nother day, nother drama

themuffinman16 · June 2014

Today was my bridal shower with my FIs family. I was having a hard time enjoying myself because I have been having questions about another bridesmaid. (FI's sister-in-law.) It seems like she has had a problem with me shortly after I asked her to be in the wedding party. FI has assured me over and over that everything is okay.

My sister threw me a shower a month ago, for our side of the family. My Fi's sisters were invited, and I wasn't too upset if they couldn't make it, as they were hosting a party for me, themselves. ( I know part attendance isn't mandatory). None of the sisters showed up, but one in particular was rude about it. She RSVPed yes, but then told FI's other sister that she had no intention of going a week before the shower. The day of my sister's shower for me, she cancelled and said she and her daughter were sick. (Awfully convenient when you know this a weeking advance).

Whatever. I tried not to get too upset about it, because I knew she was co-hosting the second shower. The day before the second shower, she told me she will make cupcakes, but she can't come to the shower that she is "hosting". I was really upset, because something did not seem right. FI called his other SIL (the other cohost) saying I was upset (I am really mad that he did that. I just needed to vent). The other SIL said that this no-show SIL said she could not attend the shower because her daughter had a soccer game, that day. You are co-hosting the party... wouldn't you make sure the date worked for you?

I have had a nagging suspicion, since this fall, that FI's SIL had a beef with me. One of his other SILs took me aside after the party and told me not to be upset. That this is just how "no-show SIL" is. I asked if there was something I did wrong, and if I had done anything to upset her that I could change. SHe said that this SIL was talking about me because I was never around for several years, and now I am around all of the time (for many years I lived on the opposite coast... for my JOB). Who gets mad about that? It might be disappointing that they aren't as close to me as they are with the other sister-in-laws, but I don't think that is any reason to harbor a grudge. And who the hell accepts being my bridesmaid if they carry this resentment towards me? I had no idea, otherwise I would not have asked her. Her ONLY job is to stand up for me and be happy for my FI and I, and she can't even do that. Several people missed my shower, due to work vacation, sick children, or other needs. And I missed them, but I understood. None of them missed my shower because of a grudge.

I am not going to kick her out of the wedding party, I will just mind my business and keep my eye on marrying my FI. Any resentment she has towards me, won't be that noticeable, on our wedding day. I do know that I will stop trying to be so nice to her. I will no longer make her cupcakes, muffins, lasagna, get her wine from a winery, or go out of my way to be her sister.. It is obvious she doesn't appreciate it. Thankfully, I am not having a bachelorette party ( I just could not imagine another party with more drama). I am having a post wedding bachelorette party ( so my pregnant bridesmaids can drink with us), and want to call it a ball and chain party, because we will all ready be married. Should I invite this bridesmaid to this party, or will it not be noticeable because it is after the wedding? Do I have a right to be upset? It is not like she missed because of work, or she missed because her kids were really sick. She missed the shower because she harbors resentment towards me, and did not want to attend. I had no idea she felt this way, until recently. What do I do?

MuppetOverlord · June 2014

I would be upset, but I would let it go. Firstly, everything you are hearing is third party/hearsay so you don't actually know what's going on with her. If she has some issue, you've offered to understand it and make it right....there's nothing more for you to do but be the person you normally would be from here. Your SIL says this is the type of person this one is. Some people are like that and wishy washy.

Since you like her enough to ask her to be in her wedding I would invite her, but I would assume she was probably not going to go and just be surprised if she actually appears. So if any money is involved, whoever is organizing it should collect in advance.

I have people in my life like this. I enjoy it when we are together, I appreciate the opportunity to build our relationship, but we invite them to things periodically and if they come, they come, if they don't -- we don't worry about it or consider it a reflection on us.

Good luck

ETA: I would be upset with your husband for telling her what you said to him in confidence. You should work our "rules" for that type of dialogue between the two of you. He might've said it to her innocently thinking he could get to the bottom of the issue for you but.... some things will need to stay between you in your marriage and he needs to understand the boundaries. I had to do this with my husband too

AddieCake · June 2014

I am sorry she is acting this way. You may have addressed this previously, but I can't always remember everyone's stories/situations, but why did you ask her to be in your wedding party in the first place? it doesn't sound like you have ever been close. I would not invite her to go out partying after the wedding, no. She doesn't like you, so there is no need to pretend to be friends with her after the wedding. Be cordial at family functions, and that's all.

chibiyui · June 2014

Everything muppet said. I wouldn't go out of my way to be nice to her, but I also wouldn't intentionally snub her. As far as the post wedding b-party, if it's just friends no one would notice, but if you invite other SIL's, it will be noticeable. And that would make it a snub, which would only add fuel to any resentment she has.

pinkshorts27 · June 2014

Oh I would totally go the "kill with kindness" route. It will give her less ammo to SIL in the future.

