Wedding Etiquette Forum

Honest opinions wanted

lkristenjlkristenj member
Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
edited May 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I want to start this by saying that I in no way want a PPD or condone such behavior. I get it. You get one wedding and one day. Period.

I come from a very small town in which everyone knows everyone. My family is one of the founding families of said town. We have been there since the 1800s, along with several other families. I am not particularly close to many of these people, although various members of my family (especially grandmother, great aunt) are and many people know of me, despite me not knowing them. My family is also very active in the church community. I know that many people would be interested in at least hearing about the wedding. They're nosy that way.

While I do want to invite some of these people to my wedding, I do not feel the need to invite all of them, nor can I. I just want to have the people who helped me grow up and supported me through the years witness my marriage. My wedding will be where I live, which is 4 hours from "home". My hometown has many of an older generation and my mom is convinced that even if invited, not many would travel that far, especially not to a big city.

So, my mom thought that it might be nice to host a second reception or celebration or whatever-you'd-like-to-call it in my hometown after the wedding. A group of women there have offered to throw me a shower. This gets tricky just because of the limited number of people I would likely be inviting from this town, so it would be a small shower and nearly exclusively from "my side". I do not care about gifts and such, but I don't want anyone to feel left out for not being invited to the shower, thereby starting town drama, and I don't want to people to show up to the shower that I have no intention of inviting. I hate politics. So, my mom thought maybe they could host the after-celebration for us instead. Is it rude to suggest that? I know these women well and they just want to do something nice for me because they love me. All of them will be invited to the wedding. I would love to share my happiness with my hometown. I know my family is important there and it matters to them. I just am not sure how.

Also, this celebration would in no way resemble a wedding. It would likely be come-and-go, held in the community center with cake and snacks. Very informal. I would not wear my dress. We would not say vows. We may have photos on display, etc. and it would likely be several months after the wedding.

Is any of this inappropriate or ill-advised? I would like honest advice because I don't want to be rude and I'm not sure what is appropriate in this situation. The town is very traditional and close-knit and I know many would care about etiquette.

ETF paragraphs - They disappeared on me!

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"They say there's no such place... as Paradise. Even if you search to the ends of the Earth, there's nothing there. No matter how far you walk, it's always the same road. It just goes on and on. But, in spite of that... Why am I so driven to find it? A voice calls to me... It says, 'Search for Paradise.' " - Kiba, Wolf's Rain

Re: Honest opinions wanted

  • Sorry, I just realized how long that turned out.

    TL;DR - Small town, everyone knows everyone. Likely low attendance at big city wedding far away. Not inviting many from hometown to wedding, so shower may cause drama. Can I suggest an after-party/reception to those offering to host a shower? Is such an after-party/reception appropriate a few months after the wedding? November wedding, celebration after the holidays. It would not be a PPD or have any trappings of a wedding, but just a way to celebrate with hometown folks.

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    "They say there's no such place... as Paradise. Even if you search to the ends of the Earth, there's nothing there. No matter how far you walk, it's always the same road. It just goes on and on. But, in spite of that... Why am I so driven to find it? A voice calls to me... It says, 'Search for Paradise.' " - Kiba, Wolf's Rain

  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Invite people, and if they can't make it, they can't make it.

    I'd suggest that you go to church or something with your parents and put your wedding album in the car . Anyone who has the balls to complain about not being able to make it can look at the wedding album and chill the F out.
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    Inkdancerdoeydosinginchick13
  • Eh, as long as you don't frill it up as a fake reception, I wouldn't side-eye you.  Just make it a kickass party with free booze.  Aint nobody gotta apologize for that.



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    beharringtonrajahmdladybird29KeptInStitches
  • Eh, as long as you don't frill it up as a fake reception, I wouldn't side-eye you.  Just make it a kickass party with free booze.  Aint nobody gotta apologize for that.
    Truth! 

    I think a party is fine - you're not turning it into a PPD. I would most definitely have pictures - at least an album on the table - for anyone who wants to see them. 
    offensivekitten2melbelleupashleyep

  • Eh, as long as you don't frill it up as a fake reception, I wouldn't side-eye you.  Just make it a kickass party with free booze.  Aint nobody gotta apologize for that.
    Truth! 

