Guest List Confused

michyrookie325 · May 2014

Hi everyone, I am a newly engaged bride-to-be! I read the sticky about "Who Should I invite" and it answered some questions but not all. Sorry if I am being redundant to other posts!

My fiance and I have a LARGE family. My parents & brothers (4), his parents & brother (3), aunts, uncles and only 1st cousins is 197 people! We are having our wedding in Ireland which is where we are both from and our families both live. This isn't including any of our friends. My question is if half of my 1st cousins didn't invite any cousins to their weddings, is it okay to just invite some cousins and not all? In my gut I know it is wrong to exclude family but at this rate I'm going to have to rent an entire hotel, or town! Haha :-X Any advice would be very appreciated. Thank ladies and gents

-Michelle

pinkshorts27 · May 2014

MichelleJohn325 said:

Hi everyone, I am a newly engaged bride-to-be! I read the sticky about "Who Should I invite" and it answered some questions but not all. Sorry if I am being redundant to other posts!

My fiance and I have a LARGE family. My parents & brothers (4), his parents & brother (3), aunts, uncles and only 1st cousins is 197 people! We are having our wedding in Ireland which is where we are both from and our families both live. This isn't including any of our friends. My question is if half of my 1st cousins didn't invite any cousins to their weddings, is it okay to just invite some cousins and not all? In my gut I know it is wrong to exclude family but at this rate I'm going to have to rent an entire hotel, or town! Haha :-X Any advice would be very appreciated. Thank ladies and gents

-Michelle

blood =/= an auto invite. So it is okay to exclude family.

It is okay to not invite in circles. So if you invite Cousin A then not all first cousins need an invite. Invite those you are closest too (but also include SOs!). On the other hand, it is nice to invite within families, so if Cousin A has 2 sister's B and C, you should probably invite all 3, but this is more important if they are under 18. If you really see Cousin A all the time and never see B and C or had a falling out with B and C, I would argue that it isn't required (assuming they are adults).

Also invites are not tit-for-tat. Even if Sally invited you to her wedding, you do not have to invite her. If she didn't invite you, then you are okay to invite her. Judge based on how close you are currently

michyrookie325 · May 2014

Thank you, great advice!

JCbride2015 · May 2014

Can I just say THANK YOU for being new to this board and actually reading the sticky?

And I think it's okay, especially in a situation with such a large family, to determine invites based upon how close you are to the cousin. Fi has a huge family like this too. There is one family of 2nd cousins we are close with. We will invite them, but not the other 2nd cousins we don't spend time with. As long as you invite all SOs (significant others), you're good. It's even okay to invite parents but not children. Just understand you might get more declines if people are worried about childcare.

pinkshorts27 · May 2014

MichelleJohn325 said:

Thank you, great advice!

I like you already.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

Oh I like you.

And I agree with PPs. You can invite only those cousins you're close to and not the others as long as you follow all the normal protocols (inviting SOs by name, etc.)

RebeccaFlower · May 2014

You're fine only inviting some especially since that seems to be the precedent in your family, however I would just like to make note that some people might be hurt and upset. I'm not saying they're right, but that you might have some push back from guests/non-guests about your decision and you just need to own it.

pinkshorts27 · May 2014

RebeccaFlower said:

You're fine only inviting some especially since that seems to be the precedent in your family, however I would just like to make note that some people might be hurt and upset. I'm not saying they're right, but that you might have some push back from guests/non-guests about your decision and you just need to own it.

Rebecca is right. Learn the phrase "Oh, I'm sorry we haven't finalized our guest list yet" and "Unfortunately we were not able to invite everyone we wanted"

michyrookie325 · May 2014

Great! Thank you everyone, you gave me some great ideas and advice. It has put my mind at ease a little to know that there are various options. It has come down the grapevine to me that some cousins are already saying "I better be invited" (most of which invited no cousins to their weddings), but I will take it in stride and take it as a compliment they all want to help me celebrate my big day.

