I want to elope......but

Foreverk8iem · June 2014

My Fiancee and I wanted to elope, Just have it as the two of us. At the beginning he wasn't supported as a suitable match from my family so we didn't want anyone who wouldn't be happy for us to be married.

When he proposed, and i told my family. My mom had said to me that she didn't care how big or small the wedding was she just wanted to be there.

After discussing this with my fiancee, we decided a small civil service at city hall would suffice. If I had to invite my parents, we would keep it even and invite his parents. Our day will be July 11th! and during the summer his neice stays with his parents. She has been a huge part of our life including singing the single ladies song to him, telling my fiancee that im a catch and if he doesent marry me soon that he would lose me. So of course she will be there. inorder to even it out we extended it to immeidate blood realitives only. Parents and siblings.

My sister is now causing a huge rift, because blood does not include her fiancee. Also my fiancees brother in law.

The brother in law understands our situation that we want to elope and that we are only doing immediate family to appease our parents. But my sister is creating world war 3. between her and myself, having my parents on her side too. Not to mention my sister and i don't really have a relationship and i don't even know her fiancee, i have only had at most two conversations with him.

I want it to go back to just us eloping, we cannot uninvite his family because they have been so supportive and understand that this is something that we want. And that they're lucky to be invited.

I dont know what to do at this point. I am so upset and hurt. I should be making my fiancee and myself happy on our wedding day. But my family is making me feel like its my fault that they are upset and i am a horrible person.

Any suggestions?

any suggestions?

manateehugger · June 2014

Foreverk8iem said:

My Fiancee and I wanted to elope, Just have it as the two of us. At the beginning he wasn't supported as a suitable match from my family so we didn't want anyone who wouldn't be happy for us to be married.

When he proposed, and i told my family. My mom had said to me that she didn't care how big or small the wedding was she just wanted to be there.

After discussing this with my fiancee, we decided a small civil service at city hall would suffice. If I had to invite my parents, we would keep it even and invite his parents. Our day will be July 11th! and during the summer his neice stays with his parents. She has been a huge part of our life including singing the single ladies song to him, telling my fiancee that im a catch and if he doesent marry me soon that he would lose me. So of course she will be there. inorder to even it out we extended it to immeidate blood realitives only. Parents and siblings.

My sister is now causing a huge rift, because blood does not include her fiancee. Also my fiancees brother in law.

The brother in law understands our situation that we want to elope and that we are only doing immediate family to appease our parents. But my sister is creating world war 3. between her and myself, having my parents on her side too. Not to mention my sister and i don't really have a relationship and i don't even know her fiancee, i have only had at most two conversations with him.

I want it to go back to just us eloping, we cannot uninvite his family because they have been so supportive and understand that this is something that we want. And that they're lucky to be invited.

I dont know what to do at this point. I am so upset and hurt. I should be making my fiancee and myself happy on our wedding day. But my family is making me feel like its my fault that they are upset and i am a horrible person.

Any suggestions?

any suggestions?

So I sympathize with your sister here a bit actually. I would be very upset if my sisters tried to exclude my fiance from a family event because he wasn't "blood." My fiance IS my family; I'd be incredibly hurt if they didn't consider him a valid part of our family. I understand you don't know him, but he should be significant to you because he's significant to your sister. How would you feel if she excludes your future husband from her upcoming wedding because he wasn't really family to her?

Is there a reason you have such a strong objection to inviting him? I understand you want a small intimate ceremony, and I completely respect that desire, but I think not having two extra people there is not a hill to die upon.

You still could elope, however, and have a small party to celebrate the marriage when you come home. If his family has been understanding thus far, they may continue to be so.

ETA: Your other option could be to not invite your siblings, and then you don't have to worry about the in-law issue.

AprilH81 · June 2014

Foreverk8iem said:

My Fiancee and I wanted to elope, Just have it as the two of us. At the beginning he wasn't supported as a suitable match from my family so we didn't want anyone who wouldn't be happy for us to be married.

When he proposed, and i told my family. My mom had said to me that she didn't care how big or small the wedding was she just wanted to be there.

After discussing this with my fiancee, we decided a small civil service at city hall would suffice. If I had to invite my parents, we would keep it even and invite his parents. Our day will be July 11th! and during the summer his neice stays with his parents. She has been a huge part of our life including singing the single ladies song to him, telling my fiancee that im a catch and if he doesent marry me soon that he would lose me. So of course she will be there. inorder to even it out we extended it to immeidate blood realitives only. Parents and siblings.

