Does anyone else feel like there's a lot of lying in wedding planning?

afaber24 · June 2014

Why do I feel like I've been lying so much since wedding planning started? Well not necessarily lying, but omitting information or speaking in 1/2 truths.

Example 1: Can my kids come to your wedding?

1/2 truth: Oh I'm sorry we're limited by space and $$ and can't accommodate kids.

Whole truth: We have the space, but we'd prefer to not spend $15 on a kids meal and have to listen to your Tasmanian Devil of a child all night.

Example 2: Can I play bag pipes for you during your ceremony? It'll be my gift to you!

1/2 truth: Shoot! That would be great, but the church won't allow outside musicians.

Whole truth: No, we don't want that kind of music. We'd rather pay a cellist.

Example 3: Can I come to your wedding?

1/2 truth: We're still working on the guest list. Have you tried the bean dip?

Whole truth: Absolutely not! You're the worst and I barely know you.

And I keep feeling like everything people tell me is not the whole truth either. From what I've read here everyone just wants to be agreeable to the brides face and then talks bad about her behind her back.

Example:

Me to Bridesmaids - If you would like to get your hair and makeup done at the salon please let me know. It will be $X. Totally optional. If you'd rather do your own that is totally fine.

Bridesmaids to me - Sure! Whatever you'd like! Put me down for hair and make up.

Wait, what? Do you really want it done or not? I'm not requiring it by any means, just offering if you'd like it.

I'm not a fan of all the 1/2 truths. Anyone else feeling this way?

AddieCake · June 2014

They are harmless white lies. If it's bothering you, you could always be 100% honest and risk upsetting people.

kitty8403 · June 2014

afaber24 said:
Why do I feel like I've been lying so much since wedding planning started? Well not necessarily lying, but omitting information or speaking in 1/2 truths.

Example 1: Can my kids come to your wedding?
1/2 truth: Oh I'm sorry we're limited by space and $$ and can't accommodate kids.
Whole truth: We have the space, but we'd prefer to not spend $15 on a kids meal and have to listen to your Tasmanian Devil of a child all night.

Example 2: Can I play bag pipes for you during your ceremony? It'll be my gift to you!
1/2 truth: Shoot! That would be great, but the church won't allow outside musicians.
Whole truth: No, we don't want that kind of music. We'd rather pay a cellist.

Example 3: Can I come to your wedding?
1/2 truth: We're still working on the guest list. Have you tried the bean dip?
Whole truth: Absolutely not! You're the worst and I barely know you.

And I keep feeling like everything people tell me is not the whole truth either. From what I've read here everyone just wants to be agreeable to the brides face and then talks bad about her behind her back.

Example:
Me to Bridesmaids - If you would like to get your hair and makeup done at the salon please let me know. It will be $X. Totally optional. If you'd rather do your own that is totally fine.
Bridesmaids to me - Sure! Whatever you'd like! Put me down for hair and make up.

Wait, what? Do you really want it done or not? I'm not requiring it by any means, just offering if you'd like it.

I'm not a fan of all the 1/2 truths. Anyone else feeling this way?

I'm not so sure about the first couple examples--they come off as you being more deceptive than necessary to me. I get the feeling, though--it is odd how society considers it impolite to directly tell someone, "No, I don't plan to invite you/your kids/your random buddy," or "no, I don't like X" (assuming the latter is a guest and not a vendor).

kitty8403 · June 2014

Incidentally, the bagpipes thing actually did come up for us. I simply said we had someone else in mind for music--which was true.

ladyamanuet · June 2014

I can understand lying about space when you are having a kid free wedding. People can't really argue with space. When you tell them it's just kid free, it often makes people think they can then argue to bring their kid "oh well he's just precious, and won't it be cute" and blah blah blah. So I think the space thing is a nicer way of saying it, if you have the type of crowd that would be offended if you said "kids are not invited" when they asked.

And I also get saying "oh we've already hired a cellist, but thanks!" instead of telling a friend their bagpipes sound like a whale and a cat mating....

pinkcow13 · June 2014

Lmao, the bagpipes thing reminded me of the episode of Friends where Ross wanted to play bagpipes for Monica and Chandler. And Monica was like " Why does you family have to be Scottish?" And he responds "Why does your family have to be Ross?!"

