Inviting Friends' Kids, but not Cousins' kids?

quirkybride15 · May 2014

I'm having a guest list conundrum. I have a zillion cousins - none of whom I am close to. All of my cousins have kids - many of whom I have never met, or met only once. On the other hand, I have a handful of close friends who have kids that I know and love.

We can only afford a very small venue, and so the guests list has to be fairly minimalist. If I invite all of my cousins and their kids, that eats up about 1/3 of my guest list, and I would have to cut several friends & kids that I would want to see there.

I don't want to have an "adults only" reception, because there are 6-7 kids that I would like to include on the invite to their parents. Can I pick and choose which kids to invite? Would I be a horrible person if I left off all of my cousins kids, but then invite a small handful of other people's kids?

Jen4948 · May 2014

hhetzler77 said:

I'm having a guest list conundrum. I have a zillion cousins - none of whom I am close to. All of my cousins have kids - many of whom I have never met, or met only once. On the other hand, I have a handful of close friends who have kids that I know and love.

We can only afford a very small venue, and so the guests list has to be fairly minimalist. If I invite all of my cousins and their kids, that eats up about 1/3 of my guest list, and I would have to cut several friends & kids that I would want to see there.

I don't want to have an "adults only" reception, because there are 6-7 kids that I would like to include on the invite to their parents. Can I pick and choose which kids to invite? Would I be a horrible person if I left off all of my cousins kids, but then invite a small handful of other people's kids?

I wouldn't go so far as to call you a "horrible person," but if I were your cousin and was asked not to bring my kid but then attended your wedding and non-related kids were present, it might confuse me. By way of avoiding that confusion for your guests, I'd either have an adults-only wedding or invite kids from your family as well.

EllieAugust · May 2014

You are not close with your cousins or their children. The advice given is always to invite in circles. You just happen to place your friends in a closer circle than your cousins. I think that is okay to invite your friend's children since they are part of your life. But you just have to understand if your cousins decline (which it seems like you would be since you aren't that close)

quirkybride15 · May 2014

Well, I wouldn't come right out and say "Don't bring your kids." It would just be cousin and spouse's name on the invite envelope. I know... I'm trying to find a loophole perhaps. The thing is if I invited all of them, I know most of my cousins either won't come and/or won't bring their kids. But I just am worried about inviting too many people in the hopes they won't all show up. This is hard!

tcnoble · May 2014

hhetzler77 said:

Well, I wouldn't come right out and say "Don't bring your kids." It would just be cousin and spouse's name on the invite envelope. I know... I'm trying to find a loophole perhaps. The thing is if I invited all of them, I know most of my cousins either won't come and/or won't bring their kids. But I just am worried about inviting too many people in the hopes they won't all show up. This is hard!

Don't invite anyone in hopes they won't show up - when you make your guest list, and plan to send invitations to each guest, plan for EVERY single one of them to attend. Don't invite more than you can afford to host, and don't invite people you don't really want there so you'll have room for others.

We ran in to this same issue, and FWIW, we are inviting the children of cousins/aunts/whatever that we are close with and see regularly. Cousins with kids whom we see every few years, they aren't on the list and we aren't worried about it. We invited in the circle of kids we are close with. I think that's acceptable. Sounds like that would be an option for you as well. Best to invite the ones you WANT there and can afford.

chibiyui · May 2014

They're your cousins not your siblings. I personally wouldn't find it all that odd.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

I think you're fine. You're still inviting in circles -- friends' kids rather than first cousins once removed.

But it's a know-your-family thing. If your family will get upset that non-family kids are invited and family kids aren't, maybe adults-only is the best way to go.

My family wouldn't have cared, but we invited kids basically wholesale, so it wasn't an issue.

AddieCake · May 2014

I picked and chose which kids to invite.

NYCBruin · May 2014

AddieCake said:

I picked and chose which kids to invite.

We aren't inviting children, but if we were we'd be doing this. Sharing an arbitrary amount of DNA with me doesn't entitle you to a wedding invitation, whether you're four or forty. I never understood the logic of inviting in circles, so because I see my cousin 2-3 times a month and can't imagine getting married without him there, I now have to invite cousins who I haven't seen in years at the expense of cutting friends from the guest list? That makes no sense.

