putting words in my mouth, so to speak.

I don't think you "committed a huge faux pas" at your wedding with your empty chair. But I do think that the others at your wedding may have withheld from you any negativity they may have been feeling about it, and I do think it's better to remember deceased loved ones more subtly than promoting empty chairs. But there's no need for sarcastic and/or defensive comments because you chose to remember your mother with an empty chair, and they are not helpful.

Alyssa18o6 · June 2014

I personally think you should do whatever your heart desires! It's your father, and you should be free to memorialize him which ever way you want without having to worry about anyone else. I think your idea is lovely

I like the idea of adding a picture to the chair as well, or instead of the sign if you wish. It's a way of having your Dad there since he can't physically be there.

Jen4948 · June 2014

Alyssa18o6 said:

I personally think you should do whatever your heart desires! It's your father, and you should be free to memorialize him which ever way you want without having to worry about anyone else. I think your idea is lovely I like the idea of adding a picture to the chair as well, or instead of the sign if you wish. It's a way of having your Dad there since he can't physically be there.

Many of us disagree, and it really isn't considerate of your guests to "do whatever your heart desires" if it makes them really uncomfortable. There is more than one "way of having your Dad there since he can't physically be there" as noted above, and we advocate using one that doesn't have the potential to evoke grief and sorrow at what should be a happy occasion.

GuitarSlayer · June 2014

I would edge toward subtlety in this situation. Wear or carry items that belong to the deceased as a memorial to him - pins in the bouquet, carry a prayer book, sew a piece of fabric from a suit or shirt into your dress, something like that. You mentioned your wedding was small - the empty chair is going to stand out a lot more. When you look at that chair from your position before the officiant-- are you going to think about happy moments with your dad, or will you cry because it's empty? Really reconsider your idea if it's the latter.

Some people here are concerned with people being offended, but you should also be concerned about people being a little too enthusiastic about it and turning your wedding into a memorial. I have a FMIL who is obsessed with her dead parents (posts biannual photo montages on FB for their anniversary and birthdays, gets mad when people don't post on their walls wishing them well in heaven -- even when they've been dead for 8+ YEARS). I have no objections to FI wearing his grandfather's watch and his grandmother's earrings as lapel pins or something; I will do something similar for those that were deceased on my side. However, I don't want a trussed up dead chair staring at me from the first row, nor do I want FMIL fussing with it during the ceremony.

I need an opinion on this sign idea (parents that have passed)-- please and thanks :)

Re: I need an opinion on this sign idea (parents that have passed)-- please and thanks :)

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