    I think a party is fine - you're not turning it into a PPD. I would most definitely have pictures - at least an album on the table - for anyone who wants to see them. 
    Erhmaaaageerd WineLover!  It's been ages, I didn't know you were still around these parts!



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    [Deleted User]

  • Eh, as long as you don't frill it up as a fake reception, I wouldn't side-eye you.  Just make it a kickass party with free booze.  Aint nobody gotta apologize for that.
    Truth! 

    I think a party is fine - you're not turning it into a PPD. I would most definitely have pictures - at least an album on the table - for anyone who wants to see them. 
    Erhmaaaageerd WineLover!  It's been ages, I didn't know you were still around these parts!
    It has been ages! I don't come around too often anymore. 
    offensivekitten2
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm confused about who is invited to what. IMO, everyone invited to the after wedding celebration must also be invited to the actual wedding. I'm not sure you're doing that or why not invite everyone to the actual wedding and call it a day?
    melbelleup
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    lc07 said:
    I'm confused about who is invited to what. IMO, everyone invited to the after wedding celebration must also be invited to the actual wedding. I'm not sure you're doing that or why not invite everyone to the actual wedding and call it a day?
    It sounds like she doesn't want to invite everyone from her town to the wedding itself, though.

    I think I would decline the shower as politely as you can. It sounds like it would be a shower where nearly all of the guests would not be invited to the actual wedding, and I'd explain that as a reason for declining ("I appreciate the thought so much! It's so kind of you. However, I just don't feel right being the guest of honor at a shower when the majority of guests wouldn't be invited to the event. I'm so sorry").

    I would invite whomever you want to invite to the wedding; while your mother may be correct that some of the older hometown folk might decline because of the distance, that doesn't mean you'd be rude to invite them. And if they can't/don't attend, that doesn't necessitate a hometown reception.

    You don't necessarily need to decline the hometown reception entirely, and it sounds like that might be the best way to satisfy everyone you need to from your hometown. You shouldn't automatically accept just because you're declining the shower, but you can accept if it's something you want. And a hometown reception is not a PPD, for all the reasons you've noted (you're not exchanging vows or doing wedding stuff).
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  • vt&dtvt&dt member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    I think a party, like an open-house, is a fine idea.  Wedding pictures/album to look through is a great idea - sounds like you're avoiding everything PPD so you're good there.

    Did your mom say that the ladies in your hometown (many of whom were not invited to the wedding) would be hosting?  That would be a little weird.  I feel like it should be you and your FI or your families hosting an event for the people in your hometown, those who weren't invited to the wedding shouldn't need to host an event for your wedding.
  • I feel like some of the details have been lost in translation. I probably didn't do a good job of explaining.

    No, the ladies who have offered to host a shower for me would all be invited and would also likely attend. Several people from my hometown will be invited, but not many who aren't family. The ladies hosting are two of my aunts, and my aunt's friend (who is also a cousin to that aunt's husband). They are all really close to my family and would have been invited regardless.

    My mom thinks that if we invite one person from church that we have to invite everyone from church. Or, if I invite one family that really supported our relationship from the beginning, I have to invite her sister's family, her brother's family, her mother's family, etc. So, a family of 5 turns into having to invite 20+ people, most of which I don't know. That's the kind of thing I want to avoid. If only it could be as simple as inviting who I want to be there. Since my parents have generously offered to pay for much of the wedding, I know I need to listen to my mother. We have more than enough space for what I want (about 175 people), but when we start talking about inviting people from "home", it quickly snowballs out of control to the point where there wouldn't be seats for everyone. Our venue seats 228. When we talk about people from my hometown and it starts to be "if we invite X family (which is the family I want to invite), then we have to invite Y family too, and then their relatives..." and so on. Then I end up with 300+ people I "have" to invite. We've had many conversations about it. A line has to be drawn somewhere. I think it will end up being family and a very few other family groups that I have grown up with. My mom has agreed to trimming her list significantly because she understands that we just don't have the room for everyone. I do feel bad because if anyone is upset for not being invited, she will have to deal with that, not me. I don't live there anymore. However, I'm under the impression that everyone should be able to be adults about it and not get their feelings hurt so easily. Does that ever actually work in real life, though?