Signed, a circle hater.

phira · May 2014

Inviting in circles is fine. Don't invite anyone hoping they won't come; invite the people you want to be there.

huskypuppy14 · May 2014

You can pick and choose which children to invite, just as you pick and choose which friends to invite, which family to invite, which co workers to invite.

If you are not close with your cousin's children, don't invite them. As long as you are not inviting one child of one immediate family and not his/her sibling you are fine. So you can't invite 10 year old Sam, but not invite his 6 year old sister.

There will be children at my wedding, but not everyone's children was invited. My cousin's children were not invited, even though my Fiance's cousin's children were. I would say go as far as not inviting your cousin's at all if you are having a small wedding. Just because one child was invited, doesn't mean all children of every guest need to be invited.

grumbledore · May 2014

Jen4948 said:

hhetzler77 said:

I'm having a guest list conundrum. I have a zillion cousins - none of whom I am close to. All of my cousins have kids - many of whom I have never met, or met only once. On the other hand, I have a handful of close friends who have kids that I know and love.

We can only afford a very small venue, and so the guests list has to be fairly minimalist. If I invite all of my cousins and their kids, that eats up about 1/3 of my guest list, and I would have to cut several friends & kids that I would want to see there.

I don't want to have an "adults only" reception, because there are 6-7 kids that I would like to include on the invite to their parents. Can I pick and choose which kids to invite? Would I be a horrible person if I left off all of my cousins kids, but then invite a small handful of other people's kids?

I wouldn't go so far as to call you a "horrible person," but if I were your cousin and was asked not to bring my kid but then attended your wedding and non-related kids were present, it might confuse me. By way of avoiding that confusion for your guests, I'd either have an adults-only wedding or invite kids from your family as well.

I disagree with this. OP, I think you invite who you want to invite. If you are close to the kids of your friends and not to the kids of your cousins, then invite the friends' kids. I wouldn't be the least bit "confused" or upset if I went to the wedding of a distant relative without my daughter and someone else's kid was there. Who cares?

Invite the people you love and are close to, it's not hard.

grumbledore · May 2014

NYCBruin said:

AddieCake said:

I picked and chose which kids to invite.

We aren't inviting children, but if we were we'd be doing this. Sharing an arbitrary amount of DNA with me doesn't entitle you to a wedding invitation, whether you're four or forty. I never understood the logic of inviting in circles, so because I see my cousin 2-3 times a month and can't imagine getting married without him there, I now have to invite cousins who I haven't seen in years at the expense of cutting friends from the guest list? That makes no sense.

Signed, a circle hater.

Agreed. I am not inviting any of my cousins, but we are inviting FI's cousins who we see all the time or whose weddings we've attended. I'm not close to my family, we are close to his family. It's a no-brainer. I wouldn't buy my cousins dinner any other day of the year, why for my wedding?

twitterbird · May 2014

I'm not even inviting all my cousins to my wedding. If I haven't seen or talked to them outside of a family wedding/funeral then they aren't getting an invite. I'm much closer to my friends then pretty much all of my family. Only 1 or 2 of the cousins who made the cut have small children and I am not inviting them. Just because people are related to you doesn't mean you have to invite them.

KGold80 · May 2014

grumbledore said:

NYCBruin said:

AddieCake said:

I picked and chose which kids to invite.

We aren't inviting children, but if we were we'd be doing this. Sharing an arbitrary amount of DNA with me doesn't entitle you to a wedding invitation, whether you're four or forty. I never understood the logic of inviting in circles, so because I see my cousin 2-3 times a month and can't imagine getting married without him there, I now have to invite cousins who I haven't seen in years at the expense of cutting friends from the guest list? That makes no sense.

Signed, a circle hater.

Agreed. I am not inviting any of my cousins, but we are inviting FI's cousins who we see all the time or whose weddings we've attended. I'm not close to my family, we are close to his family. It's a no-brainer. I wouldn't buy my cousins dinner any other day of the year, why for my wedding?

