Uninvited kid at destination wedding

msuprincess04 · June 2014

We had a destination wedding a few weeks ago and made it clear to our guests that children were not invited to the ceremony or reception. Many friends did not attend for that reason, and one friend went so far as to pay for another family memeber to join them on their vacation for two days to help with her little one. We respect everyone's decisions and were happy to celebrate with those that could make it. Knowing children were not invited, DH's aunt brought his 7yo cousin anyway. She stated that her babysitter at the hotel cancelled last minute and her and her husband didn't want to miss the event. This ended up causing a rift between us and those who went out of their way so that their children would not be there (though I have since appologized and explained the situation). DH is really upset. He wants to sit and talk to his aunt about how disappointed he is. I keep trying to tell him that this is one of those things he needs to just get over. What's done, is done. Am I doing the right thing, or should he confront his aunt?

AddieCake · June 2014

I would be fuming and WANT to talk to her, but I would probably just let it go. Like you said, it's already done. However, I feel like something does need to be said as a reminder to her that "If we say your child is not invited, your child is not invited" so that she doesn't try to pull this shit in the future. Ugh. I honestly don't know what I would do. Have a hug!

Maggie0829 · June 2014

I'm with Addie. I would want to talk to her but I would also just want to let it go because what is done is done. But since it is your H's Aunt I would leave it up to him as to what he would like to do.

QueerFemme · June 2014

I think if it were me, I would probably say something. But, I'm a little on the confrontational side.

sarahufl · June 2014

I would say something to make sure it didn't happen again. But you are right, it is over now.

That is rude.

HisGirlFriday13 · June 2014

It's a cost-benefit question. Is the potential cost (a rift with the aunt and possible family drama) worth the benefit of airing your grievances and telling the aunt how rude she was?

Only you and your DH can answer that. Obviously the aunt was rude, but it's a rudeness that's unlikely to be repeated. You won't have another DW, although you might have other adults-only events.

msuprincess04 · June 2014

Honestly, yes. DH and I had an agreement walking into this, that no exceptions means no exceptions. We respect that they traveled far, but either her or her husband, or both could have chosen not to attend the wedding or reception to watch their child at the hotel. We had other children travel with their parents, and those parents made arraingments for that evening.

I think it's worth preserving the peace to let it go. We don't see his family often as it is, so I'd hate what time we have together to become awkward. But, you are right. At the end, it's up to him to decide if he'd like to confront her or not.

annathy03 · June 2014

I probably wouldn't say anything, but I'd be really tempted to and would leave it up to your H.

On the one hand what's done is done, but on the other she should understand it isn't just that her kid was there, it's that it makes you guys look like asses to everyone who didn't bring their children b/c most guests don't assume someone else at a wedding wasn't invited.

And while if she'd called before you may not have been able to do anything, you may have known another couple with a babysitter that would have been willing to take on an extra 7 y/o. It may not have made a difference, but it's possible something would have worked out that she didn't have to bring him or miss the event.

Jen4948 · June 2014

I don't blame your DH for being upset about having to entertain a 7 year old when you'd told other relatives and friends "no" and they'd declined your invitation. But I don't see what good getting "confrontational" with his aunt would do now. Certainly he could say something to her along the lines of "Aunt, if we extend an invitation to you in the future that doesn't include your child, we need you to understand that it's not okay to bring the child. At our wedding, when you did this, it caused a rift between us and other guests who were told not to bring their children; plus, we had to go out of our way on our wedding day to make sure your child could be accommodated. We're not okay with this happening again." But there is no guarantee that she'll respect this, now or in the future, without getting defensive and hostile, so you and your DH will have to decide if you're okay with the effects this could have on your relationship. Your only other course of action might be to not extend invitations to this aunt anymore, and again, that could have negative effects on your relationship that you'll have to decide are worth incurring.

Uninvited kid at destination wedding

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