My sister is now causing a huge rift, because blood does not include her fiancee. Also my fiancees brother in law.

The brother in law understands our situation that we want to elope and that we are only doing immediate family to appease our parents. But my sister is creating world war 3. between her and myself, having my parents on her side too. Not to mention my sister and i don't really have a relationship and i don't even know her fiancee, i have only had at most two conversations with him.

I want it to go back to just us eloping, we cannot uninvite his family because they have been so supportive and understand that this is something that we want. And that they're lucky to be invited.

I dont know what to do at this point. I am so upset and hurt. I should be making my fiancee and myself happy on our wedding day. But my family is making me feel like its my fault that they are upset and i am a horrible person.

Any suggestions?

any suggestions?

***SIB***
You need to invite the FI, he is family at this point. You do NOT need to invite the FI's brother.

KGold80 · June 2014

Uhh....yeah...here's a suggestion. Apologize to your sister and invite her fiance. Seriously. Not inviting her fiance is incredibly offensive and if you were my sister I'd be really upset, too. How would you feel if your sister didn't acknowledge your relationship with your fiance by not inviting him to her wedding? Pretty crappy, right? You really need to fix that.

mysticl · June 2014

AprilH81 said:

Foreverk8iem said:

My Fiancee and I wanted to elope, Just have it as the two of us. At the beginning he wasn't supported as a suitable match from my family so we didn't want anyone who wouldn't be happy for us to be married.

When he proposed, and i told my family. My mom had said to me that she didn't care how big or small the wedding was she just wanted to be there.

After discussing this with my fiancee, we decided a small civil service at city hall would suffice. If I had to invite my parents, we would keep it even and invite his parents. Our day will be July 11th! and during the summer his neice stays with his parents. She has been a huge part of our life including singing the single ladies song to him, telling my fiancee that im a catch and if he doesent marry me soon that he would lose me. So of course she will be there. inorder to even it out we extended it to immeidate blood realitives only. Parents and siblings.

My sister is now causing a huge rift, because blood does not include her fiancee. Also my fiancees brother in law.

The brother in law understands our situation that we want to elope and that we are only doing immediate family to appease our parents. But my sister is creating world war 3. between her and myself, having my parents on her side too. Not to mention my sister and i don't really have a relationship and i don't even know her fiancee, i have only had at most two conversations with him.

I want it to go back to just us eloping, we cannot uninvite his family because they have been so supportive and understand that this is something that we want. And that they're lucky to be invited.

I dont know what to do at this point. I am so upset and hurt. I should be making my fiancee and myself happy on our wedding day. But my family is making me feel like its my fault that they are upset and i am a horrible person.

Any suggestions?

any suggestions?

***SIB***
You need to invite the FI, he is family at this point. You do NOT need to invite the FI's brother.

No but she does need to invite her FI's brother-in-law. The way I'm reading the post she is planning to exclude her FI's Sister's husband which is completely unacceptable.

KGold80 · June 2014

mysticl said:

AprilH81 said:

Foreverk8iem said:

My Fiancee and I wanted to elope, Just have it as the two of us. At the beginning he wasn't supported as a suitable match from my family so we didn't want anyone who wouldn't be happy for us to be married.

When he proposed, and i told my family. My mom had said to me that she didn't care how big or small the wedding was she just wanted to be there.

After discussing this with my fiancee, we decided a small civil service at city hall would suffice. If I had to invite my parents, we would keep it even and invite his parents. Our day will be July 11th! and during the summer his neice stays with his parents. She has been a huge part of our life including singing the single ladies song to him, telling my fiancee that im a catch and if he doesent marry me soon that he would lose me. So of course she will be there. inorder to even it out we extended it to immeidate blood realitives only. Parents and siblings.

My sister is now causing a huge rift, because blood does not include her fiancee. Also my fiancees brother in law.

The brother in law understands our situation that we want to elope and that we are only doing immediate family to appease our parents. But my sister is creating world war 3. between her and myself, having my parents on her side too. Not to mention my sister and i don't really have a relationship and i don't even know her fiancee, i have only had at most two conversations with him.