Exactly this. None of my cousins are invited. We've invited all of my FI's cousins from his dad's side and none of his cousins from his mom's side. We're MUCH closer to one side of the family than the others (yes, this is plural because both sets of parents are divorced and remarried). If anyone wants to get upset about it...well, that's too bad. We had to make a bunch of difficult decisions as to who to invite as it was. It just seemed really silly to cut out people who are major parts of our lives simply because these other people are related by blood.

climbingsingle · May 2014

I'm also not inviting all my cousins. I'm also not inviting my dad's 75 half brother and sisters that I never see.

We're picking and choosing what kids we're inviting. And we're only inviting my cousin's two daughters and FI's step-sister's kids. They're the only ones that we're really close with.

harper0813 · May 2014

I think it's absolutely fine to pick and choose whose kids to invite. You're not close to everyone's kids. And if anyone questions you, you just say, "We weren't able to invite everyone we wanted to."

When it comes to giving plus ones to the truly single, that's an area in which I would use the "circle method". But not with kids.

quirkybride15 · May 2014

Thanks so much to all who replied! This has been helpful. I will end up inviting my cousins, but not their kids. There are only 2-3 friends whose kids I will invite. In the end, there will probably only be about 7-10 kids there anyway - including my niece and nephews who are in the wedding party.

kitty8403 · May 2014

My family would not be ok with this. They would expect family children to be invited over non-related children, and not doing so would cause a ton of hurt feelings.
I think this is a know your crowd situation.
FWIW, we DID invite both the cousins' children and some friends' children. ( Edit: I feel ya. i have a ton of cousins too, and they multiply quite well.) There are children in other circles who we did not invite. We are scaling down our reception plans in order to accommodate eveybody and we shopped around for a larger venue. The alternative for us would probably have been to invite no children, or no children beyond a certain age limit.

Jen4948 · May 2014

grumbledore said:

Jen4948 said:

hhetzler77 said:

I'm having a guest list conundrum. I have a zillion cousins - none of whom I am close to. All of my cousins have kids - many of whom I have never met, or met only once. On the other hand, I have a handful of close friends who have kids that I know and love.

We can only afford a very small venue, and so the guests list has to be fairly minimalist. If I invite all of my cousins and their kids, that eats up about 1/3 of my guest list, and I would have to cut several friends & kids that I would want to see there.

I don't want to have an "adults only" reception, because there are 6-7 kids that I would like to include on the invite to their parents. Can I pick and choose which kids to invite? Would I be a horrible person if I left off all of my cousins kids, but then invite a small handful of other people's kids?

I wouldn't go so far as to call you a "horrible person," but if I were your cousin and was asked not to bring my kid but then attended your wedding and non-related kids were present, it might confuse me. By way of avoiding that confusion for your guests, I'd either have an adults-only wedding or invite kids from your family as well.

I disagree with this. OP, I think you invite who you want to invite. If you are close to the kids of your friends and not to the kids of your cousins, then invite the friends' kids. I wouldn't be the least bit "confused" or upset if I went to the wedding of a distant relative without my daughter and someone else's kid was there. Who cares?

Invite the people you love and are close to, it's not hard.

Normally I'd agree with you, but in this case the only kids there are the non-relatives. People really do care when they're told not to bring their own children but see other children there.

If the issue was the specific behavior of the children who are not invited, like kids who get really out of control and their parents refuse to do anything about it, then I'd be in full agreement with you. But if these are relatives you don't see that much of anyway, it's just an issue that might be worth avoiding altogether by not inviting any children.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

I don't know why some people think kids need to be an all or nothing deal. They're people first, a demographic second. I know some kids, I don't know others. I know some adults, I don't know others. I like some kids, I don't like others. Why would I have to invite people (in this case they happen to be children) I don't know? And why would I have to refrain from inviting people (in this case, children) that I know and like and enjoy being around?

If my cousins don't like that their kids weren't invited they don't have to come.

Inviting Friends' Kids, but not Cousins' kids?

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