Would you?

hlvonb · June 2014

Would you marry someone you didn't know if you trusted or not? (Not me. Situation with a friend. Something happened with her and her FI and now she is not sure if she does or can trust him.)

CMGragain · June 2014

Trust and commitment is WHY I married DH!

hlvonb · June 2014

@CMGragain

I would say no too. The situation is this: My friend has been engaged to her FI for 3 out of the 8 years they've been together. She has always trusted him without a doubt and then something happened and now she's not sure if she does or can trust him yet she is still going through with the wedding because she doesn't want to "waste" the money spent.

QueerFemme · June 2014

I think it depends on the reason she doesn't trust him now.

KytchynWitche · June 2014

A relationship in which one party does not trust the other cannot last. If she goes through with this wedding, she is setting herself up for disaster.

Please tell your friend to postpone until after they have had counselling or have worked through whatever it is, and she trusts her FI again. If she finds that she can't trust him again, then she shouldn't be with him. It really is THAT simple.

If she's insisting on going through with it because she doesn't want to lose the money, point out to her how much more money she's going to lose if (but more likely when) the marriage goes bad and they divorce.

hlvonb · June 2014

@QueerFemme

From what I understand:

They share a computer and she went to use it after work. She opened Facebook and her FI's Facebook was open and she saw he commented on another girl's status. This girl is one she hadn't heard of before. She asked him about it and he said it was someone who he used to work with at one of his jobs he had in High School.

Now she's not sure if she can trust him because it's not like him to comment on people's statuses unless he's good friends with them and she knows who his "good friends" are even though she sent the girl a message and she replied back right away giving the same answer her FI gave her about how they knew each other. Also, this other girl is married.

hlvonb · June 2014

@KytchynWitche

I have tried telling her this many times and she doesn't seem to listen. For whatever reason, she thinks if they divorce it will be less than the wedding (they're spending about $15,000 on the wedding).

KytchynWitche · June 2014

hlvonb said: @KytchynWitche
I have tried telling her this many times and she doesn't seem to listen. For whatever reason, she thinks if they divorce it will be less than the wedding (they're spending about $15,000 on the wedding). It could be, if they both agree. An uncontested divorce here in SA is a matter of both parties signing a settlement agreement, and it being made an order of court. I would imagine it's a similar process elsewhere. But, if one of them decides to fight, it can become a lengthy, costly, nightmarish procedure.

With the extra information you've given, I would say that either the problem is with her and she needs counselling to work through her trust issues, OR there's something bigger going on that she's not sharing, in which case they both need counselling. Seeing a single message from her FI to another girl, and getting a reasonable "excuse" back from both FI and the girl, would be a non-issue if she truly had no other reason to not trust him.

hlvonb · June 2014

@KytchynWitche That's what I am thinking (that there's more to the story). I am not sure what else I can do besides support whatever she decides to do. Ultimately it's her choice.

QueerFemme · June 2014

hlvonb said:

@QueerFemme

From what I understand:

They share a computer and she went to use it after work. She opened Facebook and her FI's Facebook was open and she saw he commented on another girl's status. This girl is one she hadn't heard of before. She asked him about it and he said it was someone who he used to work with at one of his jobs he had in High School.

Now she's not sure if she can trust him because it's not like him to comment on people's statuses unless he's good friends with them and she knows who his "good friends" are even though she sent the girl a message and she replied back right away giving the same answer her FI gave her about how they knew each other. Also, this other girl is married.

I think it is completely ridiculous for someone to consider not trusting their spouse of 8 years over a facebook comment. If it was a steamy private message, ok. But, a status comment?

She is either VERY VERY insecure, or there is something she isn't telling you.

hlvonb · June 2014

@QueerFemme

I think there's more she's not telling me but I can't force her to tell me something she doesn't want to tell me.....

phira · June 2014

Sometimes when we hold back information from people, it's because it feels like acknowledging that information makes it more real somehow. And/or it feels like people will be more judgmental of your future decisions if you give them "too much" information about the situation.

jdluvr06 · June 2014

It does seem like there is information that she isn't sharing.