I want it to go back to just us eloping, we cannot uninvite his family because they have been so supportive and understand that this is something that we want. And that they're lucky to be invited.

I dont know what to do at this point. I am so upset and hurt. I should be making my fiancee and myself happy on our wedding day. But my family is making me feel like its my fault that they are upset and i am a horrible person.

Any suggestions?

any suggestions?

***SIB***
You need to invite the FI, he is family at this point. You do NOT need to invite the FI's brother.

No but she does need to invite her FI's brother-in-law. The way I'm reading the post she is planning to exclude her FI's Sister's husband which is completely unacceptable.

Oh yes! I missed that!

OP, you need to invite the SO's, fiance's, or spouses of any of the relatives you are inviting. To do otherwise is incredibly rude.

NYCMercedes · June 2014

I'm confused. Who is the brother-in-law? Is it your FI's BIL or your BIL? Which ever, if he's married to someone in your or you FI's family, invite him. Btw, apologize to your sister.

Foreverk8iem · June 2014

so its not a wedding wedding like all of you are thinking. Its just us saying our vows at city hall thats it and us going away. I don't think my sisters fi understands the sancity of marriage as he has cheated on her in the past. (she has forgiven him). and the only reason that anyone can come and watch is because it would be unforgivable if i were to wed and not have my mother there.

there is no party, no dinner. it was hey do you want to see us say i do and thats it.

KatieinBkln · June 2014

Foreverk8iem said: so its not a wedding wedding like all of you are thinking. Its just us saying our vows at city hall thats it and us going away. I don't think my sisters fi understands the sancity of marriage as he has cheated on her in the past. (she has forgiven him). and the only reason that anyone can come and watch is because it would be unforgivable if i were to wed and not have my mother there. there is no party, no dinner. it was hey do you want to see us say i do and thats it.

ETA: WTF quote boxes?? Formatting? Anyone? @KnotPorscha?

If that's the case...why do they even have to be "invited" or not? Couldn't they just show up and be with you? I agree with others that if you're going to be inviting people formally then you have to include SOs, but if this is not a hosted event or "traditional" wedding...what's it to you who shows up? I mean, you can't actually stop someone from walking into a courthouse, can you? (Not saying you would, but what I am saying, apparently very badly, is that this seems like a molehill more than a mountain).

manateehugger · June 2014

It's not your place to judge how sanctimonious a marriage will be. I have an extreme dislike of my brother in law, but I still recognize he is part of my family because my sister loves him. I put up with him because she loves him and I love her.

Saying vows in a court house IS a wedding. And if it's public access, why are you even trying to bar this guy from coming?

chibiyui · June 2014

"invite" sisters FI and FBIL. Even if sisters FI is a giant douchenozzle, just invite him. Because it's easier to keep a relationship with your sister then it is to later fix a relationship with your sister.

CMGragain · June 2014

Foreverk8iem said:

so its not a wedding wedding like all of you are thinking. Its just us saying our vows at city hall thats it and us going away. I don't think my sisters fi understands the sancity of marriage as he has cheated on her in the past. (she has forgiven him). and the only reason that anyone can come and watch is because it would be unforgivable if i were to wed and not have my mother there.

there is no party, no dinner. it was hey do you want to see us say i do and thats it.

You are having a wedding. It is at city hall. It is a real wedding. The rules are not different.
You may not invite your sister without her FI. The status of their relationship is none of your business.
If you invite your sister, you must also invite your FI's sister. If you invite his sister, you must also invite her husband. Whether or not you like him is not important.
These are the rules of polite behavior. If you invite guests to ANY wedding, you must follow them, or you will be extremely rude. "Immediate family only" includes spouses and fiances,

VulgarGirl · June 2014

Your sister's FI is her family. She is your family. Therefor, he is your family. You don't have to like him, but barring him from your wedding (and yes, this is your wedding) is rude. And frankly kind of mean. You don't get to judge your guests' morality or the morality of those they're married to/marrying.

If you had step-siblings (or if your FI had step-siblings) would they also be barred? What if your FI's niece was adopted? Is she out too? This whole, he isn't gentically related therefor can't come, nonsense is bullshit.

Invite your sister's FI.

