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Pre-wedding Parties

So...no one has offered to host a bridal shower

I am super bummed that no one has offered to throw me a bridal shower. I have several women friends I've meeting with every Saturday for 13 years--half my life--and they have done similar things for other group members (baby showers, etc.) but none have offered up. I'm very close with my parents and several of their friends who have known me since I was born and I have worked for in the past, etc. But none of them have offered. I thought I'd actually have to turn down someone's offer because so many of my friends (and my mom's friends) love to entertain--that's the common thread. Now 12 weeks before my wedding and silence. I'm having a hard time not feeling a little bruised by this. In my part of the country everyone has a bridal shower. My older sister had 3 or 4 (different friend groups). And my MOH is my sister so that's not proper etiquette. I also have another sister bridesmaid, a bridesmaid who's going to be out for Navy training a full month before the wedding, and one who's out of town. Right now I just need to figure out how not to take it so personally. My fiance and I had originally planned to get married last summer and decided to postpone. I wonder if that had a chilling effect on people. Maybe once the invitations are sent out it will be more real to people? My parents have a big annual Memorial Day barbecue so maybe I will talk about the wedding and one of the friends will feel ambitious. I was just looking forward to getting together with my favorite women in a smaller setting than the wedding.

Re: So...no one has offered to host a bridal shower

  • I understand your frustration as those closest to you 'should' throw you a party, especially if you threw one for them.  For that point-of-view I agree with you.  But unfortunately it is not required of anyone to throw you a shower.  My advice would be to talk to your sister's or your mother about your disappointment.  It is 3 months until your wedding.  People can have shower's really up until the week of the wedding.  Are you sure that there really is not a shower and it is just a surprise to you?  Most shower's are actually surprises.
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  • I don't know that there's not a shower planned but I find it doubtful.  My mom thinks that August still seems far away and that once the invitations go out the offers will come in.  I know no one is obligated and I really don't want to feel this way.  Just like my second mom/my mom's best fried my mom and I threw her daughter's wedding shower and really went all out.  Nothing out of her.
  • I don't know that there's not a shower planned but I find it doubtful.  My mom thinks that August still seems far away and that once the invitations go out the offers will come in.  I know no one is obligated and I really don't want to feel this way.  Just like my second mom/my mom's best fried my mom and I threw her daughter's wedding shower and really went all out.  Nothing out of her.
    I find it strange your mom has not offered and is choosing to wait.  I don't see how the offers for a shower will just happen once wedding invites go out.  Typically the shower happens before those invites go out.  Honestly ask your bridesmaids if you really want.  I know it's not really correct to ask for a shower but if you were expecting one based on the fact you threw one for someone else, asking might be an ok thing do here.
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  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Just throwing this out there, but where I am, showers are thrown a monthish before the wedding.
    image



    Anniversary
    lc07
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I understand why you feel disappointed, especially if everyone in your social group has had a shower. If you're close to your mom, you could talk to her about how you will miss not celebrating with your closest friends and relatives. I hope someone is planning a surprise for you.
                       
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Just hugs. Lots of hugs.
  • cupcait927cupcait927 Western NY wine country member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Hugs for you! If it makes you feel any better, no one has offered to throw me a shower yet and I highly doubt anyone will. I am a little bummed about it, as it sounds like you are as well. There is still time for someone to offer to throw you one and I hope they do!
  • My daughter thought she was not having a shower, but we did it as a surprise.  I have to admit it was hard to make her think we were not doing it, but the surprise was so much fun.
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I don't know that there's not a shower planned but I find it doubtful.  My mom thinks that August still seems far away and that once the invitations go out the offers will come in.  I know no one is obligated and I really don't want to feel this way.  Just like my second mom/my mom's best fried my mom and I threw her daughter's wedding shower and really went all out.  Nothing out of her.
    I find it strange your mom has not offered and is choosing to wait.  I don't see how the offers for a shower will just happen once wedding invites go out.  Typically the shower happens before those invites go out.  Honestly ask your bridesmaids if you really want.  I know it's not really correct to ask for a shower but if you were expecting one based on the fact you threw one for someone else, asking might be an ok thing do here.
    No, it's still not okay.



    lc07ashley8918
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    It's sad when no one reciprocates for you when you did it for them, but unfortunately there's no requirement that anyone do so.  Maybe someone is planning to surprise you though or will do it closer to your wedding.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    @bananasplit472001‌ It's definitely not ok to ask anyone for one, and her mom probably hasn't offered b/c etiquette wise that has been frowned upon in the past (and in some modern circles as well, depending on the stringent etiquette following of the people involved).