I do feel that for certain things we do speak in half lies, or little white lies. The kids thing was surprisingly easy for us, we just said "No." When people who we don't plan on inviting to the wedding ask or just ask about the wedding itself, we bean dip.

sofakingmad · June 2014

AddieCake said:

They are harmless white lies. If it's bothering you, you could always be 100% honest and risk upsetting people.

This.

You are trying to spare people's feelings, but you definitely do not have to do that.

tcnoble · June 2014

I absolutely despise the "Whatever you want!!" response when I really just asked what YOU want and I really mean what do YOU want.

HisGirlFriday13 · June 2014

I agree with PPs that you're probably being more deceptive than necessary with the cellist (and, btw, if you actually used that line, you'll probably get caught out in it when they arrive and see the cellist.)

But I also feel like wedding planning brings out the worst in people in terms of expectations -- people think that weddings are events where it's OK to ask for an invite, even though they wouldn't do that for other events, or they assume their kids are invited even though they're not.

tammym1001 · June 2014

I did my best not to lie to people about the wedding which caused me some serious grief with the guest list. We invited 35 people and none of it had to do with space or money so people kept trying to get themselves invited. I just kept repeating the truth though, which was we just wanted to have a small wedding.

I did feel like people were lying to me though. Everyone just kept agreeing with everyone I said and everything I wanted to do. It did get a little frustrating because even when I was asking for genuine opinions all I would get was "yes whatever you want to do or whatever you think is great".

NYCMercedes · June 2014

pinkcow13 said:

Lmao, the bagpipes thing reminded me of the episode of Friends where Ross wanted to play bagpipes for Monica and Chandler. And Monica was like " Why does you family have to be Scottish?" And he responds "Why does your family have to be Ross?!"

I do feel that for certain things we do speak in half lies, or little white lies. The kids thing was surprisingly easy for us, we just said "No." When people who we don't plan on inviting to the wedding ask or just ask about the wedding itself, we bean dip.

This was a Friend's episode? What else happened on that one? For sure I never missed any.

ladyamanuet · June 2014

NYCMercedes said:

pinkcow13 said:

Lmao, the bagpipes thing reminded me of the episode of Friends where Ross wanted to play bagpipes for Monica and Chandler. And Monica was like " Why does you family have to be Scottish?" And he responds "Why does your family have to be Ross?!"

I do feel that for certain things we do speak in half lies, or little white lies. The kids thing was surprisingly easy for us, we just said "No." When people who we don't plan on inviting to the wedding ask or just ask about the wedding itself, we bean dip.

This was a Friend's episode? What else happened on that one? For sure I never missed any.

They can hear him rehearsing in his apartment across the way. It is like a dying cat wailing "Celebration". It's "the One with Joey's New Brain" - with Susan Sarandon.

sarahonlife · June 2014

This is something that's helped by having a small wedding! I can tell the whole truth "sorry, we're only having 20 people".

afaber24 · June 2014

The "whatever you want" response is the most infuriating. No, I'm asking what YOU want. It's your hair do you want it done by someone else or not? When choosing dresses I asked the bridesmaids, which do you like better? A or B? and I got "Whatever you want". Its making me feel like I'm forcing my choices on them and then they'll say "Oh she forced us to get our hair and make up done". When I'm not forcing it at all.

It seems like they're just used to brides being super bossy and demanding everything, so when I'm actually cool with their decision they don't know how to handle it. One BM keeps asking me how she's supposed to do her nails. I've told her 3 times...whatever you want!

perdonami · June 2014

Well, your half truth about the child free reception is a lot better than my blunt response: "I am sorry, I just don't care for children."

Of course, I only say that to my close friends who have no children of their own. To other guests with kids I just explain its an adult reception and there will only be (2) children present, the ring bearer and the flower girl which are FI's niece and nephew.