Also you should talk to FI about what is appropriate to share. My FI knows that he isn't to talk about my issues outside of or try to solve problems. So calling someone to talk about it, just stirs up drama and isn't helpful.

OnceUponAVine · June 2014

+1 to Muppet ... Invite her - if she shows Awesome! if not Oh Well!

phira · June 2014

I've got a future sister-in-law like this. She's unbelievably rude, uncaring, and unreasonable, and she's difficult to really catch in the act or deal with when you do catch her in the act. And everyone just says, "She's always been like this, it's nothing personal."

It's like a broken stair in a house you're moving into. You arrive and there's a stair that's broken. No one talks about it, but it's so broken that everyone knows about it and you can't step on it. But if you say something, everyone just says, "Yeah, we know it's broken, but we just step over it. Like this."

Often, this is necessary--you can't really "fix" people. And sometimes, the price to pay to leave people to the consequences of their actions is too high when the person is family. So while you and I and others are sitting outside, looking in, thinking, "Um, excuse me, this isn't acceptable behavior!" everyone else just says, "Look, she's not going to change, and this is how we're going to handle it."

So, my advice:

- Talk with your fiance. Not only does he need keep this kind of info to himself, but you need a plan for dealing with his sister-in-law. Maybe you need a hand signal or a code so that you can let him know when you're feeling angry or need to get away from her.

- Do not kill her with kindness. Don't be an asshole, but don't go out of your way for her. She has to earn that from you. Do not try to fix things. When people are nasty to you, you're not obligated to be nice to avoid rocking the boat.

- Do not be an asshole. Like you said, it's not worth kicking her out of the bridal party. Just let her do whatever and don't ask her for any favors. Now or ever, until she gets her head out of her ass. In my case, we're not asking her to do anything for the wedding; she'll be invited with her husband and that's it. I will not try to collaborate with her on anything (e.g. will never try to host anything with her). My partner knows these rules and is on board.

- I wouldn't worry about the post-wedding party until after the wedding. If you're inviting all the other siblings and in-laws, then invite her and make sure there's absolutely nothing she can fuck up by showing up or not showing up.

- Finally, you are not crazy or unreasonable. You're probably feeling crazy, like, "Am I the only one who notices this?" And yeah, knowing how my future sister-in-law is, I'm with you--it seems a little suspicious that she was sick on the day of your first shower, and suddenly had a conflict for the one she was hosting. I believe you entirely. Unfortunately, a list of all the shit she pulls isn't helpful in terms of actually DOING anything. There's no, "Aha! I knew you weren't sick! Now you get punished!" There's just the solace of knowing you're not crazy.

MairePoppy · June 2014

I had a SIL like that, too. She expected us to be at all her 'things' and then she'd skip out on ours or promise to do things and then 'forget.' Crazy, petty stuff like that. She passed away from ovarian cancer a few years ago and I miss her terribly. The one thing I regret is that I never called her on her bad behavior. I would recommend that at some point you ask your FSIL why she is treating you that way - maybe after the wedding.

If you're inviting your other SILs to the ball and chain party, invite the difficult one, too. If it's just your friends, you can skip her.

themuffinman16 · June 2014

To another poster, FI's SIL and I were fine, I got along with her pretty well up until the wedding. She was my second favorite of the sisters. But, since I have asked her to be in my wedding, she has been incredibly standoffish. She will show up for her birthday and get cards and gifts from everyone, and then my birthday comes and FI's and she does not get a card or a gift. She showed up for everyone's party except for mine.

I will just be nice to her, but I won't be overly nice to her. I will invite her to this party... she'll never come anyway. She might get jealous that I treat everyone else like they are sisters, and her as just a family member you see at a party. She might come around, or she might keep her distance. Either way, I have more than enough family members who love me. I do not have to be liked by everybody.

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