The phrase: "Sorry, we haven't finalized yet!" has officially been added to my mind! You ladies are fantastic, thanks again !!

phira · May 2014

I've gotten "I better be invited!" and I just say, "Well, we haven't finalized the guest list yet," or (early in wedding planning), "We haven't even had a chance to sit down and figure any details out!" That one shuts people up pretty nicely

You also get an award for having the biggest frickin families. My partner and I have about 80 people when we tally up parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and first cousins. I thought we had it rough!!

And welcome to the boards!

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2014

MichelleJohn325 said:

Great! Thank you everyone, you gave me some great ideas and advice. It has put my mind at ease a little to know that there are various options. It has come down the grapevine to me that some cousins are already saying "I better be invited" (most of which invited no cousins to their weddings), but I will take it in stride and take it as a compliment they all want to help me celebrate my big day.

The phrase: "Sorry, we haven't finalized yet!" has officially been added to my mind! You ladies are fantastic, thanks again !!

Don't let people bully you. Crappy attitudes like that should not be rewarded. It sounds like you're off to a good start so just stay strong with your plans!

FWIW, for our wedding my FI invited only his first cousins who are 21+ on his mom's side (there are 30 of them, ranging in age from ~10 to 40, and he's not particularly close with any of them). On his dad's side, he only has 3 (teenage) cousins who are all in one family, so he included them all (all are in college and live out of state, so they likely won't come for a September wedding anyway). None of his cousins' kids were invited. I, on the other hand, am pretty close with nearly all of my cousins (and step-cousins) and their children, so we invited them all. There is 1 cousin I haven't spoken to in 15 years. She didn't make the cut, nor did her 6 (7?) kids. There's another cousin I'm not close with, but I invited his two sisters so I did invite him, along with his wife and 2 kids. (All SOs are included.)

[Deleted User] · May 2014

I find it so rude when people say, "I better be invited." But I'll also admit to having done it once. Back in college the cute guy in my photography class got engaged to my boss at the yearbook office. I told them, "please send me an invitation! I promise not to come!" I knew they would be getting married on the other side of the country and I wouldn't be able to afford to go. I just honestly wanted to be able to think about them on their wedding day and send them good vibes. They sent me an invitation I still remember (15 years later) since it was so 'artsy' and so 'them'.

phira · May 2014

adk19 said:

I find it so rude when people say, "I better be invited." But I'll also admit to having done it once. Back in college the cute guy in my photography class got engaged to my boss at the yearbook office. I told them, "please send me an invitation! I promise not to come!" I knew they would be getting married on the other side of the country and I wouldn't be able to afford to go. I just honestly wanted to be able to think about them on their wedding day and send them good vibes. They sent me an invitation I still remember (15 years later) since it was so 'artsy' and so 'them'.

That's kind of sweet, actually. And to me, it feels a little different than insisting on being invited for realsies.

michyrookie325 · May 2014

That's very sweet of you! They were probably really happy that someone wanted to send them happy wedding vibes and took an interest rather than just saying I better be invited haha

michyrookie325 · May 2014

phira said:

"You also get an award for having the biggest frickin families. My partner and I have about 80 people when we tally up parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and first cousins. I thought we had it rough!!

And welcome to the boards!"

Thank you for the welcome, Phira!

cupcait927 · May 2014

A lot of other PPs have given you some great advice! I just wanted to add that we are inviting FI's cousins in circles as well. I have all of 3 (2 with SOs) but I've never been close with them so they will not be invited (13 to 15 years older than me and didn't grow up around me so I don't even know them). FI has a LOT of cousins but isn't close with all of them so we're inviting the ones that he grew up with and is closest with (and their SOs, of course). So circles are definitely okay and an easy way to trim our guest list.

Inkdancer · May 2014

Welcome to the boards! You can stay, we like you.

michyrookie325 · May 2014

Thank you @Inkdancer, I think I will stay!

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