BreMR · June 2014

If you've been with someone 8 years and all it takes is a Facebook comment to ruin your trust for them then you should probably reevaluate yourself. I can't get on board with Facebook fights between spouses... I have 200+ people on my FB list and many of the are guys from high school, one recently commented out of the blue about a conversation we had 10 years ago but made it seem like yesterday... my FI didn't even think twice about it.

cupcait927 · June 2014

My bff married a man she didn't trust and who doesn't trust her. They were only about a year into marriage and already talking divorce. Then they had a second child thinking that would solve their issues. It obviously didn't and he did cheat on her. But she won't leave him because she thinks it would be too hard with two kids. If you don't trust the other person 100%, for whatever issue, you (general you) should absolutely not be getting married.

Dignity100 · June 2014

It really depends on the situation. If it's: I cannot trust him to come home on time - that's one thing. If it's: I cannot trust that he's telling the truth and I think he's cheating on me -- that's a total 'no'.

If it's a trust issue that they can work on through proper help (counseling), then postpone and move forward on trying to regain that trust. If it's a 'I'll never be able to trust you again' - walk away.

FiancB · June 2014

That particular situation would not even raise an eyebrow with me, and hopefully wouldn't with FI either because while I am generally pretty quiet on facebook, sometimes I do comment on something pretty random from someone I don't really talk to anymore. Either she's got mega trust issues or there's more to the story. Either way, marriage is not a good idea.

larrygaga · June 2014

Without any more backstory, I would say it's your friend with trust issues. Why is she going on his facebook and looking at what he posted? Commenting on a friend's status that happened to be a girl is no big deal. Is she jealous? They probably need some counseling either way.

emmyg65 · June 2014

All of this is weird. Never, ever marry someone you're unsure about just because you want to save money! That doesn't even make sense. Also, her reasons for not trusting him are weird. Weird weird weird, all around.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

Completely ridiculous. I think about the only thing I "can't trust" FI on is to not finish all the ice cream before I get home. I think we'll be ok.

If this is truly only about a Facebook comment, the problem is with herself, not her FI.

grumbledore · June 2014

Not on your life.

pinkcow13 · June 2014

I think there is more to the story. If there isn't though, then it is your friend who has trust issues, and sounds a bit immature. To get so upset over a FB comment (unless it was something inappropriate) is pretty ridiculous.

I also feel that going through your SO's stuff (FB, cell phone, email) is just asking for trouble. It's like you're (general, not you personally OP) looking to find something. And so many things can be misinterpreted. I feel like, if I am engaged to this person, I need to trust them and treat them the way I would want to be treated. I don't want FI going through my things, and I trust that he won't, so I owe him the same respect.

sarawifenow · June 2014

I cannot trust FI to put the toilet paper roll facing the right way on the holder. I joke that I am going to make him sign a prenup and if he puts it so that the roll is under ONE time in our marriage I will take him for all he is worth.

In all seriousness, trust is a HUGE thing in any relationship. If your friend can't trust her FI over a facebook comment, then she shouldn't marry him.

sarahufl · June 2014

Sounds like she is insecure and/or not telling you the whole story.

Cookie Pusher · June 2014

SaraBrideSoon said:

I cannot trust FI to put the toilet paper roll facing the right way on the holder. I joke that I am going to make him sign a prenup and if he puts it so that the roll is under ONE time in our marriage I will take him for all he is worth.

In all seriousness, trust is a HUGE thing in any relationship. If your friend can't trust her FI over a facebook comment, then she shouldn't marry him.

I cannot trust FI to replace the spare roll of toilet paper in the bathroom, nor can I trust that he will always obey the speed limit. However, neither of those things would make me question our relationship. I agree with PPs that there's either something your friend isn't telling you or she has some serious trust issues she needs to work before she goes any further with this wedding.

Emmy1493 · June 2014

I think you lose more in divorce than in wedding costs. Think about all your money you will likely have to split up (unless you don't end up having too) and all the emotional wreckage? To me it just isn't worth all the worrying. They need to talk BIG time because if it's more than her FI commenting on a random person she doesn't know, then there really needs to be some thinking and serious talking time. I would hold off on wedding planning until then. Hopefully she will realize that is what needs to be done.

CMGragain · June 2014

I have met many of DH's ex-girlfriends. (He wasn't exactly a player!) I would advise your friend to invite the couple over for dinner and make friends with the girl. If her FI is innocent, it will make her feel better. If he isn't, everybody will have an uncomfortable evening, and she will notice. At least two of my DH's ex-girlfriends are really nice people! (After all, he has good taste in women.)

slothiegal · June 2014

But seriously, if she's that upset with a Facebook status, she really does need to take a step back and take care of herself before jumping into marriage. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, we all have our own battles; dealing with them sooner rather than later just is a happier solution for everyone.

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