CMGragain · June 2014

Have you ever been on a cruise ship? There is a large sign in the employees' area that reminds all ships personnel "Never say NO to a guest!" They are trained to say, "I will try to find out for you," or "That will be very difficult." They are often placed in difficult positions because of thoughtless passengers. It isn't much different than planning a wedding.
When we planned daughter's wedding, I told her to let me be the bad guy. If someone said, "I want to bring weed to your wedding," she would say, "Oh, my Mom wouldn't allow that! She might call the police!"
I am sympathetic with the cruise staff. I once saw a crewmember struggling with two unruly children who were hanging onto his legs, demanding that he stop what he was doing and play with them. I put on my teacher voice. "What ARE you doing? Where are your parents? Do they know that you are bothering this nice young man? What cabin are they in?" Those kids froze. "Now you apologize to this nice man right now!" They did, and then disappeared. "Thank you!" the poor guy whispered.

offensivekitten2 · June 2014

White lies are a microscopic price to pay in the wedding planning process. Hang in there, OP. The stupidity will crest about a month before, and you are almost home free at that point.

weddingmcgee · June 2014

I wish I had either been more assertive or told little "white lies" in the early stages of wedding planning. Because I did neither of those things, I now have an extra 20 or so wedding guests (we went from about 25 to between 45 and 50), kids will be at the wedding, which I originally was against but was bullied into it. I wish I had spoken up and I wish I had stood my ground. Now, I do find myself telling 1/2 lies by omitting some information or white lies to get out of awkward situations. Wedding planning can be hard socially- there are definitely feelings to consider. Just make sure the little fibs don't come back to bit you in the butt when someone finds out the truth.

themuffinman16 · June 2014

So far, I have had 3 people rsvp with a guest that I did not give those people. One person said they will drink for two since I did not give them a guest. And my step-mother while I love her dearly, wants to sing at my wedding. She wants to sing a song I absolutely HATE (Marry You by Bruno Mars). I hate trendy music. In my opinion, wedding music should be timeless, so when you hear it years from now, you will be able to dance to it, at other people's wedding, and be reminded of your wedding. I do not like the here today, gone tomorrow song, that no one will remember in 5 years.

Secondly, my mom has been competing with my step-mom to a ridiculous level since my step-mom married my dad. I always have to be careful not to let my step-mom upstage my mother. To the point I was losing sleep if my step-mom picked a fancier dress than my mother (I never said anything, I just crossed my fingers that I wouldn't have to deal with that). But I don't know what to do to have my step-mom not sing to me, as I am sure my mother will throw a fit, at the wedding. what little lie should I tell to make my step-mom not hurt... a) I hate that song b) I don't need to diffuse a situation on my wedding day.

TheGrimReaper · June 2014

I wish someone had offered to play the bagpipes at my wedding.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

themuffinman16 said:

So far, I have had 3 people rsvp with a guest that I did not give those people. One person said they will drink for two since I did not give them a guest. And my step-mother while I love her dearly, wants to sing at my wedding. She wants to sing a song I absolutely HATE (Marry You by Bruno Mars). I hate trendy music. In my opinion, wedding music should be timeless, so when you hear it years from now, you will be able to dance to it, at other people's wedding, and be reminded of your wedding. I do not like the here today, gone tomorrow song, that no one will remember in 5 years.
Secondly, my mom has been competing with my step-mom to a ridiculous level since my step-mom married my dad. I always have to be careful not to let my step-mom upstage my mother. To the point I was losing sleep if my step-mom picked a fancier dress than my mother (I never said anything, I just crossed my fingers that I wouldn't have to deal with that). But I don't know what to do to have my step-mom not sing to me, as I am sure my mother will throw a fit, at the wedding. what little lie should I tell to make my step-mom not hurt... a) I hate that song b) I don't need to diffuse a situation on my wedding day.

"StepMom, it's sweet that you want to sing at the wedding, but we're going to have to decline the offer. Honestly, it would upset Mom, and I would rather not be worried about that at the wedding. But it's touching that you offered."

Just be honest. If you tell her you don't like the song, she'll just pick a new one.

Marzipan13 · June 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said: I agree with PPs that you're probably being more deceptive than necessary with the cellist (and, btw, if you actually used that line, you'll probably get caught out in it when they arrive and see the cellist.) But I also feel like wedding planning brings out the worst in people in terms of expectations -- people think that weddings are events where it's OK to ask for an invite, even though they wouldn't do that for other events, or they assume their kids are invited even though they're not.

