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Wedding Recap and Withdrawal
How to be a great wedding guest...based on my experience as a bride
After our wedding just a few weeks ago, I've been reflecting a lot on many of the things I really valued in our guests. A lot of them are things I never would have guessed before the wedding. And I'm glad I've had this experience, so now I know how to be a really great guest in the future!
- Yes, the bride (and possibly her betrothed as well) wants help with all those arts & crafts projects. Even if she doesn't ask, she wants help. She will love you forever and ever if you tell her you want to come over and help fold seating cards or stuff envelopes. I personally will be making a point to offer an afternoon of help to every one of my friends who gets married in the future. The one friend who did this for me (and did it several times, in fact) is now one of my favorite people in the world. Seriously.
- If the RSVP card says "initial your choice of entree", that means you should actually write your initials. Not just "1" next to one entree for you, and "1" next to another entree for your date. Which is which??? What do I tell the caterer???
- And other tip on RSVP cards...send it back, even if you're a close family member. Even if you're in the wedding party. Somebody is probably using those cards as the sole way to track the RSVPs (and the dinner choices). Even if you're the mother of the bride...pretty please send back the card.
- Speaking of arts & crafts projects, chances are extremely good that the engaged couple spent hours and hours on at least one project. Probably it's something that you won't even notice as a guest...like those cut-paper doilies under every plate. Little do you know that those were made from a Martha Stewart Weddings magazine project idea, and each doily took 45 minutes, and the scissors gave them blisters on their fingers. Ask around (quietly) to find out what they slaved over, and then make a point of complimenting it. (We spent probably two hours on each program when all was said and done. By the end of it, I was saying "I don't give a shit about the dress anymore. I just want compliments on these frakking programs." Guess how many compliments we got on the programs? None. If just one person had said how nice the programs were, I swear I would have kissed them and given them my bouquet. Compliment the arts & crafts...for real.)
- Ok, one more thing about arts & crafts. Even if you don't actually like the program (and I can live with that), pleeeease don't toss it on the ground or in a trashcan. Pretend you like it. Put it gently on a table somewhere and then quietly abandon it. Seeing a torn program on the ground with a footprint across it just about broke my heart.
- Come watch the cake cutting. Yes, it's boring. Yes, nobody actually cares about the cake cutting. We know you're bored. Come watch it anyway because it will mean so much to us to have you be part of the moment.
- Even if you don't watch the cake cutting, at least stay until it's over. Unless you have an actually serious reason you need to leave. But otherwise please try to stay...we paid so much darn money to have this party. Please stay for as long as you possibly can. We want to enjoy every minute with you.
- After the ceremony, ask (when there's a moment) to see the new wedding band. I was so excited about my new band and not one person asked to see it at the reception. I wasn't going to shove it in people's faces but I would have loved to have been asked to show it off, just a little.
- Be a good sport and come dance with the new couple if they specifically ask you to join them on the dance floor. We had a lot of friends who refused to get up and join us for even one song. It was a real bummer. We were so happy they were at the wedding, and we wanted to party and be happy with them...but they refused to dance with us, even when we went over and begged them one-on-one. I know I might get some flak for this from people who will say "Some folks just don't like to dance...why should they force themselves?" But it's not about the dancing. It's about spending time together as friends. So truly, just get up and dance. Or if you absolutely refuse to dance, say "Let's take a moment instead to share a glass of wine together", or "Let's take some photos together", or something else that will communicate that you want to spend a moment with them. We were so saddened by our friends who just sat and wouldn't come dance or hang out with us.I'm sure they didn't mean to be hurtful, but that's how it ended up. I'm now determined not to do this to any of my friends in the future at their weddings, even unwittingly.
- Say goodbye before you leave. Especially if you came far away. There were several people who left without telling me, probably because they didn't want to interrupt...but I wanted so much to give them another hug and thank them again for coming. I wish I could have.
Those were my big "aha" moments regarding things I had never realized would make such a difference for the new couple. I wish someone had told me these things long ago, but at least now I know for all my friends' weddings in the future.
I'm sure there are tons more I missed...any others from the community?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How to be a great wedding guest...based on my experience as a bride
I'm the fuck out.
Any bride who doesn't realize she is going to see her programs in the garbage (along with those cute little napkins with names/dates on them and the invitations) is truly fooling herself. They are of no use after the ceremony is over. Things that are of no use go in the trash.
4th DD is getting married in 2 weeks. She has spent about a bazillion hours on a flower wall. While it is certainly pretty it won't mean 2 squats to her guests and she know this. It is important to her, but she knows that all those hundreds of hours she has spent on it are going to be in the trash can an hour after everyone leaves.
You can't project your emotions about things you decide to make on others. I don't want engaged brides to read this and think that friends and family should be calling and volunteering for craft projects because that is an unreasonable expectation. You decided to make it so you make it. If people don't volunteer that doesn't make them a less than stellar guest/friend.
No problem with 2nd and 3rd points.
disagree with 4th and 5th. Iffy on the cake thing - this should not be any kind of a deal breaker. If people watch, great. If not, great.
People should leave when they feel it is the right time. If we are "that" couple who doesn't know anyone at a wedding we will leave after dinner. Been with DH for over 23 years - the man does not dance. Ever. We get quite embarrassed at weddings where the couple or bridal party tries to make us get up and dance (only happened a couple of times, thankfully).
There is no poor behavior in leaving when you feel it is time. And....people may have something else they also need to tend to or need to get home to a sitter who can't stay late.
I agree that it is polite for guests to come say goodbye before they leave. You really seemed to be looking for validation from your guests rather than just having a good time and welcoming them.
double post
I did them ONLY because people kept fretting to me about the order of a Catholic Mass.
I got TONS of compliments on them, which surprised me. I was like, 'But they're just MS Publisher programmes...?'
I always ask to see the bling because I like jewellery. I always send back RSVP cards because it's the right thing to do.
I generally do not dance and don't enjoy being in the middle of s group dance. I don't watch the cake cutting up close and personal because I don't see the point. I say goodbye because it's polite.
I generally offer to help with whatever people need for their weddings, but it depends on my friends. Super 'Zilla friends? No offer to help because I know it will be too stressful.
Look, guys, weddings are a big expense for a lot of people. They involve a ton of planning choices, many of which are deeply personal. Doesn't mean it all will be your taste or even be noticed by you. But "frills" like programs and favors and decorations are still an investment in the guests. They are there for you to enjoy and appreciate, just as much as the food or seating. So I can see why somebody might feel hurt if all that extra work goes completely unacknowledged.
But I do appreciate sincere offers of help, which is, I guess, my interpretation of what the OP was actually getting at. If you want to volunteer to help me set up tables or hang bows or lay out tablecloths or run pick up XYZ at the store or grab the rental chairs or bring me coffee while I'm swearing around a mouthful of bobby pins, I will love you forever.
We are currently in the stage of almost not having enough time to finish our centerpieces and other DIY projects, and I have had many, many people tell me that they want to help, but I haven't taken a single one of them up on the offer. I know exactly how I want everything to look, and I'm too much of a control freak to hand that off to someone else other than my FI. Luckily, he feels the same way.
Not every bride will accept your offer to help.
Last wedding I went to, I read over the programme before the ceremony started, and put it in my purse.
The next day I took it out, glanced over it again, and put it in the wastecan, at my home.
I would love to see the bride's rings, but I feel I would be intruding if I asked. Brides always seem to be kissing or dancing with their new hubbies, drinking with their friends or hugging their relatives.
Usually I am already on the dance floor! I'm the one requesting songs of the DJ that the bride probably doesn't want played!