QueerFemme · June 2014

Foreverk8iem said:

so its not a wedding wedding like all of you are thinking. Its just us saying our vows at city hall thats it and us going away. I don't think my sisters fi understands the sancity of marriage as he has cheated on her in the past. (she has forgiven him). and the only reason that anyone can come and watch is because it would be unforgivable if i were to wed and not have my mother there.

there is no party, no dinner. it was hey do you want to see us say i do and thats it.
**stuck in the quote box***

YES, it is a wedding. cuz you are getting married. That makes it a wedding. And if you invite anyone, you should host something after. Even if it's a quick lunch somewhere after you leave the courthouse.
It's totally shitty to invite someone and not include their spouse. Your sister's fiance is her spouse. If you invite her, you should invite him. Even something as casual as a city hall wedding. It's not your place to judge how important he see marriage. that's between him and his wife. Not you.
If you don't want him there, don't include your sister. Or your FI's sister (or brother in law). Just include parents only.

loveislouder · June 2014

If my sister told me my FI wasn't invited to her wedding because he wasn't blood, I wouldn't be going. That's ridiculous.

ashley8918 · June 2014

Everything PPs said. You must invite the SOs of all people that you are inviting.

P.S. "not blood" does not equal "not family"

ashley8918 · June 2014

loveislouder said:

If my sister told me my FI wasn't invited to her wedding because he wasn't blood, I wouldn't be going. That's ridiculous.

Absolutely not! And my sister and I are very close.

NowIamMrsKlein · June 2014

Wow, Yeah I'm going to agree with PP's on this. I would be extremely offended if my FI wasnt invited to my sisters wedding. Just because he is not blood does not make him any less of my family. Some may say that he is more my family because we chose to be a family. Where-as you don't 'choose' your blood family.

I would apologize to your sister. One more person at your wedding (yes it is a real wedding!) is not going to ruin the day. But not having that person there may ruin your relationship with your sister.

Whats more important?

AddieCake · June 2014

A few months before my wedding 2 years ago, one of my cousins told my then fiance, now husband that nothing he said mattered or was relevant b/c he wasn't part of our family. Guess what? I haven't spoken to her or her "family" since. And never will again.

lc07 · June 2014

I'm appalled at how you are treating your sister.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

Your problems began when you started to deviate from what you wanted, which was an elopement, and then felt like you needed to 'make things even'. It seems like the only people that you genuinely want present witnessing the vows are the parents and the niece.

It does seem rude (and callous), to exclude your sister's intended husband simply because he is not a blood relation. But you've gone on to say that you don't think he understands the sanctity of marriage, he's cheated on your sister... things I cannot comment on, not the least because I have no personal understanding of the situation.

I think you should not have strayed from your original course: elopement. At this point, even if you do invite him, there's likely going to be negativity on your part (and possibly on their part.) The best course of action seems a just-you-and-him elopement, an elopement witnessed by the parents and niece, or you resolving your issues with your future brother-in-law and having an apologetic conversation with your sister.

Becca0929 · June 2014

I'm sort of in the same situation. All I wanted to do was elope. But then we worried that our parents would get upset, so we decided to have a private ceremony just with them. Then our parents got mad and made us add grandparents...who made us invite siblings....and so on and so forth until our "private ceremony" is now around 25 people and we might as well have just had a big wedding for as much trouble as everything has been. As much as I hate to say it, I think it's sort of too late to go back on everything and elope with just the 2 of you. If it's going to cause such a huge problem, just invite your sister's fiancee. There are going to be at least 2 people at our ceremony that I've never had a conversation with in my life (1 that i've never even met) and I'm learning to be okay with it because it's making others happy.

MyNameIsNot · June 2014

You need to invite the sister's fiance and the BIL. Excluding them is childish, extremely rude, and a huge slap in the face to your sister. Good for her for standing up to you when you try to treat her and her FI this way.

You created this drama by trying to exclude s/o's and being so nasty to your sister. You solve it by apologizing and doing the right thing.

It doesn't matter if you are inviting 400 people or 14. It doesn't matter if it's at the Plaza or City Hall. You don't exclude significant others.

iloveotters2014 · June 2014

Blood doesn't always mean family. This man will be your brother in law....this means he IS your family. He is the most special person in your sister's life and will be in your family for the rest of your lives....yet you feel the need to disclude him? I think that is really rude in my opinion. My H's brother in law was in our bridal party because regardless of blood he IS our family and we love him.

I want to elope......but

Re: I want to elope......but

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