Bridal Shower hosts committed faux pas :/

fireytiger · April 2011

I just found out that my BMs invited people to my bridal shower who aren't invited to my wedding. I kinda had a feeling this was gonna happen if my BMs planned my bridal shower, but I had hoped that if I gave them a list of just the people I wanted invited (read: just people invited to the wedding as well) that that would suffice in preventing them from inviting people who aren't coming to the wedding. Guess not.

The people who were invited to the shower and not the wedding are all people that I know, we're friends but I'd never really hang out with those people, I just know them socially and chitchat with them some, friends on facebook, etc. We couldn't afford to invite everyone to our wedding though, and we wanted a small wedding with about 50 or so of our absolute closest family and friends. So as everyone on these forums know, you can't invite everybody to the wedding, a line has to be drawn somewhere. These ladies didn't make the cut.

But the invites for the bridal shower are already out, and I know at least 4 or 5 people they invited who aren't on my wedding guest list. I'm worried that people are gonna be like "hmph, that bride is so rude to ask us to buy her stuff for a shower but not invite us to celebrate her nuptials." But I didn't invite them, my BMs did! And I don't want to seem ungrateful because they didn't have to throw the shower at all. And obviously it's too late to tell these people "oh no, you weren't actually supposed to be invited to the shower" because that would look even worse. I just don't even know how to handle this...

banana468 · April 2011

Tell your BMs that they did put you in an awkward position by doing this. And now it's time to work on your surprised face.

fireytiger · April 2011

Ok, first step done, and they don't understand why that's a bad thing, because they seem to think that the etiquette of bridal showers is "You can invite anyone you want, because people understand that weddings are expensive and you can't invite everyone to that." I told them that's not the case and they still think it is, so that didn't work lol. But I will definitely work on my surprised face, thanks banana.

Hellokatie0517 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bridal-shower-hosts-committed-faux-pas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:4f4bb039-7594-4d63-9599-f5c148d5ec9ePost:21dfd3c3-d872-4481-903d-0062ac1bbe35">Re: Bridal Shower hosts committed faux pas :/</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, first step done, and <strong>they don't understand why that's a bad thing, because they seem to think that the etiquette of bridal showers is "You can invite anyone you want, because people understand that weddings are expensive and you can't invite everyone to that."</strong> I told them that's not the case and they still think it is, so that didn't work lol. But I will definitely work on my surprised face, thanks banana. :)
Posted by fireytiger[/QUOTE]

I take it that none of them are married, been married, or are currently planning a wedding. Luckily, you know what's right. Sounds like they're gonna need a lot of help from you when it's their turn.

LoveMuffins · April 2011

I'd probably tell them that I feel awkward because people are going to think I'm only inviting them in order to get a gift from them - since the shower centers around giving me gifts - and that seems incredibly rude since they're getting nothing in return from me - ie. dinner at the reception. Maybe that will make them realize?

And yeah, unfortunately there's nothing you can do. Maybe in the thank-you cards tell them that you didn't know they were going to be there but were happy that they could make it, and hopefully they'll realize that you're not the cause of the faux-pas

fireytiger · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bridal-shower-hosts-committed-faux-pas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:4f4bb039-7594-4d63-9599-f5c148d5ec9ePost:db165ea4-fd59-49a3-a9f3-443b5acaba6a">Re: Bridal Shower hosts committed faux pas :/</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridal Shower hosts committed faux pas :/ : I take it that none of them are married, been married, or are currently planning a wedding. Luckily, you know what's right. Sounds like they're gonna need a lot of help from you when it's their turn.
Posted by Hellokatie0517[/QUOTE]

Surprisingly just the exact opposite is true. The one in charge got married last May, and the other one is planning her wedding for this September. They both think that there's nothing wrong with inviting people to a bridal shower even if they aren't invited to the wedding, no matter how I explain it to them. I guess i'm arguing for a lost cause here, they're not going to listen to me on it. I'll just go with the flow and see what happens from there. Maybe I'll just do what was suggested and make mention that I didn't know they were going to be there in the thank you cards or something.

disturbedkitty · April 2011

This happened with one of the shower guests. My FSIL accidentally invited someone to the bridal shower who she thought was invited to the wedding, but wasn't (AFTER I sent the wedding invites out). Because I had extra invitations, I quickly asked my FSIL for her friend's address and sent them out a wedding invite as soon as I could. When I went with my FSIL to meet her friend, I apologized in person for the delay with the wedding invitation.