------------------------------etf: TK ate the boxes---------------------------------------------------- ^ This. I can use both hands and feet AND FI's hands and feet to count the number of acquaintances and high school "friends" that have come out of the woodwork because we're getting married. GIVE ME STRENGTH.

Inkdancer · June 2014

I haven't done any lying but I have done a lot of not talking to people about things. It's better that way.

ETA: I mean it's better for my sanity. Not saying that white lies or carefully worded responses are bad.

djfivenine · June 2014

themuffinman16 said:

So far, I have had 3 people rsvp with a guest that I did not give those people. One person said they will drink for two since I did not give them a guest. And my step-mother while I love her dearly, wants to sing at my wedding. She wants to sing a song I absolutely HATE (Marry You by Bruno Mars). I hate trendy music. In my opinion, wedding music should be timeless, so when you hear it years from now, you will be able to dance to it, at other people's wedding, and be reminded of your wedding. I do not like the here today, gone tomorrow song, that no one will remember in 5 years.
Secondly, my mom has been competing with my step-mom to a ridiculous level since my step-mom married my dad. I always have to be careful not to let my step-mom upstage my mother. To the point I was losing sleep if my step-mom picked a fancier dress than my mother (I never said anything, I just crossed my fingers that I wouldn't have to deal with that). But I don't know what to do to have my step-mom not sing to me, as I am sure my mother will throw a fit, at the wedding. what little lie should I tell to make my step-mom not hurt... a) I hate that song b) I don't need to diffuse a situation on my wedding day.

HOW is "Marry You" by Bruno Mars considered an appropriate wedding song? Do people not listen to lyrics these days??!?

It's a beautiful night,
We're looking for something dumb to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.
....
If we wake up and you wanna break up that's cool.
No, I won't blame you;
It was fun, girl.

I mean yeah, it's a catchy pop song, but I'd hate for people to refer to my wedding/new marriage as "something dumb to do."

wabanzi · June 2014

afaber24 said:

The "whatever you want" response is the most infuriating. No, I'm asking what YOU want. It's your hair do you want it done by someone else or not? When choosing dresses I asked the bridesmaids, which do you like better? A or B? and I got "Whatever you want". Its making me feel like I'm forcing my choices on them and then they'll say "Oh she forced us to get our hair and make up done". When I'm not forcing it at all.

It seems like they're just used to brides being super bossy and demanding everything, so when I'm actually cool with their decision they don't know how to handle it. One BM keeps asking me how she's supposed to do her nails. I've told her 3 times...whatever you want!

I'm jumping on this venting bandwagon.

I only have two matrons, my FI sister (who is awesome) and my sister-in-law (my brother's wife). My now sister-in-law has kind of driven me crazy. I told her she could wear what ever dress she wants (I would give her a gift card) or she could wear this BM dress I found on a killer sale that I paid for (it was only $25 marked down from $150, so I just paid for it after I checked with her about size/liking it).

Since I was making the jewelry for both to wear, I asked her if she could let me know which/what dress she was going to choose by April 30th (that gave her 6 months to decide). I had to keep asking her after the deadline about the dress and she would only respond "which ever dress you would like me to wear." No, no, no. Which/what dress would YOU like to wear? Would you rather wear your own jewelry? I don't have to make it for you (and if I do, you don't have to wear it). Response: "Whatever jewelry you want me to wear." Well, I can't make jewelry to match your gown if I don't know the gown…

And, about 8 months ago I made an appointment at a spa for me and my two matrons for massages, facials, mani/pedis (at my expense of course). Both are out of town and have to travel, so I let them know the date (Thursday night for a Saturday wedding) & that it was changeable up to 4 weeks prior to the wedding. I also booked hair and makeup for the three of us that morning (also for my FMiL and Aunt). Again, I am paying for it all, but am not requiring any kind of hair style, makeup, or that they even use professional services. It is their hair and face--they decide what they want to do with it.

I called her, texted her, emailed her, FB messaged her, asked in person over Christmas and when she was in town a month ago (about 8 times during a 6-month period). Do you want to have your hair and make up done (at my expense) or would you prefer to do it yourself? Do you want to join us in the spa (at my expense) or would you rather skip some/all of the services.