    I would be bummed, too, especially since they plan parties for others. I also agree with PP who said parties in her circle are usually a monthish out. That's the same for me as well. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Blue_BirdViczaesar
  • I think I confused everyone when I said that the woman who has always been like a "second mom" hasn't offered.

    I would not agree to my mom having the shower because it's poor etiquette (gift grab)

    Additionally, two of my bridesmaids are my sisters (including MOH) so there's an issue with the having it as well.

    I'm still hopeful but July (the month before my wedding) is really busy for so many people.  And I also think that even if they wanted to have it in July, they'd like to get planning and invitations out soon.

    I know that no one "has" to reciprocate and I know I *shouldn't* expect anything, however I have a hard time understanding why good friends who like to entertain and have done similar things for others in our friend group (and I for them) are choosing to remain silent.  It's just a hard pill to swallow.  I could care less about the gifts.  It really is the thought that counts.  And so far, I'm not on anyone's thoughts, apparently.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I think I confused everyone when I said that the woman who has always been like a "second mom" hasn't offered.

    I would not agree to my mom having the shower because it's poor etiquette (gift grab)

    Additionally, two of my bridesmaids are my sisters (including MOH) so there's an issue with the having it as well.

    I'm still hopeful but July (the month before my wedding) is really busy for so many people.  And I also think that even if they wanted to have it in July, they'd like to get planning and invitations out soon.

    I know that no one "has" to reciprocate and I know I *shouldn't* expect anything, however I have a hard time understanding why good friends who like to entertain and have done similar things for others in our friend group (and I for them) are choosing to remain silent.  It's just a hard pill to swallow.  I could care less about the gifts.  It really is the thought that counts.  And so far, I'm not on anyone's thoughts, apparently.
    These are not seen as issues or gift grabby anymore.  In today's world a lot of Mom's and sisters host/co-host the shower for the bride and no one thinks twice about it.

    It is fine to feel a bit down about this but the bolded, seriously?  You will just need to get over the fact that you may not get a shower.  It is not the end of the world and that does not mean people don't care about you or aren't thinking about you.  The wedding is really the only important part of this whole thing so just concentrate on that.

    ashley8918
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Every shower that I've attended over the last 20 years was hosted by the MOB, MOG or other close family member. Sometimes the bms are the official hosts, but the mother (s) contribute substantially, by providing the food or $$. We don't want to burden the wedding party with the expense of a shower, when they're already paying for new dresses and their travel arrangements.

    Back in the day when women lived with their parents until they married it was her family's responsibility to provide the essentials to set up a home. It would have been a serious etiquette breech to shirk their duties as the bride's family. 
                       
  • Allow me to take these one by one. First, my parents are paying for everything, including the bridesmaids dresses. So there shouldn't be much of a burden on them now aside from showing up, which, I'd imagine any friend would gladly do once they've accepted being a bridesmaid. Secondly I do live with my parents and they have helped to set up the home. While the etiquette has relaxed, as noted by Emily Post, back in the day it was considered particularly poor form for a family member to host the shower. And finally, yes, I do feel wounded. In our circle this is how it's done, and whether they have inadvertently dropped the ball or just gotten busy with other things in life--I have been there for them for 13 years (in the case of my closest girlfriends, more in the case of my mother's pals) and there is nothing else to describe this aside from "thoughtless." It may not be intentional or malicious, but it sure is hurtful.
  • Because I'm not having a bach party, I hope someone throws me a bridal shower.  That said, I wouldn't feel comfortable asking someone to host one for me.
  • Awww...I would feel sad too if no one offered to throw a shower for me. Of course it's not okay to feel entitled to one and the wedding is what really counts, but come on - we're all human here!

    With that said, I think the best thing you can do is try to focus on how fun your wedding will be and try not to take it personally - as hard as that is. Like a previous poster said - hugs.
  • Update to say I have two showers planned!  Yay!  Maybe it was the heavy wedding talking, maybe it's the getting closer to the date, maybe it's the invitations in the mail, but both my close group of friends and one of my mom's friends have offered to throw me showers.  I feel very happy and thankful.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Well, there ya go!
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • tammym1001tammym1001 Akron, Ohio member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'm glad it worked out for you. Some people just don't plan that far ahead so I was hoping that once your wedding got closer someone would plan something for you :)
    image
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