    Also, no booze at any of this. No one in my family drinks. Plus, the community center (which my dad owns, so free) wouldn't allow it. Small, conservative town and the county was dry until 5 years ago.

    I just want to let the people who want to celebrate with me do so. I can't invite everyone and some can't/won't travel anyway, but I do want to let them be a part of it if they want to. If only some can be invited to my wedding and reception 4 hours away in November, is it wrong to have another party inviting essentially everyone after the holidays? I guess it would just be like any other party with cake and food, so why not right?

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

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    "They say there's no such place... as Paradise. Even if you search to the ends of the Earth, there's nothing there. No matter how far you walk, it's always the same road. It just goes on and on. But, in spite of that... Why am I so driven to find it? A voice calls to me... It says, 'Search for Paradise.' " - Kiba, Wolf's Rain

  • I also want to be clear that I would not invite anyone to a shower that would not be invited to the wedding. That would be rude. I'm just worried that my invite list may not be honored or that people would hear and show up anyway. I know that's on them, not me, but still. I don't want to be rude even by proxy. I'm fine with a small shower where only those who are invited to the wedding are invited.

    My mom just suggested that a party after the wedding may be better INSTEAD of that shower because more people could be invited. And that has nothing to do with gifts, only that there are people who want to be involved/included that would have to be excluded in a shower for wedding guests only. I would not expect gifts of any sort to be given at any party after the wedding. It wouldn't be a gift-giving kind of party.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    image

    "They say there's no such place... as Paradise. Even if you search to the ends of the Earth, there's nothing there. No matter how far you walk, it's always the same road. It just goes on and on. But, in spite of that... Why am I so driven to find it? A voice calls to me... It says, 'Search for Paradise.' " - Kiba, Wolf's Rain

  • I think your parents should absolutely thrown an open house after the holidays for people in your home town.   They can call it a post-holiday shindig, or a cabin fever party.  They can send out invitations and mention, "Oh, and by the way, lkristenj and her HUSBAND will be there!"
    lkristenj
  • AprilH81AprilH81 Columbus, OH member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Yeah, I would just have your parents throw a party/open house several months after the wedding.  You can have some pictures on a table in the corner and just mix and mingle with everyone.  

    As long as it isn't a "reception" type event with you guys as the center of attention I think it will work.  You still may get a few gifts, just thank them, put them out of sight and write the note when you get home.
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    [Deleted User]lc07
  • lkristenj said:

    Sorry, I just realized how long that turned out.

    TL;DR - Small town, everyone knows everyone. Likely low attendance at big city wedding far away. Not inviting many from hometown to wedding, so shower may cause drama. Can I suggest an after-party/reception to those offering to host a shower? Is such an after-party/reception appropriate a few months after the wedding? November wedding, celebration after the holidays. It would not be a PPD or have any trappings of a wedding, but just a way to celebrate with hometown folks.


    Totally get it.
    My plan is to get married and then publish an announcement in the local paper. News travels fast!
    I'm debating whether to host a community open house when we get back from a family trip (not a honeymoon -- we'll do that later). If we did that, I'd probably post an announcement and have something simple like coffee, punch and cookies for a couple hours. We have the space to do it at home--I'm sure you could have a friend do something similar, or have something at church or a community center.
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    AprilH81 said:
    Yeah, I would just have your parents throw a party/open house several months after the wedding.  You can have some pictures on a table in the corner and just mix and mingle with everyone.  

    As long as it isn't a "reception" type event with you guys as the center of attention I think it will work.  You still may get a few gifts, just thank them, put them out of sight and write the note when you get home.
    Agreed. I would not call this a second reception. You receive guests who were invited to the wedding. It would come off as a consolation prize to those who were not invited to the wedding. That would be off-putting to me. If a party is thrown at a later date for those not invited to the wedding, I would plan to have nothing related to the wedding taking place. I think having photos available for those who want to see them would be fine, however. 

    I guess I just don't see how this will appease those who were not invited to the wedding.
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