Is this possible for you? You have two months until your wedding. Have you sent out invites yet? If you have, you could still get away with sending an invitation late (I would apologize to them for the delay, though). If it is only a small handful of people, ask your BMs for the unexpected guest's addresses. I know that it sucks that your BMs invited these people, but you really should invite them to the wedding. It will be really awkward if your shower guests ask you about wedding day details and some of those guests realize they weren't invited. Good luck.

fireytiger · April 2011

Yeah, unfortunately that's not really an option...

We're really tight in our budget so we can't afford any extra guests (we can barely afford the ones we have), and I only had ONE extra invite after mailing them all out, which I wanted to keep for sentimental purposes. It's already glued into a scrapbook so there's not really any hope there.

Also, we really only picked out nearest and dearest to join us at our wedding, mostly family and a few really close friends, and I want to keep it that way. FI and I are really close knit to everyone who was invited to the wedding, and that's all the people we really wanted and could afford. As for the ones who are invited to the shower but not the wedding, I barely know them. I used to work with them in a giant 800 person call center, we'd run into each other in the halls or lunchroom and say hi, chitchat for a few moments, etc. but I left that job a couple months ago, and so now I literally NEVER see these people. Even if I did, they're not really people that I would go and hang out with.

Oh, and just an update, as I was typing this I found out my BMs have made it just a little bit worse. After talking to them about how awkward it is for them to invite people to the shower who aren't invited to the wedding, and them not getting it, they decided to talk to these people. My BMs asked them "So yeah, hypothetically, if someone invited you to a bridal shower but you weren't invited to the actual wedding, would you be offended by that?" and when they said not really, my BMs said "Oh good, because we found out from A that she didn't actually invite you to the wedding and she was worried you'd be offended by that, so we'll let her know that it's okay with you!" UGH. I guess that's good that they wouldn't be offended by that faux pas, but OMG what a way to find that out! I'm about to lose my mind...

disturbedkitty · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bridal-shower-hosts-committed-faux-pas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:4f4bb039-7594-4d63-9599-f5c148d5ec9ePost:d0e61800-a228-4056-a384-cc1aa748db79">Re: Bridal Shower hosts committed faux pas :/</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, unfortunately that's not really an option... :/ We're really tight in our budget so we can't afford any extra guests (we can barely afford the ones we have), and I only had ONE extra invite after mailing them all out, which I wanted to keep for sentimental purposes. It's already glued into a scrapbook so there's not really any hope there. Also, we really only picked out nearest and dearest to join us at our wedding, mostly family and a few really close friends, and I want to keep it that way. FI and I are really close knit to everyone who was invited to the wedding, and that's all the people we really wanted and could afford. As for the ones who are invited to the shower but not the wedding, I barely know them. I used to work with them in a giant 800 person call center, we'd run into each other in the halls or lunchroom and say hi, chitchat for a few moments, etc. but I left that job a couple months ago, and so now I literally NEVER see these people. Even if I did, they're not really people that I would go and hang out with. Oh, and just an update, as I was typing this I found out my BMs have made it just a little bit worse. After talking to them about how awkward it is for them to invite people to the shower who aren't invited to the wedding, and them not getting it, they decided to talk to these people. My BMs asked them "So yeah, hypothetically, if someone invited you to a bridal shower but you weren't invited to the actual wedding, would you be offended by that?" and when they said not really, my BMs said "Oh good, because we found out from A that she didn't actually invite you to the wedding and she was worried you'd be offended by that, so we'll let her know that it's okay with you!" UGH. I guess that's good that they wouldn't be offended by that faux pas, but OMG what a way to find that out! I'm about to lose my mind...
Posted by fireytiger[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I am so sorry! That is an awful situation. I don't really have any advice other than to just go with it. There really isn't much else you can do.

</div>

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