Each time her response: "Well maybe, whatever you want."

The payment was due last Friday so I finally got this response from her: "I will be where ever you want me. If you need me to get my hair done (etc.) I will."

Honestly, I don't know how I could have been clearer (I looked over all my messages that were clear, and my other matron gets it). These were to be perks/semi treats for being in the wedding party. I don't care if she wants her hair done professionally or not, and I am certainly not requiring facials and massages. I was just trying to do something nice. Damn.

The only thing I have asked is for her to show up at the wedding in some kind of clothing (that I would buy if she would just choose it) and stand up with me.

Vent over.

beethery · June 2014

themuffinman16 said:

So far, I have had 3 people rsvp with a guest that I did not give those people. One person said they will drink for two since I did not give them a guest. And my step-mother while I love her dearly, wants to sing at my wedding. She wants to sing a song I absolutely HATE (Marry You by Bruno Mars). I hate trendy music. In my opinion, wedding music should be timeless, so when you hear it years from now, you will be able to dance to it, at other people's wedding, and be reminded of your wedding. I do not like the here today, gone tomorrow song, that no one will remember in 5 years.
Secondly, my mom has been competing with my step-mom to a ridiculous level since my step-mom married my dad. I always have to be careful not to let my step-mom upstage my mother. To the point I was losing sleep if my step-mom picked a fancier dress than my mother (I never said anything, I just crossed my fingers that I wouldn't have to deal with that). But I don't know what to do to have my step-mom not sing to me, as I am sure my mother will throw a fit, at the wedding. what little lie should I tell to make my step-mom not hurt... a) I hate that song b) I don't need to diffuse a situation on my wedding day.

First off the drinking for two because you're not letting me pick my guest shit is so fucking beyond rude. WETV would have to do a special new episode of Bridezillas in conjunction with the local news station and COPS for my crazy ass if someone started that shit. It would involve a car chase and other violent outburst. Holy BALLS. WHO FUCKING DOES THAT?!?!?!?!?!

Second, I get embarrassed when people sing at events if they are not a professional singer. I don't know why, but I get very flustered and weird about it. I especially can't imagine if someone sang THAT FUCKING SONG at my wedding/reception.

Lady, this is not an on-the-fly decision and I SHO THE HELL DON'T THINK IT'S SOMETHING DUMB so please for the love of baby Jesus, Hari Krishna, Santa Claus, and The Great Pumpkin, please do not play or sing that fucking song at my wedding.

I heard it at a couple receptions last year and had a real moment of, "Is this shit really happening? Are y'all for real????" in my head for a second when I heard it. One in particular was when the newly married couple was announced to their guests as the new Mr. and Mrs. BlahBlah with THAT SONG as their walk-in music.

My mom used to sing in a band, and if she decided she wanted to sing at our reception I would risk pissing her off because I would be extremely uncomfortable no matter what she sang. She could sing Endless Love or any other moderately appropriate-at-a-wedding-song and I'd still be cringing. I have no idea what to tell you besides run awaaaaayyyyyyyyyy because that's what I'd do.

afaber24 · June 2014

wabanzi

That is really ridiculous! You are being super generous to offer all of that, plus buying the dress! That is awesome that you're able to offer them so much. Don't they realize that the "whatever you want" response is not at all helpful. If I'm asking your opinion please just give me an answer!

And why can't people use the "whatever you want" in regards to the guest list? I haven't once heard "whatever you want" when people have been asking to bring their kids, sisters, neighbors, dogs, gold fish, ect. I say no and they say "Obviously you hate kids"

wabanzi · June 2014

afaber24 said:

wabanzi
That is really ridiculous! You are being super generous to offer all of that, plus buying the dress! That is awesome that you're able to offer them so much. Don't they realize that the "whatever you want" response is not at all helpful. If I'm asking your opinion please just give me an answer!

And why can't people use the "whatever you want" in regards to the guest list? I haven't once heard "whatever you want" when people have been asking to bring their kids, sisters, neighbors, dogs, gold fish, ect. I say no and they say "Obviously you hate kids"

To the bolded: Excellent Point!

Does anyone else feel like there's a lot of lying in wedding planning?

Re: Does anyone else feel like there's a lot of lying in wedding planning?

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